What is the proper way to accept an apology?

[Rabbit]

Specifically, what am I supposed to say while Samantha and I are standing over some sort of hideous, "I told you not to do that!" mess, and she says, "I'm sorry I made a mess, Momma!" in the most sorrowful and contrite voice possible.

I know what to -do.- She's going to help me clean it up. But I don't know what to say. What comes to mind are lame phrases that are complete lies, like, "It's okay." or "It's fine." Because it's not okay, and it's not fine. There's a giant, nasty mess that may well stain, or attract bugs, or that also involves something important broken or wasted beyond saving. It's NOT okay!

She's okay. I'm okay. The damage is never going to be more important than that. And she's forgiven, but I'm not comfortable bestowing my forgiveness, and telling her, "You're forgiven." Besides that, I'm usually grumbly until the mess is cleaned up, so that sounds begrudging, too.

(Those are the most mature things I can think of. Far less mature things come to mind, too, when my big feelings are being really big.)

Whatever I come up with to say is going to be what she learns to say to her friends, when they've done something that hurt her feelings, and are attempting to apologize while feathers are still ruffled. So help me out here. What's the script?

[cindergretta]

I try to always say "I forgive you." In fact, dd(7) was in Girl Scouts and they were talking about "helping words." The girls were all saying "please, thank you, you're welcome, and I'm sorry." Dd pipes up "Also 'I forgive you!'" It was so cute!!!! :heart

I think you'll find that "forcing" yourself to say "I forgive you" will help you get past your upset and actually start to feel like you do forgive her. That's how it is for me, anyway. :hug

I understand feeling "grumbly" but I think our dc really need to have our forgiveness in the moment that they are sincerely sorry or they begin to think that love and acceptance are contigent on "good behavior." (JMHO)

[Psyche]

"Thank you for apologizing and being accountable for your behavior. I forgive you. Let's finish cleaning up"


IDK, the part about being accountable strikes me as... harsh. Thats the best I can come up with now.

[TwinMommy03]

We always say "I forgive you", but we also add, "How can I help you feel better?" to make amends...

[MarynMunchkins]

"Thank you for apologizing. I'm still upset; I need a few minutes to calm down. Let's clean up now."

There's nothing wrong with needing some time to forgive someone - even when they're little. Just be kind and honest about what you're feeling. :)

[JessicaTX]

Mine's usually "I'll forgive you." I will...perhaps right not at this very moment, but I will :P

[canadiyank]

"It will be ok, baby (this is important for me...it's not ok right then, but it *will* be ok). Let's clean up."

[ArmsOfLove]

I would say "I forgive you. Now let's get this cleaned up."

the truth is, apologizing is recommended but forgiving is commanded. :heart

[cindergretta]

I don't know.  I think older children can certainly wait for forgiveness until I am not peeved anymore.  But little ones wouldn't understand.  I'm thinking of my "big guy."  He's 4.  And he's rough.  He hurts me when we play sometimes.  Badly.  And I get really upset!  But he is so sad that he hurt me and so sorry, I have to say "I forgive you."  Otherwise I am just punishing him.  And later when I'm not upset anymore, it isn't an issue for him and if I were to say "I forgive you now," he'd look at me like "huh?!"

JME  I just think little kids need different reactions than older ones.

[MarynMunchkins]

:shrug Maybe it depends on the kid.

I find myself angrier and more resentful if I feel "forced" into saying something I don't really mean because of the reaction I'll get if I don't say it. :think I might add, "I'm not really angry at YOU, but I'm angry at this mess." or whatever.

At any rate, my older 3 have all been fine with me needing a minute to calm down. I'm pretty quick to forgive anyway, so it usually goes pretty fast. :)

[cindergretta]

This is a little too close to home for me and I am biased. Maybe I shouldn't have replied--- :think .

My mother wouldn't forgive until --- LATER. Then you were supposed to apologise AGAIN and then she would "grant" forgiveness with a lecture about how you failed, let her down, and need to be a better person. So apologies are very hard for me. Given my mother's ickiness about it, I probably don't have a good grasp of how it should go. Just how it has to go in my house so people aren't hurt even further by a mistake..... (IOW, there is a strong punitive overtone to how I view unforgiven apologies.)

