whining and chanting at the store by 23 month old

[greenishmama]

My 23 month old son has been whining/chanting/yelling in the store. For example, as soon as we went into the store today he started asking for a green tractor (he remembered seeing tractors there a month ago). He kept saying over and over "want green tractor" "want green tractor" over and over and over...... I would say, "I know you want a tractor but we can't have a tractor today" (I'm not in the habit of buying toys in his presence anyway, except at yard sales). Or I'd say "You already have lots of tractors at home, we're not getting a tractor today" I use a pleasant calm tone when I say these things. I tried distracting him by showing him things and having him show his stuffed puppy dog things (a new tag along). If I ignore it, he says it louder. Finally I offered him a snack. When he went through the first snack he asked for his favorite- grahm crackers. Every time he wanted another grahm cracker he would shout loudly in an awful tone
"want more grahm cracker" this is a very demanding, bratty tone. He hardly ever talks like this at home. I say "you are shouting, you need to ask nicely" or "that's not nice to shout that way, you need to ask nicely" or "I'll give you one when you ask nicely" He knows what this means and says in a darling little voive, "want more grahm cracker please". It's very sweet actually. So I only give him one when he asks nicely. This goes on over and over. Finally I tried ignoring him to see if he would stop the yelling tone and ask nicely on his own. But I got embarassed as the older ladies were turing their heads and ended up saying that his yelling hurt the other people's ears and to ask nicely. The whole trip was exasperating, a bit embarrasssing and gave me a headache.

What should I do to get him to stop this demanding? Oh- he also started doing it in the car again whenver I stop. "GO bye-bye" he yells. He had been doing this for a while and stopped, and now is doing it again. (He still is rear facing but I have explained stop signs and red/green lights and he has a book about it and understands.)

He has also been repetitively asking for impossible things like "go see firetruck" or "go up in sky" (to that I finally said "we can't- how would we get up in the sky? to which he answered "fly in plane" !) I try telling him there is no firetruck to see but he just keeps saying it over and over and ends up getting whinier and whinier. Sometimes if I tell him maybe we will see one, you never know, it helps.

Am I doing something wrong? How can I get him to stop? I"m losing my sanity.

[OpalsMom]

First off, you have to understand that this drives DH INSANE. He really truly can't stand it. I mean, if she does it in the car, he can't think about driving. It's a safety hazard. Second, you have to understand that we have a kid who likes her boundaries firm.

So here's the deal: That tone of voice is unacceptable. You can want things. You can be unhappy about wanting things. You can want them with every fiber of your body. You can even tell us so, as long as you do it well. If you would like help not being sad about it, I'm happy to help you with that. However, it is not OK to yell, whine, chant repeatedly... We will leave the store. We will go sit in the car. If I am driving, I will sit in the front and read a book. If DH is driving, he will roll the windows down and go sit on the hood and read a book. But we won't stay in the store and we won't go anywhere when THAT VOICE is present.

The tactics you tried are perfectly reasonable ones to try, and I certainly would have tried them first. But when they run out, I go for deciding what's unacceptable and not accepting it. (Why is not accepting it the hard part? Maybe because it always ends up having nasty side effects? But it is the hard bit, always. I have to recite "If it's unacceptable DON'T ACCEPT IT" in my head a lot.)

Yeah, it really messes with your grocery shopping. And people still stare at you. (Although I have to say, the last time I hauled a kicking, screaming DD out of a store and sat outside with her while she got over it, I got nothing but sympathetic looks.) But the nice thing is, it does work.

[klpmommy]

One thing I did with my kids at that age (and sometimes still do it) is I will get the toy & let them hold it in the store while we walk around. Then at the end we give it to the cashier & I tell them that we can hold it the next time we are there, too. I tell them from the beginning that they can only hold it in the store. And if they are acting the least bit destructive they don't get to hold it anymore. It really worked for us, it helped keep the kids entertained while shopping & stopped some of the demands.

He has also been repetitively asking for impossible things like "go see firetruck" or "go up in sky" (to that I finally said "we can't- how would we get up in the sky? to which he answered "fly in plane" !) I try telling him there is no firetruck to see but he just keeps saying it over and over and ends up getting whinier and whinier. Sometimes if I tell him maybe we will see one, you never know, it helps.

Is there a fire station close to you? Take him there sometime. Get out, go in & talk to the firemen. They have always been very gracious to us when we just walk in, let the kids sit in the fire trucks, etc. Sometimes we bake cookies & take them to the firestation to say "thank you for keeping us safe". The firemen appreciate it & it really makes P's day (E not so much). Take your camera, I have yet to have a firefighter turn us down, esp when we show up with cookies. :)

As for "go up in sky"- "That would be so much fun, wouldn't it? What do you think it would be like up there?" "Wouldn't it be fun to be a bird and fly in the sky?" or "maybe when you are --(age?) we can fly in an airplane to see Grandma." or tell him a story about how you flew in an airplane sometime. Take his "demands" and make them into conversation starters.

Oh- he also started doing it in the car again whenver I stop. "GO bye-bye" he yells. He had been doing this for a while and stopped, and now is doing it again. (He still is rear facing but I have explained stop signs and red/green lights and he has a book about it and understands.)

