how to deal with child being upset in nursery

[Justicesmom]

My 18 mo is on and off, usually off with going to his toddler class at church. When I drop him off I hug him and tell him mommy will be back. I stand outside the door until they tell me to come get him.Not where he can see me of course. I will then go back in and stay with him for the rest of his class. Amazingly he has actually stayed twice now and I have no idea what was different on those days. Anyway, I also teach his class on the second sunday. He does have a differnt care taker each week so that might have a lot to do with it. I feel that I am doing the right thing, but my step father has my husband convinced that I am wrong and I should just let him cry. I feel that would be cruel and do more damage. My husband is usually on board with decisions I make with the boys until someone comes in and says I'm wrong. Again, I feel I'm right, but am I missing something? Also, how do I explain to my husband that We are making the best choice?

Shelby :nak2

[cindergretta]

Personally, I don't believe in leaving babies/toddlers to cry in a nursery when it isn't absolutely *essential.* As in, the mother has to go to work. I don't feel like attending service is so important that my child needs to be traumatized by being left crying. (I am a SAHM, so my dc are never separated from me. They are not used to it.)

Follow your instincts. This is your baby, not your step-fil's.

:hug2

[Quietspirit]

We don't utilize nurseries.

This is your baby, not your father-in-law's. I'd just be comfortable with what you're doing, expect the same from your husband, and bean-dip your father in law.

[Marsha]

I think what you are doing is perfect. I think it's appropriate to work toward using a nursery. Nothing ruins my worship more than a screaming two year old if it's mine you know? But it takes time, and patience.

My dd2 is almost 27 months and just recently can I pretty much count on her staying the whole time happily in her class. Before that, it was just a bonus, you know?

The benefit of having a second child is you know how quickly the time goes and how it truly is a normal phase and you can get back to peaceful worship services once again.

I know others here prefer to have their children with them, but personally I find that one hour a week with just hubby and I in service does wonders for me and my attitude.

[Justicesmom]

I wish I could keep him with me, but he is very disruptive and I have kept him in service with me until I just coludn't do it anymore. Our service is 2 hours so that is a long time for an 18 mo to sit in service.
One of my step fathers arguments was, " well there are many moms that have to go to work and leave their crying babies in daycare" I told him I understood that, but I didn't have to work so what was the point of leaving him to cry. It's not like I can't get the sermon on-line. Sadly though I rarely listen to it, but this is just a season. I know all to soon my kids will be grown and I will have that time.
My husband drives me crazy because he agrees with me on things most of the time after I have really made my case, and then someone comes along and says what he had been saying before he believed me. Then of course, he thinks maybe he was right the first time. It makes it very hard for me. I remember being a kid and my parents pushing me off on people I didn't know and it was really hard for me. There wasn't anything good about it. People make the point that kids will just get used to it, but it made me not want to be involved. I don't want that for my son. I want him to be comfortable and learn about Jesus. Thank you for all your comments.

Shelby

[Quietspirit]

((Shelby))

I think that if you choose to use the nursery, then you are doing it the right way. You are leaving strict instructions to be called if he's crying, you are staying with him when he is upset, etc. :heart

[cmecu2]

I don't know because with my 2nd dd I was never able to attend the church service because they would always come get me to get her. I ended up just staying at home since I was always in the nursery. Yes she did cry a little but honestly I think if they would have just left her alone for a bit she would have stopped. She just needed time to adjust but they never gave her that chance. That was frustrating for me.

[racheepoo]

I stayed with ds in the nursery, or he stayed in church with me. When he got disruptive (after coloring, etc) during the service, I would go to the nursery with him. Maybe not the best way to enjoy worship...but it worked because he got hysterical if I so much as looked toward the door to leave.

Now he's 3 and a half and goes in without a backward glance. I have asked him if he wants to go with me to "big church" and he's not at all interested!

It took time, but I'm glad I stuck it out. It just wouldn't have felt right to me to make him cry for that. 18 mos is a big separation anxiety time, too so I'm not sure I agree it's something he "needs" to do right now.

