When other's spank

[LvnLtl1s]

How much contact do you let your LOs have with families who spank openly? My sister and BIL frequently spank their LOs or smack their hands when we are all hanging out. I've noticed DS really watching what's going on. He doesn't have words right now to ask about it, so I'm also not sure how to handle addressing this with him. My DH thinks it's a no-brainer: as soon as one of them spanks I need to gather up our babies and leave. I have a hard time with that, these people are my family and other than this we get along well. I don't agree with their choice, but I don't want to come across as all high and mighty but on the other hand it bothers me that this is done in front of my children.

[milkmommy]

I allow it till DD seems bothered or there is use of objects (belts ect) or demening words (belittling cursing) involved. I wish I could just scoop her up and protect her from it all but unless I keep her inside all day close the windows and lock the doors shes going to be exposed to this.

Deanna

[Teribear]

I'm with your DH. If my family has so little respect for their own child that the would humiliate them by hitting them in front of me then the least I can do is demonstrate to the child that I respect them enough not to stay and be the audience. My house is a "no hitting zone". I have and will ask people to leave if they can't get through the duration of a social visit without feeling the need to hit. :shrug

[milkmommy]

I would absoultly keep your home a spank free zone. :yes I can't completely controll what happens outside our home and living the "apartment life" means some unfortunate adjustments in whats we expose our child too but MY home can absoultly be a safe haven. :yes2

Deanna

[Teribear]

Yeah. I am addressing specifically the issue of family. Out in the general world I can't prevent DD from being exposed to this...sadly...but with family I think its just such a HUGE lack of respect for both the child that is being hit and the child that is being forced to observe this that I would and have make a much stronger stance. Even Dobson says that discipline should never be done in front of others. :shrug

[AmyWA]

This is a really, really hard one for me. My brother and SIL are ADAMENT spankers. :no2 We have family dinner with them every week (and the rest of my family). Fortunately, my DD is old enough that we've been able to thoroughly explain to her what we believe and why we believe it. It sometimes makes her sad that my nephew is "being hit" too. :sad2 But, they are my family. And I'm not about to disown them or have them disown me because I love them too much. I just believe that the more we are around them hopefully they will see how much GBD DOES work and how you can "not hit" your kids and have them be well behaved. I haven't had the heart to tell them boldly that the reason their son is a BIG well-known bully is because he's spanked every 5 seconds... :no2

[MarynMunchkins]

I don't spend time with people who openly spank in front of me. I let them know my feelings on the matter, and ask that they at least move to another room. Most do. :tu We don't see the few who refused anymore. :shrug

The threats to spank bother me too, but my kids say something about them now. :giggle "Hey, you should not tell your kids you will spank them! Hitting hurts!"

[Joanne]

If it's my home: It's a no spanking policy. Honor it or leave.

If it's their home: Would you consider physically punishing your child in private? If not, I'll be removing my child from viewing it.

Public places: I move my child away.

In general, I am careful to not use judgement words with my kids over it, but I also don't hold back on my appropriately explained/expressed opinion. "Some parents feel it's necessary or ok to spank. I don't believe that (or "we" if DH agrees)." I've added "it makes me feel bad to see it happen, too." if I sense my child feels wonky.

Here's the deal, though. In a couple of the posts already in this thread, we are talking about people who spank, slap or hit frequently. That tone, dynamic and atmosphere would bother me enough to limit time spent. I don't believe in spanking. But spanking done frequently speaks to other issues (unrealistic expectations, adversarial parenting, lazy parenting, etc). For those reasons, I'd not want to be around.

[RachamMama]

If it's my home: It's a no spanking policy. Honor it or leave.

If it's their home: Would you consider physically punishing your child in private? If not, I'll be removing my child from viewing it.

Public places: I move my child away.

In general, I am careful to not use judgement words with my kids over it, but I also don't hold back on my appropriately explained/expressed opinion. "Some parents feel it's necessary or ok to spank. I don't believe that (or "we" if DH agrees)." I've added "it makes me feel bad to see it happen, too." if I sense my child feels wonky.

