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View Full Version : Are you the mom you thought you'd be?


LvnLtl1s
01-23-2008, 03:21 PM
This has been on my heart lately. I am SO not the mom I always thought I would be. Before we had children I had all these ideas: I'd go back to work after 12 weeks, I'll only BF for a year, the baby must sleep in their crib in their room, spanking is the only way to discipline, etc. Somehow looking into the faces of the LOs God has blessed me with causes me to question everything. I'm a SAHM and we are now parents who cloth diaper, BF past the first year, baby co-sleeps most of the time, we're now doing GBD, we're moving to a vegetarian (and hopefully eventually vegan) lifestyle and I'm even looking at a delayed vaccination schedule.

What kind of mom did you think you'd be and how different is that compared to where you are now?

Codi
01-23-2008, 04:22 PM
I was MUCH like you. We were SET in the way we would raise our children. NEVER would our child sleep in our bed. NOT ONE SINGLE NIGHT! We would talk about how horrible it was that my 7 year old niece would still sleep in my sisters bed with them at night. I would exclusively BF for 6 months and TOPS a year. We would NOT hold our kids all the time, it will spoil them. We believed in everything NANNY JO from the show Super Nanny said. (naughty spot, CIO, etc...) We would let whoever wanted to (basically) babysit. People who didnt use mainstream medicine and vaccinate were just plain (pardon the espression but its how we thought) stupid. And he would UNDOUBTEDLY be circumcised. NO QUESTIONS.

The fist night in the hospital, my son slept in the bed with me. And he is still happily there. In bed with us. And Its not just because its easier, we understand and believe all the benefits of co-sleeping and letting them chose when they are ready to leave the family bed. My son is now 27 months old and still happily breastfeeding. We will probably do child led weaning and Im TTC so probably nurse while preggo and tandem. I couldnt imagine taking it from him before he was ready. I also held my son every second he wanted to he held. Babies cannot be spoiled. And they NEED to be in their mothers arms as much as possible. We do not use punishment for bad behavior, like time outs or anything like that. We believe in GENTLE discipline whole heartedly. And would NEVER imagine letting our children CIO. Our son has never once been baby sat by anyone. We believe in constant contact with our child untill he is ready and understands what it means for us to leave and come back and he will be ok with that. And, we do not use any form of mainstream medicine at all. Only all natural rememdies and homeopathy here. We do not vaccinate. We did untill 10 months and realized how bad it was and it did not fall in line with what we believed. And, every day we regret circumcising our son. And will never do it again if we are blessed with another little boy.

I would say we are NOTHING like we planned to be. My MIL told me in the midst of a fight about our parenting choices, "I feel like the day he was born, you changed."

And realistically, how could a person NOT be changed by having a child? It would be strange not to be changed.

I love who we are now. I love the way we run our family. I didnt see it coming but could not be happier!!

:heart

LvnLtl1s
01-23-2008, 07:54 PM
I would say we are NOTHING like we planned to be. My MIL told me in the midst of a fight about our parenting choices, "I feel like the day he was born, you changed."

And realistically, how could a person NOT be changed by having a child? It would be strange not to be changed.

I love who we are now. I love the way we run our family. I didnt see it coming but could not be happier!!

:heart


That's exactly it! Having my children has changed me like nothing else could. I'm a different and better person because they are now a part of our family. :heart

racheepoo
01-23-2008, 08:43 PM
I've had to adjust my priorities somewhat as a single mom. I was hardcore AP but cannot keep up emotionally or physically. More TV, more bribery, less insisting on vegetables at dinner (more peanut butter sandwiches, lets be real). So, no...now I'm not the mom I was for the 1st three years of my son's life. I'm not all that I had the luxury of being when I was partnered. All that stuff was very important to me before; I lost friends over it, I strained ties with my inlaws because I was so adamantly hardcore about our non-mainstream choices.

Although I am still that way with some things-vaxxing, for instance, I've let others go. But I can't help but think that the things that really matter are still intact. We have lots of love, a safe place, no yelling or name calling, no hitting. Snuggles anytime we want them.

:)

HomeWithMyBabies
01-23-2008, 08:58 PM
I feel like at the heart of what I do is what I thought I'd be, but I have more tools to do them than I knew were available. Does that make sense? :giggle

loveberry
01-23-2008, 09:01 PM
I thought I would have a high tolerance for noise. I don't at all. I thought I wouldn't yell or scream or hit. I've made all those mistakes, but I'm about 100 times better than I was when we started.

I knew I would nurse, but I never thought until he was 4.5. I thought not vaccinating was crazy, now we are very selective. I knew I'd cloth diaper but I didn't know I'd do totally child-led potty training. I thought I'd be more of a minimalist about toys and stuff but it turns out we like plastic, we like characters, we like gaming, we like our stuff.

I thought I'd be married and be able to take advantage of the perks that provides - one parent at home, the occasional break from your child, extra help, etc. I never imagined I'd do it all alone, or what a total wreck that would make me for a while.