[Justicesmom]

I didn't realize 18 mos was a seperation anxiety time too. I always thought it was 9 mos to a year. I'm honestly not real worried about him staying in there. I know he'll get it. I do so appreciate all your comments. It helps to know I'm not alone. :heart

Shelby

[SamsMama]

My two and a half year old ds started staying in the nursery without dh or I just recently. Sometimes he still won't and then one of us has to stay. Other times he says, "Go mom!" He wanted nothing to do with it when he was younger and that was hard on us, but we personally did not want him crying in there for an extended period of time so would rotate. Now he stays with us until the sermon part of the service and then when we drop him off we tell him he can play for a little bit and we'll be back soon. We ask the nursery provider (ours is always a different volunteer each week) to please come and get one of us if he cries for more than 10 minutes and we're sure to let them know where we're sitting so they can find us. As he's gotten more and more used to it with one of us in there it's gotten easier and when we did start leaving him we did so in increments of time and didn't just expect him to stay for the full time right off the bat.

[Wonder Woman]

to the OP: :hugheart and your stepfather is wrong...but you knew that :giggle I'd prefer family worship, and that's what we insisted on until we found a safe place for our son to be. Now at almost 4 he *loves* Sunday School.

Church should never, ever be a place where a child learns what abandonment feels like :heart

Lisa, I have to say I read your post, wanted to respond, didn't want to come across too harshly...then realized that you are new here. So I looked up your posting history since you joined, and I have to say I'm baffled. You do realize that you are on an ATTACHMENT parenting board, right? :think I know not everyone on here totally agrees with everything this board stands for, but we all have one thing in common - we all signed a statement agreeing not to post things contrary to the SoF. Crying it out, letting a kid cry until they get adjusted, is the very antithesis of what we are about here.

Please, try to post in accordance with the SoF. There's lots of places out there you can go to get validation for letting a kid cry it out. Here isn't one of them. If you don't understand and think it's nuts, that's your right. However, posting to suggest people let their children CIO isn't ok, and I don't appreciate being confronted with it here.

[Embracing Grace]

Shelby, I want to give you a hug because I know how hard it is to be pressured into doing something you just don't believe is right for your child! :hugheart :hugheart Especially when your dh is involved in the pressuring, that just stinks!

We started using the nursery when ds was around 15 months old. He was a little uncomfortable with going in at first, and I would stand by the door and listen to make sure he was able to calm down and start enjoying himself. He became happy after about 30 seconds to a minute, and would have a blast the rest of the time. This continued for about 3 weeks, and after 3 weeks of that he was totally comfortable being handed over to the nursery worker. I do think it's very important that they have the same people there every week, it's so had for a child to have to get used to a new person every time! Ds recently went through a separation anxiety stage, and refused to go to the nursery for two weeks in a row. I just kept him with me and we wandered around the church waiting for the service to end. It was REALLY hard for me, because I had no idea why he was so anxious. I'm very happy that I followed his lead (and my instincts), because he went right back to being his social, happy self, willing to go into the nursery with no problems. I think that you really need to listen to your child's cues and not force him into something he's not ready for. I believe coercing a child into a scary situation for him will extend his separation anxiety, and will just make him more clingy in the long run. :heart Sorry so long!!! :phew

ETA: Does your church have an empty room that they can set up as a "restless child room", or whatever you want to call it? We have a room like that and they feed the audio through, it's so helpful! If your church doesn't have one, maybe you can ask around and something could be arranged. That's how dh and I survived the services prior to our use of the nursery!

[ArmsOfLove]

I didn't realize 18 mos was a seperation anxiety time too. I always thought it was 9 mos to a year. I'm honestly not real worried about him staying in there. I know he'll get it. I do so appreciate all your comments. It helps to know I'm not alone. :heart

Shelby
18 months is a HUGE time for a child because they finally understand that they are a separate being from mom. It can be very scary and takes a lot of patience to get them through :heart Of course this realization leads into the 2yo's "ME DO" stage because they realize if they are separate it means they have their own will and ideas ;)

[Ellen]

To the OP: just wanted to say that we're doing the same thing with DD right now. DH and I take turns going to SS with her. DH doesn't always like that we do that--he gets tired of missing the service and wonders why we can't just leave her when other ppl do that all the time--but it does help to remember that it's just a season.

For people like your stepfather who don't understand, what about pointing out that even if you were willing to leave him crying, the Sunday School teachers probably wouldn't appreciate it much! It's probably a big help to have you in there . . . and if you're happy to do it, what's the problem?

[righteous mama]

Ask your dh if he wants to create positive images of church for his children or negative. Does he want them to see church as a place of emotional and physical abadonment or a place of comfort and joy. It is important during these young years to show your children that church is a place of refuge and your role in that is the role of the ever present parent (like our heavenly Father is to us). If that means you stay for half the time until she is comfy, then so be it. If it means you deal with having a toddler in service, then so be it. If that means you stay in her classroom the entire time for a few weeks...then so be that. I think so many think that you have a baby and two weeks later you pop them in their bucket and park them in the church nursery. My babies stayed with me until I felt they could handle children's church. My oldest loves CC and my youngest struggles. She struggles with the good-bye, so I work very hard to make that good-bye very respectful.

