tienke
08-28-2007, 01:21 PM
My 5yo ds has been very hostile toward me and my dh last weeks. I mean he reacts very offended when he is not allowed certain things (b.e. throwing trash in the water, not seeing another movie after the movie finished) or has to do things (like dressing, little chart). He tries to hurt us as much as he can, kicking, scratching, hitting and spitting. He also says things as: you hurt me (when we hold him tightly on our lap in order to prevent him from biting and hitting us, and hurting us with his words) and he even said he was afraid my dh would kill him (???). He seems to view us as his personal enemies, b.e. when I cook something and he doesn't like it, he says I purposely cook things he doesn't like. When he is agressive towards us, he says he is 'protecting himself' from us, 'the danger'.
Ds has always been a kind of... challenging, I don't know much about high need babies, but I would not be surprised if that's what he was. He is (very) intelligent and very verbal, extravert and extravagant as well in joy as in anger. He needs a LOT of daddy/mommy time and hugging. We have done AP from birth, but because of reading the wrong parenting books we reacted punitive when he was about 2.5 yo by using TO and spanking :blush. In november we heard from GBP and started to apply this, immediately stopping spanking, but still figuring out how to apply GBP. Last weeks we had holidays and we read 'Families where Grace is in Place', which helped us a lot. My dh and I feel like we now fully stepped into the 'grace road', being kind and gracefull and firm. In these holidays the hostile behaviour of our son became so extreme. He has been angry to us before when we would tell him to do things (or not to do things) and following up to it, but now it's sooooo extreme. We found out it makes a lot of difference when we give him a clear structure for the day (we did not have ANY structure in our holidays...).
The thing we now do is hold him in our arms (when necessary, it is tight because he is trying to hurt us) and speak calming, loving words to him until he calms down (after about 1/2 hour!!!), being kind but not giving in to his demands. I find it embarrasing because he screams so loud it sounds like we are torturing him (AAARGH! YOU'RE HURTING ME!). (in our country the houses are smaller and the neighbours are nearer...) I find it hard because I've a 3yo and a 1yo who need my attention too. I cannot bring ds to his room or another comfort place, because when he's angry he runs from it immediately. It makes him more angry, I think because he's extravert.
well, what's my question... is he normal? I feel like I've done so many things wrong, is this behaviour because of my mistakes? Did anyone of you ever experience such a thing? Any suggestions?
Ds has always been a kind of... challenging, I don't know much about high need babies, but I would not be surprised if that's what he was. He is (very) intelligent and very verbal, extravert and extravagant as well in joy as in anger. He needs a LOT of daddy/mommy time and hugging. We have done AP from birth, but because of reading the wrong parenting books we reacted punitive when he was about 2.5 yo by using TO and spanking :blush. In november we heard from GBP and started to apply this, immediately stopping spanking, but still figuring out how to apply GBP. Last weeks we had holidays and we read 'Families where Grace is in Place', which helped us a lot. My dh and I feel like we now fully stepped into the 'grace road', being kind and gracefull and firm. In these holidays the hostile behaviour of our son became so extreme. He has been angry to us before when we would tell him to do things (or not to do things) and following up to it, but now it's sooooo extreme. We found out it makes a lot of difference when we give him a clear structure for the day (we did not have ANY structure in our holidays...).
The thing we now do is hold him in our arms (when necessary, it is tight because he is trying to hurt us) and speak calming, loving words to him until he calms down (after about 1/2 hour!!!), being kind but not giving in to his demands. I find it embarrasing because he screams so loud it sounds like we are torturing him (AAARGH! YOU'RE HURTING ME!). (in our country the houses are smaller and the neighbours are nearer...) I find it hard because I've a 3yo and a 1yo who need my attention too. I cannot bring ds to his room or another comfort place, because when he's angry he runs from it immediately. It makes him more angry, I think because he's extravert.
well, what's my question... is he normal? I feel like I've done so many things wrong, is this behaviour because of my mistakes? Did anyone of you ever experience such a thing? Any suggestions?