[ArmsOfLove]

but "I forgive you" doesn't mean "I'm not upset anymore." "I forgive you" means "I choose to not hold this against you." I would honestly tell them, "I'm really upset, but I do forgive you. And I will calm down, just give me some space."

[cindergretta]

but "I forgive you" doesn't mean "I'm not upset anymore." "I forgive you" means "I choose to not hold this against you." I would honestly tell them, "I'm really upset, but I do forgive you. And I will calm down, just give me some space."


Now that makes perfect sense to me! :yes

[loveberry]

For us, "Thank you for your honesty. That was very responsible behavior. I forgive you." Follow up with a hug and a solution.

The appreciation of honesty is because Alex struggled with not telling me things that became much bigger problems when left (Spilled orange juice INSIDE the freezer? Seriously, it's much easier to clean BEFORE it freezes!). Obviously if they didn't volunteer the info just leave that part off.

[Rabbit]

I can say "I forgive you" and it be the honest truth. Samantha is particularly easy to forgive. I don't -like- saying it because I don't -sound- sincere to myself. I'm still grumbly about the mess, or nursing my wounds in some other way, so it sounds all wrong to say "I forgive you" in that moment. My other issue with "I forgive you" is that it sounds like I'm the Pope at Confession. It sounds pretentious. I know that it isn't pretentious, but if you've ever had anybody grant their forgiveness to you in that particular way, you know what I mean. It can get icky.

"Thank you for apologizing" is something I can say right when I most need to say something to acknowledge that I have heard and accept the apology. I think it conveys everything I have needed and wanted to say, but couldn't figure out. I communicate the forgiveness and restored good feelings after we're done cleaning up, by hugging and loving, and thanking her for making amends. I can see how it would be important to communicate forgiveness untied to having made amends, but that may be something I have to mull further.

Apologies were never said in my family, by the way. They were either extracted unwilling with threats of violence, or shouted with a sort of, "Fine then, I'm oOOH so sorry that you're such a crummy person" tone to them. Graciously giving and receiving apologies is something I love seeing in Samantha. It's almost addictive now.

[cindergretta]

You know, I think it is disgusting that apologies can be made so icky! My mother *never* apologises. If she does, it is a totally fake "I'm so horribly sorry! I didn't realize I am such a terrible person!" And then we are warped b/c of this. :( :sigh

[Rabbit]

You know, I think it is disgusting that apologies can be made so icky! My mother *never* apologises. If she does, it is a totally fake "I'm so horribly sorry! I didn't realize I am such a terrible person!" And then we are warped b/c of this. :( :sigh


You completely understand how something so simple as, "I'm sorry," can throw me for such a loop. Just saying sorry yourself was an ordeal in my family, because then it had to be crowed about. If I said sorry, there was sure to be looong mockings about how the girl who could never be wrong had been forced to say "I'm sorry."

[Marsha]

I did, and still do, say "thanks for saying sorry".

That acknowledges the intent , calms me down LOL, and puts me back into viewing them with some sort of grace and love.

I don't think at three, I was explaining the difference between saying sorry and feeling sorry. You have NO idea how many times I apologized for the same thing in the same day. So I tried to extend the same grace to my child.

[jewelmcjem]

How do you deal with the insincere apology? I don't know if insincere, but something I've asked over and over, it keeps happening, I correct and she says "I'm sorry!". Sometimes sincerely, but sometimes flippant, sometimes even snippy. For instance, she drops her coat (or anything else she has) in the middle of the floor. "You need to hang your coat up, T, before you get your snack." After she's into her snack or homework, I still see the coat on the floor. "T, I asked you to hang your coat up, you need to do it right now!" -- probably too harsh, b/c this is habitual behavior and I'm irked now. "Sorry, mom", and goes and hangs it up. My initial reaction is "I don't want sorry, I want you to hang your coat up!" I know that's not best, but that's my big feeling at the moment. I do better sometimes than others at not venting it at her. Of course if I say that to her, she'll get all dramatic "I'm sorry, Mom, what else do you want?!"

[cmecu2]

"Thank you for apologizing. I'm still upset; I need a few minutes to calm down. Let's clean up now."

There's nothing wrong with needing some time to forgive someone - even when they're little. Just be kind and honest about what you're feeling. :)


Yes that sounds good. I might add "Let's try to be more careful next time"

[Praise]

Yes that sounds good. I might add "Let's try to be more careful next time"


I've had similar things like this said to me and it always irked me because (1) the "let's" made it sound like the other person was involved--and even as a kid I knew that *I* was the person who made the mess, not them--so it felt fake. And (2) it reminded me of the mistake I just said I was sorry for and it felt like they were rubbing my nose in it in an underhanded way.