I am fun, though, and laid back in a lot of the ways I thought I'd be. I always knew a few of my favorite childhood books would be a hit with Alex, and that he'd be into wooden train sets and legos, and that I would get a tremendous kick out of sharing these awesome things with him. I was so right. :D

snowgirl
01-23-2008, 09:54 PM
I thought our babies would always sleep in a crib in their room, but they both started out in our bedroom/bed and our dd is still there. I could never figure out how someone could sleep with a baby, not I think, how can you not? I always thought we would spank, then I couldn't bring myself to do it and found much better ways to discipline gently that are more effective. I thought babies would just go to sleep on their own and we would have free time! :giggle But I found when they did not sleep on their own I did not feel right about cio. So I swaddled, rocked and held our babies until they were asleep even though our family said we should just let them cio. I love to just hold our babies as much as possible. (I didn't even know that some of what we were doing was considered attachment parenting) I thought I would nurse the baby, he/she would play, then go to sleep and not be held all the time. I thought we would play games, read, draw etc. all day, go on picnics, to the park and other activities. While we do those things on some days, we have many more days when we just hang out at home and play because the thought of getting everyone and everything together to go somewhere is daunting! I thought, "Oh no, I won't raise my voice!" Well, that didn't last very long. But I have learned that there is grace. There are so many ideals and expectations I have in my mind now that will probably change in the future as our family changes and children change. But it is so comforting to know that God is guiding us and I have faith that if we look to Him, we'll be ok! And the biggest thing that I think is different is the amount of love I have for them! I NEVER knew I could love something that much! Sometimes my heart aches when I am holding them because the amount of love I have for them. Then it makes me remember how much God loves us and how awesome it feels to be loved that much! :heart

ReedleBeetle
01-23-2008, 10:14 PM
I was going to spank....all the way....and did for a time. :cry I wasn't raising a "brat". I thought I would never yell....instead I don't hit (often :blush) and I yell WAY more than I ever thought I would. I am trying but feel like I am fighting a losing battle with myself. I thought we would do way less TV, but TV has become....more than I wanted. I thought I would be more orgainzed and more schedule-y...nope! I thought I would be free of depression.... :no2 I still get down. I thought we would do a lot of things differently....be more active...I am working on them. That is all I can say.

Soaring Eagle
01-24-2008, 06:56 AM
I remember my mom having lots of patience with us growing up. I thought I was patient...until I had my 2 children...I sometimes get so angry, more so when I was trying to spank.....

But now I have decided to do GBD which does help me become less angry and care more...still have to work on patience and only the Lord can help me with that.

I didn't think about co-sleeping before having my first child, but we did that when we saw that she hated her crib and didn't want to do the cio even though our ped suggested we did and we tried (never worked for long-always had to start all over when we went to visit overnight, sick, etc). I also co-sleep with my son on the recliner half-way through the night...(I love it even though my back doesn't always like it).

MarynMunchkins
01-24-2008, 07:00 AM
I didn't start out that way at all. :no2 But over the last 4 years or so (since being here, mostly :kiss) I have definitely become more like the mom I thought I would be.

Holiday
01-24-2008, 07:06 AM
I'm actually a little better than I thought. I always assumed I would work, never thought about bfing at all. I was always worried I would be just like my own mom. Thank the Lord, I am an attachment parenting mom, who would have thought? My mom and the women in my family were complete opposite of this, so I don't know how it came out of me but it did and it feels natural and right.

Oliveshoots
01-24-2008, 07:21 AM
Wow, I could quote word-for-word many of you. :hug

I'm different in the good ways....like no CIO, co-sleeping, in favor of EBF (although we didn't go as long as I wanted to, due to dc's preferences), all the other AP stuff.

But there are things I always thought I'd do that I regret, and now I'm working on. Such as keeping the toys simple, and setting up lots of "teaching moments". When I was in college and we studied/observed/evaluated child care workers, I had all these plans that I would be the epitome of perfect developmental appropriateness and would provide all these stimulus-rich environments for my kids. Now I find that I do less for my own kids than I did for kids I worked with before I had my own, and even the ones I work with now. It's really depressing. I have started, though, making myself plan activities and enriching environments at home, rather than just toys and TV. DH and I always said as long as the kids were awake, the TV would be off, and we would be playing and interacting with them. Doesn't happen often. :O

I think alot of the reason I don't meet my own expectations is that I didn't realize how hard it would be to WOH *and* do all the other things. It's not that I *planned* to be a WOH, but when dh and I got married, we knew that for at least "a season", I would be the main income. I wouldn't change it, for that would mean I would have had to marry someone different :cry but I do see how it has limited what I thought I would do with them. I'm just so exhausted when I get home, not that my work is physically hard, but it's mentally (and sometimes emotionally) hard, and then add onto that housework (I haven't got dh trained very well yet ;) ) But I'm doing better. I'm plannign at least 1 activity through the week and a couple on my days off where I'm being "the teaching mom I want to be" with my kids. This also is my only obstacle to overcome with regards to hs'ing them. If it is God's will, as soon as dh finishes school (4-5 yrs from now)and gets his career going, I will be able to cut back my WOH and stay home to HS. :pray4

Wonder Woman
01-24-2008, 07:25 AM
no, but I think I'm a much better mom than I ever thought I would be, although I'm far from perfect ;)

PaleBlue
01-24-2008, 01:30 PM
No, not at all. And it's so hard to cope with!