Here's the deal, though. In a couple of the posts already in this thread, we are talking about people who spank, slap or hit frequently. That tone, dynamic and atmosphere would bother me enough to limit time spent. I don't believe in spanking. But spanking done frequently speaks to other issues (unrealistic expectations, adversarial parenting, lazy parenting, etc). For those reasons, I'd not want to be around.







ditto :ty

[LvnLtl1s]

My house is definitely a "no hitting zone". This kind of thing mostly takes place when we are at their house and a little at my parent's house. Like AmyWA's family we have dinner every Sunday and I want to be able to have that time with my family and for my LOs to have that time especially with their grandparents and cousins.


Even Dobson says that discipline should never be done in front of others. :shrug

Yeah, I know. DH and I were talking about this the other day - they don't even spank "right", if there is such a thing.


Here's the deal, though. In a couple of the posts already in this thread, we are talking about people who spank, slap or hit frequently. That tone, dynamic and atmosphere would bother me enough to limit time spent. I don't believe in spanking. But spanking done frequently speaks to other issues (unrealistic expectations, adversarial parenting, lazy parenting, etc). For those reasons, I'd not want to be around.



Unfortunately (and I hate to say this about my sister), I really feel that this is exactly what we are dealing with. She told me the other day that her DS had gotten "Several spankings" :bheart the day before for telling her "no" - he's 22 months old! :banghead And I just hurt for the little guy, he's such a sensitive little soul and I was so much like that when I was little and I know how spanking hurt me. I just want to scoop him up in my arms and run away with him. And they both work more than full time and I often get the impression that they just don't want to deal with some of the behaviors of their two LOs so spanking is the easy way out. I'm trying so hard to set the good example with GBD and just pour so much love on those babies when they are with me, I don't know what else to do for them. I really think spending any length of time at their house isn't going to be an option right now and I'm going to need to be prepared to leave when this behavior occurs. I know how much it hurts me to watch it, and I don't want DS being affected that way.

[CapeTownMommy]

We haven't had to address this yet - we were first among our friends to have a child (although a few couples have followed suit since) and so none of our friends have children who are old enough to spank. My sister and BIL spank their 3yo and 1.5yo, but they live almost 1000 miles away and we only see them once or twice a year. So far the issue hasn't come up.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with my sister if this happens. If it's in my house, I will ask them not to spank in my house, but I also know it will get REALLY ugly. It's her personality not to take criticism well, especially from me (I'm younger, and she's always had an attitude of knowing better than I do). If it's somewhere else, like at my parents' house, I will remove dd from the room if at all possible. I do think they will probably spank in another room rather than in front of us, but they do give threats all.the.time. Ugh.

And like someone else said, it's a symptom of lazy parenting - BIL sitting down, watching kids approach the (covered) swimming pool at my parents' house, saying "get away from there, no, get away, get away, do you want a spanking?" instead of GOHB and distracting.

[blessedhrtmom]

Luckily we aren't around too many spankers....or at least not in front of us. I have the same "no spanking in our house" rule as some others. When we have seen it in public I have made comments to my son (who was obviously bothered) like, "yikes, that's not nice" "It's not nice to hit....no matter if it's adult / child or child / child". And then we move on. If it was a really uncomfortable situation I would probably leave or take that time to talk to the mom "wow you really seem frustrated...can I share some ideas that work for us?" although I'm sure you've probably done that.
On the bright side; I overheard my son who is now almost 8 talking to a friend. I asked the boys to be on their best behavior and his friend said, "oh I will....I haven't even gotten a spanking in over a month!" My son then said, "Oh we don't get spanked" and his friend replied, "everyone gets spanked" to which my son replied, "no, not everyone gets spanked....it's not nice and our family doesn't spank."
I thought it was cool that my little guy was spreading the word about AP!

