Feeling like a failure...

[BriansLovie]

I feel like such a failure as a mother and wife. I lack confidence in my parenting choices. I feel such frustration when my son has temper tantrums. I feel overwhelmed and sometimes wonder if I was cut out for this job, being a mother. I have always wanted lots of kids, but never knew it was this challenging. I am not 100% attachment parenting... I love rocking my son to sleep. But it has come to a point that my husband and I are NOT happy with how long it takes to get him to sleep, and he ends up coming in our bed at midnight anyways. I wouldn't mind co sleeping if my son didn't push us off the bed (seriously), and I slept well. I dont sleep well, I wake up achey from sleeping weird because he's pushing me off the bed. My husband and I NEED time together alone, we dont get it anymore! I've come to the point where I am going to stop rocking him to sleep for naps. (I will worry about nighttime later). Today, we read stories, then I rocked for a few minutes, sang him a few songs, took him to his crib. Of course he cries. He cries at the sight of his crib. I hugged him, told him I loved him and wanted him to go night night in his crib. He cried for about 5 minutes, then he's been happily playing ever since, for about a half hour now. He probably wont get a nap today, he didnt get one yesterday either. Spent the whole time in his crib playing :scratch. Not sure really where this is going... just a vent I guess. :(

[MtnMama]

How old is your son?

[BriansLovie]

21 months :/

[Iveyrock]

:hugheart
Do you want some brainstorming for things like the tantrums and the sleeping?
Parenting is hard. I remember having a point when DS was a baby when I truly wanted to leave, because I thought he would be better off with anyone else. I just was overwhelmed and felt like I wasn't doing anything right. However, I firmly believe now that DS (and DD) were given to our family for a reason. We are not perfect parents, but we are the parents that are right for them. They stretch us, they challenge us, they teach us, and they inspire us. It is really hard sometimes, and sometimes it is really rewarding. I know that God gave you your DS because you are the right momma for him. :heart

[BriansLovie]

Ivey, ideas would be nice. I do think that my son was given to us for a reason too, but I have been having alot of low moments lately. It might stem partly from having 2 recent miscarriages, and feeling like my body is defective. I am not sure.

[Iveyrock]

:hugheart :hugheart :hugheart
be back to this later tonight

[Iveyrock]

k - kids are asleep :phew.
First of all, I am so sorry for your losses. :candle :candle

As far as feeling generally overwhelmed, how are you taking care of yourself? Especially at an emotionally hard time for you? You said you aren't sleeping well, that can through everything way off. You also mentioned needing time with your husband - want some brainstorming in that direction?
With the sleeping, you said that it was the time it takes him to go to sleep that is the problem? or the cosleeping? or both? I am curious why you stopped rocking him for naps, if bedtime is the bigger problem; but maybe I am misunderstanding that? I'm not trying to fire a bunch of questions at you, I just want to make sure I am actually brainstorming for the right issues :).
For the tantrums ... oh, tantrums. Are you feeling frustrated that he's having them, or because you don't know what to do when he has them?
Lol.. I really didn't mean for this post to be a ton of questions all thrown at you. But I really do want to try to brainstorm some stuff, and I want to make sure I am thinking in the right direction ;)

[BriansLovie]

Ivey,

Thanks : ) I think I am taking care of myself ok. I have found that I have needed alot more sleep after the miscarriage. Yes, brainstorming for time with dh!!

I dont really mind co sleeping with him, besides the part of him pushing me off the bed. It's just that it takes soooooooooo long to get him to sleep. I rock him usually, but it can take up to 1 to 2 hours of rocking till he falls asleep. I stopped rocking him a few days ago because he refuses to be rocked! He cries and cries, and asks for BED, but it's not his crib, it's Mama and Dada's bed LOL. He will sleep perfectly in our bed.... But my husband really believes he should learn to sleep in his crib, but I dont want to have him cry. He's a very stubborn little boy :)

