Can't GBD.

[Chris3jam]

I really don't think I'll *ever* be able to GBD effectively. And I think I now know why we've been having so much trouble. It's because I'm *always* angry at my kids. *Always*. I have this constant underlying anger. . . . .every day, all day. It's because I feel so out of control. . . . . and that I just cannot do anything about changing their horrible behaviour. Two examples. Last night at church, 11 yo ds was being a real jerk. We were at the sound board, and he was sitting on a chair that squeaks when you move it much. So, I said, "Sit still and stop making the chair squeak." He started to *deliberately* move *more* to make it squeak more (and, yes, other people could hear it). So, I moved him off the chair and onto the stairs, saying, "Sit here and be still.". So, he took off his shoes, *threw* them into the sound 'room' (there is another room attached to the sound booth), and then laid on his back on the floor and started to scootch around and squirm. Now, both me and dh were working and I was trying desperately to focus on doing the lights and the powerpoint (and the screen and everything). So we could *not* just take him out. This, to me, is the epitome of disrespect and rudeness. He's 11. I wanted *so* badly to be able to take him outside and punch the ever-living daylights out of him, I hated him so badly at that moment (it moved from the undercurrent of anger to full-blown rage). :blush :blush :blush :blush :cry :cry :cry :cry :cry

So, what I did was talk to someone I know at church and ask if ds could sit with him from now on (this is a man that works in the children's programs) on the Sunday nights that we have sound. :blush :blush :blush And he said ok. So. . . I hope that works out.

Second example. .. .and this is something that happens *all* and *every* time I tell him to do something. I told him he needed to take out the trash this morning, and the other 3 trash bags that had been sitting on the deck needed to be taken down to the garbage bin, too. He said, "No. I can't" (Um, yes, he can. He does it every week, on trash day). I said, "Yes, you can. You do it all the time. The trash needs to go out." He said, "No. I won't do it. I can't do it." And this is where I lost it and yelled at him and called him names :blush :blush :blush :blush :blush :blush *because* I had 1. no idea what to do to get him to comply, and I *need* him to comply, 2. the anger had turned into rage (again), and 3. it was in lieu of me 'spanking' him to get him to comply . . . .I *needed* to do *something*!! and if I had laid a hand on him, I would have hurt him. :blush :blush :blush :blush :blush :cry :cry :cry As it was, I hurt him enough with my words. So, then he goes into the den and tries to micro-control dd (he is a total control freak and he's a bully and is always trying to boss people around, because he's "the big brother" he says - -- dd wasn't playing properly with a toy :no2, according to him), which elicits high-pitched screams. I'm on my hands and knees on the floor trying to mop up the water spewing from the dishwasher, and trying to figure out what's wrong with it. So, I finally get into the den, the screaming stops (I'm actually surprised that the glasses didn't shatter. . .she has an unbelievable scream), and I tell him to get the heck out of my face, that I don't want to see him again, and to go to his room, that I hated him (yes. .. I cussed. :blush :blush :blush :blush :blush :blush).

Let me just say. . this is not my 'normal' reaction. . . I think the dishwasher, on top of the other problems this weekend, just kind of threw me off the edge (that is *no* excuse. . . I *know* that). But, I have that reaction too much. Even once is too much. :cry :cry :cry And I do try to prevent the sunday night jitters. .. .I try to get them to bring things to do, etc., etc. But, instead of doing the coloring or whatever, they just sit there and misbehave. :cry :cry :cry

This is why I'll never be good at this. I am just too angry. I *cannot* get my kids to cooperate with me. . .at all. Every day is just such a battle. It's a war. And I *hate* it. I *hate* it. I *hate* it.


edited by flowermama per posting guideline number three

[milkmommy]

:hugheart that sounds soo horrible. I wish I had a magicall answer. I can relate a little though and wanted to tell you your feels are real. I know those issues we have that never seem to get better not matter what we try just grate on my every nerve and although I admit its still "wrong" I have too blown up and get to where I just want to hurt someone.. :( And then feel horrible for feeling that way.
Honestly at 11 especially I'd have no issues with assingning real tanagible conquences for mis behavior :shifty

Deanna

[allisonintx]

So, um, how is your blood sugar. Rage like that is often a function of out of control blood sugar issues.

[MarynMunchkins]

Back later with more, but :hug2 for now

[milkmommy]

So, um, how is your blood sugar. Rage like that is often a function of out of control blood sugar issues.