My normal routine is to walk in with my youngest and stand around until she can say good-bye to me. If she gets distracted, I will call to her and say, "B, Mommy is going to go be with Daddy for church...I'll be back soon!" And she waves bye and I leave. No abandoning, no tears. If she cries, I stay. If she cries when I leave, I have given strict orders to call me back. It is my job as a mama to be sure she is OK.

[BriansLovie]

You are not alone. My 18 month old son has only been able to stay in the nursery by himself 2 times in his life. I didnt even try putting him in there by himself till he was a year old. He always cries and they would come get me within 10 minutes. So I dont even bother leaving him anymore. If I look at the door, he cries and clings. So I always stay in there with him. We tried staying in the service on Sunday but it didnt work. He was too noisy! I think alot of the mothers at my church think I'm strange for staying with my child. But I don't want him to cry. And I do think it's really cruel to expect him to stay with strangers (different workers every service), because I am a sahm and he is with me 24/7 (we dont even have any family around here, so he is never away from us). Anyways, just wanted to let you know that you ARENT alone and to feel better about your choice. I know I have a hard time with not caring what other mothers think. But he is my child and I need to do what I feel is best for him. And leaving him in the nursery crying for me is not that answer! :(

[ArmsOfLove]

I do want to encourage all of you. One thing I think is very important and if your church's don't do it then you may want to suggest it to them is to have consistency of teacher in there :yes It took about 3 months of dh staying in the nursery with the twins and then they were okay for him to pop out and go back for another month and since then as long as Velores is there they not only love being there but they jump out of bed cheering on Shabbat and run to the nursery ahead of us :heart

[katiekind]

I have loved working in the nursery and am always thankful for the parents who are willing to stay and help their child become comfortable in the nursery. It's an investment that I have seen pay off time and time again. The parents at the time will voice, "will she EVER be able to play back here without me?" but the question answers itself in a few weeks or months--depending on the child. And those children who are allowed to warm up gradually really enjoy their time in the nursery.

Church should never, ever be a place where a child learns what abandonment feels like

That was the policy at the church where I worked in the nursery. :heart We asked nursery teachers to make a three month commitment to the children in there because at that age, familiarity is the name of the game. :yes

[zak]

Ask your dh if he wants to create positive images of church for his children or negative. Does he want them to see church as a place of emotional and physical abadonment or a place of comfort and joy. It is important during these young years to show your children that church is a place of refuge and your role in that is the role of the ever present parent (like our heavenly Father is to us). If that means you stay for half the time until she is comfy, then so be it. If it means you deal with having a toddler in service, then so be it. If that means you stay in her classroom the entire time for a few weeks...then so be that.

:nak

Great post, ITA! We have never used a nursery, so my POV is bias, but even if we chose to use one, we would never allow crying. :( Follow your instincts, Mama!

[Justicesmom]

Ask your dh if he wants to create positive images of church for his children or negative. Does he want them to see church as a place of emotional and physical abadonment or a place of comfort and joy. It is important during these young years to show your children that church is a place of refuge and your role in that is the role of the ever present parent (like our heavenly Father is to us). If that means you stay for half the time until she is comfy, then so be it. If it means you deal with having a toddler in service, then so be it. If that means you stay in her classroom the entire time for a few weeks...then so be that. I think so many think that you have a baby and two weeks later you pop them in their bucket and park them in the church nursery. My babies stayed with me until I felt they could handle children's church. My oldest loves CC and my youngest struggles. She struggles with the good-bye, so I work very hard to make that good-bye very respectful.

My normal routine is to walk in with my youngest and stand around until she can say good-bye to me. If she gets distracted, I will call to her and say, "B, Mommy is going to go be with Daddy for church...I'll be back soon!" And she waves bye and I leave. No abandoning, no tears. If she cries, I stay. If she cries when I leave, I have given strict orders to call me back. It is my job as a mama to be sure she is OK.