Tantrums... he had the worst he's ever had last night in the tub. I know some of it from being sleep deprived. He turned purple :( And it lasted all thru getting dressed, then he kept screaming BED BED BED, so I took him to our bed and he was out within 10 minutes. So, not sure if I should stop fighting him, and just let him sleep in our bed? Is that bad? It's certainly not teaching him to sleep in his crib. Tho I do put him back in his crib when he's asleep. I feel very frustrated that he has them over little things at that... like he wants juice ALL the time. He is limited to juice about 3 times a week. No more than that. They are 7 oz boxes. Well he didnt drink juice for the first 18 months of his life, so maybe he's making up for it LOL. But the thing is, I tell him no, you can't have a juice right now. And he flips. Or he wants to watch videos on the computer all day, he flips if I say no. I've been really trying to pay more attn to him, one on one, because maybe that's what he needs too. I know I am extremely wishy washy on the whole sleep issue too. The other day I wanted to throw in the towel and just let him cry... but I know thats not the way to go and I feel I should follow his lead. But if I give in to letting him sleep in the bed, is that letting him have his own way, making discipline later more difficult? :shrug

Thanks for listening to my rant LOL And for all your help!

[BHope]

I dont really mind co sleeping with him, besides the part of him pushing me off the bed. It's just that it takes soooooooooo long to get him to sleep. I rock him usually, but it can take up to 1 to 2 hours of rocking till he falls asleep. I stopped rocking him a few days ago because he refuses to be rocked! He cries and cries, and asks for BED, but it's not his crib, it's Mama and Dada's bed LOL. He will sleep perfectly in our bed.... But my husband really believes he should learn to sleep in his crib, but I dont want to have him cry. He's a very stubborn little boy :)
Sounds like hubby is as stubborn as your son. ;) Sleeping in a crib isn't a developmental milestone. In fact it's a fairly modern concept. I would suggest that it's not only normal, but expected for your baby to want to be as near to his mom as possible.

Have you tried setting up your crib as a side car? Could you transition him to his crib after he falls asleep? My DD2 currently sleeps in a small crib size bed that is side-car'd with our bed. If she falls asleep on our bed, I just push her over until she's in her own space.

Elizabeth Pantley has a whole book series on helping children fall asleep without crying. Have you had an opportunity to read any of her books? I know that one thing that helped me was to realize what my child was doing was normal. And, as a story of hope, my eldest-highest-sleep-needs baby is now in her own room, sleeping in her own bed. She made the transition at three years old. She was just ready at that point and the transition was seamless.

That's not saying that we don't still have the occasional night where she wants to come in and snuggle. It just means that all the fears that "she'll never sleep on her own if we coddle her" were unfounded.

[iburnbrownies]

Elizabeth Pantley has a whole book series on helping children fall asleep without crying. Have you had an opportunity to read any of her books? I


Yes that....I think it is called the No Cry Sleep Solution. I find it really helps too to realize that what your children are doing is developmentally normal and you are not alone. You are also NOT a bad mom and I just need to :hug2 before I continue. Being a parent is really really tough and what you have gone through with your two losses is extremely difficult and just adds to everything.

I want to address 2 things:

1) 21 mo have tantrums. They just do. I would honestly not worry about it too much. I would not let the tantrum change my mind on something I had already decided and had said no too because I think you are right, that just enforces that tantrum. So, if I said no juice and he had a tantrum, he does not get juice to make him stop....but he can have water, he can have milk, he can have a cuddle with mom if he needs it....he just lacks a lot of the tools you and I take for granted to communicate with other people and he needs you to help him learn appropriate ways to communicate. Which will not happen until he is developmentally ready (when is that? any moms of 20 yo on here? :lol) No seriously, my older kids rarely have melt downs anymore and when they do they go off to their room/comfort corner to cool off. Not as a punishment but as help to regain control. I would also look at what is causing the tantrums -- Hungry, Angry, Tired (there is an L in HALT too and I don't know what it is?) and try to help him with those things. I agree that I would let him fall asleep in your bed and then transfer him to the crib. Or if dh is really not ok with that then lay with him on his bed until he falls asleep.

2) Ahhhh... couple time. Yes, I do know what that is, I vaguely remember it from dating :giggle..... I think it is important to have realistic expectations for this too. An hour a day of tea together is pretty good in most families I would say....so even if ds is not asleep until a bit later, maybe you and dh could sit together then? It is hard, and around here it doesn't even happen every day because of work/committee stuff plus our 4 lovelies.

