"But Mommy!" and always negotiating

[klpmommy]

Anytime we tell/ask E to do something the first thing she says is "But Mommy...." or "But Daddy...." with a "reason" that can't be done as we want. Often a meltdown also ensues. She is also constantly negotiating for "more". I read the scenario & it doesn't sound bad at all, but she is so *intense* with it.

for example: me "It is time to go to the car to take Daddy dinner, pick two toys to take with you. I am going to change S's diaper & when that is done we will leave". (I have found that I need to give them specific time frame like that or both lose it).

E "But Mommy, we are playing" (long drawn out whiney voice)

me: "I understand that you are playing, but we need to take Daddy his dinner. Pick two toys. If you havne't picked them by the time I am done with S's diaper you won't take anything. Pick two toys."

E "Three toys"

sometimes I will agree to her negotiation, other times I stick to my number. When she argues about my number I usually say something like "two toys or zero, your choice" & she picks the two. (smart girl)

if she is tired/hungry she will totally meltdown and stomp her foot when we enforce the next activity (ie, getting in the car). She usually doesn't meltdown with negotiations whether she gets her way or not. ITU the meltdowns then & I try to avoid them, but right now it is not happening-- esp the tired.

so, totally normal, right? It irritates me, but I am hoping she will outgrown it- right? Sometimes I do give her extra time or let her have more toys, but it seems like she is doing better with the stricter boundaries right now. She sounds like a little teenager. :nails

[AdrienneQW]

Totally normal. The "But..." thing drove me CRAZY - I'll completely own it, it's *my* hang-up, but no way was I okay with my 4yo son responding to my directions with "But..." We scripted with "Yes Mommy. May I... (finish this game, whatever)". If it didn't start with Yes Mommy or Yes Ma'am, the answer was an automatic no. He got it pretty quickly, then later went through a phase where the Yes Mommy was just a rushed precursor to the argument-phrased-as-a-sort-of-question... as in "Dexter, get dressed" being answered with "YesmommyIdon'twanttogetdressednowI'mgoingtoplaymor eandgetdressedlaterokayMommy?" He's no fool. ;) Again, automatic no, and he picked it up pretty quickly.

As for negotiation...ahhhh, that will serve her so well later in life. :yes It's what I keep telling myself about my own little negotiator. I do the exact same thing you do - if a request is politely made, I will consider it ("Pick two toys" - "May I bring three?" I'm likely to say yes). If it's rudely made, or stated rather than asked, it's an automatic no. And to this day I still need the "Two or zero, your choice" (exact same wording!). Sounds like you're on top of things! :tu

[klpmommy]

Good to see you Adrienne. :)

She is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo different from P. That is what throws me for a loop half (75%?) of the time. P didn't start doing this until he picked it up from E & he is the older one.

Ah, this too shall pass. I hope soon!!! :shifty

[joystrength]

My kids got a GIANT giggle out of me telling them "MY name is not "But MOM!!"
:shifty :shifty

more later!

[BlessedBlue]

I saw the subject line and thought - She must have a 4 yo! :lol I'm so there with you! DD does this all the time and it drives us insane!

[mamaKristin]

my just turned 3 year old does this too. It is frustrating. I think (hope, hope, hope!) it's a phase. :shifty

[Elena]

I'm with ya too.

We recently decided, like Adrienne, that the only two acceptable answers when the kids are asked to do something are "yes, mama(papa)" or "mama(papa), please listen...followed by a respectfully stated request, like, may I finish this computer game first". But then we started running into the problem that there is ALWAYS a request, and they try to engage us in negotiations if our answer to a request is no. It's tough sometimes, I try to make sure I'm being reasonable but if you give an inch they take a foot, ya know?

[Katherine]

Mine is older, but he's doing the same.. He's always had a tendency to negotiate, and right now he's going through a *super* intense phase of ignoring/delaying/arguing/negotiating, etc. ARRGHH. His favorite tactic right now is to explain *why* things need to happen differently than how I've instructed. This can drag on forever or "reset" the whole scenario so we are starting from square one again, and it takes up time and is immensely frustrating. Sometimes I give him a VERY brief audience, but there are times when I simply shut it down and say "You need to follow instructions first, and then we can talk about it." The way I decided has a lot to do with his attitude/approach. I can tell when he's genuinely urgent/intense, and he's usually quite respectful when there's a valid appeal to be made. When he starts out yelling, lashes out, or makes demands with an angry attitude, his right to appeal is instantly over.

He did the "Please, Mommy.. Please, please... " thing for a while. I told him that please is a way to show respect while asking, not to change a person's answer.

He also asks a lot of WHY? WHYYYYYYYYY!? I (finally) stopped trying to explain my reasoning to him and started saying "Do you want information or are you trying to change my mind?" He would often answer that honestly... ;) though with lots of big feelings, and stomp off in a huff. Occasionally, he really *does* want to understand more. Sometimes he looks at me blankly, and I elaborate.. "Do you want to understand the reason for Mommy's decision, or are you just letting me know that you're upset about it?"

[Marsha]

Oh I HATE the negotiating And most of the time it's negotiating just because.

As in your example, mine wouldn't really care if it was two toys or three, she would just want to NOT OBEY but do something SHE wanted, which is what makes me frustrated and angry!

I get my back up and stick to my original thing, even when I don't care either LOL, so I'm not any better. Sometimes I roll my eyes and say "fine". Reading this, I realize I'm not a great example either.

So, maybe someone will come on with some very wise and firm ways to handle this.

[doubleblessings]

Paula, your detailed posts with scripts are very helpful. Thank you!
DD says often Please, oh Please can I...Please, oh please.

Elena, I like the "mommy, please listen"

[klpmommy]

I can't do the "yes ma'am" (baggage, you know) but I like the "Mommy please listen" much better than the "But Mommy" that I am hearing all.the.time. I will definately work on that script with her! Thank you! And as always it feels better to know that this is normal.

E was having a ton of meltdowns, but with me holding ground more it seems to be lessening to some degree. I am thinking that she needed the more firm boundaries to make sure that I was still in charge?

[J3K]

I used to say "that is sassing. Do not sass. Try voicing that using a complete sentence. Repeat after me "I would like to bring three toys please."


Then I'd make a point of allowing them that request. "Thank you for saying that in a sentence. Yes you may ."

I found it best to handle those things when I wasn't busy / headed out the door. If I was busy headed out the door I'd say "I don't appreciate your sassiness. Do as I say please." And then repeat my self leaving off the please.

After awhile I had children that would ask politely "We're in the middle of a game , can we bring it with us ?".

The next step in the process for me was the melting episode when I said "no." ugh.