But, now that I think of it, the tone of voice would make all the difference... I guess I never heard it said in a helpful/camaraderie tone. :think ETA: It could be said as a "I trust you" sort of way, perhaps.

[canadiyank]

:think I do see the "Let's try ...next time" as piggybacking. Some could be tempered by the tone of voice, but I would avoid the piggybacking and focus on the acceptance/solution.

[KitKat]

All "I'm sorry's" are followed by "I forgive you." When the kids apologize to each other they say, "I'm sorry, can you forgive me?" I didn't teach them that, just that I always said, "I forgive you" when they were apologizing and they hate not knowing if someone has forgiven them.

[cindergretta]

For me *personally* the piggy-backing runs too close to the lectures I got when apologising as a child. Without that baggage, I might or might not choose to use those words. But with it, :no2 . I prefer the apology and the "fixing it" to be the end of it. Just for my own comfort level....

[Maggie]

N, I also sometimes feel funny saying "I forgive you" because it wasn't said in my home growing up. They said, "It's OK" and I often say that now, but I prefer "I forgive you" and I ask my DD if she forgives me when I yell. So, I think that's why it feels pretentious, because it just wasn't the thing to say in our families.

I like what PPs have said and don't have any alternatives to add. :)

[joyful mama]

but "I forgive you" doesn't mean "I'm not upset anymore." "I forgive you" means "I choose to not hold this against you." I would honestly tell them, "I'm really upset, but I do forgive you. And I will calm down, just give me some space."
:yes I often say "I'm upset, but I forgive you." or some variation.

[jewelmcjem]

This may have been an Ezzo thing, so take it for what it's worth, but we taught our kids that if it was a deliberate act-- hitting, taking something away, rude or mocking words -- then they need to say "Please forgive me", it is more sincere and implies responsibility for the act. "I forgive you" would be the response -- but if the victim is still smarting from the incident, we allow "I don't feel like forgiving you right now". Then when everyone's calm, the offender can ask for forgiveness again.

If it was an accident -- bumping into someone when passing them, an accidental poke, unintentional hurt feelings -- then they say "I'm sorry", and "That's OK" is a proper response since it wasn't deliberate.. I don't know if that is a realistic thing to ask them to understand, but they kind of do it. I haven't really reiterated it lately, so haven't really seen those results around here.

[Rabbit]

I don't want my kids to ever ever feel like they -have- to get somebody else's forgiveness. Forgiving people is something you really do for yourself, for your own good. If somebody doesn't want to forgive you, that bitter problem is really their own. Making amends I take very very seriously, but I am not responsible for someone else's ability to forgive.

[jewelmcjem]

I don't want my kids to ever ever feel like they -have- to get somebody else's forgiveness.

I have to think about this -- I don't think I ever make them feel like they have to get the forgiveness, just that they need to ask forgiveness if they are truly sorry they did whatever it was. Something to think about, though!

[canadiyank]

Forgiving people is something you really do for yourself, for your own good.


So are you differentiating between forgiveness and an apology, is that what you mean?

[ArmsOfLove]

I don't differentiate between accidents and intentional because both are messes that need to be cleaned up :shrug It minimizes the insistance that everything is an acceident because the child doesn't want to take on that extra responsibility. I'm big on responsibility :)

[cindergretta]

:giggle I was afraid to admit that. We don't differentiate between accident or "on purpose," either. Tends to cloud the issue over what happened and how to remedy it.

[ArmsOfLove]

:)

and, let's be honest, when we're the one who was hurt or offended, it doesn't really matter if it was on purpose or an accident, does it?

I try to assume everything was unintentionally hurtful--meaning, even if they do it on purpose, they didn't mean to hurt anyone :heart It's part of assigning a positive intent :yes

[cindergretta]

I like that way of looking at it! :yes

[loveberry]

What age group are we talking about here? For a 3yo, I wouldn't differentiate. For Alex? HUGE difference between his elbow tipping a glass and him knocking it over intentionally in a snit.