Hang in there! Take care of yourself so you can care for your family and I agree with B Hope that reading some parenting material is always good....it helps remind you what is normal and gives you some fresh ideas and perspectives. :heart

[Iveyrock]

welll, as far as the sleeping - if he sleeps perfectly in your bed, then I certainly wouldn't mess with what works. But then, I have two kids in my bed ;). I am not really worried about it, because I have seen how DS's sleeping has improved over time, when he is ready. I know that when he's ready, he will move into his own bed, too. But I know that it can be hard to trust that, especially when it's not always the norm around you. :hugheart

Does he take an hour or more to go to sleep in your bed, or just when you are trying to rock him and put him in his crib? Maybe a different bedtime routine would cut that time down.

I would second sidecarring the crib, if that could work space-wise. That will give you more room, and maybe your DH would be more ok with that, as a transition to sleeping on his own? We had DS's crib sidecarred for awhile, and that worked really well for us.

As far as the tantrums - yup, kids that age just have them. They are trying to learn how to live in a world that is sometimes overwhelming and doesn't always go the way they want it to. They are learning how much control they have, and they are learning how to deal with things that upset them. it doesn't make you a bad mommy, it makes your son normal ;) What works best for me is to:
A) head off potential tantrums by helping Ian feel his best - making sure he is rested, fed, etc (it sounds like your DS was tired last night :hugheart).
B) reflecting his feelings about what he is upset about. This doesn't always stop the tantrum, but it helps him to feel like I am hearing him, and it helps him to identify what he's feeling, and why he's feeling it. "You are frustrated because you can't have juice."
C). Don't get pulled in! oh, this is so hard. But the truth is, I don't have to get wrapped up in his tantrum. I do my best to offer solutions, I empathize with him, and then I allow him to feel the way he feels. If he wants cuddled, I am happy to cuddle him - but I don't stress out about making him stop. If he needs it, I can offer him appropriate ways to show he's upset. - "you are very upset right now. You may not hit mommy. You may do an angry dance."

I'll have to come back later with couple time ideas

edited because I clearly didn't proof read

[klpmommy]

E never did well in a crib. The transition was horrible. But she did great if I had her on a mattress on the floor. I could nurse her to sleep and escape more easily than if I tried to move her. The crib was useless for her.

Whenever bedtime routine takes that long I suggest looking at either changing the routine or the bedtime. When I put my kids to bed at the "just right" time they always fall asleep quicker.

[Iveyrock]

lol.. me again :O
so for couple time, are you talking about just time to reconnect and be together, or are you talking about "couple time - wink wink, nudge nudge"?

[Blue Aurora]

I only have a second but I wanted to say that *alot* of kiddos don't like to sleep in their crib...the mattress isn't nearly as comfortable as a regular mattress. Could you get a twin bed and put it next to your bed and let him sleep there? Personally, I go for whatever gets a kid to sleep. If it's in my bed but he sleeps perfectly that is my priority at that age.

Oh, I found myself to be seriously depleted after my miscarriages. Are you taking a good supplement? Extra b-vitamins and your calcium/magnesium can be a life saver. :hugheart

[BriansLovie]

I dont really mind co sleeping with him, besides the part of him pushing me off the bed. It's just that it takes soooooooooo long to get him to sleep. I rock him usually, but it can take up to 1 to 2 hours of rocking till he falls asleep. I stopped rocking him a few days ago because he refuses to be rocked! He cries and cries, and asks for BED, but it's not his crib, it's Mama and Dada's bed LOL. He will sleep perfectly in our bed.... But my husband really believes he should learn to sleep in his crib, but I dont want to have him cry. He's a very stubborn little boy :)
Sounds like hubby is as stubborn as your son. ;) Sleeping in a crib isn't a developmental milestone. In fact it's a fairly modern concept. I would suggest that it's not only normal, but expected for your baby to want to be as near to his mom as possible.

Have you tried setting up your crib as a side car? Could you transition him to his crib after he falls asleep? My DD2 currently sleeps in a small crib size bed that is side-car'd with our bed. If she falls asleep on our bed, I just push her over until she's in her own space.

Elizabeth Pantley has a whole book series on helping children fall asleep without crying. Have you had an opportunity to read any of her books? I know that one thing that helped me was to realize what my child was doing was normal. And, as a story of hope, my eldest-highest-sleep-needs baby is now in her own room, sleeping in her own bed. She made the transition at three years old. She was just ready at that point and the transition was seamless.

That's not saying that we don't still have the occasional night where she wants to come in and snuggle. It just means that all the fears that "she'll never sleep on her own if we coddle her" were unfounded.


