Oh my goodness! Help me with my almost 4 year old.

[Marzipan]

What am I going to do with this child?! I expected things to get a little tougher once ds was mobile, but this is just nuts. She thinks she can push/drag/carry/bonk him anyway and any time she pleases. Even when she's just playing she's too rough...I finally end up telling her she cannot touch him at all since she seems unable to do so gently. I left the room for a second today to take something out of the oven, and I come back in and she is *dragging* him off of the beanbag chair.

I tell her, of course, "C is in charge of his body-- you may not move it for him. If you need him to move, you need to tell Mommy or Daddy." It is just not processing. Finally I get exasperated from pulling her off of him, and I just make her sit in a chair for awhile so I don't have to deal with it. Then she pokes him with her feet when he crawls near it. She is not being violent, just persistent.

Everything is hard with her right now. She has all of a sudden decided anything I ask of her is totally optional...and seems to delight in frustrating me. Of course, I *know I shouldn't take it personally, and I just need to GOMB, but seriously-- these are things we did not have a problem with before. Oh, and the throwing things. For instance, yesterday, she chunked her basket of finger puppets...I told her "you may not throw your toys...when you throw them, they get put away." As *soon* as I finished the sentence, she walks over to her basket of doll clothes and hurls them across the room. :banghead Really, I guess removing the toys that she throws is reasonable...so I just have to wait for her to figure out it's going to happen every time?

[Marzipan]

Bump.

[AmyDoll]

1. I'd institute a *no touching* rule for the baby. After she learns not to touch the baby *at all* then you can teach her HOW to touch the baby. She's probably playing with the baby like she would play with another 3 year old.

2. Reframe your thinking - she's not almost 4 - she's 3.5 - don't make her older than she is. She's still really really little & she's learning how to process all these big emotions of being a sister & having to share mom. Plus all the excitement of having a new little person in the house.

3. Focus on telling her what to do. You may throw your bean bags. You may throw your ball at the front door. You may go outside and throw.

4. GOYB is key - "I will not let you hurt the baby." "I will not let you throw your books" - stop her.

5. She's realizing more and more that she is her own person - re-read the sticky on defiance. She's realizing the things you say really are optional - it's a pretty neat process. You're now going to move toward teaching her how to comply & *appropriately* express her feelings about not wanting to do stuff you want her to. It's OK to be playful - she learns thru play. It's OK to compromise with her, as long as you aren't being permissive.

6. Bring her into your world - let her help you fold clothes, make dinner, set the table, clean the toilets. I find myself MEGA frustrated if I try to play with my 3.5 yo on his terms - but he's THRILLED to swish a toilet, or get a pile of diapers to fold :tu

:hug

[ArmsOfLove]

:yep

and the thing is, 3.5 yo is playing with baby like another 3.5 yo. Have you taught her how to play with baby? I speak for baby and say, "Sister, I don't like that. You need to . . . . when you touch me."

[kazoo]

I don't have any advice -- just :hug and :popcorn as I watch a friend go thru exactly the same scenario w/ her DC.

[Marzipan]

Oooh, thanks both of you. We do this *every year* The month right before her birthday (it's less than 4 weeks away) is always SO hard. Anyway-- is it really necessary to stop her from touching him entirely first, in order to teach her to interact well with him, or do you think Crystal's scripts will work without taking that step? She really loves him, and it *feels* awfully harsh to not let her touch him *at all.*

[AmyDoll]

Try the scripts and try using your playpen when u have to leave the room? The only downside we had there was Sam climbing in with the baby!

[ArmsOfLove]

I start with supervision and scripting and then evaluate each interaction as it progresses--if warranted I say "no more touching right now". I had to do that with my older 3 today :shifty :giggle

[Marzipan]

We have no baby-containing devices (although we had considered getting a playpen for the older, so she could have her own space (as Crystal often suggests)...she has a playroom that I'll keep her brother out of, but she doesn't like being in that part of the house all by herself) so, perhaps for the time being, I'll just make sure one or the other of them is with me if I have to step out of the room. Thanks both of you.

[ArmsOfLove]

we did use a baby gate to keep older children *in* their rooms and the baby out of them :)

[Marzipan]

:think Hmm. That would be cheaper and take up less space than a playpen...and, perhaps, dd would feel less seperated from us, if there was a baby gate in the door instead of the door closed...