Aggressive behavior

[Elena]

First I want to say sorry I am not a very active part of this community- I admit I lurk a lot but don't have the time to post or don't feel like I have much to input :blush, but if it's okay I'd like to ask for some help anyway.

My almost four year old is super intense, very physically strong and aggressive, always has been, but I had been feeling like he was getting better as he got older (and after a million times of saying, use your words, or do this or that when you are angry)- I thought we were making progress but the last few weeks are making me despair. He just seems to have no control. If anyone makes him mad at all, he ATTACKS- tries to pinch, punch, kick, whatever. I grab him in a bear hug to stop the attack and say, you may not hurt others. Stop now. He then turns his attack on me. At that point I say, if you are going to hurt others you may not be near us. And I carry him to his room (while trying to protect myself from getting scratched, hit, bit, etc), then say, you may come out when you are calm and ready to apologize. And he stays for however long he needs and usually comes out and will readily say sorry to me and other person. And we talk once again about using words or what else he can do when he's angry. Oh, and I try to remember to reflect his original feelings too. "I know it made you angry that so and so did such and such, but it's still not okay to hurt people when you get angry" Once in a while he stays in quite awhile and I will go in and check on him. Sometimes he is ready to talk, sometimes he tells me to go away (which I do) and once I found him asleep. Sounds okay, I guess, except that lately it's been happening up to six times a day and quite frankly *I* start to lose control. The scenario repeats itself almost exactly the same, I use the same words, etc, but the intensity on my part escalates. The words are the same, but they get angrier and angrier, my bear hug gets tighter, the walk to the bedroom more of a run to deposit him before I get any angrier. :blush I always apologize too, when I feel I crossed a line, but this is a vicious cycle. I'm sick of him saying sorry and me saying sorry. It's losing it's meaning when it just repeats an hour later. I do think he has low blood sugar issues and I probably need to encourage him to have a snack more often (I allow him to eat whenever he wants but I probably need to suggest it more if it's been awhile) and maybe I need to put him to bed earlier at night. We all have a rest time during the day but he doesn't usually fall asleep.

I need to quit rambling and I don't even know if I have a clear question or if I just needed to vent. After typing this, I guess the problem is mostly mine. I need to be more proactive with him and be an adult and have self control no matter how many times a day I have to repeat that. I guess I do want to ask if it looks like I am handling it okay assuming I stay calm and neutral throughout. And any other insight anyone may have that I am unable to remember or see for myself right now, like this is normal for this age, this may be a cause, etc.....

Thanks

[ArmsOfLove]

a few thoughts--did anything happen a few weeks ago that might have upset him? Or did he hit 4.5 and disequilibrium? Do you make sure he goes to the bathroom if/when/before he gets aggressive? That is the first thing I'd do. How much sleep is he getting at night?

[Elena]

Wow Crystal what a speedy reply! Thanks! :)

He's almost 4, not 5. When does this disequilibrium hit? tell me more about that.

Hmmm. Going to the bathroom- I've never thought about having him go in the midst of the aggression, he's too out of control- how does that affect aggressive behavior? He does always wait till the last minute to go, but even if he is doing the potty dance like crazy he won't go if I tell him to, he says he doesn't have to but goes racing in two seconds later. Thats his personality- unless somethings his idea he rejects it no matter what it is. Anyway, now that you mention it he does end up in the bathroom after some of these episodes, before coming to apologize.

Um I guess this started after we got home from a camping/ float trip and as a matter of fact our canoe did tip but he had on a life jacket and loves water (swims like a fish in the pool) and *seemed* totally unphased by it at the time- didn't even cry, but :scratch do you think he supressed some feelings about that? Or maybe something else happened that I wasn't aware of- we were there with my entire family- 9 kids total and 10 adults, big group. He appeared to have a great time running around with his cousins and stuff. ?????

Seems like we have been getting him to bed later than usual. My dh has been working late and I sometimes keep them up to at least say goodnight. Could be he's just downright tired. Definately gonna do an earlier bedtime tonight for starters.

[ArmsOfLove]

I would say he's exhausted and probably has to pee at those moment. I'd bump back his bedtime substantially. And 3.5 is a very hard age. I don't up my children's ages until their actual bday because it changes my expectations of them unrealistically :) And if my child were doing that (when he did) I'd put him in the bathroom and close the door between us, letting go when he had gone and was calmed down again (which was instant!)

[Elena]

Okay I will try having him go potty next time and try to get him more rested. Thanks. I feel much better at least having a plan of action. thanks for being here for me. :heart

[klpmommy]

:yes It amazes me that P gets aggressive when he has to pee. It just seems weird, but it is true. And he is definately more out of control when he is behind on sleep.

[Elena]

Wow I just never thought about that connection before!

So hopefully the preventative measures will decrease these episodes greatly, but if it does happen, aside from removing him to the bathroom instead of his room, and not losing my cool :doh, do you guys think I was handling it okay?

[kazoo]

this is interesting -- this past weekend, I noticed DS was being more aggressive (which for him is still pretty calm), and realized that he'd held poo in all weekend b/c we were visiting relatives and apparently didn't want to use their toilet. (Potty training is a fairly new development here!) I thought, man, I would certainly be cranky if i'd been holding poo in for 2 days! :giggle

[klpmommy]

As for making him pee when he says he doesn't have to but clearly does- I walk P or E to the bathroom & turn on the water faucet. If I can count to 10 & they don't pee then they really didn't have to go. ;) E was much better at holding it in than P was, but then again she doesn't get aggressive when she has to pee but is ignoring it. I wonder if it is more of a boy thing? :think

[TwinMommy03]

:popcorn This is interesting. I never heard of this either. I don't really feel I'm one to give advice since most of the time I feel like I am doing everything wrong, but it sounds like you are handling things just fine. :hug My ds sounds a LOT like yours and he is just over 4 years old. I know if I don't get enough sleep, it's bad. And if he does not get enough sleep. But both of us together with not any sleep is HORRIBLE. I can tell MAJOR differences in behavior even in small amounts. Speaking of that...its a reminder to get to bed! :giggle :yawn