LOL, yes, hubby is stubborn about it. He keeps telling me he doesnt want our son to be 6 years old and still sleeping with us. I told him that we can cross that bridge when we come to it, and at 6, even before then, he'll be old enough to get him to sleep in his own bed, without crying for mama, I guess. He said he remembers at age 5, his dad told him he was to sleep in his own bed now. He slept in his parents room on the floor for years. I dunno if he was scared or what. I told him, see, you weren't ready to sleep on your own even at 5! I believe he is becoming softer to the idea of Jacob sleeping a bit with us. Jacob has actually done pretty good the past 2 nights at sleeping in his crib. He falls asleep in our bed with me at about 7:30 or 8:00, and then I put him in the crib. The first night he slept ALL night in his crib, without waking up to cry! Last night, he made it till about 2 AM, then he came to bed with us. So, it's progress there. It takes more of my time to get him to sleep sometimes, even letting him fall asleep in the bed. But at least he's not crying or fighting me.

Yes, I have heard sleeping in the crib isnt' a developmental milestone. I have been hearing it from both sides. My parents (who I love and dont feel I was neglected or damaged in any way) left us all to sleep in our own cribs, and CIO. When he wont sleep, my mom thinks I should either CIO or spank him, because he's being rebellious and manipulating me. I just feel very uncomfortable with CIO (when I did it before, it was like nails on a chalkboard to my soul) and spanking because he wont go to sleep (I was spanked as a child and dont feel damaged by it at all either.)

We can't get the crib out of my son's bedroom, unless we take it apart, :think. And we got one of those type that the side doesnt come down at all. So I dont think that would work. I dont even think he'd go to sleep in the crib, even if we were int he same room!

It is nice to hear about your daughter! It does give me hope that it won't last forever. Even tho I wish he would sleep on his own, I realize he's only little once and he's not even 2 years old yet. I guess I'm just new at this mothering thing and it doesn't feel like my son will ever be ready.

[BriansLovie]

Will answer other posts later, DS is up already?? Ugh, it's only been 40 minutes. :(

[iburnbrownies]

Yes, I have heard sleeping in the crib isnt' a developmental milestone. I have been hearing it from both sides. My parents (who I love and dont feel I was neglected or damaged in any way) left us all to sleep in our own cribs, and CIO. When he wont sleep, my mom thinks I should either CIO or spank him, because he's being rebellious and manipulating me. I just feel very uncomfortable with CIO (when I did it before, it was like nails on a chalkboard to my soul) and spanking because he wont go to sleep (I was spanked as a child and dont feel damaged by it at all either.)



I think there are other mamas here who are more experienced than I am at GBD, but I can assure you that your 21 mo is not being rebellious or manipulating you. :hug2 He is not able to even do that yet. He likes being near you and he cries because that is how he is telling you this. You, as the parent, can decide how to help him through this stage by either staying with him in the room, bringing him in your bed, or whatever but I think it is important to maintain empathy for your child and to assign positive intent to his cries. He really does not have many words yet, and little understanding or maturity....I do know it is hard though...I really do get that. There is a lullaby that I sing to my kids sometimes to remind myself of why they are crying....it goes "God bless babes and beasts and birds, all small things that have no words...." It helps me maintain my patience.


It is nice to hear about your daughter! It does give me hope that it won't last forever. Even tho I wish he would sleep on his own, I realize he's only little once and he's not even 2 years old yet. I guess I'm just new at this mothering thing and it doesn't feel like my son will ever be ready.


See, and this is always my point too....older kids give you perspective. I am a lot more patient with Baby M cuz I know -- actually know, not just in theory -- that it does not last forever. Our oldest kids are 7 and 6, off to school, sleeping in their own beds (mostly) putting on their own clothes, chatting about their love for God, what they want to be when they grow up, and all sort of wonderful things. The fruits of building a trusting meaningful relationship with your ds are real and they are worth it....they just take a little time. :heart (and ftr, I was spanked and CIO too when I was a baby, and I struggle with that mind set myself, but I do believe there is a better way to nurture our children and I do believe that AP and grace based parenting is it :heart)



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[Iveyrock]

I wanted to come back with ideas for you and your DH to have time. I am not sure if you want general ideas, or specific night time ideas, so disregard what you don't need :).