Often yes I also know for me sometimes its the wrong reaction but a result of the same issue/problem occuring over and over and over and the dread of knowing it will come up again and again. Its still wrong but a feeling I can very much relate to. :shifty

Deanna

[milkmommy]

Its like my dd sayng the simple and often very innocent words I'm hungry. I'm sorry to say those words just grate on my nerves :O not that I dn't wan ther to ea but because its 99% followed with her saying no everything I suggest and her throwing herself to the floor in a huge crumpled mess of big feelings. Reality is her blood sugar has pretty muched crashed by the time I hear those words and I need to keep this in mind and feed before she asks.. but still... its frustrating.
Deanna

[Jemma2]

:hug2

[forty-two]

I *completely* understand that sort of anger :hug2. Honestly, I see myself so much in your post, and I only have one. I have quicksilver mood changes, and I can easily go from laughing and joking around to screaming and feeling like I am losing it in seconds. Just did it last night, as a matter of fact. Boo was tired and started crying - wanting to nurse and go to sleep - and I just felt completely overwhelmed, yelled at my dh to do something (and there was swearing involved :blush), and left Boo with dh, crying, for a minute as I went to the bathroom to calm down.

You're right, that anger makes it hard - sometimes impossible - to GBD successfully. But it also makes it hard - sometimes impossible - to *parent* successfully. The problem isn't GBD - the problem is the anger. That is what needs to change. Believe me, I *know* how daunting a task that seems - it seems impossible some days. And really, if it were just up to us, all by our little selves, we would fail miserably. But thank the Lord that we *don't* have to do it alone! He is there, with us every baby step of the way.

Just because we are saved doesn't mean we don't need God's help anymore. My dh's sermon yesterday was about the benefits to us of being in God's Word; one of those benefits is that God uses His Word to change us, to make us more like Christ. Heaven knows that I could really use that - some days I feel about as far from being Christ-like as possible. And I haven't really spent time in the Word and in prayer in years - there might be a connection there. As a friend of ours said, "When I don't spend time in the Word, I don't like the person I am." I've no idea about the state of your devotional life, it's just just that, for me, that kind of anger and lashing out seems to be deeply connected to my being distant from God.

For myself, I don't like the person I am when I fly off the handle - I don't want to live like that. And I *know* that I can't change without God's help. And I know that He is ready, willing, and able to help me become more like Christ, if only I quit rejecting His help. I just need do it.

Please feel free to pm me - I really identify with what you are feeling, so much :hug2 - and heavens knows I need all the help I can get myself to try to overcome this anger. I'm praying for you.

[shercurrie]

I don't have any advice for you, but :hugheart and :pray2 for you and your ds.

[forty-two]

I second (third?) the blood sugar issues. I do crash horribly on refined sugars, and they do my moods no favors. I also have to eat every few hours or I start crashing. It's to the point I don't leave the house without at least an emergency granola bar on me. As well, hormones can wreak havoc - I've noticed that PMS does a number on my temper as well, to the point that when I am *really* flying off the handle, I think about where I am in my cycle. It can help to try to figure out your triggers - mine tend to be hunger, tiredness, and hormones - and work to actively head them off just as you work to head off the same issues with little kids.

[Chris3jam]

Well, blood sugar doesn't seem to be a trigger. I wish it were that simple. This rage can happen anytime.. . .. the anger is constant. The only trigger I can see is that the kids' behaviour. As in, I've suppressed the anger and dealt with issue after issue after issue just fine (*feeling* anger, but not showing it or acting on it). I dealt with the issues on the weekend just fine, I dealt with the dishwasher and such just fine, but, then, it's like I snap. I've had just so much whining, complaining, out-of-control behaviour, and, even though I've been dealing with it just fine so far, I snap. . . it's like a straw that breaks the camel's back. :cry :cry It's like a cup filling up. . .. .and then, all of a sudden, it runs over. :(

[GrowingInGrace]

I understand the anger. I really do. I understand the lashing out after the last straw with the words, because if you didn't curse, it would be worse. You can't undo it, but you can apologize for it. You can at least let your children know you made a mistake and you are making amends with them, but that does not excuse the behavior.

Your son could be re-enacting what he just went through with you to his little sister. He doesn't feel he can hurt you back, so he takes it out on little sis. Maybe he also acts up other places, because he knows you won't go over the top in public but he tries to make you.

