Gagh! Food issues! Question for Joanne

[GodisGood]

Several months ago you articulated accuratly an issue that many of us share with getting our children to eat what is in front of them or at the very least pleasantly try foods. What success have you had at home? I am going bonkers here and threatening all kids of evils just to get my boys to eat a chicken nugget that doesn't look like abc's or xyz's. It is not an option for me to make 12 different meals a day and my children cause all sorts of humilliation and embarassment at friends houses (e.d. turning up their noses at "different hot dogs" and eating all the crackers in one's house). I really just want to chuck them in the garbage can when it comes to meals. Help me out here.

Oh and I ask that there be no posts about letting them eat whatever and how wonderful your children eat and how you've chosen not to make it an issue.. I need concret answers here.

Thanks

[GodChick]

:popcorn

i totally need help with this too. :hugheart

[crunchymum]

:yes2 :popcorn

[Havilah]

:popcorn

[Amber]

I'm not Joanne, but I do have a very picky eater and have had to make some changes in the way we dealt with food for my own sanity. I had been letting Cole (3yrs) snack pretty much whenever he wanted and if he didn't like dinner I would fix him something he did like. But it was turning into a huge battle and he would change his mind 3 times about what he wanted after I had made the food or ask for a snack shortly after refusing dinner. So we changed things.

Now I offer meals and snacks at regular times. I just make one meal. I make sure that there is at least one thing that he likes to eat at each meal. If he doesn't want to eat, fine, I will wrap up his plate and stick it in the fridge. If he asks for food before the next snack time I offer him the leftovers otherwise he can wait until snack time. I also make sure that our snacks are snack sized, so that he isn't filling up on them and not hungry when meals roll around. I keep some yogurt smoothies on hand too, so that if he refuses dinner I can give him a smoothie before bed (he sleeps better if he has eaten something ;))

It is working fairly well for us. The first couple of days there was some resistance. But he no longer constantly asks for snacks. And if he doesn't eat then that is his choice.

[Joanne]

I wish I had some answers for you.

Or at least some good ones.

I've mostly adopted a "eat what's offered or starve" strategy. I've gone over and role played public behavior. If my kids declined kid food at another person's home or establishment, I'd leave. But that's why my kids and at their ages. If they can't deal with a different kind of nugget or hot dog, they can go hungry *and* not participate socially.

My kids have learned that I will NOT tolerate them not eating somewhere and then come home and eat. Not when I've paid for food or a hostess offered reasonable food.

If they don't eat much of what I make, I tell them that the "kitchen is closed" for you, even if that means until the next morning.

It hasn't happened yet, but if there was "need food related" bad behavior as a result of not eating reasonable food, I'd isolate the child from the rest of us.

I *really* wish I had done things differently.

[Mama Rophe]

We were having some issues with our 3 yo. We read "Green Eggs and Ham" and talked about how the guy said he wouldn't like/try it, but he never even tried it. Once he tried them he liked them. It took some time, and lots of reminders of that story but he finaly started at least trying foods.

I personaly don't like the eat it or starve approach. However, if they don't like what is in front of them, I offer ONE alternative(like PB&J or something simple). If they don't want that either it's their choice. Now my kids are 3 and 1 so not able to get up and make something for themselves yet. Once they are they may make something different if they dont' like what is served.

[Ali]

I try to make one thing my DS likes at every meal, but he is to try a bite of everything else before he eats the parts he likes. We've been doing this for almost a year and it has definitely expanded his list of foods he likes. Sometimes he gets really upset about trying and I take him to his room to calm down and then we come out and try again. Since we've had some amount of success, I'm sticking with this plan for now.

[GodisGood]

I've mostly adopted a "eat what's offered or starve" strategy. I've gone over and role played public behavior. If my kids declined kid food at another person's home or establishment, I'd leave. But that's why my kids and at their ages. If they can't deal with a different kind of nugget or hot dog, they can go hungry *and* not participate socially.


Can you offer roll playing advice? My boys are 6.5, 4, and 2. One of my issues is that my 4 and 2 year old generally eat whatever, but big bro has taught them some "ewwwwwwww", etc habits!

My kids have learned that I will NOT tolerate them not eating somewhere and then come home and eat.