I never thought I'd struggle with daily life as a stay at home mom. I thought our days would be baking cookies and trips to the park, and fun baths and bedtime stories at night...I never possibly imagined that I would have any issues at all with behavior like I have, OR with my own self...I lose my temper when I thought I never would...I thought I would be the type of mother who never says harsh words, who can cuddle and love her kids and that will make the kids secure and happy and when they have any issues or throw tantrums, I could reason with them gently and they would be so happy to have a sweet mother, everything would be wonderful....IOW, I thought I'd never have any problems if I was just kind, nurturing, attached, affectionate, caring....but since having my DD it doesn't work this way, it seems like being nice all the time just doesn't work and I get walked on. I thought I would have the perfect balance of nice and kind and not TOO strict, but not permissive or too lax either. Something is not working.

I also find that I do not understand children as well as I thought I did. My DD has been acting out in ways that basic psychology seems not to explain. :shrug I am much angrier and more frustrated than I thought I ever could get...I am RATTLEd and frazzled, something I never thought I would be as a mother. I feel like...this is all I have to accomplish in life as a stay at home mother, I can let other things go when the kids need to come first and it's ok, so WHY can't I keep things running smoothly with my DD in a good routine and eating and sleeping well and happy all the time, etc...I feel like I am failing. But what's worse is that I feel like I am just not effective as a mother and not as an authority figure and it's really upsetting. I am so frazzled I can't even express it.

In one respect I AM the mother I thought I would be...I spend a LOT of time on my daughters, I am very giving, and I would do anything in the world to make them happy. I always knew I'd be the kind of mother to put them first and not even consider myself...I am succesful at this, at least...I love them so much no matter what, and I am always affectionate and loving and I make sure to express it to them as much as I possibly can, how much I love them and always will. I read to them and play with them ...etc. Yet for some reason things fall apart on the behaving and I cannot get my oldest to behave here lately. She's sort of out of control. ....it's not that she acts out, it's that no matter what I do to try to understand it, to hear her and make it better so she;ll be happy..it is not working. She is really jealous of the new baby and I never thought this would be, because I give so much of myself to her still..but it's like because I spend any time on the baby, she's acting out, and I feel so bad, because I can't make it like it was when she was an only child. sigh...I love them both and feel pulled in between caring for 2 now, also something else I was not prepared for.

LvnLtl1s
01-25-2008, 01:22 PM
Wow, I am just so blown away by some of your honest, heart-felt responses. I'm glad I posted this because your responses have gotten me thinking even more about myself as a mom. It's more than just the theoretical-type stuff I listed. I also never thought I'd be raising my children by myself on a daily basis - when we were starting our family we never foresaw DH being deployed twice in three years. By the time my DS is three he will have only spent time with his daddy on a daily basis for about 11 months.

I never thought a 2 yr old could make me as angry as he does sometimes and I never thought I'd loose my temper with him so easily. I also always thought I'd have it together more than I do, I didn't think it would be this overwhelming sometimes. How is it that those women on TV can have a sparkling clean house, well-behaved LOs, beautiful clothes, and dinner on the table by 5? (Oh wait, I know. They have a team of people behind the scenes doing it all! Where is my team?!)

Thanks ladies, your honesty makes me feel less alone in this.

Wonder Woman
01-25-2008, 05:45 PM
coming back to this...

for a variety of reasons, none of which I'll get into on a public forum :shifty , I always doubted my ability to mother well. The things I've learned here from GCM - and getting to counsel w/Crystal as an extension of that - have transformed me into the person I doubted I could be. So that's why I say I'm better than I thought I would be as a mom :-)

CapeTownMommy
01-28-2008, 10:33 PM
I'm almost exactly like the OP, except I didn't change so quickly. Did Ezzo and similar for 2-3 months and then came to my senses. I never thought I'd be a mom to rock her baby to sleep every night, to babywear, to cloth diaper, and yet here I am. And I'm convinced I'm a better mom because of it. I bought into all the "don't let your baby rule your life" crap, and thankfully I can now see that advice for what it is, and truly meet my baby's needs whether or not they interfere with what I'd rather be doing.

Lantern Light Mama
01-28-2008, 10:43 PM
I'm learning to be the mom I want to be. :heart I'm not there just yet, but i'm trying. :pray4