Do We Have any Foster Parents Here??? Adoptive parents are invited Too!!!

[made4more]

My DH and I think this may be the next step in our lives/marriage, so I was hoping to talk to Foster Parents, adoptive parents, or even just others who are considering it.

[knitlove]

Fostering is some thing we are talking abut doing? So I have no wisdom but want to :popcorn and see what other people say.

[mandieolivia]

my dh and i are foster parents. we won't have our boys for a five more months, but we are waiting and excited.

[mellymommy]

We are new foster parents--only been licensed since May of this year. We haven't had a full-time placement yet, but have done LOTS of respite for various ages. We hope to adopt through foster care. I have to say that MOST of our experiences so far have been wonderful for us and for our kids. My kids have such HUGE hearts and really get a lot of joy out of sharing their lives with kids who have no mommy or daddy at the moment. We have our first placement coming on the 29th or 30th of this month and my kids are thrilled to death!!

[mommyTay]

We have been foster parents for over 5 years. We currently have 10 children in our home, 7 are fosters.

[BKMommy]

I would love to do this too! Dh isn't really on board with the idea, I guess its the whole idea of bringing a child in that isn't ours and comes with our own set of problems thing but I would love to do it and I can't wait until the day I convince him that its a great idea so I 'm :popcorn too!

[Littledisciples]

I am a foster parent and a adoptive parent. We adopted our little girl through the foster care system. We hope to adopt a boy one day too. Right now I have 3 foster children. :heart It is so worth it.

[musicmama]

:shifty :shifty

I would say it's definitely worth it if you either have a great case worker, or aren't told a bunch of lies in your training

:shifty

I'm probably going to be the only voice of dissent, so I think I'll just back away slowly.... :shifty

[mommyTay]

I would say it's definitely worth it if you either have a great case worker, or aren't told a bunch of lies in your training

I'm probably going to be the only voice of dissent, so I think I'll just back away slowly.... :shifty


I agree, :yes2 We had an excellent trainer! :clap She was a former foster/adopted child, foster parent and now an experienced caseworker. She KNOWS the system from ALL angles! She didn't hesitate to tell us the **worst case scenarios** including the sad story of a little boy who became very violent and had to be supervised LITERALLY 24 hours per day, he eventually had to go to an institution. The damage that some parents do to their children is terrifying!

Having a difficult caseworker or incorrect or insufficient information can really make-0r-break your experience. We have been very fortunate with the workers so far, so good. HOWEVER, a close friend has been a foster parent for 21 years and is ready to quit now because of the new case worker in our county. :mad :banghead

[Urban Momma]

My DH and I have been waiting to adopt through the foster system. We are approaching our official presentation of two little girls 3 & 11. We will meet them for the first time next week. The process is long and sometime it seems like it will take forever, but just keeping a good attitude and tons of patience has brought us to our dream of having two daughters. We are so grateful for the foster families that care and nurture these little ones and keep them safe while they are waiting there forever families. The wait is more than worth it. :smile

[hurdy]

I'll be an adoptive parent soon...hopefully! Check out the siggy...only 23 more days *gulp*! We are considering fostering in the future as well.


Erin

[Urban Momma]

Congrats to you!

[3PeasInAPod]

but just keeping a good attitude and tons of patience has brought us to our dream of having two daughters. We are so grateful for the foster families that care and nurture these little ones and keep them safe while they are waiting there forever families. The wait is more than worth it. :smile


That's a great attitude! :heart

[ReedleBeetle]

We are parents that adopted, but we have never fostered. We have our sweetie Isaac all the way from Guatemala!

[made4more]

is it dumb or lame or whatever that I would LOVE to have a chinese girl? :O I wanna play w/ her hair! I wanna love her like she's not allowed to be loved over there.

or any other race really would be neat. african american, etc. I know kids aren't collectables, but I think it'd be neat, and I think it'd be a great way to teach the kids to embrace all colors :)

but does anyone else feel that way? that it'd be neat to HAVE a kid that's a different color...

if not, I'll erase this to keep myself from horrible embarassment.

[Carmen]

I am an adoptee and I always wanted a Chinese sister. It didn't happen, my parents were too "old" (I guess 34 was old in the 70's world of adoption :shrug) so I grew up an only child. I have a brother now, my biological brother that I met when I reunited with my birth parents.