What words to you use in this situation? My 4yr old seems to get me to the point where I've repeated myself so much I'm purple with gritting my teeth so I'm not screaming at him to "shut up and listen to what I'm saying!"

[Joanne]

Can you offer roll playing advice? My boys are 6.5, 4, and 2. One of my issues is that my 4 and 2 year old generally eat whatever, but big bro has taught them some "ewwwwwwww", etc habits!


How do you respond to big bro about this? If it were me, I'd remove kids from the table for being rude and unkind to the cook, hostess, Mom, etc.

As for role playing, I'd create a pretend party, meal, outing and practice scripted behavior. I'd have them practice taking a bite, saying "no thank you" nicely. I'd show them what "polite" looks like.

What words to you use in this situation? My 4yr old seems to get me to the point where I've repeated myself so much I'm purple with gritting my teeth so I'm not screaming at him to "shut up and listen to what I'm saying!"

"We are going somewhere with food. I expect you to eat. If you don't eat, know that you will not be able to eat at home instead. This is your meal opportunity. A choice not to eat is a choice to wait until the next meal." Have them repeat back in their own words the idea.

[GodisGood]

"We are going somewhere with food. I expect you to eat. If you don't eat, know that you will not be able to eat at home instead. This is your meal opportunity. A choice not to eat is a choice to wait until the next meal." Have them repeat back in their own words the idea.

How does this look at home? Tonight I am serving meatballs and a few other items. I'll hear it about the meatballs I'm sure. I've resorted to telling them they have to eat 2 or 3 and then they may move on.

[GodisGood]

Oh and my 6.5 year old has spent A LOT of time away for the table for being rude. I don't know what to do though once he is able to join us. Still have him eat or nothing?

[Marsha]

Our dd just turned five, and we are starting the "this is what is for dinner, deal with it" type thing. I used to just let her eat whenever. But I guess sometimes you just sense when they can step up and need a shove.

I would say it's going swimmingly though. It bothers me cause she does have low blood sugar crashes, craves sweets and crunchy carbs, and has only eaten dinner once this week.

[GodisGood]

:yes2 That's my 4yr old right now. Upstairs until we're done and with hardly any lunch and no dinner. I feel like an AP/GBD failure.

[Amber]

:yes2 That's my 4yr old right now. Upstairs until we're done and with hardly any lunch and no dinner. I feel like an AP/GBD failure.

You aren't a failure. They are choosing not to eat or to be rude at the table. It is really hard, at least for me, to not take it personally when they reject something that I worked to cook. When I would take it personally then I would get angry and punative. I have to remind myself alot that this is *his* choice, I can't force him to eat. It helps a little that my youngest eats pretty much anything I put in front of him, and with gusto. We have dealt with food the same way with both boys...one is picky, one is piggy :giggle

[ArmsOfLove]

Oh and my 6.5 year old has spent A LOT of time away for the table for being rude. I don't know what to do though once he is able to join us. Still have him eat or nothing?
I would make this an opportunity to make amends and practice better behavior. I would not take food away from a child that young. At the same time, it's okay to have mealtime boundaries :tu

[milkmommy]

As most know I have a DD with severe eatting issues (though Crystal will argue with me :lol ;)) Were still trying to fiugure out a balance. I need need her to eat her not eatting results on a "good" day her melting down over every tiny thing and raging on a bad day she convulses and passes out and we end up in the ER :(
I try for the most part to feed her what we are having but make it as friendly to her as possible. SO like say were having spaghetti with meat sauce salad and Garlic bread. She will eat the pasta she might eat some meat but no sauce and she'll eat the bread no salad so I put on her plate some pasta some meat no sauce some bread and a tiny bit of salad. I totaly expect that she'll if anything eat the pasta and meat and likely the bread. and the salad will remain untouched. I try to encourage her but try also not to worry too much... I alos don't mind adding say a piece of fruit or a veggie (umm carrots) to her plate but totally creating all new meals every time no. I don't have the time or money. Now if I'm sure she doesn't like it :shrug.
The biggest hep has been divided plates no just bento type buy just divided stuff seperating all foods has helped a lot.
I wish I could say offering certain foods consistanctly for YEARS has at least gotten her to try it... nope :giggle :/
:hugheart