First work on the anger within you. Lower your expectations of them until you come up with a plan that you want them to strive for. Have them help pick out 1 chore they must do every day. If it's not the trash, then let it be something else. Or let it be trash this week, but mopping next week or something like that.

I know you have some health issues that keep you from doing some things. Does your son understand the reasoning behind why you ask his help for a chore? That maybe you would do it yourself, but this one small thing you ask him to do means a whole lot to you and why.

My children are really little now (which is embarrassing to admit that I have cursed at them when I was having some depression issues), and of course they balk at doing their chores. Which for now is simply to pick up their own messes. I tell them all the time "every little bit helps", and "when everyone pitches in, it's not such a big job". Right now, I pick up with them.

When they are older, they will have "assigned" chores, but they will get to pick them, and they will have the opportunity to change them. I always had the chore of washing the bathroom floors when I was 11. I really didn't like them, and I fussed about it all the time. My oldest sister had laundry duties, and my middle sister had dusting. And so it went every Saturday. It never changed. It stunk. I didn't get to pick it, I didn't get to change. I would have appreciated changing it up every once in a while. And of course, I think we also washed the dishes too, taking turns nightly. That at least changed, but I always remember balking at that too. Overall chores just stink for kids. It's a known fact. If there was a way to make it fun, though.... :scratch :shrug :think

Come to think of it, no wonder why my mother had a clean house. We kids always did the chores.... :think

[forty-two]

Well, blood sugar doesn't seem to be a trigger. I wish it were that simple. This rage can happen anytime.. . .. the anger is constant. The only trigger I can see is that the kids' behaviour. As in, I've suppressed the anger and dealt with issue after issue after issue just fine (*feeling* anger, but not showing it or acting on it). I dealt with the issues on the weekend just fine, I dealt with the dishwasher and such just fine, but, then, it's like I snap. I've had just so much whining, complaining, out-of-control behaviour, and, even though I've been dealing with it just fine so far, I snap. . . it's like a straw that breaks the camel's back. :cry :cry It's like a cup filling up. . .. .and then, all of a sudden, it runs over. :(


Can you tell when you are reaching your limit before you lose it? Or is it fine, fine, fine, explode - with it being as much a surprise to you as to everyone else?

As well, in the situations in which you feel anger, but don't let it affect your actions: Do you feel your anger is proportionate to the situation that caused it? Or is it as disproportionate as your anger when you finally lose it, only you manage to hold it in?

[GrowingInGrace]

Chris -

Are you taking any supplements. Vitamins, a good b-complex, evening primrose oil capsules? These are relatively easy things to add to help get you off on the right foot. Stress depletes your stores of stress-relieving b-vitamins.

I hate to even suggest this, but what I had to do to help with my anger when I couldn't control it was go on a low dose of Zoloft for a few months. Like 50 mg/day. It really took the edge off the stress I was feeling so I could cope without bringing in all the anger. After a few months, and things were getting more under control and the baby was older and not nursing constantly, I decided to stop taking it.

My dh too went on Zoloft about a year before for a short while. He was feeling very overwhelmed, sad, and snappish all the time. He took 100mg (of course he weighed more than I did) and I could see that it really helped him too. It was short term and he doesn't use them any more. Now if he gets snappish, it's usually enough to tell him to go out for a little while to unwind and come back in a better mood.

We just had to try something like this, because as much as we wanted to, we couldn't wish or talk our way out of not reacting with anger.

[NayneeNoo]

Couldn't read without offering :hugheart ...wish I had more to offer.

[Chris3jam]

Ok, another example from last night. It's stuff that happens, well, it's normal life, it seems for us. :cry We got into the car after church, and after the kids played on the playground for a while. Dh had the windows down. 9 yo ds says, "Can we have the windows up until we get home?" Dh starts to put up the windows. Ds starts screaming, "I want the windows down! Why can't we have the windows down!?!?" Dh says, "You asked for the windows to be put up. . .I was doing what you asked." Ds, still yelling and screaming, says, "I DID NOT! I DID NOT!!" I said, "Hon, yes, you did. I heard it too. You asked for the windows to go up. This is no problem. . .just say, 'I'm sorry. . . I used the wrong word. .. can we have the windows down please?'. That's the proper and acceptable way to fix this problem. What you are doing is completely unacceptable." We went through this. . . . . all the way home. . .. . me telling him outright that the consequences of him acting that way were keeing the windows up, the consequences of him dealing with the problem correctly, as we outlined, would bring consequences of windows down. . .. . .him alternating between screaming, being completely silent, and muttering "I hate you. I hate you." Finally, as we were coming up our street, I asked him, "Was it worth it? All you had to do was deal with the problem in the acceptable way. . . we even told you what that was. You did not, and the windows remained up .. you not only did not get what you wanted, but you are all upset now." Now, dh and I are both very calm. . . . me, because I deal with this sort of thing all day. .. dh. . . well. . . .let's just say :tu :tu :tu