I know this isn't related so much to fostering, just had to share that I wanted my mom and dad to go to China to get a little girl too. :)

[Littledisciples]

is it dumb or lame or whatever that I would LOVE to have a chinese girl? :O I wanna play w/ her hair! I wanna love her like she's not allowed to be loved over there.

or any other race really would be neat. african american, etc. I know kids aren't collectables, but I think it'd be neat, and I think it'd be a great way to teach the kids to embrace all colors :)

but does anyone else feel that way? that it'd be neat to HAVE a kid that's a different color...

if not, I'll erase this to keep myself from horrible embarassment.


Well I have a biracial child. It is very aswome. One thing to keep in mind their is some things you should be aware about before adopting biracial children. You have to realize their will be some stares, some stupid very stupid questions and you have to prepare yourself for a lifetime of that. You also have to be strong enough to let your little one know that its ok to be diffrent. TTL probably has better advise but that is just a start. I love all races and I would be open to any race. Each one does have specific things you should be aware of. African American children sometimes need special oil for their hair, their skin requres some care too as it is prone to dryness. My DD gets ashy skin. I have to use a lot of lotion for her legs esp in the summer. Or she can get lacerations that get infected. Also they make sure and test them or be aware of certain illnesses too. Like sickle cell ect.. Also I learned too that African Americans, Hispanics and Asians are the most likely to be lactose intolerant. Asians have a 95 percent chance. Where African American and Hispanics have something like 75 percent chance. I am hispanic I have lactose intolerant. DD is African American and Hispanic. She couldn't tolerate milk as a infant at all. She had to have soy milk forever. I think its wise to know about the health and cultural aspects of a child too. Because those are important when adopting. I do want to say though. Loving someone is easy no matter what color they are. When my DD has her dark hand in mine. I forget half the time its so much darker. Yet someone reminds me of it when we are at the store. I am like you know what your right. But I hope she learns to love that dark skin as much as I do. She is just beautiful. Funny when you have them in your home and arms you forget that their is a diffrence. Like that line just becomes so blurred or something. I hope more answer your question. I hope any of this made sense. Not discouraging you just helping you see it on a real level.

[ReedleBeetle]

I do want to say though. Loving someone is easy no matter what color they are. When my DD has her dark hand in mine. I forget half the time its so much darker. Yet someone reminds me of it when we are at the store. I am like you know what your right. But I hope she learns to love that dark skin as much as I do. She is just beautiful. Funny when you have them in your home and arms you forget that their is a diffrence. Like that line just becomes so blurred or something. I hope more answer your question. I hope any of this made sense. Not discouraging you just helping you see it on a real level.



I can't tell you how many times I have forgot he was born to someone else. I don't forget-forget but someone will say something about "When I had my baby and he....X" and I will be like, "Yeah, when I had Isaac....oh, I mean when we adopted Isaac....*insert laughing*....I just forget that he wasn't born of my body, because I feel like he was...." Some of my friends forget too.....I think especially because I am breastfeeding and so that is something most people aren't used to adoptive parents doing. It catches me off guard when people notice a difference or I see a pick with him hanging out with my whole family and I notive how much darker he is....the prettiest one there! :giggle

[made4more]

is it dumb or lame or whatever that I would LOVE to have a chinese girl? :O I wanna play w/ her hair! I wanna love her like she's not allowed to be loved over there.

or any other race really would be neat. african american, etc. I know kids aren't collectables, but I think it'd be neat, and I think it'd be a great way to teach the kids to embrace all colors :)

but does anyone else feel that way? that it'd be neat to HAVE a kid that's a different color...

if not, I'll erase this to keep myself from horrible embarassment.