Deanna

[BeckaBlue]

i have atleast 1 thing that my kids do like with each meal, it doesnt offer them a full meal, but it offers them food :shrug
my girls *have* to eat a bite of everything offered (i dont have an issue w/ ds trying anything/everything)
tonight we had tacos...and different presentations worked best for them...they were sure they'd hate them, kenzie ended up eating 2 regular, she liked havign to crank her head sideways :giggle, abbey ended up making hers a taco salad, and ate it completely, it was easier to get it in her mouth without a huge mess. i knew though to not put lettuce on kenzies, or sour cream on abbeys or they wouldnt even try them, there's certain set-ups that just arent worth ruining a meal for, and to do that would've ruined a meal :shrug
I did leftovers in the fridge for awhile...now i only do that if they haven't tried the food, otherwise they can drink water to fill their tummies till it's time for a snack or a meal (a way to get my oldest to drink water regularly :tu)
i also figure if after multiple tries they still claim to not like the food, i dont make them eat it, and it pretty much goes off the dinner list unless i have to, and then they can have a sandwich. i have never changed my mind about sweet potatos...in fat every 'exposure' my reaction has gotten worse...there was a hint in some mashed potatoes a few years ago at cracker barrell and i threw up :shrug nobody likes everything, i felt very similar when i had lentil soup only i didnt actually vomit, just gagged a bit) but there's not been enough that they *still* didnt like after multiple tries that its really hindered our dinner possibilities.

[mamaKristin]

Oh and my 6.5 year old has spent A LOT of time away for the table for being rude. I don't know what to do though once he is able to join us. Still have him eat or nothing?
I would make this an opportunity to make amends and practice better behavior. I would not take food away from a child that young. At the same time, it's okay to have mealtime boundaries :tu


My oldest (5 1/4) was being terribly rude night before last, during the whole meal. He was testing every boundary. Finally, during dessert, I said "I am frustrated by your behavior. You may get down from the table now and come back to finish your yogurt once everyone else is done eating, because we are tired of watching you act this way" He still ate, but just while his sisters had a bath, and I was clearing the table. We had a nice chat about what are appropriate things to do to get your sisters to laugh at the table, and our last two nights were better (mostly, with HIM at least ;))

[PurpleButterfly]

What is wrong with respecting your child's right to decide what to eat or not? :scratch Fill your home with healthy foods and the freedom to choose when and what to eat. Let go of your need to control or try to teach through eating, mamas. There is nothing in the world wrong with choosing not to eat something that is not appealing to you; why would you want to force your child to eat or punish them for following their instincts not to eat? With all resepect, to leave a social setting because someone decides they do not want to eat something that is not appealing is one of the oddest things I've ever heard of. I don't expect any other human on the face of this earth to follow either my personal tastes/expectations or social "graces" with their disgestive systems. :shrug How awful my life would be if someone bigger than me were controlling what and why I eat! :bheart Wouldn't it be nice to eat by your body's needs and instincts, not the clock or someone else's cooking or social schedule? :)

I highly recommend Ellyn Satter's, "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense (http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Feeding-Love-Sense/dp/0923521518)" if you want to learn how to avoid setting your children up for lifetime food/control issues and to learn more about how your own food issues and experiences affect your parenting. :pray :heart

[Joanne]

What is wrong with respecting your child's right to decide what to eat or not? Fill your home with healthy foods and the freedom to choose when and what to eat. Let go of your need to control or try to teach through eating, mamas. There is nothing in the world wrong with choosing not to eat something that is not appealing to you; why would you want to force your child to eat or punish them for following their instincts not to eat? With all resepect, to leave a social setting because someone decides they do not want to eat something that is not appealing is one of the oddest things I've ever heard of. I don't expect any other human on the face of this earth to follow either my personal tastes/expectations or social "graces" with their disgestive systems. How awful my life would be if someone bigger than me were controlling what and why I eat! Wouldn't it be nice to eat by your body's needs and instincts, not the clock or someone else's cooking or social schedule?

Actually, I could not disagree more. I have 3 kids, a husband, inside and outside obligations and a budget. A budget of time and money. Being free form here is a disaster in every way. It's a disaster for our budget. Being low coercion on food here (except for the coercion of my purchases) resulted in picky kids who were prone to being rude in social settings. Allowing substitutes for non favorites lead to a mess, figuratively and literally.

