Being an authoritive parent when you dont know how.

[Lantern Light Mama]

Ok, I think I am at the root of some of my major parenting issues. :(

I do not feel authoritive. This leads me into being punitive. I feel that growing up I was only shown punitive parenting and boundariless parenting or permissive, it was a unique mix that didnt work for any of us . There wasn't much of anything else . :blush

So now reflecting on my own parenting I can see where if you are raised this way its still imprinted there and how it effects me even now and im working on it.

I keep coming back to the fact that I do not know how to be an authority and its even harder to be one without being mean. One thing that is a problem for me is my size...I am very childlike and so I fear I am viewed as a child.

Anyway I know how scewed this is, so im looking for outside advice or ideas on how to effectively change this.

[Chris3jam]

I would like to know, also. I lack any kind of confidence whatsoever. There is something holding me back to where I do not even feel like an adult. :( So. . .. subbing. . ..

[marathonmom]

:yes

One of my college friend's had a mom who referred to me as "the girl who looks apologetic all the time". :bag

I need to sub too....sorry not to be more h elp. :popcorn There I go, being apologetic again.

[kazoo]

One thing that is a problem for me is my size...I am very childlike and so I fear I am viewed as a child.


I felt that was hard for me when I was sub teaching. But I'm not sure if it was really true, or just my perception of it. I think it was really lack of experience in that situation -- I'm one of those people who likes to know everything about something so I can feel authoritative in that area, like I have the right to be talking about what I'm talking about.

that said, I'm subbing too :bag :popcorn

[Chris3jam]

Ok, I just thought of something. We're taking Rusty (the dog) to obedience class. And one thing she stressed was attitude. Even if you don't feel like it, carry yourself like you have confidence. Back straight, make eye contact, and make sure your tone does not sound questioning. Be firm, not loud or mean-sounding. Tone of voice and body language means everything. So. . . . . .should we apply this to dealing with children?

[ArmsOfLove]

a lot of it is just accepting the reality that you are the authority--whether you feel like it or not ;) Often, people who aren't comfortable with authority perceive "firm" as "mean" but the two are very different. Firm is confident without encroaching on others. Mean involves shaming, name calling, belittling--trying to make someone else feel smaller so that, by comparison, you can be bigger. My dad explained to an assistant manager one time that authority is about knowing you have the right to give instructions and expect them to be carried out. Not that they always will--but you have the authority to say it.

[Katigre]

Even if you don't feel like it, carry yourself like you have confidence. Back straight, make eye contact, and make sure your tone does not sound questioning. Be firm, not loud or mean-sounding. Tone of voice and body language means everything. So. . . . . .should we apply this to dealing with children?
In my years as a teacher, this was so important. I think that it is also important with children - they can read body language, they can pick up on social cues. I am someone who seems to naturally assume leadership roles (i have to work on not being overbearing or bossy :O) and it does help with DS b/c I just assume I am the one in charge and go from there.

What is sort of funny about that is that I am petite and appear very young - people often think I am still a teenager. Yet I was able to teach high school classes authoritatively even when I was shorter than my students and looked the same age as them. I think it had to be about my body language - that I didn't look to them to give me authority, I lived as if I already had it. I think it's a self-confidence thing mostly - i have wayyyy too much self-confidence (it actually is an issue in some relationships I have because i come across as a super strong personality).

[MarynMunchkins]

I'm glad you said something about your size. I was reading your post, wondering if that were an issue, and then you said something about it. :giggle

I'm not that big, and I agree that it's mostly just attitude. I know a big deal for me was realizing what it is that I *do* do well, and acknowledging that for myself. Make a list. When you catch yourself doing something, especially in parenting, the way you think you should, make a note of it. The more you are able to recognize what you are doing right, the easier it is to carry yourself as on top of everything. :hug

[HuggaBuggaMommy]

a lot of it is just accepting the reality that you are the authority--whether you feel like it or not ;)

This is absolutely true. God has placed you in the position of making disciples of your children. He's entrusted them to you for this purpose. That doesn't me looking at authority in a punitive way, but looking at how Jesus carried out his authority. Yeah, I know, he was God, but that doesn't change that fact that we can learn how to act in an authoritative position from him. :heart He wasn't mean, he chose his battles, he didn't go around whacking people, he understood that his disciples weren't always going to obey him, but he forgave them when they didn't, and never broke fellowship with them because of their waywardness.

