Support and encouragement please!

[Dandelion]

I am really new to this idea of grace-based discipline, however I have otherwise parented my children by very AP methods (gentle birth, extended exclusive breastfeeding, on and off cloth diapering, babywearing, co-sleeping, homeschooling, absolutely no CIO - you name it I did AP parenting!). Somehow, though, my christian mindedness never met my AP mindedness on discipline. I always thought that all Christians believe in spanking and since I have become stronger in my faith only since having my first child I did not have much time to think through discipline and how to go about it. Everyone I know spanks and gives time-outs and many are just plain inconsistent in their methods and scream at their kids half the time istead f doing anything. Some of my friends and aquaintances are huge believers in SACH and because of this I was convinced to buy this book and until recently I felt awful that I had not read the whole thing and fully implemented the techniques in my home. My husband is a spanker and is basically just clueless about discipline and has no true desire (that I know of) to change his cluelessness...I have not even told him of my decision a few weeks ago to give up spanking and punitive discipline because I think that he will be very confused and confrontational when he sees the kids misbehaving and me not being successful to control them. So I guess what I am saying is I am very confused and headed for serious discouragement and I feel that no one in my "real" life is capable of supporting me. My parents (who were not Bible believing Christians) did spank us, but they were much more gracious than I am. I am just really unsure of myself and my role as a gentle authoritarian. I feel like an enemy of my children - especially my oldest - whenever I have to correct behavior. I am dying for some advice!

[~yogamom~]

:hug2 mamacheetah. You have come to the right place! :heart I am so glad God led you here. :yes There is so much good material on these boards-- esp. the gentle discipline one-- that I think you will find helpful. My advice is to read, read, read these boards, http://aolff.com/?page_id=4, and http://aolff.com/?page_id=4. Your concerns and questions are really valid and there are a lot of mamas on these boards who will be happy to help as you contemplate your decisions about parenting. :heart

[Soliloquy]

I am so glad you are here. I will pray for you. I'm not the best one to give advice to your situation--I think there are others here who would be better, so I'll pass on a general "start here."

I do highly recommend using the 5 steps.

I also highly recommend the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber & Mazlish. It is very easy to read, even by a busy mom, and is likely at your public library.

Can you give a specific situation where you would normally spank? That would be a good starting point.

[kwisie]

:hug

[Dandelion]

We don't actually spank often...just a lot of threats (mostly by dh). I am usually the real spanker/disciplinarian, he is more the threatener. I am not sure which is worse! I probably only spank once a month at the most, although at times in the past maybe a little more often depending on which book or theory or person's advice I was subscribing to follow at the moment.
My oldest ds is very difficult for me verbally (as is my dh, they have very similar argumentative personalities). He is overall a very good kid, but he is very intelligent verbally and loves to give me and everyone else a hard time by being a smart alleck. He also waivers between being one of the most sensitive thoughtful people I know to being a completely rude attitude disrespectful little boy. He drives me nuts when he gets into one of his rude attitudes and then on top of it begins to argue with me about absolutely everything....And I know that one of the main fuels for his fire is my reaction, but I cannot seem to get us out of the cycle.
I don't generally feel as threatened by the other 3 kids (of course not the baby at all!), but now my 4 yr old ds is beginning to argue about literally everything and give me the why's all the time like his older brother. And this is what puts me over the edge. They will ask me why they have to do whatever I tell them to do, not because they really want to know why because most of the time I have already told them why, but because they are trying to talk their way out of it.
The other thing that drives me insane is my 8 yr old ds and his distractability... he can almost never remember to bring his lunchbox, jacket, gloves, etc, home from school. He will repeatedly leave something like his goggles on the side of the pool and lose them over and over again for the entire summer never learning even after they have been missing and we had to search for them in the lost and found and even after I took them away numerous times for several days so he would think about taking responsibility for them. He wears glasses and many times they have been found in completely ridiculous places like the grass under the swing, or thrown on the picnic blanket to be trampled by his siblings or left at school for several days. He has a very difficult time following directions like "please go brush your teeth and put your shoes on, we have to leave very soon for school." I will have to tell him 3-5 times each step of his morning routine everyday - like he can't remember that he has to wear shoes to school?!
So all of this nagging/frustration on my part leaves a very bad taste over our relationship. I feel disrespected and disrespectful, he feels disrespected and disrespectful and we do not have a lot of time to have pleasant conversations because I must spend so much time reminding him that his glasses don't belong under a swing set!

[Teribear]

Something that stood out to me was that your oldest sounds like he might be a bit ADD. ADD has a couple of forms and one of them doesn't have the hyperactivity component. I believe that I have that form, inattentive ADD, and I did ALL the things that you were describing...losing/leaving things especially. It drove my mother up a wall. Check out the book "Driven to Distraction" by Hallowell and Ratey it has some really good coping strategies for both you and your child that will help even if he's NOT truly ADD. Since I started living my life "as if" I was inattentive ADD and applying some of the strategies to my life, things, while not perfect, have gotten SO much better.

Additionally, welcome to GCM, you will find help here. Be aware that as you make the transition to GBD from a more punitive paradigm things will likely get worse for awhile before they get better. The kids have to learn that the boundaries are still the boundaries even when they're not going to get spanked for crossing them, you know? It is a transition SO very worth making and too many people give up in the midst of that "rough patch" and go back the other way because "its not working" so I like to warn folks that there IS a transition and it WILL get better if you stay the course.

[HuggaBuggaMommy]

My oldest ds is very difficult for me verbally (as is my dh, they have very similar argumentative personalities). He is overall a very good kid, but he is very intelligent verbally and loves to give me and everyone else a hard time by being a smart alleck. He also waivers between being one of the most sensitive thoughtful people I know to being a completely rude attitude disrespectful little boy. He drives me nuts when he gets into one of his rude attitudes and then on top of it begins to argue with me about absolutely everything....And I know that one of the main fuels for his fire is my reaction, but I cannot seem to get us out of the cycle.


Welcome! I think Teribear gave you some good advice regarding the distraction. My ds is not nearly as distracted as yours, but I do find that checklists help him - and he loves to be able to mark things off after he's done them. Maybe you can make a checklist for the mornings - and school, too.

As for the disrespectful mouth, that is an absolute no-no in our house. My ds is 6 and can get into the argumentative, disrespectful phase sometimes. That's not to say he can't disagree with me. He can, but it must be done respectfully and it must stop when I say stop. The boundary set is that there is no disrespectful talk allowed toward anyone, and if you continue, you must leave the area until you can talk politely and kindly. The important thing is not to get angry and yell or argue back (I admit, occasionally I do :blush ).

[Soliloquy]

I know this is hard to do in the heat of the moment when your buttons are being pushed, but could you try this:

"When I ask you pick up your toys and you ask 'Why?' I get very frustrated and angry and it makes me want to yell. I know you don't like to pick up toys but please do it anyway." Then walk out of the room.

I have found that even tell my 3 y.o. how frustrated I get when she whines helps.

[Dandelion]

Thanks for the replies...I am still really frustrated at moments, but I am pressing ahead. I never really liked the idea of spanking to beging with so I am determined that we will figure out another way...

[growingmommy]

:hug2
We can't change overnight.. remember that... I've found it's a really big learning lesson for us all.

Think positively.. "I will get better, because I can do it!" I've found also, that If I'm so focused on being positive with my 2 yr old.. that it makes everything easier...