To me, the reality is that social settings often include food choices I have no control over. I expect that people learn to eat and appreciate a variety of foods. I also expect my kids to eat the foods I buy, prepare or pay someone else to make.

Scheduled meals and snacks are the ONLY way it works here.

I feel quite, um, defensive in response to your post. I value different things regarding food, social settings, structure in food than you do. I'm not suggesting you impose more structure as your situation is clearly working for you. I'm suggesting that it's not the only way and there *are* situations that require a different approach.

Ironically, I do agree with your recommendation of Satter. I got different ideas from her book than you did; it must be a matter of perspective.

[Mama Rophe]

What is wrong with respecting your child's right to decide what to eat or not? :scratch Fill your home with healthy foods and the freedom to choose when and what to eat. Let go of your need to control or try to teach through eating, mamas. There is nothing in the world wrong with choosing not to eat something that is not appealing to you; why would you want to force your child to eat or punish them for following their instincts not to eat? With all resepect, to leave a social setting because someone decides they do not want to eat something that is not appealing is one of the oddest things I've ever heard of. I don't expect any other human on the face of this earth to follow either my personal tastes/expectations or social "graces" with their disgestive systems. :shrug How awful my life would be if someone bigger than me were controlling what and why I eat! :bheart Wouldn't it be nice to eat by your body's needs and instincts, not the clock or someone else's cooking or social schedule? :)

I highly recommend Ellyn Satter's, "Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense (http://www.amazon.com/Child-Mine-Feeding-Love-Sense/dp/0923521518)" if you want to learn how to avoid setting your children up for lifetime food/control issues and to learn more about how your own food issues and experiences affect your parenting. :pray :heart


This is exactly how I feel. We are on a budget too and I make this work. :shrug I'm not saying everyone can, but our budget is $54 a week for groceries for four mouths to feed.

[Joanne]

This is exactly how I feel. We are on a budget too and I make this work. I'm not saying everyone can, but our budget is $54 a week for groceries for four mouths to feed.

A 3 and 1 year old aren't comparible, budget wise, to 3 school age kids.

I'm not saying that you'll "change your mind" but that your comparison is invalid. I could *not* make a budget work if I continued to allow free access here.

[Joanne]

Adding one more thing.

I do have a special circumstance. I was making changes before this, but it does effect my choices. My dd is on steriods for her JRA. She *can't* stop her appetite and needs outside imposition to assist her.

But her meds are not the reason I've changed my food style or questioned my earlier choices.

[milkmommy]

What is wrong with respecting your child's right to decide what to eat or not? Fill your home with healthy foods and the freedom to choose when and what to eat.
Can not afford to. Seriously and its no DD thats the issue :shifty If left up to her she would basicalluy never eat. :shifty Its DH I have to have to plan meals snacks ect for all because when I ever don't do this well we totally run out of food in like 3 days and then were up a creek for the rest of the month. Not an exgragration. Actually I wont even shop for more than 3 days worth of food at onceto controll this issue :shifty.
DD cannot have free range like I said earlier she just wont eat not that she will eat junk (her liked foods are fairly healthy) she just wont she also still chocks easily and I have to try my best to regulate her blood sugar. I am trying to teach her to be aware of her bodys needs and hopefully one day I can just have healthy foods but for now its just not possible.

With all resepect, to leave a social setting because someone decides they do not want to eat something that is not appealing is one of the oddest things I've ever heard of.
I'll admit I missed the contact that this was first brought up. Here we worked long and hard on manners. Now she can choose not to eat if so then she can enjoy the converstation I also don't expect her too sit for hours but she can sit say 30 mintues :shrug I don't need to hear how somethings gross disgusting is going to make her dead :/ and if she does decide to act rude then yes she can go to her room till were done. However if she just wasnts to sit behave enjoy the converstation but politly decline the meal well :shrug

