GrowingInGrace
09-10-2007, 06:57 AM
Okay, I hope I can clarify what I mean by using two examples that were brought up yesterday at my dd2's birthday party.
Issue #1:
I made dd3 (2.5) a snack before the meal was ready. Baby carrots and dip, two cherry tomatoes cut in half, and some french bread a butter. Dd3 ate most of 1 carrot, and a few bites of the bread, and she was done. My mother wanted dd to come back and eat all of it. I know she was more interested in what was going on that the food. My mother said, "well, you get nothing more until all this is gone". I'm like, we are going to have the meal in about 20 minutes, I didn't sweat the fact that she didn't eat all of it, but enough to curb her hunger for a bit. When it came time for the meal, she looked at the food I gave her: some chicken pieces, some watermelon, and cut up meatball. She pushed it aside, and said "eeew, yucky". She's been doing that a lot lately, being really finicky, and saying "eeewww yucky" to just about anything I put in front of her. And of course, she knew it was a birthday party and knew cake would be served. She would have preferred to skip the meal and gone straight for the cake (wouldn't we all?).
I can't "make" her eat, right? I can only put down some choices but I can't force her to eat, right? If she chooses not to eat, do I have to look stern at her, use a "mean" voice, and make her sit until she eats? And eventually, she did eat a meatball when MIL got her to eat one.
And about the dessert issue (when we actually have dessert - it's not an everday thing). How do I handle the fact that two of my girls will usuall eat enough to get the dessert, but dd3 doesn't. If I bring out the dessert, it's all over. There's no way dd3 will eat dinner while the other two are eating dessert in front of her. But is it fair to delay dessert for the other two. So far, I say yes. It's just easier than dealing with the fallout.
Issue #2:
I can't make dd1(5.5) and dd2 (4) address adults when they don't feel comfortable doing so. Many people find it very strange and rude they won't answer them when they even try to make small talk with them. There shyness prevents them from doing so. They talk to those whom they feel comfortable with. They talk to dh and I, MIL and aunt in law, and my sister. But they all are made to feel comfortable by us (MIL and aunts act silly, try to encourage them to come out of their shells. And they are fun to be around). It was crystal clear to my mother yesterday why my dds open up around my ILs - they work harder to meet them on their level. They fully engage with them, they are fun and silly. My mother commented on this. She said something to the effect of "no wonder why they are the way they are (I'm not sure exactly what she was getting at, but I think it was too accustomed to being too "needy" for attention) because they get attention showered upon them by my ILs.
It's an extension of my mothers feelings about how adults should leave kids alone. Don't meet them on their level. She's constantly asking me if my kids know how to play by themselves without my involvement (yes, of course they can). And she used to constantly criticize me for keeping my kids "in arms". They are the way they are - too clingy and frightened of their own shadows - because of the attention they get.
I think now she sees my dds as being rude and thinks I should "make" them address whomever is speaking to them. Because some day not doing so will get them into trouble in school (for instance if they don't address the teacher or the principal if they ever got into trouble). And she thinks they are "at risk" for social problems and keeps harping on it because they refuse to speak to most adults. My sister said my dd2 was just being stubborn and rude for not speaking when spoken to, because it's obvious she does speak to my MIL and aunt in law, but not to anyone else.
I don't even know how to address it with the dds. I mean, I've been trying to tell them it's okay and important to talk with their grandparents and aunts, the principal at school, etc, without pressuring them to ignore their gut feeling if they don't feel comfortable talking. I don't want to extinguish that gut feeling, but they do need to try to be a little bit respectful too. And I absolutely refuse to continue making my dds uncomfortable by forcing them to speak if after the first one or two attempts to get them to say even a simple "hello or thank you" doesn't work. I try two times at most, then I say thank you for them. Part of me doesn't care if they think my kids are rude, but part of me wants to help them overcome some of their shyness.
And I do realize that they could be right by saying my dds are stubborn, but I think that will serve them well in the future if they don't buckle under pressure to do something they aren't comfortable with (I'm thinking of the teenage years when peer pressure is at the max). My mother said snottily when I said just as much, "don't be too certain of that, just wait until the teenage years and you'll see".
