mommamo
01-02-2008, 01:20 PM
I have thought and thought about posting here but I feel like I am stuck and desperately need help and I know from all my lurking that this is the place I might be able to get some. My dh and I are really trying to practice GBD. We're trying so hard to do it but both of us were raised in spanking, rather punitive households and we have gotten ourselves into a corner I guess with our 4 yo dd and I really don't know how to get out of it. I just feel like we're stuck and don't know how to find that happy middle ground between being punitive and permissive and I just really need some help. Things have gotten so bad lately and I just don't know how to help us out of this.
C (the 4 yo dd) has been diagnosed with SPD and I know that she does have sensory needs that must be met, otherwise things go downhill quickly and we are working to meet them, but I feel her behavior in the mean time has just gotten bad, for lack of any better description right now.
For one, for the past while she will get in moods where she resists using words to tell us things. She has an amazing vocabulary, better than her 9 year old cousin sometimes, but she will just refuse to say things. She will point, grunt, jump up and down, turn away if she doesn't want something, pout. Or if she wants to do something she'll smile, jump up and down, make excited noises, but won't say anything. At all. We consistently tell her that we can't help her if she won't tell us what she wants but she is so persistent in everything that she will continue this for hours. She was trying to tell me one day that the frost had melted off the car and she kept pointing and saying "look!" but would never tell me what I was supposed to be looking at, even when asked. We sat in the car for 20 minutes in the target parking lot until I finally figured it out. She refused to get out of the car during that time. If I ask if she'd like some milk instead of saying "No thank you" like she used to she'll just turn her body away and cross her arms and make an ugly face. We remind her what the polite thing is to say but she is just refusing to do it.
She has also been stubborn and tantruming about everything. This next example I really don't know if we handle right but that's why I'm asking for help! Last night we got home right at the kids bedtime (we had gone to meet my sister's fiance's parents and have dinner with them) so I know it was late. When we got home C decided she was asleep (she wasn't, but once she decides something that's the reality for her) and she wanted to be carried in. I can't carry her-she weighs 45 lbs and I'm 30 wks pg. I have a hard enough time with my 27 lb ds. DH had to go to the bathroom so I told C that I knew she was "asleep" but I was so sorry I couldn't carry her but I wanted to hold her hand and go in the house with her. I helped her out of the car where she threw herself on the ground screaming that she was cold and couldn't take another step and I had to carry her. I calmly explained that I would hold her hand but I was cold too and I needed to get all of us (brother included) in the house so we could get ready for bed. She made it into our front gate and then threw herself on the ground for the same reasons. She was screaming the entire time. I told her that I needed to get D into his pjs so he could go to bed and that she needed to come in the house. I also said that she was choosing to be cold and stay outside but D and I wanted to be warm so we were going in. She stood in our (fenced) front yard and screamed and howled. DH went outside to get some stuff we'd left in the car and he helped her up to the door but as soon as she stepped foot in the door she backed out again screaming that she needed to be carried and that she was too cold to walk. She stood on the porch howling for another minute (we were near the door). I couldn't take it anymore, and I took her hand and walked inside with her. She screamed at me and kicked me. We told her no kicking, I helped her into her bed, took her shoes off her, and told her I loved her and would see her in the morning but that her behavior was unacceptable in our family. This whole episode tore me up inside but I couldn't allow her to behave this way even if she was tired. This morning she apologized for kicking me but I would have rather not gone through this in the first place.
She is also very aggressive. When she doesn't get her way she grabs, kicks, she's stood on her 23 month old brother, she screams, etc. She does have sensory issues (she's very sensory seeking) so we've been working with her to learn to behave appropriately with other people but she is having a difficult time changing that behavior. She is refusing to help when asked (she does have chores she's expected to do but will not do them willingly). She has just had a terrible attitude in general lately. She does also have a very high energy level which just adds to this. It's frustrating though, because she is a very intelligent child and when she is not behaving this way we have the most lovely conversations and just such a pleasant time together. She really can behave nicely with her brother when she wants to and she just adores him. And I know that somewhere intellectually she knows this behavior is wrong, yet she chooses it. I am not able to get anything done because I am constantly having to make sure she doesn't hurt her little brother. My mom said that C is ruling the family right now and I don't want to allow that, but don't know what to do. She's really always been such a sweet girl, just rough and highly active, but this new personality change is making me crazy. Thanks so much for making it this far. I know this is a novel, I'm just at a loss. I really would also appreciate any prayers right now.