Well I have a biracial child. It is very aswome. One thing to keep in mind their is some things you should be aware about before adopting biracial children. You have to realize their will be some stares, some stupid very stupid questions and you have to prepare yourself for a lifetime of that. You also have to be strong enough to let your little one know that its ok to be diffrent. TTL probably has better advise but that is just a start. I love all races and I would be open to any race. Each one does have specific things you should be aware of. African American children sometimes need special oil for their hair, their skin requres some care too as it is prone to dryness. My DD gets ashy skin. I have to use a lot of lotion for her legs esp in the summer. Or she can get lacerations that get infected. Also they make sure and test them or be aware of certain illnesses too. Like sickle cell ect.. Also I learned too that African Americans, Hispanics and Asians are the most likely to be lactose intolerant. Asians have a 95 percent chance. Where African American and Hispanics have something like 75 percent chance. I am hispanic I have lactose intolerant. DD is African American and Hispanic. She couldn't tolerate milk as a infant at all. She had to have soy milk forever. I think its wise to know about the health and cultural aspects of a child too. Because those are important when adopting. I do want to say though. Loving someone is easy no matter what color they are. When my DD has her dark hand in mine. I forget half the time its so much darker. Yet someone reminds me of it when we are at the store. I am like you know what your right. But I hope she learns to love that dark skin as much as I do. She is just beautiful. Funny when you have them in your home and arms you forget that their is a diffrence. Like that line just becomes so blurred or something. I hope more answer your question. I hope any of this made sense. Not discouraging you just helping you see it on a real level.



:happytears :happytears *sigh* maybe someday. ps- I'll take ANY color ;) Even a smurf.

[Urban Momma]

:hug2

[OrthoMama]

I grew up as the biological (oldest of 5 biological) in a foster home. I think it's a great thing, especially for Christians to do, (remember those widows and orphans!). However, from my experience, I think there are definitely better ways to do it than my parents did/do. Here's my input, take it or leave it, if it's helpful, great.

* In our family, there was less stress/strife if the kids didn't interrupt the birth order, or were not close in age to any of us. That was hard, as the 5 of us were w/in 11 years of each other.
* It's best, with any ministry, to avoid a Messiah complex, where you think you and you alone can save someone. Or worse, that you have to save everyone. While some counties are strapped for enough good foster parents, that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice what's best for your family to take lots of kids in. Which leads to...
* If I ever do foster care, I think it's best to take in one kid at a time. I understand there are lots of sibling groups out there that people don't want to separate, but they would be best placed (just my opinion) in homes without other kids.
* Pay Attention!! The foster kids will need a lot of your attention. That doesn't mean because your own kids SEEM to be doing well and don't need you so much, that they don't need you. Pay attention to all of your kids. It often felt in our house, the person with the biggest crisis got the attention, and everyone else was rewarded for "being good kids", where for years I've never felt like I can have a problem or complaint. Or if I want attention, I have to have a crisis.
* Don't allow the foster kids to set the tone. Many of our foster kids were very private, and didn't want to talk about some parts of their lives. My parents kind of stopped asking all of us questions. Ask questions!
* Make sure your desire to do foster care comes from a very healthy place. Do serious self inventory! If it smacks the tiniest bit of "seeking approval from others", don't do it. Or fix your heart. Others will approve of it, and you'll get accolades. Which you deserve, as fostering is above and beyond what most people are doing. This is kind of in line with...
* Keep your house in order. Hmmmm. What I mean by that is, don't take on foster kids as a way to cover up or not deal with issues that already exist. If you foster, you'll have a stand by excuse to not deal with old baggage. Not good.
* Study up on family systems, there is often a pin-pointed "bad kid" .Its very easy to put the foster kid in that place and ignore everyone elses misbehaviors. (I'm not talking about little squabbles, big things, too.)
* A good/bad thing: your children will be exposed to a lot from the outside world that you might have been guarding them from. This is of course depends on who you foster, but my siblings and I all knew about drug and alcohol addictions, sexual abuse, mental illness, jail, twitching babies coming off of drugs, etc. etc. way before our peers. This was a good thing in some ways, as we weren't shocked by very much after a while, and were very compassionate and understanding. If you weren't aware of an underbelly in our society, fostering shows you the underbelly (and your kids get to see it, too.)
* Make time for your biologicals. Your foster kids will have lots of appointments (lawyers, social workers, counselors, advocates, etc.) Make arrangements to not miss your own kids events, when possible.
Pay Attention!

I hope that helps and isn't too personal/specific to my experiences.