[HummusDip]

My home is a no spanking zone too. We don't allow it. But recently my SIL and her husband were over with their kids and their daughter (21 months) bit my daughter. She slapped her in the face, twise. I was so taken back I didn't say a word. My dh and I just looked at eachother. In that situation I didn't know how to address it. No matter what I did, she would have gotten extremely offended and it would have caused major family turmoil. That's not an excuse to let it go on in my home, but that's what stopped me from saying anything. I guess I'm looking for ways to say something that would be the LEAST offensive to the people doing the spanking. What would you say?

If I'm in an area where spanking is going on, I take my child away and I have been known to tell a stranger in Target that there are much better ways to discipline that to hit your child..... :shifty

[Lantern Light Mama]

Joanne,

How do you enforce your boundary? Has there ever been a time when people have left your home really mad? I have trouble with boundaries (not like anyone here doesn't know that these days), so Im interested in hearing how you handled it. Thanks.

[stbmomof1plus2]

We have a "no hitting/no yelling" rule in our home. NO ONE is allowed to hit or yell. Therefore, if someone wants to spank they must do it in their car or otherwise outside the house. This is also true for yelling at their children or calling them names. This goes for children as well, we don't allow visiting kids who might be siblings to fistfight and such, even if the parents don't have an issue with it. They can do it outside in their own car, but not in our home.

[blossomnatalia]

:popcorn

[3PeasInAPod]

ugh. This is tough for me too. Thankfully don't have family that does that.. But...It would be so difficult for me to see my neice or nephew get spanked, especially at such a young age & in the face too. I feel there's such a difference between spanking on the buttocks occasionally & slapping the face or any other body part. Sure, I believe it's all abuse in it's basic foundation... but if I had a niece who was 5yrs old & spanked in another room once on the bottom vs a 22-month neice slapped in the face - I'd probably choose to bite my tongue on the first situation, but not the second...
IDK - I guess in each situation, we can quickly ask God for guidance & help in how to respond. But I would generally adopt a rule of no hitting in my own home.

[LeeDee]

Gosh if I were to only every let my kids hang around with non-spankers we'd be pretty lonely. Maybe it's just a Nebraska thing?

I never have spanked my kids and never will. I feel strongly against it. I do however feel it's not really my business if other parents are spanking thier children. It does bother me, it truly does. But I try to give them as much respect for their own parenting views as what I hope to get for mine. KWIM? I'm not going to pretend I have all the right answers.


I don't think I've ever mat another Christian in real life who doesn't spank. I can't think of one. And at the end of the day, I'd rather us be socialising with Christian families.

[blossomnatalia]

Gosh if I were to only every let my kids hang around with non-spankers we'd be pretty lonely. Maybe it's just a Nebraska thing?

I never have spanked my kids and never will. I feel strongly against it. I do however feel it's not really my business if other parents are spanking thier children. It does bother me, it truly does. But I try to give them as much respect for their own parenting views as what I hope to get for mine. KWIM? I'm not going to pretend I have all the right answers.

Some of our best friends believe in CIO (even with a tiny newborn) and intend to spank and are all into how wonderful spanking is. It breaks my heart cause I can't helo but think of all the damage being done to that perfect little girl. But I try to just not let the conversation come up, because otherwise we're really great friends with loads in common. They do loads of other crunchy things.

I don't think I've ever mat another Christian in real life who doesn't spank. I can't think of one. And at the end of the day, I'd rather us be socialising with Christian families.


I am glad you wrote that because like I said in another thread, that is the way I feel also.
I would feel completely disrespectful towards my friends.
I would not expect them to tell me to discipline my child somewhere else or to spank my children whenever they misbehave so I guess I would not see myself saying that to them either. They already know we don't believe in spanking and so I know they already think twice about it before they do it. I always redirect my kids and distract them if it happened in the same room. that is really all I can do.... :shrug

Anyway, that is just the way I think about it but I am always interested in hearing how you all deal with this ... I just wished I could do this without feeling like I would be overstepping and disrespecting my friends or family.