But, see, when I have to deal with this garbage day in and day out. . .. . . the cup seems to get pretty full pretty fast. ... . adding leaky dishwashers and malfunctioning washers and all the other sorts of "normal daily living" just. . . . it just is. . . . hard. It's hard trying to hold on to your emotions and reactions, when all you do want to do is "beat the devil" out of them. :cry

Can you tell when you are reaching your limit before you lose it? Or is it fine, fine, fine, explode - with it being as much a surprise to you as to everyone else?

As well, in the situations in which you feel anger, but don't let it affect your actions: Do you feel your anger is proportionate to the situation that caused it? Or is it as disproportionate as your anger when you finally lose it, only you manage to hold it in?

I can't really tell I'm getting to the overflow point. The anger is just always there, right under the surface, but there doesn't seem to be that much of a warning. When I *do* feel the warning, I warn the kids. . . .. "I'm getting very angry. You need to leave me alone for a bit right now." There is no 'slide' between the anger and the rage. I actually started to talk nicely and calmly to ds, and, right in the middle of the sentence, it just went off. :blush :blush

Does your son understand the reasoning behind why you ask his help for a chore? That maybe you would do it yourself, but this one small thing you ask him to do means a whole lot to you and why.
Well, I don't ask much of them. . .at all. Mostly just their own messes and cleaning up their toys and rooms and such (taking out trash, bringing down the dirty clothes. . .things like that). I really have enough trying to clean the kitchen and other basic stuff (laundry, cooking, etc.), and I do not think it unreasonable in the least to get them to pick up *their* messes and toys. . . . . .they are 5, 9, and 11. I remember doing all kinds of other chores when I was that age. . .. . . my mom ad 4 girls, and the house was always spic and span. ...she made it her life that it stayed that way. :( And, it fuels the anger. . .. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in the least. . . they do 'less' than other children their ages. . . in *everything*.

[Chris3jam]

And I do take very good food supplements (a lot for the Multiple Sclerosis, so it includes a lot of B's, and cal-mag and all sorts of other stuff). I'm *trying* to deal with the fact that I cannot make it happen the way I feel I should, and this totally fuels the frustration .. . which fuels the anger. . .. . :cry :cry :cry

[GrowingInGrace]

Do you suspect something more going on with your child's...um, spiritedness? No, I don't think it's unreasonable to be asked to do one thing either. But I also have gone through a very trying year with my almost 4 yo for issues similar to the window, and she has also been the one to refuse the most about helping out around the house. "I'm too tired, I can't" was what she always used to say. And it seemed she reacted to things more over the top than I would have expected. So much to the point that I have tried to get her evaluated for it. But, I didn't get very far on Friday, because she refused to do anything, just sat there fearfully during her evaluation. I need to have a talk with her preschool teacher tomorrow about that, to watch dd's progress carefully.

This whole window incident is a LOT like what my dd2 would do. But she was 3, not 9.

I want to suggest that something more is going on, bigger than what simple discipline (GBD or otherwise) would cover. That kind of reaction to a misunderstanding about the window speaks to me that there is more going on.

You may want to think about that for a while. Maybe there is more going on than just "you" aren't doing things right. It seems that you have the scripts right to handle a situation, but it's not working because the child is not responding to it. Or because you are sliding in and out of anger, the children are learning that it's acceptable to react first, and think later.

If the vitamins aren't doing the trick, then I would seek help in other areas. With your doctor, because you are in a stress-filled situation and not coping well with it, and also maybe with family counseling, to help all members of the family work together. Quite possibly an evaluation for your children if the family counseling doesn't work or if the counselor thinks there may be something real to look into with the children.

I'm just throwing these ideas out there. These are things I'd look into if the current way isn't working out...

