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mellymommy
09-13-2007, 07:36 PM
I know that I've "complained" a lot about my son lately. I am sorry for feeling the way I do about him. I'm drained and I feel hopeless and I feel like I am the wrong mama for him. This post may ramble. I'm crying and I may not be thinking straight.

I don't know why, but I'm afraid of connecting with him. I see so much of myself in him and I'm terrified of treating him like my mom treated me. My mom made me feel like I was small, unlovable, insignificant, a waste of her time, and a burden to her.

My son is so tough to love sometimes. He is so full of passion and kinetic energy and requires SO much of my energy and time just to keep him focused and keep him from hurting himself or other people. He does EVERYTHING with overwhelming passion. He doesn't just wake up in the morning...if he wakes up happy, he comes in dancing and singing and saying, "I love you!" but if he wakes up grumpy, he cried, he bullies, he yells, he threatens, he hits, etc. EVERYTHING is like this...grocery shopping, getting dressed, making lunch, playing at the park, reading books, etc. Even his diet requires my constant attention. He sucks me dry and right now I am in a place where I cringe when he calls me or when I hear him yell. I don't even want to do things that are fun with him. I just feel like I need to get away from him.

I HATE feeling like this. I'm afraid that I'm treating him like my mother did me. I want to make my son feel important and loved and strong and smart and worth my time and effort. But, I'm afraid of connecting with him. I'm afraid of all the work he requires, I'm afraid of him rejecting my help/love, I'm afraid of screwing him up, I'm afraid of snapping and hurting him just to get him to listen to me and stop yelling.

We've talked to the dr. about some sort of behavioral issue and there is no worry from the dr. (and I don't feel like there is a behavioral disability of any kind).

I just don't know what to do.

cindergretta
09-13-2007, 07:51 PM
He sounds like my 4 y/o. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. :hugheart

I'm sorry you are struggling with these feelings and emotions. Maybe instead of looking at ways to try to "deal" with him, you could look into some counselling to help you overcome the burden your mother left on your shoulders. :hugheart

:pray

SouthPaw
09-13-2007, 07:51 PM
:hug2

Quietspirit
09-13-2007, 08:11 PM
Maybe instead of looking at ways to try to "deal" with him, you could look into some counselling to help you overcome the burden your mother left on your shoulders.

:yes :hug2 :hug2 That is an excellant idea.

hopeforchange
09-13-2007, 08:30 PM
:hug2

Praise
09-18-2007, 09:47 AM
No advice, just :hugheart.

Remember that you are pregnant (I never have any tolerance for *anything* when I'm pregnant), and also, you won't always feel this way. I'm beginning to learn that our relationships with our children are just that: relationships. And all relationships have ups and downs. Your relationship with him may be in the "down" part now, but I'm guessing that you will both work it out. Just being aware of what your goals are (which you already noted) a good indication that even at your worst, you are still working. It will work out--just pray and give yourself some grace.

Marsha
09-18-2007, 10:31 AM
You sound like me with my 3 and then 4 year old oldest daughter. Turns out I had/have anxiety and depression which didn't help.

It also helped me to realize that parenting from guilt and fear wasn't effective.

It also helped me to read not so GBD discipline books. I mean, like Kevin Leman and Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson and the How to Talk so Kids will Listen book. They focused more on the pragmatic discipoine side and didn't trigger my guilt if that's the right word over my lack of warm fuzzies.

And if you are pregnant right now, wow! Hormones are going to affect you the same way my depression and anxiety did to me.

My older is 5. She is still pretty gut wrenching for me. But I do feel like we are on a better footing. And part of it is that she has grown up and away from me a little bit, and I have her sister and now myself, and maybe even dh to think about too. I think we were a little enmeshed tbh and it was painful to un-enmesh but ultimately worth it.
(My oldest reminds me of me SO much too. If my mom was alive, I'd call her and apologize, I swear.)

Lila
09-18-2007, 02:45 PM
:hug2

allisonintx
09-18-2007, 02:53 PM
Go find a mirror, print this out and read it to yourself!

I am not my mother. I love my mother and choose to NOT act or parent like her. I choose to do her the great honor of being different from her and being a better kind of parent because of what she taught me, which is the greatest honor I can give her. It means she did something right, rearing me to be a concerned mother striving to be the best parent I can, even if her parenting was a bad example from which I learned how NOT to parent/act.

victoriousmama
09-25-2007, 10:23 AM
:hug2 I really do understand what you're going through as I constantly struggle with such feelings with my nearly 6yo ds too. He's terribly high-needs, needs me for every single thing, tests me over everything, tries and tries to get his way no matter how firmly I stand he'll still try. And he's terribly fussy over his food too, we have battles nearly over his whole entire life! Sometimes feel that I need a couple days break from him :) BUT I believe God gave these kids to us cos He knows we'd persevere on in our love for them. :yes And I honestly think Sam was given to me to keep me humble and dependent upon God, really! I start my day usually on my knees asking God for strength, wisdom, love, and patience. (and usually on my knees at night asking for renewal and forgiveness for being annoyed or angry! :blush and then again asking for more wisdom for whatever situation we're in) But I really become dependent on God for parenting Sam, and I think that's a good thing :O

ServantofGod
09-25-2007, 06:25 PM
Melody, ITU. :heart

I feel similarly with my youngest child. I feel like a failure with him a lot of the time. I can't figure out any way to help him act better. It feels like it just goes on and on and on and on and on. I was just looking back at a journal I wrote exactly one year ago and I was stunned to find myself saying the exact same things. I have the exact same problems. I keep trying to fix them, but they stay the same. I was stunned to find that I wrote, "I'm thinking of putting him in daycare three days a week, just so someone else can deal with him long enough for me to think straight!" and that is the same thing I was thinking a few weeks ago.

We also have a special diet, which every month or so I'm convinced makes no difference, since he is not an easy child no matter what. I always thought I would never dream of treating my child's behavior with drugs, but today I was thinking if a dr. offered them, I would take them! :shifty He is THAT exhausting.

I also have the mother issue, too. I think, "He will grow up thinking his mother does not understand him or like him, just the way I did." And that worries me a lot. :cry