I need consequences but am hitting a wall

[mellymommy]

Okay, so my kids have a VERY hard time listening. I HATE it!!! I 5-step a million times a day for the same 2 things. I'm thinking that there are natural or logical consequences for these behaviors but I worry I am being too hard or illogical.

DD is 3 next week and ds is 4.5.

SITUATIONS:

--We have an elliptical machine in the family room (we are moving it this weekend to the "adult room"/office) and they CONSTANTLY climb on it. We don't allow them to do that because they can get hurt or break the machine. I 5-step probably 7-12 times a day for this offense. I was thinking that every time they climb on it, they have to clean it. Does that sound right?

--DS YELLS in my face ALL the time. I tell him that I see he is angry but he may not yell in my face; that he may tell me he is angry and we can talk things through. Sometimes I separate myself from him and tell him that when he is ready to talk calmly then I am ready to talk, too, but he may not yell at me. I don't know what to do for this!!


HELP!!! Sometimes by 2pm I can't STAND my son and I don't want to feel that way.

[Tanyia]

For the elliptical, I would not 5 step...they already know the steps and the 'rule'. I would go to them and remove them (of course you're still going to do it 100 times a day) cuz it's sooo interesting to them. Definitely moving it out of their touch will help that one. The yelling in my face, would really get me. We haven't hit his age yet so I'm not sure what would be 'appropriate' but it seems like 5 stepping them through that one over and over is also giving too much room

[mamaKristin]

I would skip the 5 steps, and just remove them while saying "not for climbing" At their ages though, it's hard to resist the 'big, big toy' in the room. It would seem to me that if you don't want them touching the machine, having them clean it isn't fully logical, and seems punitive.

As for the yelling in your face, what is he yelling about? Is it something specific? If my child were yelling in my face, I would hold up my hand and say "I will not tolerate you yelling at me, you may come speak to me when you are using an appropriate tone of voice" and walk away. As well, I would do some coaching about what an appropriate tone of voice sounds like, and help give scripts of how to voice displeasure without yelling. Really, the consequence for yelling in mommy's face is that mommy won't want to listen to you right now.

Bigger issue here, though, seems to be your frustration. Given their ages, listening won't be their best trait. ;) With some things, if they are ongoing issues, it may be worth looking at how to set them up for success better. Like removing the oh-so-tempting elliptical from the room, which is great to help them. I know if you left a cheesecake in the room with me, I would have a hard time not touching it :shifty 4.5 year olds are great at pushing boundaries, and like to know that your words have meaning. In our home, when that happens, I tend to skip steps of the 5 steps, to show that my words do have meaning, particularly with issues that keep coming up over and over (for us, it was jumping on the couch)

[mellymommy]

I would skip the 5 steps, and just remove them while saying "not for climbing" At their ages though, it's hard to resist the 'big, big toy' in the room. It would seem to me that if you don't want them touching the machine, having them clean it isn't fully logical, and seems punitive.

As for the yelling in your face, what is he yelling about? Is it something specific? If my child were yelling in my face, I would hold up my hand and say "I will not tolerate you yelling at me, you may come speak to me when you are using an appropriate tone of voice" and walk away. As well, I would do some coaching about what an appropriate tone of voice sounds like, and help give scripts of how to voice displeasure without yelling. Really, the consequence for yelling in mommy's face is that mommy won't want to listen to you right now.

Bigger issue here, though, seems to be your frustration. Given their ages, listening won't be their best trait. ;) With some things, if they are ongoing issues, it may be worth looking at how to set them up for success better. Like removing the oh-so-tempting elliptical from the room, which is great to help them. I know if you left a cheesecake in the room with me, I would have a hard time not touching it :shifty 4.5 year olds are great at pushing boundaries, and like to know that your words have meaning. In our home, when that happens, I tend to skip steps of the 5 steps, to show that my words do have meaning, particularly with issues that keep coming up over and over (for us, it was jumping on the couch)


SO much of what you so is jumping out at me!!! I didn't think about the "no touching" rule and then making them wash the elliptical being counterproductive. I didn't know if it was punitive. I mean, they do get it dirty with their grimy feet, but that is not WHY I want them to stay off. We are moving the elliptical this weekend to help eliminate that frustration.

I think I talk too much to my kids. I follow up with action, but some days I feel like I am talking to them non-stop!! I always want to make sure they understand and I think they have learned already to tune me out because I am always going over and over the same things.

My son yells about anything that makes him angry...dd singing too loud for his liking, me saying "no" to chocolate milk, the carrots on the wrong side of the plate, the bath not the right temperature, etc. I don't know WHY he has so much anger and why it is all coming out now--3 months ago he was NOT this angry. I am at a total loss for the yelling. I feel like I am modeling a calm, healthy tone, giving him scripts, and reflecting his emotions, but I am missing what he needs somehow. I'm just sick over it. This morning I got home from an early morning workout and he was crying from an angry breakdown with dh already. I wanted to get back in the car and leave. I feel so drained by him. I love him and want to help him but I don't know what to do for him. :cry

[marathonmom]

:hug

I think you are on the right track to move the machine. :tu

As far as the yelling, is there a particular time of day, or is it all day? Does it happen more when he is hungry or tired?

We used to tell dd "I don't respond to that. Say, xxxxxxx " She still is loud sometimes (she's now 5.5). She has a bright
future as a town crier announcing the news I think.

Sorry not to be more help...