It would be nice to be able to shield them of it all...

[Serafine]

Gosh if I were to only every let my kids hang around with non-spankers we'd be pretty lonely. Maybe it's just a Nebraska thing?

I never have spanked my kids and never will. I feel strongly against it. I do however feel it's not really my business if other parents are spanking thier children. It does bother me, it truly does. But I try to give them as much respect for their own parenting views as what I hope to get for mine. KWIM? I'm not going to pretend I have all the right answers.

Some of our best friends believe in CIO (even with a tiny newborn) and intend to spank and are all into how wonderful spanking is. It breaks my heart cause I can't helo but think of all the damage being done to that perfect little girl. But I try to just not let the conversation come up, because otherwise we're really great friends with loads in common. They do loads of other crunchy things.

I don't think I've ever mat another Christian in real life who doesn't spank. I can't think of one. And at the end of the day, I'd rather us be socialising with Christian families.


I am glad you wrote that because like I said in another thread, that is the way I feel also.
I would feel completely disrespectful towards my friends.
I would not expect them to tell me to discipline my child somewhere else or to spank my children whenever they misbehave so I guess I would not see myself saying that to them either. They already know we don't believe in spanking and so I know they already think twice about it before they do it. I always redirect my kids and distract them if it happened in the same room. that is really all I can do.... :shrug

Anyway, that is just the way I think about it but I am always interested in hearing how you all deal with this ... I just wished I could do this without feeling like I would be overstepping and disrespecting my friends or family.

It would be nice to be able to shield them of it all...


I have a very, very good friend who is an avid spanker. Actually, she is an avid pearl advocate. SHe has flat-out told me that I am disobeying the Bible for not spanking, and I told her she was welcome to think that, but that she was not welcome to spank or threaten to spank in my home. I also told her that she was obviously free to discipline her children however she wanted to in her own home, but that if she did it in front of my children, she would be putting me in the awkwrad postion of having to:

1) tell my children that what she did was wrong and that it makes God very sad. To NOT tell my children that is to undermine everything that DH and I have been teaching and repeating since birth.

2) seriously reconsider the value of our friendship, regardless of how many other fun, crunchy things we have in common.

She actually agreed with me and has never touched or threatened her children around me. I do not feel it is direspectful to set up boundaries to protect my child from witnessing *what I believe* to be an act of abuse. If someone hit another person or an animal in front of me...I would say something the first time. After that, we would be gone and seriously reevaluation the nature of that friendship.

I also don't know that I would rather hang out with Christians who feel the need to physically handle their children (or threaten to do so) in front of other people or with them on the premises, rather than non-Christians who have found other methods. That is a deal-breaker for me.

[gentlemommy]

I do not feel it is direspectful to set up boundaries to protect my child from witnessing *what I believe* to be an act of abuse.

:yes I would have no problem setting that boundary either to protect my dd. They are free to parent how they wish but when their parenting negatively affects *my* child, we're outta there. Just like I'd leave immediately if they started watching porn, swearing incessantly, put on a very violent movie, etc. :shrug

And I also agree that I'd rather hang out with non-Christian families that don't spank than Christian families that openly/frequently spank. That's not the example of Christianity that I want my dd around.

[LeeDee]

So do you guys find that most families in your church don't spank?

I've explained to my daughter that some parents spank their kids, and that they believe they're doing the right thing, and I also explain why I believe it's wrong and won't do it.

