Help with anger in family? books? counsel?

[akwiggy]

We are having a lot of trouble with anger in our family...both dh and me and kids (especially 5 y/o twins who have always had an issue with explosiveness). Can anyone recommend easy read books, or videos or free online counsel we could get. I'm afraid the problem isn't going away on its own and dh isn't really willing to put $ toward it (presumably because we already know what we're doing wrong...but I say, then why are we having trouble doing it). Unless God changes dh's heart, I can't consider putting any $ toward it (finances are tight anyway). But I'm so tired of the anger. And I'm afraid someone will get hurt...at least emotionally, if not physically (no one here has the desire to be hurtful, but accidents can happen when kids and adults are angry...thankfully nothing much yet, but I'm afraid we need help....)

Oh.... and we're not terribly involved at church (another issue I struggle with), and even if I asked for help there, I'm afraid of not finding someone who understands GBD parenting/attachment parenting lifestyle stuff....

Some days are really good and I ask myself what I'm worrying about.... but other days I'm really, really concerned for the well-being of my family. I don't know where to turn.

thanks.

[joy]

:hugheart
I understand. Hubby and I have been working through some things too. The "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr Henry Cloud is helping us a ton.

[akwiggy]

:hug2
Thanks for the tip... saying a prayer for you too....

Anyone else????

[racheepoo]

Ds, his dad, and his grandad all have explosive raging tempers that are so concerning to me.

The best piece of advice I've gotten to date has been that when ds is in one of his "modes" over practically anything that goes wrong in his life, I will say, "it looks like you're angry. Can you say "I am angry"?" Getting him to say it puts a voice to the emotion, which makes it somehow less emotional. He's able to move onto other things much faster. The other thing I noticed is that I am giving him way too much feedback over his emotions...talking way too much. Simple, short sentences, getting them to express their feeling or emotion, and then redirection is working over here. Ds is a little younger than your twins (he's nearly 4) but I think it might work. Give it a shot!

Other than that, how about angerbusters.com or something similar for your dh?

[Ned]

Yes, yeeeessss....I understand completely. BTDT. We ended up at the councellors for exactly this reason - DH especially was exploding on a regular basis, my girls were starting to scream at each other (at only 6 and 4 years old) and I was starting to fall apart because of it all. We have come a long way with councelling but still have more to do.

This little trick made a BIG difference to DHs attitude. The counsellor said to him..."when you discipline DO IT WITH LOVE not anger". She explained that the girsl were being emotionally damaged everytime he yelled or lost control. She al;so expline that he was teaching them how to yell and treat other badly. It took a few weeks but I got a piece of A4 paper and wrote on it "DO IT WITH LOVE" and it worked. If I felt that he was teetering on the edge, I would stick the wprds up where he could see them - fridge, TV, computer screen.

The counsellor also got him to take notice o what he felt just before he was ready to explode - like a trigger or a feeling (tight chest, noise, anything) and when he felt that he had to walk away - anywhere - outside, another room, go for a walk.

He also had to agree to hand the discipline completely over to me for a few weeks (yes, it was abit harder on me) but it paid off.

Another thing we discovered was he didn't ever get time to himself to do NOTHING - you know, just potter around the house or whatever. He waws under a type of time pressure. It sounded a bit silly to me at first but we gave him a day off eery week or two, he found a new hobby (model train set) and he has been happy since (AND he done MORE around the house) so it sort of had a reverse effect - a good one.

I hope some of this helps. Another chat friens of mine tried these things (she was ready to crack) and a few weeks ago she reported back to say all was going well. I was so pleased for her.

Oh yeah, another thing we did - the kids still sleep with us but we are putting them to bed about 45 mins earlier (8:30) so we get some time to ourselves. We read to them, lie with them for 5-10 mins, then they go off to sleep by themselves knwoing we will be in sooner or later.

[Maggie]

I struggle with anger, and DD imitates my reactions, so... :blush I have heard really good things about the book When Anger Hurts Your Kids by Matthew McKay, et al. I have this book and plan on reading it.

:hug2

[akwiggy]

:rockon
WONDERFUL thoughts! Thank you SOOO much for sharing your ideas and personal experiences.....I'm going to see what of those things we could implement. It is SO helpful to know I'm not ALONE! I will keep updates if I can.

Also...for kids & anger, has anyone heard of The Explosive Child by (I think it's Ross) Greene? By his descriptions, I have 2 of them (children who have explosive problems)...and this exacerbates dh's and my anger problems......

Thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep the ideas comin' girls!

[croftorama]

This thread makes me feel so much better, to know that others are working on similar issues.

