situational help

[KarenBoo]

The other day, I had a situation with my DD, and her friend, both age 4. The mom and I are good friends, and so are our daughters. However, when they leave, there is often trouble. I know it’s because the girls don’t really want to be apart, but I’d like to know some ideas to make this go smoother.

Here’s what happened most recently:

We had had a lovely day together taking a long drive. We all had a really great time with no troubles or squabbles. We finally arrived home (to my house) and it was time for the mom and her DD to leave. The other little girl said “bye ‘no no (daughter's name)” as if she were calling her a name. My DD had a complete meltdown from this, as she’s very sensitive, and extra sensitive at the moment. She was crying so hysterically that she nearly threw-up, and I’ve not really ever seen her so upset. In fact, this happened on Friday, and the cold that she was getting over got worse – much more coughing from this episode, and she’s still sick today. :cry

The other mom felt pretty bad and explained to her daughter that the comment had made DD feel so bad, and did she want to apologize? The other little girl did not, so I said good bye to them, and took DD away to make an attempt at comforting her. (which made her wail all the more because she wanted to receive an apology and a “nice goodbye”) Then just as they were about to pull away, the other little girl decided she did want to apologize, so we went over there so that she could. She said she was sorry, and they left. DD continued to cry until bedtime, and as we talked about it, she said that hearing “sorry” did not make her feel better.

We talked about what behaviors she liked and didn’t like in her friends, and I told her that she can always choose to not play with someone who was hurtful to her. Then she just cried even more saying she wanted her friend “to be sweet like meeeee” (waaaaiiiillll)

Now I realize that both girls were tired (not hungry), and it had been a long day and it was hard to say goodbye. I get that part. But saying goodbye after a long day of fun can not be prevented – that’s just going to happen.

I would really like to know what we could have done better as parents in that situation. How would GBD look like for the other little girl, and how could I validate DD’s feelings and empower her?

Thanks for the help!

[OpalsMom]

It sounds like your daughter was feeling really bad because of her cold. I would encourage her to see her friend's behavior in that light; as something thoughtless that your daughter had big feelings about because of her situation, but not a tragedy in the grand scheme of things.

The other little girl's mother sounds like she did fine to me; she explained to her daughter that your daughter was hurt, her daughter tried to apologize. In the situation, I don't think I'd have done much different myself (in other situations, I might have tried to get DD to make amends as well as apologizing, but it sounds like here that would just have dragged out a no-win situation for longer).

Do you think a goodbye ritual would help them say goodbye well?

[4monkeysmama]

I agree with a routine for goodbye, as you're together so often. She's also at the age where you could say, "Ten minutes to bye-bye", "Five minutes" and so on. Not that she will understand the quantity of what ten minutes is, but that you are reminding her it's getting closer to that bye-bye routine, whatever that would look like.
Good byes are hardest for my oldest, and often we had to leave with her in tears at that age. It's so hard. We had friends in MA and she would cry the first half hour home, even with a routine and reminders.

[Amber]

I was going to suggest a goodbye ritual too. Maybe they could have a special goodbye handshake or a silly song and dance.