[Teribear]

I'm fairly sure most of the people we worship and homeschool with spank...however what we're talking about is spanking *in front of* me or my child. Most Christian people I know do NOT do that. Even most Christian punitive parenting "gurus" caution NOT to do that. So if someone is so without control or boundaries that they're doing so in public I feel compelled to act on behalf of the child and on behalf of myself and my children. I WILL NOT associate with people who are so uncreative in their parenting that they cannot get through a visit or playdate without striking their child. :shrug

[LvnLtl1s]

I think most of the Christians I know probably do spank (we're Southern Baptist and I was taught growing up that spanking is Biblical :(). That being said, they don't do it openly. The issue we're having is that it's family that are doing this in front of my children. I know that if I say something it's going to totally offend my sister and start a huge deal that I just don't want to get into. At the same time I feel like I need to protect my children and it just breaks my heart to watch her LOs go through that. How do you set that boundary in a non-threatening way? Or is it just one of those things you have to do and if they're offended then so be it?

[Kiera]

I wish I could give words of wisdom to help you out, but I'm kind of in the same situation. My aunt who has 3 children does spank and so does a "friend" of mine. This friend of mine also talks to her son rudely. I won't go over there now, because of it. Her son has epiplepsy (sp), she hit him and made him fall into my DH's hard shoe at a christmas party =( My children can't understand it, they stare and looked confused and sad. I don't have to go over to the friends but with family it IS different. My aunt believes she is the know-it-all since she's been a mother for 10/11 years and I've only been for 5. She's talked about how she doesn't have anymore wooden spoons because she broke them on the kids. Our house is a no hitting or disrespecting zone. It's so sad what some children have to go through. Everyone in my family has spanked their children and I'm the only one who has gone another way. I'm proud of that, but they sadly are not.

[Serafine]

I think most of the Christians I know probably do spank (we're Southern Baptist and I was taught growing up that spanking is Biblical :(). That being said, they don't do it openly. The issue we're having is that it's family that are doing this in front of my children. I know that if I say something it's going to totally offend my sister and start a huge deal that I just don't want to get into. At the same time I feel like I need to protect my children and it just breaks my heart to watch her LOs go through that. How do you set that boundary in a non-threatening way? Or is it just one of those things you have to do and if they're offended then so be it?

I think our responsibility is to set boundaries for ourselves and our children in a kind and firm way. Example:

1. If someone hits in your home; kindly say that we do not allow hitting or yelling or threatening in our home; they are welcome to leave if they need to continue.

2. If someone hits while you are in their home; leave. If they ask why, explain that you do not allow your children to be in the presence of hitting or yelling or threatening. If they do it again, don't go back. Make all playdates, get-togethers at your house, where you can control the circumstances.

THEIR responsibility is to process your boundaries and respond to them. You can't control (nor should you want to) their big feelings. We allow our children to have big feelings about boundaries we set; we aresn't scared to set them b/c of how they might respond....do the same with the people in your lives.

[angelicmom]

You know, I have a big set back with my 4 years old, we were out of the country for almost 4 months and people back home spank, yell, scream and ponish their kids, the kids become visous I think, they hide things, they lie a lot... well we finally got home "Thank God!" and my daughter came back not wanting to share with her brother, and being a meany with me and her dad, this past couple of weeks things seem hopeful, I can see how she is getting back to her usual happy-helpful girl. I'm so glad!
I think you should talk to your family if you have an open relationship with them, maybe gift them a book or dvd on the subject?

[LittleLams]

A few years ago when dh and I were not so gentle parents, ds got a spanken at my nephews birthday party. My husband did take him into another room to discipline him, however he chose the bathroom next to the room that the party was in, which of course echoed. Most of the people were involved in the opening of the presents and did not know what was going on. However, dh cousin heard what was going on. While dh was in the bathroom for a while talking to ds and cuddling him, cousin made a HUGE scene, grabbed her kids and had them put their jackets on to leave, threatened to call DFACS, blah blah blah. She did not have the guts to wait on dh to confront him, only made empty threats. Not surprisingly, that is her mode of discipline to her own shildren, yelling and screaming and empty threats to take ski trips or birthday parties away only to have them earned back. Anyways, I was not impressed with her attitude towards her disagreement with our parenting styles. I was definately not open to anything she had to say considering her attitude and way of carrying out her actions. If she was truly concerned about my kids safety, idle threats and making a big scene and abruptly leaving in the manner she did was not the way to express that concern. On a lighter note, I have a good friend that mentioned GCM, mentioned her thoughts in a non-threatening way about gentle parenting, was very patient and took time to invest in me and my kids. Maybe a gentle approach to all the other parents, family or not, that you are really eternally concerned about will work rather than a snobbish "I am right and you are wrong" approach (and it can come across snobbish even if you don't mean for it to).