Deanna

[ArmsOfLove]

i suspect there may be some talking over one another and mixing of issues going on :think I would not recommend forbidding a young child access to food. I would not dream of telling a child when they are hungry. I do have a regular schedule for making food accessible and if you choose to not eat at that time and there's food left from the previous meal then you may have it--if not then you can wait. Food will be coming again shortly. I guess I'm striking the balance for my family because as they are getting older they are eating more foods and I've weeded out (I think :shifty) all the foods they can't eat and just given up on forcing a few (I'll add some thing to my portion of the meal if I know no one else is going to eat it). I consider it a ministry to present food I know they like or are likely to like and to make sure there is something for everyone in each meal. If they don't want to eat it then I won't force them--I will, however, require they be polite about it and not rude to whoever prepared the meal :shrug And if they made a valiant effort at eating then they can have fruit or some other acceptable option if it's available. I'm not sending them to bed hungry. Still, my older ones have chosen to completely blow off a meal because it wasn't to their liking and they knew to hold their tongue with complaining and wait until the next food presentation (which is scheduled according to cutting off when they get hungry)

[mummy2boys]

What is wrong with respecting your child's right to decide what to eat or not?

I hear you but its not just about the what to eat but the when iykwim? What happens your child says I won't eat this, then about 11pm decides he is hungry now and wants food?? After I am in bed? See there are things that need to be done in most houses which is why we eat at a certain time eat night and I allow snacks up till 4pm (like a piece of fruit or cheese and biscuits) then its nothing till 6pm as otherwise they would fill up then want nothing that I have prepared. I will serve things I know they will eat but if they are in a particular mood and DS #2's ODD is in fine form this could go on and I could make 10 things which he would still not eat. I won't do this and I don't think its a good thing for him to think he can demand when he will choose to eat. I provide the food at a regular time and he then has a choice of how much to eat. I won't force the food on my boys but neither will I allow them to decide that they can eat whenever and whatever they like. I don't think thats setting a good example for them at all.

Does that make sense?

[Peaceful Meadows]

Making food a battle can cause food issues later in life. We encourage our children to try a tiny bit of each food but if they don't like it they don't have to eat it. They just need to try one spoonful. None of my children are picky eaters but my 3 yo did go through a picky phase a month ago. What I did with him is told him that he had to eat what I made or cereal. He sometimes chose what I made and other times chose cereal but it was freeing to him to see that he had some control in the decision. (I think his pickiness came from wanting some control.)

Another thing that I do is involve my children in the menu planning. I plan the menus a month ahead of time and they each get to choose the meals. I believe this helps cut down on pickiness. But really food should not be a battle. Mealtimes are times for peace, conversations, and bonding not fighting.

I hear you but its not just about the what to eat but the when iykwim? What happens your child says I won't eat this, then about 11pm decides he is hungry now and wants food?? After I am in bed?
I would tell my older ones that if they don't like what is served they know how to make a sandwhich or where the fruit is. I would inform them that they need a balanced diet and if they don't like something they can go to the refridgerator and get something that they like that is in the same food group.

My 8 yo sometimes gets hungery in the middle of the night and he knows where the apples are and helps himself to them. I have no problem with that. :shrug We have a relaxed attitude about food and really don't have food issues and I have never had food battles. They have tested me in the past but when they see that I refuse to be drawn in ("I do want you to try one bite, if you don't like it then you can get yourself a food from the same food group that you like.") they either eat the food I prepared or get a healthy alternative. We all have things we like and don't like and our tastes do change so why should it be any different for children? I don't force dh do eat a food he doesn't want to eat so why should I treat my child any different. I just treat it as I would for dh, I don't get the food for them unless they are 3 and under but they are welcome to get it themselves as long as it's healthy.

We really don't have food issues, though. My children eat what I make. Maybe it's because they are involved in the meal planning, maybe it's because they know that I refuse to get drawn in, maybe it's because dh and I are not picky and eat about anything, or maybe it's because we don't have many "snack foods" in the house but rather use fruits and veggies for our snack foods...I don't know. I just know that they pretty much eat what is sat before them. :shrug :yes

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I tend to agree with the position of giving healthy options, letting my child figure out his hunger cues, etc...but I can't help but feel bad for the OP because it's really not what she wanted information on...

Oh and I ask that there be no posts about letting them eat whatever and how wonderful your children eat and how you've chosen not to make it an issue.. I need concret answers here.

[joyful mama]

deleted

[allisonintx]

I had a policy like Laura's for years and years. When my children were little, having a home full of good food and letting them graze at will worked well.