Many great points. I hadn't thought of him associating church as a bad thing, but you know your right. I def. don't want that to happen. I respect my husband very much, but there is no way I am going to leave my baby to cry. Also, like someone above said the workers would'nt appreciate it. I also tell them if he is crying after a certain point to call me. I do stay outside the door, but it is soooooo loud sometimes I just can't tell if he's still crying.
I wish we had a place were the sermon was able to be heard for older ones. The church I attend only has that in the nursery and even there you can't hear it well. I am becoming annoying at this point because I am also pushing for a better nursing moms area. The one we have now is also in the nursery and you just can't hear the sermon. The associate pastor's wife is getting ready to have a baby so I am hopeing they will listen to her better than me. I am on the childrens ministry leadership team and bring it up all the time. I love the church I go to, but they really need to work on doing a better job with nursing moms and moms that want to keep their kids with them. My voice is only one though and until other moms stand up and say the same thing I don't think it will change.

[Soliloquy]

Church should never, ever be a place where a child learns what abandonment feels like

:amen

We ALWAYS stay w/ our children until they are comfortable staying on their own. We got some suggestions from a few people that they would "never learn to be independent" but we knew that was completely false. Independence develops slowly out of a foundation of trust and security. And it happens at a different age for every individual. Some babies are really fine being left w/ a caring person at a few months of age--they don't cry and don't seem to be under stress at all. My eldest was 3 before she was ready--but now she will very confidently run into her Sunday School class or ballet class or whatever--no tears, all smiles.

When a child is left to cry in a nursery and then finally accepts that the crying isn't doing any good, that is not independence. That's surrender. I liken it to a wife who finally stops trying to romance her unresponsive husband (or vice versa). She finally surrenders to a love-less marriage. She's not independent, she's broken.

Can you hear the service from the nursery? Can your church set up a family worship room? Can they put a speaker in the lobby where your little one can be little and you can still hear?

[cindergretta]

Church should never, ever be a place where a child learns what abandonment feels like

I :heart this!! :amen

FWIW, we hire a college student and a HS student and they are there every week. No differing folks. That would be very hard on the wee ones! And parents are always welcome and encouraged to stay until both parties are comfortable! :wink

[Justicesmom]

Can you hear the service from the nursery? Can your church set up a family worship room? Can they put a speaker in the lobby where your little one can be little and you can still hear?
[/quote]



You can hear the service in the nursery, but he is actually in the toddler class and they don't like moms of older kids to be in the nursery. What is so hard about all of it is our church meets in a building that used to be a facotry that has now been turned into a huge store. There are many different buildings and we are in one of those many buildings. The area where the kids are is another building. That in and of itself was hard for me to get used to. In any case all of that makes it very hard to find an area for nursing moms or a cry room. They don't like moms to nurse in service so you are supposed to go to the nursery to nurse, but I think there has to be a better way. It is just so distracting for nursing babies. I love the church we go to, but most of the people there don't raise there kids like I do so I think they think it's just not necessary.

[Justicesmom]

How do I do the quotes? I have been just hitting quote, but then it brings in everything the person says and sometimes what I reply back to also. :shrug

[ArmsOfLove]

well, then you have to decide if it's irrelevant to you. Frankly, I have never concerned myself with what is *expected* because I assume those rules were written for mothers not parenting how I am. When I chose to parent outside the mainstream I accepted that I'd be bucking some rules/customs. They can't forbid you from nursing in the service. Sit in the back and do it discreetly :shrug But if it's becoming a problem then I would let someone know that they are pushing you out.

They also can't keep anyone from staying with their child. They can discourage it, but not forbid it.

[Justicesmom]

I have to tell you I am at that point where I think with our next baby I am going to nurse in service. I may have to sit away from my husband to do so. That is because he is uncomfortable with me nursing in service. Anyway, I feel that if they want us to have a certain place to nurse then really it should be a comfortable place. It is not easy parenting this way because so many people don't get it, but I'm glad I'm doing what I am. I just went to the gynacologist (sp) today and her nurse gave me that look, (you all know what I'm talking about) and she said, " how long are you planning to nurse for anyway". I just don't get why it's such a taboo thing. :shrug

[Soliloquy]

I just went to the gynacologist (sp) today and her nurse gave me that look, (you all know what I'm talking about) and she said, " how long are you planning to nurse for anyway". I just don't get why it's such a taboo thing. :shrug


"I am hoping to at least meet the World Health Organization's recommendation of 2 years. How often do you ask inappropriate questions of strangers?" :wink

[Justicesmom]

"I am hoping to at least meet the World Health Organization's recommendation of 2 years. How often do you ask inappropriate questions of strangers?" :wink
[/quote]

:amen