C (the 4 yo dd) has been diagnosed with SPD and I know that she does have sensory needs that must be met, otherwise things go downhill quickly and we are working to meet them, but I feel her behavior in the mean time has just gotten bad, for lack of any better description right now.
For one, for the past while she will get in moods where she resists using words to tell us things. She has an amazing vocabulary, better than her 9 year old cousin sometimes, but she will just refuse to say things. She will point, grunt, jump up and down, turn away if she doesn't want something, pout. Or if she wants to do something she'll smile, jump up and down, make excited noises, but won't say anything. At all. We consistently tell her that we can't help her if she won't tell us what she wants but she is so persistent in everything that she will continue this for hours. She was trying to tell me one day that the frost had melted off the car and she kept pointing and saying "look!" but would never tell me what I was supposed to be looking at, even when asked. We sat in the car for 20 minutes in the target parking lot until I finally figured it out. She refused to get out of the car during that time. If I ask if she'd like some milk instead of saying "No thank you" like she used to she'll just turn her body away and cross her arms and make an ugly face. We remind her what the polite thing is to say but she is just refusing to do it.
She has also been stubborn and tantruming about everything. This next example I really don't know if we handle right but that's why I'm asking for help! Last night we got home right at the kids bedtime (we had gone to meet my sister's fiance's parents and have dinner with them) so I know it was late. When we got home C decided she was asleep (she wasn't, but once she decides something that's the reality for her) and she wanted to be carried in. I can't carry her-she weighs 45 lbs and I'm 30 wks pg. I have a hard enough time with my 27 lb ds. DH had to go to the bathroom so I told C that I knew she was "asleep" but I was so sorry I couldn't carry her but I wanted to hold her hand and go in the house with her. I helped her out of the car where she threw herself on the ground screaming that she was cold and couldn't take another step and I had to carry her. I calmly explained that I would hold her hand but I was cold too and I needed to get all of us (brother included) in the house so we could get ready for bed. She made it into our front gate and then threw herself on the ground for the same reasons. She was screaming the entire time. I told her that I needed to get D into his pjs so he could go to bed and that she needed to come in the house. I also said that she was choosing to be cold and stay outside but D and I wanted to be warm so we were going in. She stood in our (fenced) front yard and screamed and howled. DH went outside to get some stuff we'd left in the car and he helped her up to the door but as soon as she stepped foot in the door she backed out again screaming that she needed to be carried and that she was too cold to walk. She stood on the porch howling for another minute (we were near the door). I couldn't take it anymore, and I took her hand and walked inside with her. She screamed at me and kicked me. We told her no kicking, I helped her into her bed, took her shoes off her, and told her I loved her and would see her in the morning but that her behavior was unacceptable in our family. This whole episode tore me up inside but I couldn't allow her to behave this way even if she was tired. This morning she apologized for kicking me but I would have rather not gone through this in the first place.
She is also very aggressive. When she doesn't get her way she grabs, kicks, she's stood on her 23 month old brother, she screams, etc. She does have sensory issues (she's very sensory seeking) so we've been working with her to learn to behave appropriately with other people but she is having a difficult time changing that behavior. She is refusing to help when asked (she does have chores she's expected to do but will not do them willingly). She has just had a terrible attitude in general lately. She does also have a very high energy level which just adds to this. It's frustrating though, because she is a very intelligent child and when she is not behaving this way we have the most lovely conversations and just such a pleasant time together. She really can behave nicely with her brother when she wants to and she just adores him. And I know that somewhere intellectually she knows this behavior is wrong, yet she chooses it. I am not able to get anything done because I am constantly having to make sure she doesn't hurt her little brother. My mom said that C is ruling the family right now and I don't want to allow that, but don't know what to do. She's really always been such a sweet girl, just rough and highly active, but this new personality change is making me crazy. Thanks so much for making it this far. I know this is a novel, I'm just at a loss. I really would also appreciate any prayers right now.