In general, I am finding from talking to my friends that reconnecting after kids is hard. I think part of the trick is that couples have to redefine how they reconnect, and what quality time is. For us, it looked like

a) finding new ways to reconnect with each other. A big one for awhile was walking DS to sleep in the sling. We would go for walks almost every day after dinner. We would hold hands and talk, and DS would fall asleep. He was there with us, but he was safe and contained, so we could concentrate on each other. Another good place for have talks is in the car. Other ways to reconnect with babies around are little notes or emails through the day, little flirting with the kids around - basically just focusing on little things that say, "I still love you and enjoy being with you." It helps to know what each other's love languages are, and feed those.

b) finding ways to reconnect as a family. Finding things that we could all do together, instead of focusing on needing "alone time". For a long time we loved to go to the farmer's market as a family. We like the zoo, going to parks - different things were we can all have fun together.

as far as time to DTD - that all depends on your night time set up a little more. Basically just being creative, and patient with each other. It really helps if you are both on the same page as far as the nighttime parenting, because then one person isn't feeling resentful.

How are you doing, in general? are you feeling any less like a failure? :hugheart

[BriansLovie]

I wanted to come back with ideas for you and your DH to have time. I am not sure if you want general ideas, or specific night time ideas, so disregard what you don't need :).

In general, I am finding from talking to my friends that reconnecting after kids is hard. I think part of the trick is that couples have to redefine how they reconnect, and what quality time is. For us, it looked like

a) finding new ways to reconnect with each other. A big one for awhile was walking DS to sleep in the sling. We would go for walks almost every day after dinner. We would hold hands and talk, and DS would fall asleep. He was there with us, but he was safe and contained, so we could concentrate on each other. Another good place for have talks is in the car. Other ways to reconnect with babies around are little notes or emails through the day, little flirting with the kids around - basically just focusing on little things that say, "I still love you and enjoy being with you." It helps to know what each other's love languages are, and feed those.

b) finding ways to reconnect as a family. Finding things that we could all do together, instead of focusing on needing "alone time". For a long time we loved to go to the farmer's market as a family. We like the zoo, going to parks - different things were we can all have fun together.

as far as time to DTD - that all depends on your night time set up a little more. Basically just being creative, and patient with each other. It really helps if you are both on the same page as far as the nighttime parenting, because then one person isn't feeling resentful.

How are you doing, in general? are you feeling any less like a failure? :hugheart


I want to thank you, ladies, so much for your advice and wisdom! It is so nice to know I can come here and vent and have other ladies who understand me.

Ivey, thank you so much for this post! It really does put things in perspective. I know the times hubby and I will share truely "alone" will be few and far between having small children. And that's ok. I know I need to work on what you talked about, little things during the day. It doesnt just have to be after Jacob goes to bed. And we CAN do things as a family and it be just as good as if we were alone! I think I may ask my hubby is we can move our bedtime back a half hour. That will give us a bit more time together after I put Jacob to bed.

Lately, I've been laying with Jacob in our bed to fall asleep for naps and bedtime. When he's asleep I put him in his crib. He lasts about 4 or 5 hours in his crib and then stands up in his crib and I go and get him and he sleeps with us the rest of the night. Hubby has been very good with it so far. He hasn't complained (ok maybe jokingly, like saying "no babies in the bed tonight."). And we are both in better moods. I read somewhere about co sleeping, where it says that all parties involved are rested and generally are in better moods because of sleeping together. I found that is the case for me. Maybe because I feel like the pressure is off. And as far as getting him to go to sleep on his own, I'm not worrying about it anymore. Whatever gets him to sleep : )

I do feel a bit less of a failure. I just wish that I had more confidence in mothering. I feel alone (IRL) with the fact that I dont want my child to CIO, I dont want my child in the nursery, I want him to sit in the service with us, I dont get babysitters so I can go out. I want to be with my child all the time. We are trying to get Jacob to sit in the service with us because of the nursery issue (posted about it before) and when he makes a peep, people stare and give dirty looks. That crushes my self confidence really. I care about what people think. But it's like no one else keeps their child with them, they go to the nursery, so it's not the norm to keep your child with you. I'm rambling! :scratch But I do think I still have depression from the miscarriages, and am not sure when I will get out of it. I think it's normal to feel like this. Thanks for letting me vent! :phew