[Katigre]

authority is about knowing you have the right to give instructions and expect them to be carried out. Not that they always will--but you have the authority to say it.
:yes This is exactly what being in authority (whether over my child, in a classroom, or over a group I have been chosen to lead) feels like.

[Lantern Light Mama]

I'm not that big, and I agree that it's mostly just attitude. I know a big deal for me was realizing what it is that I *do* do well, and acknowledging that for myself. Make a list. When you catch yourself doing something, especially in parenting, the way you think you should, make a note of it. The more you are able to recognize what you are doing right, the easier it is to carry yourself as on top of everything.

Thanks Mary! :hug2 I think I needed to hear that!

[Freetobeme24]

Even if you don't feel like it, carry yourself like you have confidence. Back straight, make eye contact, and make sure your tone does not sound questioning. Be firm, not loud or mean-sounding. Tone of voice and body language means everything. So. . . . . .should we apply this to dealing with children?
In my years as a teacher, this was so important. I think that it is also important with children - they can read body language, they can pick up on social cues. I am someone who seems to naturally assume leadership roles (i have to work on not being overbearing or bossy :O) and it does help with DS b/c I just assume I am the one in charge and go from there.

What is sort of funny about that is that I am petite and appear very young - people often think I am still a teenager. Yet I was able to teach high school classes authoritatively even when I was shorter than my students and looked the same age as them. I think it had to be about my body language - that I didn't look to them to give me authority, I lived as if I already had it. I think it's a self-confidence thing mostly - i have wayyyy too much self-confidence (it actually is an issue in some relationships I have because i come across as a super strong personality).


Hi,

I just wanted to say that was me 4 years ago to a T. I am short myself and it didn't help that I was fresh out of college with a social work degree and doing lateral entry teaching. (had ZERO teaching experience) I was 22 years old and no joke I had students in my high school class that were like 20, 22, BUT I never told them how old I was and they tried to guess so much. I just finally told them I was born in 1922. :P~

I had guys in my class that were 6'3 and some even taller and I still had to let them know where I was coming from on many occasions. You are right, it is about the way that you carry yourself. Teens really pick up on body language and they can scope you out and try to figure out whether you really are in authority or not.

I noticed that this even carries over into other areas of life. There were times that I was in meetings (leading) and I felt so small and lacked total confidence, BUT I told myself that I could do it and I smiled and tried to be as professional as possible because many of the parents were even wanting to play 'let's guess how old she is'

So..maybe with our dc, they may even pick up on our body language as well and our facial expressions and may know that we aren't feeling as confident as we can. It takes time and patience with ourselves to be able to grow in those areas.

Just wanted to add that in :heart

[Strumbelina]

Another little person here. :giggle
I have always been little, so when I was growing up I learned that I couldn't act little or people would walk all over me! I couldn't stand a bully and was known to get in between a bully and some poor kid that couldn't or wouldn't defend themself. It's a wonder I survived childhood. :O
Anyways I learned in life to be fiesty and actually I have had to tame that fiestiness quite a bit...it wasn't well suited to GBD or to being graceful in any circumstance really. :no

So now people generally perceive me to be gentle and that is good. Every now and then however, they may mistake my gentleness for mouse-likeness...and then I may show a little fiestiness if necessary.
Now it surprises people when they see that side of me, and it makes me glad because it is confirmation that I am in better balance these days. :yes

I agree it is a confidence thing....I have learned to have confidence without having to appear 'tough' all the time. For you it may be that you learn to have confidence without being scared of being too assertive.
Either way, it is learning to rest in the authority that God has given us as parents and as His ambassadors in this world.
HTH