mellymommy
09-13-2007, 07:36 PM
I know that I've "complained" a lot about my son lately. I am sorry for feeling the way I do about him. I'm drained and I feel hopeless and I feel like I am the wrong mama for him. This post may ramble. I'm crying and I may not be thinking straight.
I don't know why, but I'm afraid of connecting with him. I see so much of myself in him and I'm terrified of treating him like my mom treated me. My mom made me feel like I was small, unlovable, insignificant, a waste of her time, and a burden to her.
My son is so tough to love sometimes. He is so full of passion and kinetic energy and requires SO much of my energy and time just to keep him focused and keep him from hurting himself or other people. He does EVERYTHING with overwhelming passion. He doesn't just wake up in the morning...if he wakes up happy, he comes in dancing and singing and saying, "I love you!" but if he wakes up grumpy, he cried, he bullies, he yells, he threatens, he hits, etc. EVERYTHING is like this...grocery shopping, getting dressed, making lunch, playing at the park, reading books, etc. Even his diet requires my constant attention. He sucks me dry and right now I am in a place where I cringe when he calls me or when I hear him yell. I don't even want to do things that are fun with him. I just feel like I need to get away from him.
I HATE feeling like this. I'm afraid that I'm treating him like my mother did me. I want to make my son feel important and loved and strong and smart and worth my time and effort. But, I'm afraid of connecting with him. I'm afraid of all the work he requires, I'm afraid of him rejecting my help/love, I'm afraid of screwing him up, I'm afraid of snapping and hurting him just to get him to listen to me and stop yelling.
We've talked to the dr. about some sort of behavioral issue and there is no worry from the dr. (and I don't feel like there is a behavioral disability of any kind).
I just don't know what to do.
I don't know why, but I'm afraid of connecting with him. I see so much of myself in him and I'm terrified of treating him like my mom treated me. My mom made me feel like I was small, unlovable, insignificant, a waste of her time, and a burden to her.
My son is so tough to love sometimes. He is so full of passion and kinetic energy and requires SO much of my energy and time just to keep him focused and keep him from hurting himself or other people. He does EVERYTHING with overwhelming passion. He doesn't just wake up in the morning...if he wakes up happy, he comes in dancing and singing and saying, "I love you!" but if he wakes up grumpy, he cried, he bullies, he yells, he threatens, he hits, etc. EVERYTHING is like this...grocery shopping, getting dressed, making lunch, playing at the park, reading books, etc. Even his diet requires my constant attention. He sucks me dry and right now I am in a place where I cringe when he calls me or when I hear him yell. I don't even want to do things that are fun with him. I just feel like I need to get away from him.
I HATE feeling like this. I'm afraid that I'm treating him like my mother did me. I want to make my son feel important and loved and strong and smart and worth my time and effort. But, I'm afraid of connecting with him. I'm afraid of all the work he requires, I'm afraid of him rejecting my help/love, I'm afraid of screwing him up, I'm afraid of snapping and hurting him just to get him to listen to me and stop yelling.
We've talked to the dr. about some sort of behavioral issue and there is no worry from the dr. (and I don't feel like there is a behavioral disability of any kind).
I just don't know what to do.