When they got bigger, it became a problem because 'favorite' (and always most expensive) foods were eaten up in a single day rather than portioned out appropriately. It was amazingly impossible on the budget once they were big enough to just walk in the kitchen at get whatever, whenever. They did not (as many authors would have you believe) only eat enough to be full. They became gluttons.

I instituted a schedule and it has been helpful for everyone in every way. I still have picky eaters, but there is no whining, now.

We have
Breakfast from the schedule(which everyone always eats. never had a problem there)
Choice of Yogurt or Fruit midmorning snack
Lunch from the schedule (which everyone also eats because it's always scheduled as foods they all eat)
Afternoon Snack (one salty or one sweet, portion determined by the nutrition information on the box, and weighed on a food scale, not eaten directly from the package)
Dinner (here is where many of my children don't eat at all.)
After dinner snack (either the salty or sweet that wasn't chosen in the afternoon)

We have worked through many variations of "eat-what-you-want" and "Eat what I make or nothing" and "I'll make what you want" (short order cooking) and this schedule has worked better than any other. I still haven't figured out what to do to make eating at other family's homes easier, except to give the drill of "no thank you" and being polite polite polite about the food. My in-laws and my mother seem to think that I should bully, beat and intimidate my children into eating whatever is put in front of them, and that's not acceptable to me (having had that done to me as a child) I can't think of a single food I was bullied into eating that I subsequently learned to like.

[SouthPaw]

Hmmm. Well, what we do. We have 3 meal times and 3 snack times (unless bedtime comes immediately after dinner, in which case no final snack). I choose meals (since I budget and plan for them a week at a time), I let DD choose snacks (usu. fruit, cheese, yogurt, carrots, etc.). This is a 2yo of course so I offer options, she can't have chocolate every snack. :giggle

I tend to make things we all like, though. My choice for lunch. DH's for dinner. That way we all feel useful.

Oh, and I will let DD graze off a meal for up to 2 hours depending on what it is - sometimes she just isn't hungry when I am and that's ok, she can eat it a little later. I won't fix her something different though.

I'm sure I'll rethink a little once my kiddos eat more and understand things like Waiting and Hunger, etc.

[milkmommy]

Personally time and trial and error had brought us to where we are.. :shrug
We once had the buy healthy and eat what you want attitude it left us broke and in tears :shrug
WHen you deal with a child who has a fit pretty much over every meal even those THEY choose day in and day out over and over. WHere you begin to just dread meal times. I hate to say this but hearing "I'm hungry" grates on my nerves because I can make her 42 diffrent things but shes will STILL not eat it even if I can hear her stomache across the room.
Honestly yes we have gotten to the point of saying okay your hungry sit down here is a sandwich (or whatever) but thats it, its PB and J you like and have many times eaten it so there you go.. Not hungry humm don't want that okay but this is it. :shrug
Deanna

[GodisGood]

Oh and I ask that there be no posts about letting them eat whatever and how wonderful your children eat and how you've chosen not to make it an issue.. I need concret answers here.


This is going to come across less than gracefuly. I specifically requested that many PP's not post as you did. This thread wasn't designed to be a debate thread; and I want to know how you've resoloved picky eating, wasteful food, etc issues. I am a bit offended that my simple request wasn't honored. I don't post a lot because of these issues like this. Quite frankly, I'd like to use much stronger language here I am so upset.

[joyful mama]

what works for me obviously won't for you. sorry if i offended. i deleted my post.

[milkmommy]

Ditto. Still won't eat squash lol.
:giggle neither will DH...

Deanna

[Mother of Sons]

I certainly didn't know I was debating.. :scratch I'll delete my sentence. :/

[GodisGood]

I "get" not forcing foods that a child doesn't like. What I don't like is the alternative; it's wasteful and frustrating for all. I don't have the time (I have the money but I don't want to waste it and we have gluttony issues as Allison explained) nor do I want to cook 4 different meals 3 times a day.

[ArmsOfLove]

Oh and I ask that there be no posts about letting them eat whatever and how wonderful your children eat and how you've chosen not to make it an issue.. I need concret answers here.