[Serafine]

A few years ago when dh and I were not so gentle parents, ds got a spanken at my nephews birthday party. My husband did take him into another room to discipline him, however he chose the bathroom next to the room that the party was in, which of course echoed. Most of the people were involved in the opening of the presents and did not know what was going on. However, dh cousin heard what was going on. While dh was in the bathroom for a while talking to ds and cuddling him, cousin made a HUGE scene, grabbed her kids and had them put their jackets on to leave, threatened to call DFACS, blah blah blah. She did not have the guts to wait on dh to confront him, only made empty threats. Not surprisingly, that is her mode of discipline to her own shildren, yelling and screaming and empty threats to take ski trips or birthday parties away only to have them earned back. Anyways, I was not impressed with her attitude towards her disagreement with our parenting styles. I was definately not open to anything she had to say considering her attitude and way of carrying out her actions. If she was truly concerned about my kids safety, idle threats and making a big scene and abruptly leaving in the manner she did was not the way to express that concern. On a lighter note, I have a good friend that mentioned GCM, mentioned her thoughts in a non-threatening way about gentle parenting, was very patient and took time to invest in me and my kids. Maybe a gentle approach to all the other parents, family or not, that you are really eternally concerned about will work rather than a snobbish "I am right and you are wrong" approach (and it can come across snobbish even if you don't mean for it to).


While I appreciate your example of what *not* to do, I wanted to point out that no one in this thread has suggested behaving in the manner you have described. Setting gentle, but firm boundaries concerning what you will allow your children to be exposed to is a FAR cry from making a huge scene and yelling and screaming and making empty threats. In the situation you described, I doubt that anyone here would have done what your cousing did. If my children were unaware of what happened in that setting (which they probably would have been if a lot was going on), then I doubt I would have done anything.

However, if your DH would have threatened to spank out loud to where my children heard, and then followed through with it in an obvious way, I probably would have quietly left with my children (which is FAR different than making a scene) and would have privately approached your family later to discuss our personal boundaries.

[DoulaClara]

I'd love some advice, too, about how those of you enforce your "No Spanking Zone" policies. I would like this for our house, and have not had an opportunity where anyone has been threatened with one yet (not a lot of people with kids visit, reletives far away, etc.) Cute sign? Step in when things get punative-feeling?

[LittleLams]

I did not mean to offend anyone, so please accept my apology. This is the deal... Until 6 months spanking WAS occasionally used in my home. It is no longer used and through lots of prayer and by God's love and grace for my family I am a much calmer and more gentle parent. However, old habits are sometimes hard to break and dh will say "Do you want a spanking" and immediately regret it. We are working on it, we were obviously steered in the wrong direction by a class at a church. So I guess some would choose not to associate with me and my family because of this and that's really sad because I could use the encouragement and I am a really cool person with other great qualities even if I did previously make bad choices.

[Serafine]

I did not mean to offend anyone, so please accept my apology. This is the deal... Until 6 months spanking WAS occasionally used in my home. It is no longer used and through lots of prayer and by God's love and grace for my family I am a much calmer and more gentle parent. However, old habits are sometimes hard to break and dh will say "Do you want a spanking" and immediately regret it. We are working on it, we were obviously steered in the wrong direction by a class at a church. So I guess some would choose not to associate with me and my family because of this and that's really sad because I could use the encouragement and I am a really cool person with other great qualities even if I did previously make bad choices.