:hug2

[katiekind]

Hey Chris,

I don't know what to say, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Rage is horrible to feel. I remember dealing with it on a few occasions, it shocked me so much to see that under my well-behaved exterior I was capable of such ugly feelings--towards the people closest to me. What really disturbed me was picturing my sons carrying that forward to another generation and treating my grandchildren to the kind of tongue-lashing I dealt out in that moment of rage. :bheart That really cemented my determination to stop it, to not give in to the feelings, and to work at getting at the underlying issues that were pushing the emotions.

You mentioned you have had some appliance breakdowns--between unexpected problems like that and illness -- these things can really push a good momma to the edge and beyond.

:hug2 Praying for you. I liked your solution of finding an adult buddy for your son to sit with on Sunday mornings when you're preoccupied. That was a creative way to solve the issue. Way to go!

[MarynMunchkins]

Back now. :) I'm going to be my usual blunt self.

Of COURSE you are angry. You are dealing with a debilitating disease. It's painful and you are watching things that you used to be able to do slip away from you. Your dh is unhelpful and unsympathetic. He doesn't support your food choices, which help you feel better. He doesn't meet your emotional needs, and he doesn't support your intellectual decisions. You deal with children 24 hours a day. You know at least one of them has medical issues, but have chosen to leave them unmedicated because of previous experience. You have chosen not use the easier methods of parenting, instead dedicating yourself to non-violence. It takes more work. :yes You live in an area where spanking and punishment is the norm, and attend a church that encourages it. You are surrounded by legalism and the appearance of perfection.

And you are left feeling overwhelmed and like a failure. :(

The only things that you can influence here are the kids. You can't heal yourself; you can't change the church; and you can't make dh change at all. The only thing left is the kids. Of course you want compliance and understanding from them. :hug But they can't give it to you.

I love you. I've been in your area. I been in your church. I know the people, and I know how being surrounded with that WEARS YOU DOWN. :( It's exhausting. You need more than that. So, once again, I really think you should find a counselor. You are worth it, and you need it. :hug :hug :hug

[forty-two]

But, see, when I have to deal with this garbage day in and day out. . .. . . the cup seems to get pretty full pretty fast. ... . adding leaky dishwashers and malfunctioning washers and all the other sorts of "normal daily living" just. . . . it just is. . . . hard. It's hard trying to hold on to your emotions and reactions, when all you do want to do is "beat the devil" out of them. :cry

Can you tell when you are reaching your limit before you lose it? Or is it fine, fine, fine, explode - with it being as much a surprise to you as to everyone else?

As well, in the situations in which you feel anger, but don't let it affect your actions: Do you feel your anger is proportionate to the situation that caused it? Or is it as disproportionate as your anger when you finally lose it, only you manage to hold it in?

I can't really tell I'm getting to the overflow point. The anger is just always there, right under the surface, but there doesn't seem to be that much of a warning. When I *do* feel the warning, I warn the kids. . . .. "I'm getting very angry. You need to leave me alone for a bit right now." There is no 'slide' between the anger and the rage. I actually started to talk nicely and calmly to ds, and, right in the middle of the sentence, it just went off. :blush :blush


I think your analogy of a cup overflowing is a good one. A cup has a finite size. Some things add issues to your cup, in varying amounts: kids misbehaving; you being tired, or hungry, or hurting; household appliances breaking down, etc. Other things can remove issues from your cup (I'm just guessing and projecting myself here): prayer, reading the Bible, playing on the computer, reading, snuggling with dh or dc, dh/dc doing something nice for you, etc. Ideally, you want to make sure there are at least as many activities that can *reduce* the level in your cup going on as things that *raise* the level in your cup.

Part of what I'm hearing you say is that, when things happen, you hold the anger in and it is added to your cup, but then it is never released. I think one of the key issues here is that you need to find a better way to empty the cup than to let it overflow. Figure out what things energize you - that are doable while you are with your kids - and try to do these things throughout the day, to keep emptying your cup, so that at any given time there is room to have another thing added to it. You might have to make that a priority: if you get 5 minutes of free time, spend it doing something that energizes you instead of cleaning, or any of a number of other things that need doing but saps yet more energy (unless cleaning or whatnot energizes you! Which would be a very helpful thing, indeed :))

And if there are some issues that are just going to overflow your cup no matter how empty it may be, then it would be worth your while to try to identify them and come up with alternate solutions to derail them before they start (getting someone to sit with your son so you don't have to worry about him while trying to run sound/ppt is a good idea).