This is going to come across less than gracefuly. I specifically requested that many PP's not post as you did. This thread wasn't designed to be a debate thread; and I want to know how you've resoloved picky eating, wasteful food, etc issues. I am a bit offended that my simple request wasn't honored. I don't post a lot because of these issues like this. Quite frankly, I'd like to use much stronger language here I am so upset.
I need to step in as an admin at this point. I am sorry you are offended at some of the posts but making a request in the OP is your right, but not something you can demand others honor. The nature of a message board is that ideas will be shared rather free form. some people will have missed the request in your op, some will have read it but then are responding to an idea someone else wrote. If this keeps you from posting often that is certainly your right! I honor and respect that. You do need to know, though, that this thread does not contain anything close to a debate and is perfectly acceptable and in line with what is reasonably expected on a message board. :hugheart

[GodChick]

:hugheart

I was about to make mention of the fact that the OP had asked for advice other than "let them eat what they want when they want," but I see that's been . . . addressed. :nails

Allison in TX, I really like what you described; I think I can see that working well here with our family. Could you elaborate a little bit by what you mean when you say they eat something from the schedule? Do you mean a list of foods to choose from, or a schedule of times to eat? What kinds of foods are in the "something salty or something sweet?"

[GodisGood]

Assigning positive intent and honoring others and their boundaries only works one way I guess. It appears that although some are baffled at my request others are not. Just delete the thread than.

[CelticJourney]

Assigning positive intent and honoring others and their boundaries only works one way I guess. It appears that although some are baffled at my request others are not. Just delete the thread than.Once a thread gets started it becomes a conversation among many people, not merely the individual who started it. You can no more expect to control it than you could expect to control a conversation among 20 women sitting in my living room. If there is someone here who has expresses the same beliefs about food that you do, perhaps you can PM them if this more open format is frustrating you.

[GodisGood]

Assigning positive intent and honoring others and their boundaries only works one way I guess. It appears that although some are baffled at my request others are not. Just delete the thread than.Once a thread gets started it becomes a conversation among many people, not merely the individual who started it. You can no more expect to control it than you could expect to control a conversation among 20 women sitting in my living room. If there is someone here who has expresses the same beliefs about food that you do, perhaps you can PM them if this more open format is frustrating you.




Wow beating a dead horse here. I conceded. I asked for the thread to be deleted. What more do you want?

[CelticJourney]

I was not intending to 'beat a dead horse', but to offer you a way to limit the conversation the way you wanted.

I'm sure an Admin will respond to your request as soon as one is available.

[OpalsMom]

I feel strongly about respecting a kid's right not to eat things they don't like -- my shellfish allergy would be a lot more severe had I been forced to eat it. But we do not do free-feeding.

I feel equally strongly about respecting the cook. We make one dinner. It contains at least one thing DD likes. DD may ask politely for modifications (for instance, cheese on top or plain yogurt with it -- note that since she is willing to eat plain yogurt straight this amounts to an alternate dinner). She may pick things out and not eat them, as long as she doesn't complain about them. ("You don't have to eat it, but you may not complain about it.") She may even pass them to me, as long as she does a good job of pretending she's doing me a favor. She will still get a chance at dessert when the rest of us get to it; the maximum amount of dessert is fixed. (And dessert is almost always fruit, anyway.)

She may not whine, complain, criticize the food, demand to get down before anybody else has finished, pester people who are still eating, start her dessert before other people do, have seconds of something desirable before either she finishes the other stuff or everybody else has had seconds if they want them, whichever comes first, have an alternate meal prepared for her, or have an unscheduled snack. If she is making the dinner table unpleasant by whining about her food, she will need to go somewhere else. When she is ready to come back, all the usual alternatives are available to her. In fact, I will be happy to reheat her food for her if that will make it more appetizing.

If she doesn't eat dinner, she doesn't eat dinner. End of story. We don't plead, pressure, or otherwise comment. If visitors do comment, we smile and tell them that it averages out, and change the subject. We may ask if she'd like the leftovers for lunch; if she says "no", that's fine. If she complains that she's starving later, we say "Dinner is over. I bet you'll really enjoy breakfast if you're hungry already!" (We eat dinner immediately before bed anyway.)

[illinoismommy]

I had a policy like Laura's for years and years. When my children were little, having a home full of good food and letting them graze at will worked well.

When they got bigger, it became a problem because 'favorite' (and always most expensive) foods were eaten up in a single day rather than portioned out appropriately. It was amazingly impossible on the budget once they were big enough to just walk in the kitchen at get whatever, whenever. They did not (as many authors would have you believe) only eat enough to be full. They became gluttons.