:hugheart Please do not think *I* am offended. I was just clarifying where I (and I think most of the others on here) were coming from. Also, I think you may be misinterpreting what we are trying to say. I (and at least a few others on this thread) have said that we DO hang out with people that we know spank. The boundary comes into play regarding spanking/threatening to spank their children in the presence of *our* children.

In your situation, if your DH accidentally said that, and then immediately retracted/apologized for his words (a stage many of the formerly-punitive mamas on here have gone through)...their would be no reason for me to set a boundary to protect my children.

The issue arises when people are so unboundaried and harsh and punitive in their parenting that they can't make it through one play-date or family get-together without spanking, yelling at, or threatening their children. Those are the individuals that I would choose to limit/end my time with, in order to protect my children.

Does that make more sense?

BTW, I think it is wonderful that the Lord has brought you and your DH to a new place of gentle parenting...you will love it here on GCM...lots of honest, non-judgemental support and mentoring.

[Teribear]

No, that's not it. It would be a problem if you were still acting on that threat and you did so in front of my kid. I have lots of friends that spank. I have heard the threats made and wondered what happened when that child got home...but if you're not hitting your kid in front of my kid then its your choice. When someone choses to strike their child in the presence of my child THEN it becomes a problem. A big one. My home is a non-spanking zone...but if you take it to the car I'm not going to refuse to let you back in. I can't control what you do in the car. I can control what my child is directly exposed to in her home. I can't control what out of control people do in Wal-mart/Target. I can affirm. Loudly. That it is wrong. And leave the area. I can't control what happens at large extended family gatherings. I can chose to quietly leave said gathering if something happens that I don't want my daughter exposed to. I will likely never tell you that I don't approve. I will likely not challenge you unless necessary on my turf. I have had guests leave in a huff. Its worth it to me. My home is my child's safe place and I will not allow that to be violated by witnessing one of her peers being hit in the name of discipline. I just won't.

Someone who is coming out of that paradigm and I know is working on changing old habits will be dealt with much more gracefully than someone who is not only entrenched but has said or implied that I am in the wrong for NOT spanking. We'd probably be great friends. If you had shared with me that was what you were working on and you slipped up around me and threatened I would hope by being the "indulgent friend with the nutty no spanking rules" I could offer you a face saving out by saying, gently and with a smile on my face, "Nuh uh, not at Ms. Teri's house. This is a no spanking zone! The only thing we hit with around here is pillows! Wanna pillow fight?" or something else to break the tension and change the atmosphere. A lot of time just a simple change of atmosphere fixes the problem anyway.

[tazmom]

When someone comes to my house with their LO, I mention in the initial greetings that we don't spank, so I would appreciate it if they didn't spank in our home. I do it very casually, like somewhere in between "How's it going" and "The toys are in here."

When I go to someone's house where I know they spank, I do something similar. I casually say in the greetings that we don't spank and it's upsetting to me and my DC to see or hear someone else spank their children, so I would appreciate it if they didn't spank their LO while we are there.

While I've never had anyone have a problem with my request, an occasionally funny look, if someone were to argue with me about it, I would try not to argue about spanking itself, but more about how not being willing to honour my request is disrespectful to me and my family by doing something they know is upsetting to us.

[ladybug]

I have the same sitch.
My sis and her hubby spank, smack, talk loudly not gently to their not quite 2 yo, and have done it since day one. :cry
In fact, they let him CIO at 3 weeks old! :hunh
I never say anything, just do my own gentle discipline with my 3 in front of her.
I get the opposite tho, in HER telling me that *I* need to spank, smack my kids.
yah.
nice.
I try to tell her that we have different parenting styles and that what works for her kids doesn't work for mine.
But it's a useless arguement. so we agree to disagree.
And when My children need some gentle correction, I just take them to the other room, close the door and we talk.
That way she can't say "just SPANK HIM!"
And when she needs to deal with her son, I just gently take my kiddos out of the room.
sigh.