[Iveyrock]

Back now. :) I'm going to be my usual blunt self.

Of COURSE you are angry. You are dealing with a debilitating disease. It's painful and you are watching things that you used to be able to do slip away from you. Your dh is unhelpful and unsympathetic. He doesn't support your food choices, which help you feel better. He doesn't meet your emotional needs, and he doesn't support your intellectual decisions. You deal with children 24 hours a day. You know at least one of them has medical issues, but have chosen to leave them unmedicated because of previous experience. You have chosen not use the easier methods of parenting, instead dedicating yourself to non-violence. It takes more work. :yes You live in an area where spanking and punishment is the norm, and attend a church that encourages it. You are surrounded by legalism and the appearance of perfection.

And you are left feeling overwhelmed and like a failure. :(

The only things that you can influence here are the kids. You can't heal yourself; you can't change the church; and you can't make dh change at all. The only thing left is the kids. Of course you want compliance and understanding from them. :hug But they can't give it to you.

I love you. I've been in your area. I been in your church. I know the people, and I know how being surrounded with that WEARS YOU DOWN. :( It's exhausting. You need more than that. So, once again, I really think you should find a counselor. You are worth it, and you need it. :hug :hug :hug

yup, this pretty much sums it up.

[OpalsMom]

Yeah, what Mary said. You're angry not because something is wrong with you but because anger is an appropriate response to your situation. Your kids misbehave not because something is wrong with you but because it's an appropriate response to their situation.
You need real, serious support in figuring out how to change the situation.

[ladymama]

:hug I wanted to add that I know a few mamas with MS in my area, and mood swings/anger seems to go hand-in-hand with the disease. I second the suggestion of a drs. visit, and possible anti-anxiety meds. I should be on them all the time but :shrug no money. For me, Zoloft works really well, takes the edge off of the constant anxiety and actually lets me see what bothers me. Also check into food allergies. I noticed when we went dairy free for my intolerant dd *I* felt much better, so maybe there could be some dietary connections, too.

ETA: also check into food allergies for your dc, your son sounds exactly like my dd on milk!

[Dandelion]

Although I don't really know your situation, it does sound like you have some legitimate reasons to feel angry :hugheart. I have struggled quite a bit with anger and the consequences created by venting it in inappropriate ways. I feel like my ability to love and discipline my children is often warped by my rage and my angry reactions to their bad behavior. I would encourage you to seek out some resources, if you haven't already, that help you to process your anger in a godly way. One that really helped me was called Be Angry and Don't Blow It (or something like that) by Lisa Bevere. She changed the way that I viewed anger and rage. I'll be praying that God gives you wisdom and peace and self control...

[milkmommy]

:hugheart I agree with Mary and what Rene said..
Deanna

[Katigre]

:hugheart ITA with Renee and Mary.

I wish I could tell you a perfect discipline strategy, or a supplement, or a book to read - something that would fix the problems you are having neatly and easily and quickly. But I can't -

The issues in your life and with your children will not be fixed through supplements or diet changes.

I think that the anger and rage issues you are feeling go way beyond your present situation and also stem from issues from your past that have not been properly dealt with or healed. All of that junk, pressed down for years and years, compounded with the daily junk now...the anger and rage is always simmering and ready to overflow at any moment. Your children are inheriting this legacy.

Unless/until you are able to get into good, quality counseling to work through these issues, along with being able to separate from the spiritually toxic environment in which you live, and figure out ways to help your kids as well, things will continue down this path of chaos.

I wish it was not so :cry.

[Maggie]

I think you've gotten a lot of words of wisdom: I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. :hugheart :pray4

I think depression also fuels anger, doesn't it? Something else counseling would help with. :hug2

[Granola_mom]

Well, blood sugar doesn't seem to be a trigger. I wish it were that simple. This rage can happen anytime.. . .. the anger is constant.


Of course it can happen anytime... Your stress is high..(ie...pushing the limits children, unhelpful husband...) and you have a very debilitating illness.
YOU CAN BE A LOVING, GENTLE MOTHER. That is how JESUS created you!

I URGE you, search the scriptures, get on your face before the Lord....talk to Him about you anger.... NOTHING is impossible with God!!