In my house, I seem to be the one with the temper, but I see it spilling over into the behaviors of others. Then I see my children responding angrily toward each other, and it makes me feel (you guessed it) angry. I KNOW they're just modeling what they've seen in me...

Ugh...

[Ned]

Well I was just thinking that I have only heard my kids yell once in about the last fortnight, maybe longer, so it seems that things are paying off. Yelling used to be a daily occurence in our house, but not any more.

I had a lot of issues going on too. I did some EFT (Emotional Freedon technique) stuff with a 'good' counsellor. I stopped it 2 months ago because I am doing so well now. (Only thing is, I am a little unsure about the origins of EFT, which I have tried to research).. There is alot of debate about whether its a practise that christians should get involved in because its linked to hypnosis. My counsellor was christian but I'm still not sure about actually recommending it to anyone?

[akwiggy]

hmmm....sounds interesting. I don't know about the EFT, but it would be interesting to learn more. As I mentioned, our boys (5 y/o twins) struggle with explosiveness when they're frustrated and that is often the trigger for dh and me when we're tired or stretched to the limit. I want to help them learn to deal with their frustration, but I'm not sure how except to keep teaching and modeling (as we learn to control OURSELVES). Almost on a daily basis we deal with explosions from them, usually triggered by some frustration (making a mistake on something, ripping a page of their book, losing a game, being told it's time to be done on the computer math game (even when warned several times in advance), missing out on something, being out of their favorite snack, etc....). Unfortunately their explostions/tantrums have become more violent lately...and they're getting to be big boys (45 lbs. +). Unfortunately their violence is often directed at me, even if I'm not the source of their frustration. I can't let them beat on me, I want to be gentle, patient and kind, I want to help them get over their frustrations. But I'm not sure how. Sometimes dh and are patient,and sometimes we get angry in return. A few times I have (regretfully!) spanked hoping (stupidly) that it would help (not necessarily done in anger...but still with regret). I pray for patience and help...have to run now. more later, perhaps.

Thanks again for all the encouragement and tips (and fellowship!)

[Ned]

Funny, I remember my our counsellor telling us it was our responsibility to try our hardest and pull on all the strength we had to resist getting angry and shouting (b/c we were role modelling even when we were yelling), but its so easy to say, not so easy to do sometimes. But I have found that working on DH and my issues (which we didn;t even realise we had many of) and agreeing in how to hanle each situation has really helped us to be happier, calmer parents and handle things a lot better - and I do mean A LOT! I'm a mazed how well I am handling things lately - even when the girls start fighting - I'm so calm. :yes

Here's a few tips we keep on the fridge for handling my DDs frustration/anger tantrums:

Make a game of it.
Acknowledge - "you ARE angry"
Give an unexpected hug.
Give 2 or more choices
Walk away (if you are boiling)
Explain after a wobbly (tantrum) that that behaviour is hurtful.
Listen - let her speak, don't interupt.

Hope something is helpful there.

[akwiggy]

:heart Oh, thanks sooo much! I'm so grateful to have sisters to turn to for encouragement.....

Great suggestions!

[Sweet Life]

:hug2 I'm late to the party here but want to say you are not alone :hug2 and kudos to you for working on it . Our church recommends The Anger Workbook: http://www. christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=45745&kw=45745&en=froogle&p=1013824

[sassytap]

I soooo needed to find this thread. The last few weeks my fuse just seems to be getting shorter and shorter. I hate snapping at my girls and seeing the worry and fear flash through their faces. I find myself thinking of hitting them or screaming at them and am so afraid I will slip and do it. I am really trying to open myself to the Holy Spirit. I really need those fruits right about now. Am looking up all of the suggestion posted so far.... Thanks!
Sarah

[missythemom]

I can totally feel for you. :heart My mother and step father are trained in EFT and although I haven't really tried it very much i can say when I have used it it worked wonderfully.I was told that it is not like hypnosis at all but instead is more like accupressure.

[marathonmom]

I'm chiming in late here, but a very good book is: "Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Children"
It isn't so much about anger management, as about the fact that anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed and how to deal with
common issues - dawdling, not listening, lying, etc. If the issues are dealt with effectively, then there is less for everyone to be angry about.

For us, cutting down media helps too. I find the electronics really wind my kids up, and for my kids they are quite addictive, which leads
to anger when being told to stop, even with clear boundaries. Cutting down media for myself helps as well - I am too guilty of being
on the computer while the kids are upset over something.

The same people who write "Good and Angry" put out an email several times a week with parenting tips. If you go to www.effectiveparenting.org you can sign up.

HTH

[Minerva]

I have not read it, but our church is about to start a study using The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents by Les Carter