How to use GBD on an aggressive 5 year old?

[luvinmykidz]

I am not being a very good parent lately....my child has become aggressive with his sister and I don't know what to do and so I end up yelling at him or threatening him. Sometimes the momma bear comes out and I feel like hitting him back (I never have but I have felt it :blush) So today him and his sister are in his room playing dinosaurs and she decides to move one of the dinosaurs that he had set up. Well instead of coming to me for help or using his words he takes the toy dinosaur and whacked her in the eye with it. Her eye looks ok but it looks like it may turn a little black later on. I am so angry that he keeps hurting her. I get so frustrated and don't know what to do with him when he does it. It has my husband VERY angry ~ he is very peticular that boys NEVER hurt Girls!! We don't know what to do!!! Any suggestions would be great! I am feeling like a bad mama pregnant moody and constantly losing it with my little guy. I just want peace in our home. We don't spank him so I don't know where he is learning the aggression from. :shrug As a result she is becoming more aggressive with other kids from what she is learning from him at home!! :(

[Serafine]

No advice, but I just wanted to say :hugheart

[ArmsOfLove]

he's *learning* the aggression from the testosterone surging through him :)

I'd do a few things--consider food issues if this has been a problem prior to this age; make sure if he's being aggressive that he goes to the bathroom; get him LOTS of outside and big muscle moving time; make sure that sister is respecting his boundaries :)

[Serafine]

; make sure if he's being aggressive that he goes to the bathroom

:think Can you explain this to me? Why go to the bathroom?

[ArmsOfLove]

because often children this age ignore or are not in tune with needing to go to the bathroom (too much else to do ;) ) and if they need to go they will get more aggressive until they do :)

[Serafine]

because often children this age ignore or are not in tune with needing to go to the bathroom (too much else to do ;) ) and if they need to go they will get more aggressive until they do :)


Wow! I had no idea...not that I should considering I still only have 2 in diapers! :) Thanks! I just file all this stuff away for future reference.

[klpmommy]

because often children this age ignore or are not in tune with needing to go to the bathroom (too much else to do ;) ) and if they need to go they will get more aggressive until they do :)


:think I have definately seen this with P.

P's aggressiveness with E is usually related to one of the following (he will be 5 in less than a month)- food dye (our newest discovery, but it makes him a Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde), needing to get "big energy" out (outside time or if we can't do that something inside that helps, or sometimes a trip to the store where he can walk/run) , tired or hungry (take care of the need- rest of food & all is better), or E is being an annoying little sister & he needs time away from her- that one I can catch before it gets bad when I am paying attention, but often I am not paying attention b/c they normally play so well together.

But with the food dye- since we realized this was a problem a few weeks ago I can see a totally different kid when he has food dye & when he doesn't. The no-dye kid is much less aggressive than the dye kid. I would have never in a million years believed that something he ingested could do this to a kid, esp since it isn't medicine but in FOOD. It doesn't effect E at all the same, but I am learning what foods have dye in them & which don't & I can tell when I have missed something by his aggressiveness.

[Crawfish Monica]

because often children this age ignore or are not in tune with needing to go to the bathroom (too much else to do ;) ) and if they need to go they will get more aggressive until they do :)


:think I have definately seen this with P.

P's aggressiveness with E is usually related to one of the following (he will be 5 in less than a month)- food dye (our newest discovery, but it makes him a Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde), needing to get "big energy" out (outside time or if we can't do that something inside that helps, or sometimes a trip to the store where he can walk/run) , tired or hungry (take care of the need- rest of food & all is better), or E is being an annoying little sister & he needs time away from her- that one I can catch before it gets bad when I am paying attention, but often I am not paying attention b/c they normally play so well together.

But with the food dye- since we realized this was a problem a few weeks ago I can see a totally different kid when he has food dye & when he doesn't. The no-dye kid is much less aggressive than the dye kid. I would have never in a million years believed that something he ingested could do this to a kid, esp since it isn't medicine but in FOOD. It doesn't effect E at all the same, but I am learning what foods have dye in them & which don't & I can tell when I have missed something by his aggressiveness.



Do you have any good resources about how to find out if food dye is an issue with one's child? I have wondered if food sensitivities contributes to my child's challenges with aggression soemtimes. TIA!

