I need help...

[growingmommy]

in learning how to GBD. My mom was extremely abusive in every way possible.. except sexual abuse to us. We were put in corners, beat with her fists, knives (me), plungers, lots of other things. She yelled, screamed, never played, never patient..etc....
I NEED to break this. I yell, scream, get impatient and I spank sometimes. I don't want to do those things. I hate those things. My hubby is not that supportive. He's short and mean with them. I don't know what to do. I've read things on here, I've tried looking for books at the library, there is none. My hubby doesn't want me buying any books. I'm a SAHM, all day every day even when he's home. I do everything from cleaning, to making appts, paying bills, etc...
I don't know what to do anymore, so I'm asking for some direction.
My oldest daughter (27mon) throws tantrums by throwing herself on the ground (anywhere), screams at the top of her lungs, doesn't listen unless I yell, she doesn't really tell us no, just doesn't listen if she's not getting what she wants. She wines ALL the time about anything and everything, has no patience. I'm sure she gets it from us, and I'm sure some of it's from her age. Please help me.
:pacing

Please don't judge me or reply bashing me. I'm asking for help because I'm not able to do this myself. I can't get proper support from my hubby. Thank you for any replies :pray4

[ArmsOfLove]

I would say that first of all you need irl counseling to sort through the abuse that was done to you. Those things are horrible! :hugheart I'm so sorry that was your experience growing up :(

Also, ask your library about interlibrary loan. Check out the Ames and Ilg books, and the Jane Nelson books, Becky Bailey. Get some practical tools.

My site www.aolff.org has a bunch of articles that you can even download for free. And links to other sites including the one for GOYB parenting that is very practical and helpful.

It's also not okay that your dh is restricting access to these things :( I would suggest couples counseling is also in order.

I think it's awesome that you are stepping out to break the cycle of abuse! :hugheart

[Praise]

Aw, don't worry--you won't get any judging or bashing replies. :welcome2

I second Crystal's suggestion for counseling.

And for advice for the situation you gave: It isn't too uncommon for toddlers to throw themselves on the ground in a tantrum--she just has lots of big feelings and can't express them yet. Our job is to help them learn how to express those emotions. During those big tantrums, you can't get them to change in the middle of the tantrum, the feelings are too big. I've found it instead more helpful to label what they are feeling. Something like: "Wow. Those are big feelings! You are so, so, SO mad that you can't do X!" I get down on the floor and look at her with as much love as I can muster at the time in face (even though sometimes it feels like acting if I'm really mad). It doesn't stop the tantrum, but I've found that it has helped my daughter learn how to identify her emotions. When she isn't in the middle of a tantrum, I then talk with her about what happened and what she could have done differently. Like: "You were so mad earlier today that you couldn't do X. That made you very, very mad. What do you think you could have done to help make yourself feel better." In the beginning I got crazy answers like: "Put a tiger in a tree" or impossible stuff like that. I always affirmed her answer, and then offered some of my own suggestions (cuddling with me, taking a drink of juice, etc.).

For the not listening, try getting quieter. It sounds like she's learned that she can ignore you until you yell. Instead, try going and touching her and talking very quietly, firmly, but quietly. And then if she doesn't do it, I'd help her do it. Gently.

And about not listening, it is pretty clever if you think about it. If they can pretend/imagine that they didn't hear us, then they don't have to do it. ::) When this happens, I try to go and touch my daughter, make eye contact, and ask again with a smile. And then help her do it if she doesn't. (Often that means that she runs away to do it *herself*.)

Whining...yeah, this is such a hard one. My current tactic (that I learned here) is to tell her that she is using her whiney voice, and to try lowering her voice to make it not whiney.I then model what I mean (often to a funny extent). I still give her what she had asked for (if that would have been my decision if she hadn't used a whiney voice), since I can't make her not whine. I'm just hoping that she'll outgrow it and realize that whiney just isn't necessary, and bothers people.

Hope at least some of this helps! :hug2

[HomeWithMyBabies]

You're not going to get any bashing here. :hugheart Many, many have been or are where you are now. It is admirable that you recognize your past impacting you, that knowledge will help you move forward.

I third the counseling suggestion. Abuse like you've been through teaches a child lies about herself. Untangling those lies often requires some help. I'm so sorry you went through that. :hugheart

[growingmommy]

Thanks ladies! :hug2

I'm reading a book by Paul Conn and someone else about Positive Parenting... It's helpful, but I've got a LONG way to go.. especially re-training myself. I'm gonna seek a counselor and see what can be done. Once again thank you ladies!! :yes

[booboo]

Hey,

I was abused too and I struggle a lot. :hugheart Just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone. Sometimes I want to run outside just to get away so I can breathe, and they follow me! :shifty Please don't worry about being bashed. You are asking for advice, not promoting things that are wrong. :heart

[Lila]

:grouphug

[growingmommy]

thanks boo and lila

I've been doing A LOT better since the post... and reading the positive parenting book. It's so great.. She's been listening so much better! :rockon

I'll be looking to purchase more books and learning more off this site! :smile

[New Creation]

Hi growing mommy! :welcome

I think that was REALLY brave of you to disclose your 'weaknesses' the way you did. In our weaknesses, Christ makes us strong eh?

I wasn't abused like you were but I had "a crazy mom" who had an explosive temper and spanked when she could catch us.

I inheirited her temper and acquired many other bad habits of my own. :rolleyes

I am also BRAND NEW to GBD and am determined to let GOD do His work in me so that I may show my one and only daughter His love the way she deserves to know it.

One book I have read that has really shown me a lot is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by FAber and Mazlish.

Looking forward to getting to know you and exchanging encourgements and war stories. God will bless your efforts sister!!!!!!
:pray3

[Dandelion]

I just wanted to chime in and let you know that you have my support and prayers...and a :hug2. I, too, am wrestling with the practice of gentle discipline and I am asking God to give me wisdom in discipline and grace for my children. I will be praying for you, too.

[growingmommy]

Thank you sooo much ladies! I hope the same to you both also!

THings have actually been getting better, so prayers must be helping.. and I'm so appreciative that God's showing me another better way to parent. He's so awesome!

I've found that If I start acting really silly when she's at her worst, it really helps deflate her major meltdowns... lol

[CapeTownMommy]

Yes, playful parenting can be a powerful tool. I think it's fantastic how you're rising above what was done to you - your heart is so in the right place, and if you continue to work at it your actions and temperament will follow. I'm new to GBD myself, but I'm absolutely convinced it's better for my dd than any punitive mindset.

There's a thread somewhere here called "what's so great about gentle parenting" or something like that - read that to give you some hope.

[growingmommy]

Ok, great. Will do. I've just started reading how to talk.....so kids will listen.. Ch. 1.. so far I think it's great!