Grieving and discipline issues in 2 yr old

[ReedleBeetle]

As some of you know, my FIL died last week. Our son has been pretty close to his grandparents, so we knew this would be pretty confusing for him. He has speech issues (getting ready to start speech therapy) and had just, in the last few weeks, started calling him "Pa". "Pa" was in the hospital for 5 weeks prior to his death, and whenever he wasn't in CCU, we took Isaac to see him. He died last Monday.

On Tues., a friend of mine and her daughter (20 months) came over and watched Isaac while I did much needed stuff around the house in preparation for the funeral. I was home the whole day, and he did fine after an initial problem of aggressiveness over his toys. Within 15 minutes, that was completely straightened out. One Wed., my same friend watched him for about 2 1/2 hours while we went to the second viewing (we took him to the first one). She spent the night (with her daughter) and watched him again on Thursday for about 4-5 hours. Isaac and Breez did great the whole time. We picked Isaac up and took him to the funeral. I was against trying to take Isaac, but Stephen and his mom insisted he should be there, so we took him. At the end of the funeral, Isaac tried to wake "Pa" up twice, then sadly said "Bye. Bye." and kissed him. I don't know how much he truly understood, but he was visibly confused that Grandpa wouldn't wake up and talk to him.

Now I am seeing signs of major stress/anxiety, confusion, and agressiveness (probably stemming from the anxiety). He has awoken twice since Grandpa's death, asking for him in the middle of the night (REALLY weird), he is being WAY more aggressive....slapping me in the face, pinching and scratching, even biting again....and we had that under control. He has had 3 accidents in the 2 days following his death and another over this weekend. He had completely quit having accidents. He points out everything that is Pa's, everything that reminds him of Pa. We have eaten dinner up at their house twice since his death. The first time, Isaac acted funny about it and wouldn't really eat (he didn't eat well all week last week). Tonight, he screamed, cried, wouldn't get in his seat, refused to go to the table and wanted me to hold him. He wanted his pizza, but didn't want at the table. We finally got him to the table and he screamed for Pa, looked out the window at his car and yelled for him and cried....it was heart breaking. I wrapped him in my arms and asked him if he was sad that Grandpa wasn't at the table. He started calming down immediately (he always does when I figure out the problem....even if I can't fix it), and he got quieter and quieter, but was still saying, "Pa. Pa. Pa." He is so confused and hurting, and I don't know how to help him understand. Anyway, he finally ate.

We were leaving about an hour later. It was just me and Isaac in the car. We got to the end of their road and he was pointing and saying "Heeeee! Heeee! Heeeee!" (remember....speech problem.) I asked him, "What, Honey? I don't understand." He kept repeating, but I couldn't understand what he wanted down that way. I turned the way to go hom (the opposite direction) and he SCREAMED, "PA!!!!! PA!!!!!! GRUH!!!!!!!!! PA!!!!!!! GRUH!!!!!! GRUH!!!!!! GRUH!!!!!!" On and on and on. The other way would have taken us to the hospital. :cry :cry :cry My heart is breaking so badly for him, but the aggressive behaviors is OUT OF CONTROL and I can't seem to get a rein on it. I really need some help on how to help him. I hate seeing my sweet little boy so upset. There are just so many changes right now....and then to loose Grandpa......just too much. Can anyone help?

[ReedleBeetle]

Anybody?? :/

[expatmom]

:cry Your poor sad boy. He is definitely grieving. It is so hard to know our little ones are in pain & to not be able to "fix" it or make it not hurt.

I would try and keep things as low key as possible, staying as close to your regular routines as you can. I think lots of interaction with your son, lots of snuggles and lots of hugs, would help. He is at a difficult stage because you cannot really explain what happened to his "Pa" in any way that he would understand. I think it is okay to acknowledge that he has big feelings & to name some of them for him, especially when he is out of control.


I wrapped him in my arms and asked him if he was sad that Grandpa wasn't at the table. He started calming down immediately (he always does when I figure out the problem....even if I can't fix it)


This is a great response. You will likely have to do this over and over again, to reinforce that he is safe with you and that his feelings are valid.

:hug2 Tough times for you all. :hug2

[Tanyia]

Your poor family and your poor little guy. Death is sooo hard to explain to them, and it really doesn't make sense. Why would someone they love go away to never come back? :shrug I think the aggression issues have come back because he is sooo sad and because it's the only way he can express his grief, frustration, anger, etc. Keep labeling the feelings...keep telling him you are also having big feelings. Keep your activity level reduced to not incur more stress on him and I'd try to get him a good bit of big muscle activity each day....the running, jumping, swimming, yelling, will help ease the aggressive reactions. Hugs to all of you. :hugheart

[Wonder Woman]

agreeing with the others....poor little one :hugheart

[Sarai]

Oh mama, I"m so sorry. Your poor baby. :hugheart :bheart ITA w/the advice the others have given you. My DS has been exposed to death but was a bit older when it happened (he'd just turned 3). His favorite caregiver passed away suddenly from a heart attack (no where near the same thing as losing a beloved grandfather, I know :no2). I explained very simply that L's body had stopped working, which meant that she couldn't live here with us anymore. Jesus took her to heaven to live with Him and she is safe there.

I don't know if any of that helps or not. Praying for you and your little one today. :pray4

[Praise]

Oh! :hugheart to you!

I agree that time will probably be his biggest healer (that and prayer). And that means that you'll probably have to keep gently redirecting and doing exactly what you are already doing for longer. A week is still so, so soon after a death--if his behavior hasn't improved in months, then I'd start to aggressively find new options. But remember that you are grieving as well, so make sure to take care of yourself (or as best you can given the circumstances) and give yourself grace as well. If you are at peace, then his behavior won't tear you up as much.

Also, is there some sort of ritual you can do with your son to help him grieve? Like drawing a picture/"writing" a letter (dictated to you) for his Pa every day about what he did and then putting the letters in a binder with a picture of his Pa on it? Or perhaps he could have something of Pa's that he could have next to his bed at night and you both could every night talk about how the things he and Pa did together. Or dress up in Pa's clothing? Or some other way that he could feel like he is saying goodbye to Pa in his own way.

And has he seen you cry about Pa's death? I don't know what others think, but at least for my daughter, when we both cry together it seems to really help her with these sorts of very hard life events.

:pray4 for all of you.

[ReedleBeetle]

I looked back over the last several days and when he gets the most upset. It is at there house that I see the grieving and confusion. She can come here and he is fine. So my plan is to have at least 2 days a week we don't leave the house, make the days we do leave very "scheduled" in our week (like we go to park day, then the store, then home....every week). I am not going to take him to Grandma's house for at least a few weeks, and then do maybe 1 short visit per week for the next several weeks. I am adding even more cuddles and more snuggles to our day too. Hopefully all of this will help. Thank you for all your prayers and help!!

[illinoismommy]

I was wondering where you had been ..... :hugheart

[ReedleBeetle]

I haven't been on much. Trying to return to normal here. DH shift changed too, and it is MUCH harder for me to get on during the day....especially with everthing going on here. Isaac is really needing extra attention and responsibility, which, at 2, is more work for Momma.....but that is ok. I am trying to get on a little bit though....I REALLY need the support with everything going on. Thanks for thinking of me :-) It means a lot. :hugs