[Urban Momma]

I was having this conversation yesterday - in relation to how biological children feel when foster children are placed within their families. I was having a difficult time putting into words how cautious I would be to bring in foster children in lieu of focusing on the children I already had. I think every family is different in how they are able to handle the trials and growth of their children so it is difficult to apply this to everyone. I am happy to hear the biological child's point of view. I was having a difficult time putting myself in that position in the family unit and that really summed it all up. We are adopting our first children through the foster system and I was having a difficult time being able to describe the feelings the biological child might feel.

Just keep the faith Foster/Adopt parents!

[made4more]

ORTHO MAMA- I've still got to read your reply, looks good :D

Urban mama- I've been wondering about that too. I dont want the "new kids" to feel any more or less loved, same w/ my bio kids. I of cousre, just want to love them all the same, and since I would, I have faith that the Lord would work through me to let them all feel equal :)

[Urban Momma]

Great point Amy!

[made4more]

I grew up as the biological (oldest of 5 biological) in a foster home. I think it's a great thing, especially for Christians to do, (remember those widows and orphans!). However, from my experience, I think there are definitely better ways to do it than my parents did/do. Here's my input, take it or leave it, if it's helpful, great.

* In our family, there was less stress/strife if the kids didn't interrupt the birth order, or were not close in age to any of us. That was hard, as the 5 of us were w/in 11 years of each other.
* It's best, with any ministry, to avoid a Messiah complex, where you think you and you alone can save someone. Or worse, that you have to save everyone. While some counties are strapped for enough good foster parents, that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice what's best for your family to take lots of kids in. Which leads to...
* If I ever do foster care, I think it's best to take in one kid at a time. I understand there are lots of sibling groups out there that people don't want to separate, but they would be best placed (just my opinion) in homes without other kids.
* Pay Attention!! The foster kids will need a lot of your attention. That doesn't mean because your own kids SEEM to be doing well and don't need you so much, that they don't need you. Pay attention to all of your kids. It often felt in our house, the person with the biggest crisis got the attention, and everyone else was rewarded for "being good kids", where for years I've never felt like I can have a problem or complaint. Or if I want attention, I have to have a crisis.
* Don't allow the foster kids to set the tone. Many of our foster kids were very private, and didn't want to talk about some parts of their lives. My parents kind of stopped asking all of us questions. Ask questions!
* Make sure your desire to do foster care comes from a very healthy place. Do serious self inventory! If it smacks the tiniest bit of "seeking approval from others", don't do it. Or fix your heart. Others will approve of it, and you'll get accolades. Which you deserve, as fostering is above and beyond what most people are doing. This is kind of in line with...
* Keep your house in order. Hmmmm. What I mean by that is, don't take on foster kids as a way to cover up or not deal with issues that already exist. If you foster, you'll have a stand by excuse to not deal with old baggage. Not good.
* Study up on family systems, there is often a pin-pointed "bad kid" .Its very easy to put the foster kid in that place and ignore everyone elses misbehaviors. (I'm not talking about little squabbles, big things, too.)
* A good/bad thing: your children will be exposed to a lot from the outside world that you might have been guarding them from. This is of course depends on who you foster, but my siblings and I all knew about drug and alcohol addictions, sexual abuse, mental illness, jail, twitching babies coming off of drugs, etc. etc. way before our peers. This was a good thing in some ways, as we weren't shocked by very much after a while, and were very compassionate and understanding. If you weren't aware of an underbelly in our society, fostering shows you the underbelly (and your kids get to see it, too.)
* Make time for your biologicals. Your foster kids will have lots of appointments (lawyers, social workers, counselors, advocates, etc.) Make arrangements to not miss your own kids events, when possible.
Pay Attention!

I hope that helps and isn't too personal/specific to my experiences.
I think I'm waaay more interested in adopting than fostering now. too much work. At least until my bio kids are grown.

i have a question I'm going to ask at the risk of looking like a doofus: what do you mean by "dont adopt out of birth order?" my kids are almost 6, 4, 2, and 1. so don't get any younger than the youngest, or older than the oldest you mean? and don't adopt a child that is around the same age as any of my bio kids? I can't see any of those being an option :/ I suppose I'll keep on having bio babies. :/ :giggle

[OrthoMama]

I don't know how to do the quote things for just part of the message, so I'm replying to Amy about not interrupting the birth order. For me, as the oldest, when my parents started having foster kids they were all way younger than me. So when they had any who were close in age to me, it was threatening, and I always made it clear to the newbies that I was the oldest. There was even a girl who lived with us in high school who was 17 days older than me, but a year behind in school (October birthdays). She let me be the oldest. :) I guess she saw it was important to me.