[Titus2Momof4]

I hope this doesn't come out like I'm criticizing the way you do things :hug but one thing that struck out to me was this:

So today him and his sister are in his room playing dinosaurs and she decides to move one of the dinosaurs that he had set up. Well instead of coming to me for help ......

I would suggest keeping them in the *same room* you are in, while they play. Especially with these issues going on. One thing that I always do (learned it from a punitive board, but I must say that it works very well) is to keep my kids within a few feet of me at all times. It takes work on your part, esp if you are not in the habit of having them nearby at all times--funny enough, the few times I slip and don't pay attention to the fact that the kids have wandered into someone's bedroom to play, these are always the times I hear "MOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!", reminding me they should be in my sight lol-- but it does a LOT to head off these kinds of problems. :yes It is IMO a very proactive technique. Sometimes, your presence is enough to stop this kind of behavior, but if a child is still going to do it even w/you right there, you can at least (hopefully) see it coming and stop it before it gets there, kwim? Is that something you've ever tried doing (keeping them close by)?

[klpmommy]

Do you have any good resources about how to find out if food dye is an issue with one's child? I have wondered if food sensitivities contributes to my child's challenges with aggression soemtimes. TIA!

No resources, it has just been observation & instinct. I really had no idea that P could be reacting to food dye until one day dh gave him some Hawaiian punch & P went wild. He was raging, very aggressive, out of control. I still didn't fully connect the dots b/c there were other things going on that day to contribute, but it made me start to think that there was something organic going on. We cut out the dye that we knew of & P was doing a lot better so we thought we might have found the cause, but we weren't sure. Then about a week & a half later he had a flavor ice popsicle at church & BANG- aggressive, out of control, etc was BACK. That was the clincher for us. Since then things are getting better, but we are finding food dye in so many places- vitamins, medicines (tylenol, benedryl, etc), toothpaste, some of our biscuits, etc.

So if you suspect food dye might be a problem- or any other food- I would start a food journal. You can either do what I am doing & just take notes when you see a problem or you can journal every day what he eats & if you see any kind of patterns.

HTH.

[luvinmykidz]

Forgot to add that he has been diagnosed with Sensory integration dysfunction...not sure if that is related or not?? Just thinking about what you said Kimberly!! My DH let him have some Mike Ikes candy today and I do believe they have red dye in them :shifty

[klpmommy]

I would bet $$ that they had red #40 which is P's worse trigger by far.

Oh, and P being aggressive to E or the animals is one of dh's biggest triggers, too. He worries that P will hurt Binkiness once she is born. Which is one reason I am glad we are figuring out about the dye now.

[ArmsOfLove]

Forgot to add that he has been diagnosed with Sensory integration dysfunction...not sure if that is related or not?? Just thinking about what you said Kimberly!! My DH let him have some Mike Ikes candy today and I do believe they have red dye in them :shifty
if he is undersenstive to touch then he doesn't realize he's hitting hard at all. to him it feels very different

I would very much increase his physical outlets

Also, the book Sensory Secrets is great :)

[luvinmykidz]

Thanks for the ideas.....but back to the original question....what do I do with him after the deed has been done?? After he has hit his sister and hurt her???? Any ideas for taming the mama bear who is getting ANGRY at seeing her little girl get hurt by her little boy??? :shifty

[hey mommy]

I found this article rather interesting and helpful..

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/131963/is_the_red_40_food_dye_additive_having.html

http://www.floridadalton.com/RedDyeAwareness.htm

[ArmsOfLove]

Thanks for the ideas.....but back to the original question....what do I do with him after the deed has been done?? After he has hit his sister and hurt her???? Any ideas for taming the mama bear who is getting ANGRY at seeing her little girl get hurt by her little boy??? :shifty
Okay--how to respond, more than how to prevent :think

You separate them, comfort your dd and nurture the wounded party, and ask her version of what happened. I'd probably do you hit, you sit. But then you go to him and ask his version. He probably feels violated also. She was in his space, or took his toy, or something else. He is still a little guy and if you need the reminder then put a baby picture of him to remind you :heart Remind him of the rule not to hit and hurt, work with him on scripts for how to set boundaries, remind him to walk away or call for help. We have the rule if you hurt over something you lose it.

