HELP with 4 year old!

[poopoo]

Can anyone give me suggestions or ideas? I don't know if anyone else has experienced this or not, but if you have and you found a way to make it better PLEASE let me know.

Our daughter is 4 years old. She seems to be VERY attached to ME. Even when Daddy is home I can NOT go to another room without her following me. I am a SAHM. To me, it seems she is getting worse. For example, a little bit ago, I was going into the dining room (she can see me, the house is not that big) and she HAD to follow me in there. She was on the computer playing a game, but as soon as I went into the dining room, she HAD to come in there. Another things she does is as soon as I go into another room, to maybe do dishes, fix lunch, fix dinner, or straighten up the dining room (we only have 3 rooms downstairs) she starts yelling for me "Mommy, Come in here." Half the time she does not want anything. I have been trying to get her to come to me instead of yelling for me. She EVEN has to follow me to the bathrom. She did that last night when Daddy was home and I said to her "do you have to follow me in here every time?"

I realize she is only 4 years old, BUT is there something I can do to help with this? It gets very annoying. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death BUT.......Enough is enough.

Also, what's the best thing to do when your 4 year old is saying a cuss word? Yep, she over heard Daddy a couple years ago say a cuss word and now she loves to say it. She had went a long time without saying it, but within the last week, the word has came back.

OH, our daughter is adopted. We adopted her on Feb. 28, 07 from Changsha, (Hunan Province) China when she was 15 months old. We are VERY proud she is our daughter and we are very proud of her. She had a rough start in her life.

Thank you all for listening. And thank you all ahead of time for any help you can offer.

Kim

[knitlove]

I don't have much help because I don't have any kids yet. With the girls I watch the now 5 year old is ok with not following me if I am continuing a conversation. I can't just walk away and then start talking to her but if we were talking then I can go to another room if I still talk to her.

I hope some one with more help comes along

[Joanne]

She's not been with you for a year yet, is that correct?

I believe that most (credible) adoption agencies have information on the intensity of the attachment/abandonment issues that are particular to adopted children. In a biological situation and at her age, I'd give some "learning you are ok" advice. But in your case, I'm inclined to make sure you know that her intense need for you is a commonly known pattern in children adopted older than infants.

Did your agency discuss this with you?

[klpmommy]

:scratch did you adopt her in '07 at 15 m/oor did you mean '05?

[sweetpeas]

For the most part, at 4, my kids are ok w/ not being right where I am, and will even play throughout the house but (a) they generally have to be with EACH OTHER if they're in other parts of the house. They were playing upstairs in their room today for quite awhile then for whatever reason, A came downstairs & L had a total meltdown because she wanted to keep playing upstairs but didn't want to be alone. and (b) that's only in our house, the very thought of being w/o Mommy (or Daddy) in public (a class, church, etc). is not gonna happen anytime soon!

Now, all that said, here's something I've seen over & over since they were toddlers. The second I start intentionally or unintentionally pushing them toward independence, they "snap back" and become much more clingy. Sometimes the things they will/won't do make no sense (to me). For a very long time, while A was perfectly happy when Daddy took them to grandmom's (his mom's) house for the afternoon, but if we were all here at home, she refused to stay home with Daddy while I ran to the grocery store. So, while it's easier to shop w/o any kids, one kid is easier than both kids, and it wasn't worth it, to me, to force the issue, she came with me grocery shopping while L stayed home with Daddy and played, watched tv, whatever.

So basically, if at all possible, keep her as close as she wants to be, with my kids, that reassurance for a little while helps them start pulling back on their own, to the point THEY feel comfortable with. That said, I don't think you need to go back into the room, what I would probably do is start pre-warning. "DD, I'm going to go wash dishes, you're welcome to come with me, or keep playing in here" and leave that up to her, it's her choice. If she keeps on playing and then calls you after you leave, I'd probably remind her "I told you I need to wash dishes, you can come into the kitchen if you need to talk to me.

[imaginationMama]

Hi. My daughter is also adopted from China. She was adopted at 33 months old about 19 months ago. She's nearing 4.5 now. We've been through some the same things you are describing. I do think it's harder sometimes on our kids who have experienced "toddler adoptions". Yours was on the younger end of that and I mine on the older, but I think it still applies. Despite what they're early experiences were (good, bad, or in-between), it was all they knew and they were uprooted from all of that so quickly. And China as you know, doesn't really let you "ease" into that transition like some countries. One day, this little girl has never seen you, the next day she is handed to you and told to call you "mama" and is whisked away to your hotel room. Cognitively, they're old enough to understand a little bit of what's going on, and yet, too young to really understand it. They don't have the language skills for someone to explain what's happening. I think for my daughter, some of the clinginess was a fear that she'd be taken away. It has gotten better (the clinginess) and now she actually does pretty well except in a new environment. Some of the things that have helped us were a lot of reassurance. We talk a LOT about how we are a "family forever" and how "mommy ALWAYS comes back". And we rehearse things too. Like occassionally I need her "nana" to pick her up from preschool for me when I have an after-school meeting (I teach at her preschool). We always rehearse it ahead of time. Things like "You get to go in the car rider line after school today. Nana is picking you up. You'll go to Nana's house and play. Then mommy will come in and hug you and take you back home." Now, she'll rehearse on her own: "Mommy go to meeting. I go to Nana's house. Mommy comes back and says "HUG!" Mommy always comes back!" In the house, I'd do things like say "I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be RIGHT BACK". And then of course I'd come back quickly and announce "see, I always come back". I don't know if this helps or not..but I think sometimes we forget how insecure our kids can really be with things we take for granted. Maybe you could help easer her into things by letting her hold something of yours. Maybe like "I need to go to (whatever room) for just a minute. Will you hold (whatever you had in your hands) this for me and I'll be right back to get it?" In addition to the adoption / attachment things, I think you might also have individual personality factoring in on top of that..I'd just take separation in baby steps (even within the house) and keep offering reassurance that she belongs in your family forever...
Oh - and one more thing. I know her adoption has been what, 2-3 years ago? BUt some friends of mine with older adopted children say these kinds of things reappear in different ways as the kids get older. Even for some children adopted as infants. You think they don't remember, but that emotional "imprint" of insecurity is still there and it takes reassurances over and over.
DeEtte