I didn't mean for any of my big post to be disheartening or discouraging. I think it's awesome to foster and adopt kids. Its sooooo important. Growing up, I wished more people did it so my parents wouldn't have to take everyone in. :) Everything I wrote was just suggestions, just stuff to keep in mind, and highly specific to my situation. If you wait until your youngest is older, and then not stick a kid in between your current biologicals, that seemed, in my experience, to work best. (Like wait until your youngest is 4 and then get a 2 year old, something like that.) The very best situations in our house have been as my youngest biological brother was in high school and the foster kids were much younger. Then the biologicals at home were able to be part of the team, (kids are always part of the team with fostering- introducing the new kids to the family culture, where things are, how we do things, etc.) to not feel threatened or replaced, to understand completely what's going on. I'm sure many families have made it work taking foster kids of all ages as they were led and it worked out great. I'm sure my siblings and I are better people for our experiences, but there was a lot of pain, too. I think the pain could have been lessened or avoided if my parents had done other things differently (paid more attention, etc.) If you feel inspired by God to take in foster kids or adopt, it is such an important and meaningful way to serve a kid!!

[made4more]

I do like the idea of keeping myoldest the oldest. I wouldn't want her to feel threatened, but I wonder though, since they are all still pretty young, that if we f/a'd kids around their age, if they would just kindof see them as long-term playmates. :shrug

but I do understand yor post, and it was very good to see your pov.

[Urban Momma]

I think it is good to get many point of views and experiences from all aspects of foster/adoption. There are so many things happening all at once. Many emotions are involved. Not every situation is the same, so we have to continue to nurture our relationships with our children. Regardless of how we came to be parents, and help them grow into adults that can conquer healthy relationships, feel secure, know what love is.

[TestifyToLove]

This will be our third out of birth order adoption. The only thing that has ever been a challenge was when we artificially twinned a child. Both children struggled for a LONG time. But, today I just caught the two of them ganging up on their big brother and tormenting him, so its very obvious that for all of their struggles to accept each other, they really do love each now.

I personally don't like the carte blanche advice of never disrupt birth order. I don't like it as someone who was a biological child in a home that took in foster kids. And, I don't like it as the mother of older adoptees. The statement fails to account for the individual circumstances, personalities and needs of the child and family involved. Rather saying don't adopt X, its better to say that adopting older children and out of birth order has some unique challenges which aren't present in other adoptions. Its important to be prepared for those challenges and certain that hy can take them on before stepping into such a situation.

As for race, we've always been open to any race. It happens that the Lord has sent us a W. African, an India and a Mexican (via the US fostercare system). Race was not a determining factor one way or another in adopting our boys. Their needs and our ability to meet their needs was the determining factor in choosing to move forward with their adoptions.

My biologically oldest child was a month shy of 5 when she became a LITTLE sister and a big brother stepped into her life. Today, I don't think either of them can imagine their lives without the other one. A was grumbling about how obnoxious E is and I pointed out that if he stayed in W. Africa, he would have found his birthsister E's age just as obnoxious. His response, "Actually E and Hawa are exactly alike, so yeah little sisters are just annoying, aren't they."

[OrthoMama]

I think it is good to get many point of views and experiences from all aspects of foster/adoption. There are so many things happening all at once. Many emotions are involved. Not every situation is the same, so we have to continue to nurture our relationships with our children. Regardless of how we came to be parents, and help them grow into adults that can conquer healthy relationships, feel secure, know what love is.


I agree, UrbanMomma. Well put. I tried to put in a lot of disclaimers about my experience, TestifytoLove. Thanks for helping to clarify.

[Susan K]

I am the mother of two boys .One is six. He was adopted from Russia at ten months old. The other is 3.5 .He is our bio. son My adopted son is more like me then my bio. son. It is interesting to read about the lactose. My son is lactose intollerent. We have had chinese people stop us and ask about his chinese eyes.
Susan

[twinmomma]

We adopted twins...... and they are such a blessing to us!