Is this sending the wrong message?

[Psyche]

A friend said that when her DD tantrums, she takes her to her room and tells her she can come out when she's calmed down.

I'm thinking of doing it simply b/c I'm tired of the tantrums and at minimum I hope that it will give me a chance to compose myself. HOwever, is it sending a wrong message to DS? That his "negative" feelings are unacceptable? I don't want him to think his negative feelings are unacceptable but that expressing them through a tantrum IS. Perhaps he's too young? :shrug

[SouthPaw]

Hmmm, well if you use it as a teaching tool I think it's ok but not as a punitive time out. I do that sometimes (ETA use it to teach) - now usually if I do it is for my own sanity b/c I would rather have her alone for a few minutes than lose my patience :/ But sometimes also if she just needs a safe place to vent her emotions. I will tell her she may scream, flail, cry, and whine as much as she wants to - in her room - and as soon as she is all done she can come back out. This is in a neutral voice and when she comes back out is is whenever she wants to when she is feeling calmer - even if it is 10 seconds later.

And I only do it when mommy-present calming techniques stress her out MORE, which is just part of her personality sometimes.

So yes, but with big provisos.

[fancifulfrog]

I have L sit in a place that's safe for her to tantrum until she's done. When you take her out of the situation the tantrum us usually short lived and SHE is controlling the time that is set for her to be away NOT me. She knows better when she's calmed down than I do because I can't see her inner emotions. I hope I am communicating this clearly. I feel that it's okay to do this practice.

[deena]

When you take her out of the situation the tantrum us usually short lived and SHE is controlling the time that is set for her to be away NOT me.

:yes

[milkmommy]

Giving a child a "safe" place to get their angries out away from being able to hurt others is not mean.

Deanna

[Marsha]

We do it because she feeds off of people.
And because I just have a hard time dealing with it and need a break.
And because she needs a "safe place" to do unacceptable angry things that are NOT okay directed at other people.
She calms down a LOT faster than any of the holding, hugging, talking, reflecting, calming things I used to try when she is just left alone to yell and cry and play. She comes out usually clear eyed and with a matter of fact apology.

[hey mommy]

Giving a child a "safe" place to get their angries out away from being able to hurt others is not mean.

Deanna


We do that w/C.. If we leave him where we are, he feeds off us, or DH, who doesn't know when to be quiet, will keep talking to C instead of letting C get over it. C will get over it on his own better than he will w/one of us 'helping'.. Does that make sense?

I'll send him in there and tell him he is more than welcome to join us after he calms down. Sometimes it's 5 min., sometimes it's 1/2 hour or more. Sometimes he'll scream for 10 min. and play in there for a while and then come out and join us.. Then we'll talk about it if he wants to and things go back to normal.

And there are times that even *I* prefer to be left alone when I need to scream/yell/tantrum or whatever..

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I think it depends alot on the age, developmental level, and relationship you have with your child.

I would walk my oldest to his room to "take a break" when he was a toddler and I knew he needed space. He would sit on his bed and look at books and calm down. I don't even need to try it with my second to know that won't work. ;)

I don't think I'd say he couldn't come out until he was done until he was older. :think He's four and we haven't used the "break room" idea for awhile so I'm not sure but something about that rubs me the wrong way.

[allisonintx]

Am I missing something, like knowing you have a big kid? 18mos is too young to be put in their room with the door shut. 18mos is a baby, developmentally and they will not 'self soothe' in their room, they will, however, learn what it means to be abandoned with their big feelings with no help to get them under control.

[milkmommy]

Alison thats a good point. I just answered the question as I see my DD today and as a general no setting a boundry isn't cruel..
Lets see at 18 months I t hink a blanket stay untill your calm could very much be too much... I did sometimes put Cecilia in her room when her feeling had grown too big to be in public and did at time tell her your too XX you need some quiet time to calm your self I going to go do XY (pick up the glass that spilled ect) and then I'm going to come back.... This gave a boundry some time for her to kinda regroup but didn't just leave her alone indeffiently. At 18 months I needed her to take the first steps to calming but it was rae she totally calmed without me. KWIM?