[Titus2Momof4]

Thanks for the ideas.....but back to the original question....what do I do with him after the deed has been done?? After he has hit his sister and hurt her???? Any ideas for taming the mama bear who is getting ANGRY at seeing her little girl get hurt by her little boy??? :shifty
Okay--how to respond, more than how to prevent :think

You separate them, comfort your dd and nurture the wounded party, and ask her version of what happened. I'd probably do you hit, you sit. But then you go to him and ask his version. He probably feels violated also. She was in his space, or took his toy, or something else. He is still a little guy and if you need the reminder then put a baby picture of him to remind you :heart Remind him of the rule not to hit and hurt, work with him on scripts for how to set boundaries, remind him to walk away or call for help. We have the rule if you hurt over something you lose it.


:yes :yes :yes

This quote is Crystal's, and is from the "you hit you sit" sticky in the GD FAQs section:

Basically, when children get into it and someone hits/hurts I intervene and move them physically, if necessary, and say, "You hit, you sit. Go to the couch until I come to you." Then I make sure the other person is okay--check them physically, listen to their side of things, reflect and validate AND find out if they provoked the aggression. Then I go to the hitter and calm them down and hear their side and reflect and validate. THEN I bring both calmed children back together and encourage them both, if necessary, to make amends for whatever wrong they did to each other.

the purpose is to stop the encounter immediately and to unravel the knot so that we can retie the bow together

[klpmommy]

I hope this doesn't come out like I'm criticizing the way you do things :hug but one thing that struck out to me was this:

So today him and his sister are in his room playing dinosaurs and she decides to move one of the dinosaurs that he had set up. Well instead of coming to me for help ......

I would suggest keeping them in the *same room* you are in, while they play. Especially with these issues going on. One thing that I always do (learned it from a punitive board, but I must say that it works very well) is to keep my kids within a few feet of me at all times. It takes work on your part, esp if you are not in the habit of having them nearby at all times--funny enough, the few times I slip and don't pay attention to the fact that the kids have wandered into someone's bedroom to play, these are always the times I hear "MOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!", reminding me they should be in my sight lol-- but it does a LOT to head off these kinds of problems. :yes It is IMO a very proactive technique. Sometimes, your presence is enough to stop this kind of behavior, but if a child is still going to do it even w/you right there, you can at least (hopefully) see it coming and stop it before it gets there, kwim? Is that something you've ever tried doing (keeping them close by)?


I think that depends on your kids. Mine play all the time in rooms away from me b/c they rarely have problems. But once there is a problem they have to stick close to me. Or if I notice a problem brewing I will have them stick with me before one can happen. But on a normal day to day basis? Not here. But if they were having problems a lot, I would definately keep them closer. :yes

[Titus2Momof4]

I hope this doesn't come out like I'm criticizing the way you do things :hug but one thing that struck out to me was this:

So today him and his sister are in his room playing dinosaurs and she decides to move one of the dinosaurs that he had set up. Well instead of coming to me for help ......

I would suggest keeping them in the *same room* you are in, while they play. Especially with these issues going on. One thing that I always do (learned it from a punitive board, but I must say that it works very well) is to keep my kids within a few feet of me at all times. It takes work on your part, esp if you are not in the habit of having them nearby at all times--funny enough, the few times I slip and don't pay attention to the fact that the kids have wandered into someone's bedroom to play, these are always the times I hear "MOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!", reminding me they should be in my sight lol-- but it does a LOT to head off these kinds of problems. :yes It is IMO a very proactive technique. Sometimes, your presence is enough to stop this kind of behavior, but if a child is still going to do it even w/you right there, you can at least (hopefully) see it coming and stop it before it gets there, kwim? Is that something you've ever tried doing (keeping them close by)?


I think that depends on your kids. Mine play all the time in rooms away from me b/c they rarely have problems. But once there is a problem they have to stick close to me. Or if I notice a problem brewing I will have them stick with me before one can happen. But on a normal day to day basis? Not here. But if they were having problems a lot, I would definately keep them closer. :yes


:yes To each her own :)

Mine rarely have problems, but I do think it is because they are always playing in the same room I'm in. I will admit, too, that part of this stems from a desire for a clean house; with no unsupervised playing in the bedrooms, there are no "disasters" in the bedrooms. Doors are shut and locked, and the older kids know how to unlock the door to go get a different toy or something, and the rooms stay clean all day. The only thing that gets 'messy' is the 1-2 toys they have out to play with, which they put back when the time comes.

So for me, this kinda kills two birds - keeps the house clean, and prevents a lot sibling conflicts. :yes

Again, to each her own. :)