"you hit, you sit" revisited and other questions

[Tengokujin]

Could we talk about "you hit, you sit" and how to institute this in the home? I know we have talked about this many times, but I don't have a clear picture of how to explain and begin this in my home. We need this.

DS just turned four. We also have a 4 mo. old baby. Things have been intense here since prior to baby's birth, and I have not always been so stellar in how I have handled things. I need to do some sitting myself. :blush

But I am again getting in control of situations, remaining calm, GOMB, etc. With hitting, so far we have handled this by me removing myself from being hit again, and telling DS that he may not hit, hitting hurts. I also have strongly encouraged him to make amends with a hug and kiss, and to express that he is sorry and ask forgiveness. This takes some time but we get there. When he accidently hurts someone, he is quick to make amends and show concern for the injured. This is encouraging to me!

I have also been thinking about what ways DS can express anger. I'm afraid that I am not letting him do many physical expressions of anger because of our living situation (small apartment not sound proof) and cultural pressures to not let children pound, stomp, etc. I truly don't know what I can teach him to do to physically express his anger that would really be ok. (Please don't tell me not to worry about my neighbors--I am not living in the US and I have to live with different expectations and consequences if my children disturb others. :)) Stomping is a big problem. Yelling is better for the neighbors, but it grates on my nerves and makes me want to scream as well. Add in a crying baby and my nerves fry. Pounding a pillow is quiet, but doesn't give DS the satisfaction that a noisy activity has. Going outside to pound on the balcony or scream is also not ok culturally. I am so afraid that I will end up with a child who is very angry inside because of my mishandlement of all of this.

Maybe there are threads that talk about all of this, and I would be happy to be directed to those. However, I could really use some help and insights because I want to be doing better.

This post is far from complete but Ds needs me and maybe your questions to me can help me clarify myself.

[ArmsOfLove]

can he sing an angry song? express his feelings with a picture?

Also, anger is a secondary emotion and I'd try to figure out the underlying emotion. Why is he hitting? He can't tell you if you ask as a why, but if you probe him with questions you might get interesting answers. And don't be afraid of them. He likes and dislikes, loves and hates his brother. That is normal :heart Let him know that and his expressions will likely lesson on their own :yes

as for YHYS, I get up, move them to the couch saying YHYS and then tell them I will check on them when I'm done checking the injured person.

[Tengokujin]

Well, I tried some different things now. His toys weren't doing what he wanted, and he was screaming and throwing them. So I said, " Your toys aren't doing what you want. You may not throw them. They will break. I'm putting he train away until you can play with it calmly."

He was pretty ticked about that too. So I said, "you're angry--that's ok. You may not stomp though. can you dance?" My demonstration got a blank look. He continued to stomp and scream.

I stopped him from stomping, took him to my rocking chair with me, and I encouraged him to do silly screams. He ended up screaming in a silly way and giggling about it. That's better I suppose.

He seems to do better with a physical large motor skills noise anger release. But I am guessing that he needs to over time learn other ways. How do I actually introduce these other ways? Do we talk about it in a calm non-angry moment? I can't imagine trying to redirect him to draw angry picture for the first time while he is angry.

Part of the difficulty for me with this is that I have no real picture in my mind of what a four year old should do when angry. It is just so reflexive to just reject and suppress anger.

Can you all tell that I get stuck on the practical side of things--how to implement the theoretical? The story of my life...

[ArmsOfLove]

you're not the only one :hug

what about a boppy (the blow up things he can punch) or a rebounder he can bounce on? Can he bounce on a bed? When we lived in an apt that was a huge blessing :heart

and yes, talk about it in a calm time :yes

[Tengokujin]

:think I DO have a cheapie exercise ball that he likes--I could pull that out.

No beds here--we are people of the futon. WHen he was littler I would let him jump on our old broken sofa, but since we replaced it, it is a no jump zone.

Would the book 'Dealing with Disappointment' be helpful for me as well?

[ArmsOfLove]

I haven't read that one but I'm hoping someone who has will jump in with thoughts :)

[puah]

:hug2 i know how hard it can be to implement some things you might in your home culture when the reactions/cultural norms in your host culture limit your options, am there with you often!

i'm not really sure what to suggest that is quiet big angry movement...would kicking a beach ball in a safe room where nothing can break work? he could kick and kick and no one would hear a thing but he could hear the quiet 'smack smack' of the beach ball against walls. what about building a tower just to knock it down, might the sound of falling blocks be acceptable?

[loveberry]

Alex goes nuts on the couch when he's mad. Kicking, punching, even smacking his head into it. I know you said yours is new, but I don't think he's actually doing any damage to it. I don't let him jump on it. He just sort of kneels on it and attacks it. It's not that loud, but very satisfying for him.

[TwinMommy03]

Deep breathing....counting to 10....?

[Tengokujin]

I had a whole post written that didn't ever show up. :(

Thanks for the ideas and affirmations. Quite a few of the ideas were ones I used previously, but we got into some bad habits toward the end of my pregnancy and these first few months. You have all reminded me that I know more than I have been doing.