Deanna

[ArmsOfLove]

I read all about introverts because I'm an extreme extrovert and dd is clearly an introvert. I read about how she needed time alone to process her thoughts and feelings and out of sheer respect for her I would put her in her room to do that--giving her space, she could come out when she was ready, etc. I did it all *right* and with the best of intentions and totally full of love. Guess what happened. . .

I ended up with a 3yo who I only understood when I read Playful Parenting and realized I had been abandoning her to her big negative feelings and she was terrified AND without knowing how to deal with them. I had to reconnect with her, let her know I am bigger than her big feelings, and start teaching her how to express herself properly.

There is nothing fun about an 18 mo melting down but I don't even call that a tantrum :no A tantrum is what you have on your hands when an older child has learned that mommy and/or daddy are so uncomfortable with big feelings they will give you whatever you want if you throw them out there. At 18 mo you just have negative feelings pouring out of you and you need help processing them, identifying them, owning them, and knowing what to do with them. It takes awhile to learn :heart

I would introduce a Comfort Corner and start by taking him there :heart

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I think we started when my oldest was about 2 1/2...but his tantrums were never kicking and flailing types of tantrums either. He would want a hug, a song and then ask to go up to his room and look at his books. :think

[ArmsOfLove]

I think we started when my oldest was about 2 1/2...but his tantrums were never kicking and flailing types of tantrums either. He would want a hug, a song and then ask to go up to his room and look at his books. :think
that is totally different, imo. you weren't forcing isolation or giving the message that happy is the only acceptable emotion

[milkmommy]

SEe but for both my introvert (and not extreme) and for myself a comfort corner feels like prison especially if someone insists on joining me in it or if its in "public" space (where rest of family is) DD screams leave me alone her anger goes from oh 6 (the angry tone that got her upset) to like 18 she screams Nooo and runs into closets or dark corners to get away. She was the baby that I could say rock or nurse till she was super tired but could NEVER rock to sleep (past a few months old) .
HAving the quiest time the cahnce for her and farankly me when I get overwhelmed has been super. When I step in too much it backfires big time. Same when others try to helps too much with myself.

Deanna

[AmyDoll]

(((Psyche))) 18 mos is a tough age! Caught between a baby & a big boy, not having all the language or physical skill to accomplish what his brain is wanting. :hug to you & your guy

Why don't you post some examples of ds's issues & let us GD you thru it? It's a new stage for both of you and there's some good tools for toddlers and it's good to double check your expectations too. Do you have the Ames & Ilg "Your One Year Old?"

[fancifulfrog]

Oh stink... 18 mos???? I was thinking of what I do with my three year old. Yeah, 18 mos is different. I am not sure there. We didn't have tantrums at that age.

[hey mommy]

Yeah, I wasn't thinking 18 months old either.. I wasn't very gentle at that age, so I'll let others answer..

[Marsha]

oh gosh 18 months!! No, we didn't start that until about 3.5, maybe 4.
I don't consider angry feelings by an 18 month old to be that negative actually. I just love on 'em, tak a walk , distract. They are SO distractible at that age. There will come a time you would like to have that option back LOL, so use it to your advantage.
And I extend bf, so nursing usually helps, too.

[Psyche]

Typically its doing something I don't want him to do. Like he might want to nurse but I JUST nursed him a half hour ago and so I say not right now or no or try to distract him and a screaming fit ensues. Or he takes a butter knife from the drawer that we still haven't figured out how to childproof and when I take it away from him with a "That's not a toy," he throws himself to the ground and screams. He has taken to smacking me in the face sometimes (not hard, but its still a smack).