Just a simple topical research on anger in the bible....focus on those verses, every day, read them. Put them up on your walls. Remind yourself of them always. God said in His word......."be tranformed by the renewing of your mind"....and He said "everything for life and godliness is in the scripture".....also "Arm yourself with the sword of the spirit, which is the Word of God"....

And the sword being the word of God is how you combat the forces of the devil......which are very real and very much try to destory each and every one of us..... Know the words Jesus spoke to break down anger......We are to be conformed to Him.....no it doesn't happen over night, rather over a lifetime of mess-ups. He knows your pain. And the answer is in His word. I really feel strongly about what I'm saying. I pray Jesus will completely work in your heart and in your family's life.....

:pray4 Jesus be here with my sister in Christ, strengthen her and give her confidence in the life you have called...... Lord, I call out and come to you with boldness... break the chains that surround her pain....God lift her up to become the godly woman you have called her to be. In Jesus precious name. Amen

Put on the armor of God..... you know..... Sword of the spirit, breastplate of righteousness, gird your loins with truth, shoes of peace, shield of faith...to quench the firey darts of satan.... and the Helmet of salvation....to know you are secure... :heart

[GrowingInGrace]

Chris - I hope you are doing okay. I see you haven't replied in a little while. I hope you also don't feel so alone. We all want to help, but there's only praying that we can do right now. Something has got to give a little in your situation (and I don't mean you). You need support, love and understanding. I pray that God can show you which direction you need to go for your family.

I failed really big time today in my own way. I struggled with my anger, it won, and I hurt my dd without thinking of what I was doing. I didn't mean to, but the simple fact that it happened indicates to me that solutions need to be found, and sooner rather than later. Some issues are just bigger than we have the ability to deal with. We need more support than we are getting.

Please Chris, stop trying to do it all on your own. You deserve to get more support and help than you are getting. Please take the advice to seek counseling, and no, not by your church especially if they are part of the problem. I mean a real, honest to goodness therapist who can help you gain insight and emotional strength and who will help repair your self-worth so you can move ahead and make the decisions that seem so difficult right now. I pray right now that the right one will be put in your path so you can move forward.

[TraceMama]

Chris,

I realize I'm arriving a bit late at your post, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying and that I completely understand your OP. :hug2

Thank you for your honesty. :) You've been given some good suggestions that many of us could use.

I hope you're doing okay. :heart

[Chris3jam]

Chris - I hope you are doing okay.

Yes, yes. Thanks. :heart I'm just mulling over things. . . . thinking about things. . . . trying to figure out the things I have actual control over and change. . . . if I mention anything about 'special issues' to dh (or if I would mention them at church), I would get that "it's a sin issue." :( I've briefly mentioned things to their ped. . . . but, he feels no cause for any concern. Of course, he also didn't see concern over J's crossed eye (I went above the referral and got him seen, which resulted in the surgery he needed), nor did he see concern in A's hearing loss (slight, but there), saying it's not enough to cause problems. Doc. just says it's immaturity. Whatever. Whatever. I did learn *a lot* with my oldest son, who had a virtual *book* full of disorders. . . ADHD, seizures, etc., so I am trying to put into practice all that I learned with him (behaviour modification, etc.). It's just hard. .. and sometimes I just. .. I just. . . . snap. :(

[GrowingInGrace]

Then I will pray your husband comes out of denial and sees what he needs to see, because right now, he is your biggest obstacle when he should be your ally here.

[2inHeaven2inMontana]

Just wanted to give you a big (((HUG)))
I had some very stressful months soon after we brought our boys home. My dh got hepatitis A for 3 months and for a while I thought he was going to die, cuz nothing they were doing was helping and he was going crazy..(honestly). We had no money, two new babies, and were all sick. My stress was over the top and I reacted in anger to my children quite a few times. The horrible guilt I'd feel only made it worse and I felt like I was a terrible mother. I am now soo relieved to find out that it wasn't totally me, but that I had a crazy amount of stress to deal with. Now that life is getting more normal, my dh is healthy and my children and I are healthy I actually am having fun with them and do not react in anger nearly as much (and when I do, it isn't nearly as bad).
I just wanted to tell you that... because I know the guilt over being such an awful mother only makes it worse, and you are not an awful mother. I think that if most of the stressful things in your life weren't there you would do a lot better. I hope that encouraged you just a tiny bit... Here is another ((HUG))
ps. could/would you consider leaving the church? even for a while? I know the negativity of legalism can just be too much at times...