I instituted a schedule and it has been helpful for everyone in every way. I still have picky eaters, but there is no whining, now.

We have
Breakfast from the schedule(which everyone always eats. never had a problem there)
Choice of Yogurt or Fruit midmorning snack
Lunch from the schedule (which everyone also eats because it's always scheduled as foods they all eat)
Afternoon Snack (one salty or one sweet, portion determined by the nutrition information on the box, and weighed on a food scale, not eaten directly from the package)
Dinner (here is where many of my children don't eat at all.)
After dinner snack (either the salty or sweet that wasn't chosen in the afternoon)

We have worked through many variations of "eat-what-you-want" and "Eat what I make or nothing" and "I'll make what you want" (short order cooking) and this schedule has worked better than any other. I still haven't figured out what to do to make eating at other family's homes easier, except to give the drill of "no thank you" and being polite polite polite about the food. My in-laws and my mother seem to think that I should bully, beat and intimidate my children into eating whatever is put in front of them, and that's not acceptable to me (having had that done to me as a child) I can't think of a single food I was bullied into eating that I subsequently learned to like.


I hope this post doesn't get lost because I think its really great because its so clearly explained and includes both flexibility "the child gets a choice" and the child not always getting to choose.. :shifty :hiding

Recently we instituted an eating "schedule" .... as in, snack is at 2pm. Before that he had gotten to where every time he was bored, he wanted to eat. He wanted this or that..... it was too much to be on call all the time and as she points out here, eating all of the good stuff early in the week. Since David is only 3 and doesn't get "saving some good stuff for later" I simply hide some of the goods to bring out later in the week. For snacks I say "would you like _____ or ____?" He gets a choice. For dinner, I am pretty flexible. If I make chicken enchiladas, and I know he doesn't like chicken still, I let him have a tortilla shell, some rice, and some cheese and he eats that.

I too don't have any foods I was forced to eat that I now like in adulthood.

[righteous mama]

I really hope this thread doesn't get deleted because it is helping me. I grew up with an eating disorder and I'm determined to help my girls not have one. The differences in households is helping me create something that will work for mine.

I find that having set meal times with healthy snacks readily available between helps us a lot. For example in between lunch and dinner, they can freely eat apples, bits of cheese, veggies, nuts, etc. Any fancy snacks such as fruit snacks are eaten with a meal, so they aren't really a treat as much as a neat part of a meal. And I don't care in which order their meal is eaten. If I give them chicken, rice, and salad (our usual dinner), if they eat all their salad (my kids LOVE salad), some chicken, and no rice...I'm not concerned. Every so often they will eat all their chicken, some rice, and little salad. Again, not concerned. If I offer enough variety throughout the day then their needs should be met.

[arwen]

i haven't read any responses....so forgive me if this was said before....
but this is what i do :

i give ds a little plate or a bento type box....
i put a spoonful or two of each of what we are eating....if it's new and i know he doesn't like it (he gags on anything potato) i don't put it on his plate.....and then that's his dinner....period...
if it's something odd looking he has to try two bites of it...

he doesn't get anything else for dinner or afterward....this is for lunch too....if he is going to complain about it he gets up and leaves....he can come back at a later time and try again....

we also do a card system where you are given a warning for your behaviour and if you continue that you lose a card....if you lose all your cards during the day you don't get a sticker at the end of the day....if they get 5 stickers they can pick a surprise out of the surprise box....works wonders.

i'm probably all over the place with this reply and i hope i made sense....

[allisonintx]

Well, some of you may remember that about six months ago I had finally had ENOUGH of not being a good manager of my home...of really having no clue how to be a homemaker, so I started reading books about it.

I took a picture of the calander, and as soon as my phone charges up again, I'll post it.

http://yesiknowwhatcausesthis.blogspot.com/2007/07/on-meal-planning-for-family-of-six.html

[ArmsOfLove]

as there is a lot of good information in this thread and good dialogue I'm going to leave it on the boards, but I will lock it as the OP does not wish this particular conversation to continue here. If someone would like to continue the discussion in a different thread or start it with a new direction that is always okay.

I'm not sure what assigning a positive intent has to do with this. If anyone is offended by something in this thread please feel free to pm me or another admin.