The response to an accident is cleaning up and moving on. The response to an intentional act is cleaning it up and addressing the temper issues, possibly with added restriction - if I can't trust you with an open cup in the living room, you will be restricted to drinking in the kitchen where no carpet will be ruined.

Or am I missing something? Entirely possible after this day... :giggle

[Rabbit]

Forgiving people is something you really do for yourself, for your own good.


So are you differentiating between forgiveness and an apology, is that what you mean?


Well, an apology is something you give to someone you've hurt. Forgiveness is something you give to someone who has hurt you.

I can only be responsible for what I do, and will not be held hostage by somebody else's refusal to forgive. I'm all for reasonably making amends, but I am not seeking forgiveness when I do so. I am apologizing and making it as right as I can. God will forgive me for my sins. If you can't forgive, that's not my problem. It's going to hurt the person who can't forgive far more than it will ever affect me.

Giving forgiveness is what heals your own heart, and it's to be given whether the person who hurt you is repentant or not. I have to forgive my mother, for instance, whether she ever admits she lied to my dad about me. I can't hold on to that grudge until her apology is appropriately meaningful and touching, even when I still hurt, and even when I still have to maintain safe boundaries. I still have to forgive.

I don't want my daughter to think she can wait to forgive until the apology moves her to feel like it, or the amends made were finally enough. Forgiving someone is a private heart struggle, and between the person needing to give forgiveness and God.

[AdrienneQW]

We also don't differentiate between accidentally and intentionally, but I can see myself revisiting that depending on the offense. Like Jess says, maybe age plays a part in it. :think If 2yo Celeste hits her brother it's one thing - if Dexter, at 5½, intentionally hauled off and punched his baby sister it would be something else entirely. I can definitely see treating that differently than I would if he hit her with the same force but entirely on accident (which I can totally see happening, given how much he loves to break into spontaneous karate moves!) I don't know exactly what I'd do differently, though... :think

[jewelmcjem]

I don't want my daughter to think she can wait to forgive until the apology moves her to feel like it, or the amends made were finally enough. Forgiving someone is a private heart struggle, and between the person needing to give forgiveness and God.

Oh, I totally agree! I guess what I meant was that the apologiz*er* needs to acknowledge that it is a heart thing for the forgiv*er* and that it might not happen right away. I did not mean that the apologizer needs to keep going back and begging for forgiveness.

[SouthPaw]

well, for little stuff i just say "thank you honey!" and give hugs. i consider that "Accepting" an apology. sometimes if the "sorry" is said just to be polite (like dd might accidentally run into me and say "sowwy mommy!") i don't see "forgiveness" as necessary/an issue anyway... she didn't do anything that needed to be "forgiven", she just acknowledged that she had done something that could have hurt someone, and i acknowledge her politeness with "thank you (for apologizing)".

probably as they get older we will start dealing with forgiveness & using that word more frequently. i want it to *mean* something and for her to understand it, not just be that polite phrase you spout off (like "sorry" :shifty ) so i want to introduce it when can start to comprehend that it means i won't resent or be angry with her and that she doesn't "owe" me (penance or guilt from emotional blackmail) for what she did.

[J3K]

We're big on not saying "sorry" for little things and saving it for the big things. Accidentally dropping a glass while unloading the dishwasher doesn't need a "sorry".

Purposely dropping the glass because you are in a snit and don't want to unload the dishwasher..that needs a "sorry".
My response ranges from "I forgive you , you need to clean it up." to "I'm going to forgive you , the ball is in my court , thanks for apologizing."

We're also really big on saying it just once. A genuine "I'm sorry" doesn't need to be said repeatedly until the other person is ready to forgive. I once heard "Mom , she needs to apologize again because I'm ready to forgive." :giggle The phrase we use is "The ball is in your court." or "my court". meaning , you've done your part and owned up to it.

Once we had a situation where the child deliberately hurt me and I said "That offense needs an apology." Her response "I'm not ready to say I'm sorry. I"m glad I did it." I responded "I will forgive you now. The ball is in your court to say sorry." Later on that night she approached and said "I'm sorry , I was mad and that's why I did it." I replied "Thanks for the apology."

It's very important to me to "move on". My parents would hold my mistake over my head for days , weeks even. If a child breaks a dish and apologizes , we forgive the child...the situation is now done and over. No need to bring it up later on in the day when he won't clean his room...kwim ?

[ShowersofBlessings]

Thanks. I needed this thread.