Unless its tv, this kid is indistractable unless I drop what I'm doing and spend 10 minutes getting him into something. When he makes up his mind to something all the kings horses and all the kings men won't change it. And for some reason, he is only that way around ME. He never "misbehaves" the way he does with me to DH or babysitters or his grandparents.

[AmyDoll]

Totally normal :hug

Reflect his big feelings as big as he is, show him you understand how frustrated and unhappy he is. IME it's easier to bring toddlers down once you're up where they are ;) It would look like this in our house:
"Nichol is MAD! MAD! MAD! Mommy took the pretty shiny knife. OOOO Mommy Mommy Mommy! Grrrr... Poor Nichol. Come on Baby lets find a good toy for you! "

AFA nursing - what are you offering instead? Toddlers LOVE to go explore and then come back to reconnect with mom - nursing is MEGA important to them. Have you read, "Mothering your nursing toddler?" It's a really good book. The toddler relationship is way different than the baby relationship. If you are setting boundaries - don't sit in his nursing spot and refuse him, I offered Sam a choice between a drink or a snuggle.

When you're saying "not a toy" all he's hearing is "toy" :yes Try using a different word, "Sharp!" in a danger tone would probably be my choice.

He's still really little momma - honest! He's grown up a lot in the past 18 mos but he's still just a baby :yes

[Psyche]

I will try using a different word besides toy. I have tried the reflection like you said, but it seems to set him off even more. :shrug If I try to match his tone, he seems to think he needs to get louder.

I have read parts of mothering your nursing toddler. I've tried reconnecting with him via snuggle, but when he wants nursies, he must have nursies.

LOL, if there was something that would work ALL the time, I would be set. Some things work some of the time and other times they don't.

[AmyDoll]

I will try using a different word besides toy. I have tried the reflection like you said, but it seems to set him off even more. :shrug If I try to match his tone, he seems to think he needs to get louder.
Yea - sometimes when that happens I just get louder and we wail together in total commiseration. Other times, I bear hug him and whisper. :shrug depends on my mood and the situation.

I have read parts of mothering your nursing toddler. I've tried reconnecting with him via snuggle, but when he wants nursies, he must have nursies. Boundaries are tough for a little one - you can try different things, "Yes while I count to 10." "Yes, after I finish my water." Try to find a way to tell him *Yes* with limits. I think it works better than a "no"
LOL, if there was something that would work ALL the time, I would be set. Some things work some of the time and other times they don't.
:yes That's the stinker of having kids - no magic buttons ;)

[CelticJourney]

I have a 19 month old (my third) so I have fresh knowledge of what you are experiencing.

Example: yesterday ds was at my mom and dad's house. Mom says ds comes running out of the office, crying, hands over his face, drops down to the floor and sobs. My father is right behind him and informs mom "I wouldn't let him eat a screw." Mom and dad's response - "I think we let you get too tired, lets go rock."
I take it away from him with a "That's not a toy," he throws himself to the ground and screams.
In his mindset, his God given programming, everything is supposed to be explored. Toys and 'not toys' are indistinguishable. Mental capability right now far, far surpasses language ability and that leads to lots and lots of frustration. Isolating him physically will only add to the frustration, not alleviate it. I'm not saying to let him play with a knife, but understanding why his persues it is half the battle. I tell ds many times "I know you want that, but mommy will not let you play with something that will hurt you." Does he 'get it' - probably not, but he will.
He has taken to smacking me in the face sometimes (not hard, but its still a smack).Ds went through this one as well. If he hit me, I would put him down and remind him that he needs to be gentle. As he gets older I will tell him "you hit, you sit" and then sit down with him.
he is only that way around ME. He never "misbehaves" the way he does with me to DH or babysitters or his grandparents.Many times children 'act out' with those they are closest to - people they feel safe with in expressing their feelings. So long as you are not swinging into permissiveness, just try to accept the 'compliment'.

No matter how good he is at dismantling your house - he is still a baby and needs to be with you, even when it's hard.

