Is this a healthy dynamic?

[tree_hugger]

When my children have done something particularly fabulous, I will tell them I am proud of them. "I am so proud you guys cleaned up your room by yourselves, well done!" I say this because I AM proud of the job they did, and I want to reinforce their good behaviour.

Recently, Samuel has started coming to me and saying, "Mum, I've done XYZ, are you proud of me?" To which I will usually respond with yes, "Yes, that's great."

Last night I went into their room and they were packing up their toys - unasked! It looked like a big job, so I decided to help them. As I was leaving the room after we'd finished, I heard Sam say to Ben in a grumpy voice, "We didn't tidy up the room by ourselves, now we have to find something else to do so Mum can be proud of us!" :hunh

While I think its great that they are trying to do "good deeds", I don't want them to be thinking they have to earn my approval, or my love. I feel there is a very fine line between healthy praise and too much praise and I fear we have crossed the line.

We also have a star chart. The boys get a star when I "catch" them doing something kind or helpful, like helping the baby with something, etc. We never take away stars they have already earned, or say "If you do X you can have a star." When they get twelve stars they get a small reward. The next reward is a little torch - they love reading under their covers at night. :)

I guess I just don't feel good about all this. It feels a little manipulative to me. But I don't know how else to get these boys to behave, or do their chores!

I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments. :heart :nak2

[Amythestmama]

:hug2 I don't know what to say really. I always try to tell my kids when I appreciate something they've done. It generally more along the lines of "That was a big help! Thank you!" or "You're such a big helper! What would I do without you?" At times dd will tell me that I am such a 'big helper, what would I do without you?' when I do something for her. :giggle Or tell me that she is a big helper b/c she did such and such. Ds just copies the 'Big boy!' and 'I did it!' when he does something. I can tell he's so proud of himself when he throws something in the hamper or the trash for me b/c he says with a pleased look "Big boy! I did it!" and I still congratulate him with "Yes, you did a good job! Thank you! Big helper!" Some people think I make too much out of it but I think if you give them a healthy sense of knowing that they are helpful and that you appreciate what they do, they will be happier and more confident and more able to do things. JMO Perhaps you could rephrasewhat you're saying to help them understand that they don't have to do things to make you proud of them- you are proud of them b/c they are your kids, not just b/c of what they do. :shrug

[CapeTownMommy]

I would make sure the kids know you're proud of who they are, regardless of what they do. So try to link your pride and praise to who they are - "It makes mommy proud when you're responsible" or "Thank you so much for cleaning up even when I didn't ask you, it makes mommy glad when you're helpful". And just flat out tell them "I'm so happy that you're my son" - and not in response to anything they did.

[tree_hugger]

Thanks for sharing your ideas, mamas. :heart

Anyone else? :)

[LeeDee]

Sounds a lot like the way things are here. I don't think its an approval seeking thing. I think its good that they are learning to be motivated to do good, based on the good feelings they'll get afterwards, with praise etc. I think that's very healthy.
I think it's also important to express your pride in them some random times when its not based on any action or deed. but just for who they are. But yes praising for good deeds and kindess is great, my kids thrive on it too. My 5 year old set out the breakfast table as a surprise this morning because she wanted to do something kind. She was saying "mummy and daddy will be s proud of me" and I think its great that she can be confident that I'll be proud. Have you ever read the love languages book? Loving through action is one of the love languages and Kaya thrives on it. I try to do kind random acts for her too because I know she recognises it as love.

We have a good behaviour chart too, but we have set categories in it like "I made my bed" "I brushed my teeth" etc. I do have one for "I was kind to my sister" but I leave it up to them to decide if they've been kind and when. I personally would worry about leaving it open ended where they know I'm constantly watching them for signs of kindness, and they never know when it'll be noticed etc. I just think it's better to have something solid they can recognise themselves as a positive behavior without me having to tell them it was...I'm having trouble wording this right.

[asher]

"Mum, I've done XYZ, are you proud of me?"

:popcorn Ds does this too.