What do you all think of these two issues?
Issue #1:
I made dd3 (2.5) a snack before the meal was ready. Baby carrots and dip, two cherry tomatoes cut in half, and some french bread a butter. Dd3 ate most of 1 carrot, and a few bites of the bread, and she was done. My mother wanted dd to come back and eat all of it. I know she was more interested in what was going on that the food. My mother said, "well, you get nothing more until all this is gone". I'm like, we are going to have the meal in about 20 minutes, I didn't sweat the fact that she didn't eat all of it, but enough to curb her hunger for a bit. When it came time for the meal, she looked at the food I gave her: some chicken pieces, some watermelon, and cut up meatball. She pushed it aside, and said "eeew, yucky". She's been doing that a lot lately, being really finicky, and saying "eeewww yucky" to just about anything I put in front of her. And of course, she knew it was a birthday party and knew cake would be served. She would have preferred to skip the meal and gone straight for the cake (wouldn't we all?).
I can't "make" her eat, right? I can only put down some choices but I can't force her to eat, right? If she chooses not to eat, do I have to look stern at her, use a "mean" voice, and make her sit until she eats? And eventually, she did eat a meatball when MIL got her to eat one.
And about the dessert issue (when we actually have dessert - it's not an everday thing). How do I handle the fact that two of my girls will usuall eat enough to get the dessert, but dd3 doesn't. If I bring out the dessert, it's all over. There's no way dd3 will eat dinner while the other two are eating dessert in front of her. But is it fair to delay dessert for the other two. So far, I say yes. It's just easier than dealing with the fallout.
Issue #2:
I can't make dd1(5.5) and dd2 (4) address adults when they don't feel comfortable doing so. Many people find it very strange and rude they won't answer them when they even try to make small talk with them. There shyness prevents them from doing so. They talk to those whom they feel comfortable with. They talk to dh and I, MIL and aunt in law, and my sister. But they all are made to feel comfortable by us (MIL and aunts act silly, try to encourage them to come out of their shells. And they are fun to be around). It was crystal clear to my mother yesterday why my dds open up around my ILs - they work harder to meet them on their level. They fully engage with them, they are fun and silly. My mother commented on this. She said something to the effect of "no wonder why they are the way they are (I'm not sure exactly what she was getting at, but I think it was too accustomed to being too "needy" for attention) because they get attention showered upon them by my ILs.
It's an extension of my mothers feelings about how adults should leave kids alone. Don't meet them on their level. She's constantly asking me if my kids know how to play by themselves without my involvement (yes, of course they can). And she used to constantly criticize me for keeping my kids "in arms". They are the way they are - too clingy and frightened of their own shadows - because of the attention they get.
I think now she sees my dds as being rude and thinks I should "make" them address whomever is speaking to them. Because some day not doing so will get them into trouble in school (for instance if they don't address the teacher or the principal if they ever got into trouble). And she thinks they are "at risk" for social problems and keeps harping on it because they refuse to speak to most adults. My sister said my dd2 was just being stubborn and rude for not speaking when spoken to, because it's obvious she does speak to my MIL and aunt in law, but not to anyone else.
I don't even know how to address it with the dds. I mean, I've been trying to tell them it's okay and important to talk with their grandparents and aunts, the principal at school, etc, without pressuring them to ignore their gut feeling if they don't feel comfortable talking. I don't want to extinguish that gut feeling, but they do need to try to be a little bit respectful too. And I absolutely refuse to continue making my dds uncomfortable by forcing them to speak if after the first one or two attempts to get them to say even a simple "hello or thank you" doesn't work. I try two times at most, then I say thank you for them. Part of me doesn't care if they think my kids are rude, but part of me wants to help them overcome some of their shyness.
And I do realize that they could be right by saying my dds are stubborn, but I think that will serve them well in the future if they don't buckle under pressure to do something they aren't comfortable with (I'm thinking of the teenage years when peer pressure is at the max). My mother said snottily when I said just as much, "don't be too certain of that, just wait until the teenage years and you'll see".
What do you all think of these two issues?