[ArmsOfLove]

the thing about reflecting feelings is that it's not intended to make them go away ;) It's intended to teach them about their feelings--what they are, what they are called, how to identify them. Sometimes that does result in intensified feeling of them---but that's not a bad thing.

I find providing helpful and teaching information works best. "Not for baby--put it down." Or even taking the butter knife and showing what it is and how it works. The bubbies help me put nut butter on bread :tu

[allisonintx]

I see 17-18mos as an age of increased interest in nursing. Usually with my children, it meant we needed to provide LOTS more Gross Motor opportunities. This would be a good time to get a mini trampoline if you don't already have one. It also might be a good time to establish a really good routine/schedule for him so that he knows what's happening when. :hug Transitions are always hard, and baby to toddler is just the first one. Transitions almost always mean meltdowns until mommy gets it figured out. :hug Remembering that you are bigger than his big feelings and are there to help him learn to identify them and deal with them in a healthy way is a hard mommy lesson, especially if no one in your world ever did it. You can do it. It gets easier with time and practice :mrgreen

[SouthPaw]

Oh goodness yes, at 18 months we were just doing comfort corner and teaching her that the room was a safe place for big feelings. What happened was after going with DD for a few months, I could ask her "Do you need to go in your room to calm down?" and she (might) run in, flail and scream around, calm down,and come back out with a "Hi mommy!!" But definitely just set groundwork now. :hug

[hink4687]

I also agree the reflecting feelings is one of the most important things in handling tantrums. Especially this age because they aren't able to communicate real well so a lot of times they don't realize that we realize why they are mad. So letting Cooper know that I know why he's mad always seemed to calm him. I wrote an article on tantrums on associated content that your welcome to read that might be a little helpful. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/344345/note_for_parents_decoding_toddler_tantrums.html

I also think its important to be nearby regardless of the age during the tantrum. They do need our help in learning how to deal with these big feelings or they wouldn't be acting the way they are. They may not be ready for our help immediately but I wouldn't want to stick cooper in a room by himself where he might start throwing his things and break a toy because he's angry where if I was watching him I could help redirect that anger and take him outside and give him a ball to throw if he felt like he needed to throw. Not sure if that makes any sense. :shrug

[ReedleBeetle]

18 months was moving into our peak nursing. I am talking 20+ times per day for very short periods of time to very long periods of time. The harder I tried to "boundary" it or say no, the harder he fought for his "right" to nurse :giggle I finally said, "Ok, he REALLY needs this right now. He needs the connection, the immunities, the nutrition....whatever.....I am going to enjoy these moments because in a few months I will want my snuggly, nursy boy back. At 21 or so months, he cut back to 8-12 times per day, and at 25 months he went back to 6-10 times. Now, at nearly 28 months, he nurses 3-5 times most days with a rare day where he will nurse up to 8 or so times. He has 3 "long" nurses per day and they don't change.

[Marsha]

18 months was moving into our peak nursing. I am talking 20+ times per day for very short periods of time to very long periods of time. The harder I tried to "boundary" it or say no, the harder he fought for his "right" to nurse :giggle I finally said, "Ok, he REALLY needs this right now. He needs the connection, the immunities, the nutrition....whatever.....I am going to enjoy these moments because in a few months I will want my snuggly, nursy boy back. At 21 or so months, he cut back to 8-12 times per day, and at 25 months he went back to 6-10 times. Now, at nearly 28 months, he nurses 3-5 times most days with a rare day where he will nurse up to 8 or so times. He has 3 "long" nurses per day and they don't change.


We're at 25 months and I'm waiting on the drop LOL. I think I'm still nrusing about 12 times a day and many times at night.
Boundaries are NOT working with her. Offering drinks and snacks, staying busy, offering to read or do a puzzle....nothing. She really DOES want to nurse. So I nurse. Not always, and not when I"m in the middle of something else, but as often as I can.