He may understand, but at 23 m he doesn't really *understand*. Just keep patiently telling him that you are at a redlight, that the redlight means stop & that as soon as possible you will go. Then maybe you can make up a "stoplight" song- something silly like "we are at a redlight & we want to go,go,go but we can't, can't, can't. I hope it will be green, green, green, so we can go, go, go" or count with him while you are at the light or sing the abc's. Make stopping at the light something "fun" & "unique".

One thing I *try* to remember is that my kids are learning all the time. They really aren't trying to annoy me, they just want to talk about everything that they are seeing/doing, etc. If I think about how annoying they are, they end up annoying me more. If I think about how interested they are in stuff or how much they are wanting to learn or other positive thoughts I have a much better attitude about them.

Also, P drives me bonkers sometimes in the car. He is such a mover that as soon as I buckle him in the car & he can't move his body his mouth takes up the slack & he talks non stop. When his talking starts to get to me (any long drive tbh) I turn on some music for him or give him something to play with. Today I gave him a little mirror to play with in the car. It bought me about 10 minutes of quiet from him & I needed it.

[AdrienneQW]

One thing I did with my kids at that age (and sometimes still do it) is I will get the toy & let them hold it in the store while we walk around. Then at the end we give it to the cashier & I tell them that we can hold it the next time we are there, too. I tell them from the beginning that they can only hold it in the store.

I am always amazed when you share this! My kids would both throw a :hissyfit to end all :hissyfit if I did this! Even if I told them until I was blue in the face that they were only holding the toy - when it came time to hand it over, they would just die. Just goes to show how different kids can be, and how important it is to find what works for each individual personality!

[klpmommy]

One thing I did with my kids at that age (and sometimes still do it) is I will get the toy & let them hold it in the store while we walk around. Then at the end we give it to the cashier & I tell them that we can hold it the next time we are there, too. I tell them from the beginning that they can only hold it in the store.

I am always amazed when you share this! My kids would both throw a :hissyfit to end all :hissyfit if I did this! Even if I told them until I was blue in the face that they were only holding the toy - when it came time to hand it over, they would just die. Just goes to show how different kids can be, and how important it is to find what works for each individual personality!


Yup, different personalities. But also it is something we did from early on so they were used to it, kwim? But it is kind of like the library- we get to do stuff there that we don't get to keep or at a friend's house, etc.

[greenishmama]

Thank you for your advice. I didn't respond right away as I was away from home. I used to get him a toy to hold right away in the store, I should start doing it again. In the past he did not have a problem with the toy staying the store.

I wish we lived in a city so we could stop in at the firestation. There is one near us but it is volunteer so rarely is anyone there. We are working on a little field trip to see one though. He has seen them before, it's not like he's never seen one. He just wants to see one every day!

He has learned what a stop sign is now and so now when I stop in the car he says "stop at stop sign". I will try making up a song soon though before he starts the yelling again!

[jewelmcjem]

He may understand, but at 23 m he doesn't really *understand*. Just keep patiently telling him that you are at a redlight, that the redlight means stop & that as soon as possible you will go. Then maybe you can make up a "stoplight" song- something silly like "we are at a redlight & we want to go,go,go but we can't, can't, can't. I hope it will be green, green, green, so we can go, go, go" or count with him while you are at the light or sing the abc's. Make stopping at the light something "fun" & "unique".


One thing we did with the kids when they were little we got from the movie "Corrina, Corrina" with Whoopie Goldberg. When we get to the red light, I watch the other lights, then "one . . . two . . . three . . . blow!" and we blow the light from red to green. Sometimes we have to do a second or third try if Mommy's timing is off, but it's a fun game and distracts them a little. The girls are 7 and 8 now and sometimes still ask to do the blowy thing!!!

[cheri]

My dd is 21 months and I usually give her the toy to hold during our shopping trip. I almost always grab a few things from the $1 section when I go to Target. And we return them right before our shopping trip is over.

We have a few kids songs CD's in our car that dd only gets to listen to while we're in the car. They are motion songs, like clapping, so she gets to do the motions or clap while we sing along. Honestly the songs are borderline annoying at times, but much better on the ears than a screaming child.

I also find that most of the time, my dd's behavior is completely related to whether or not she is tired or hungry. I try to time our trips out of the house around when she naps and eats to keep things easier.

[illinoismommy]

My 23 month old son has been whining/chanting/yelling in the store. For example, as soon as we went into the store today he started asking for a green tractor (he remembered seeing tractors there a month ago). He kept saying over and over "want green tractor" "want green tractor" over and over and over...... I would say, "I know you want a tractor but we can't have a tractor today" (I'm not in the habit of buying toys in his presence anyway, except at yard sales). Or I'd say "You already have lots of tractors at home, we're not getting a tractor today" I use a pleasant calm tone when I say these things. I tried distracting him by showing him things and having him show his stuffed puppy dog things (a new tag along). If I ignore it, he says it louder. Finally I offered him a snack. When he went through the first snack he asked for his favorite- grahm crackers. Every time he wanted another grahm cracker he would shout loudly in an awful tone
"want more grahm cracker" this is a very demanding, bratty tone. He hardly ever talks like this at home.

Yes, I know how this is. He wants to see if things are different outside of home perhaps? I don't know why my son acts "different" when out too, no matter what his new attempts are. Try to be silly *hand him an invisible tractor* "here you go sir, here is your tractor. are you going to drive it around the cart?" of course he might be a bit young for this one, depending on whether he is into "pretend" yet. Personally I do not let my son carry things around the store that we aren't going to buy, it delays the inevitable, he's super smart and is all about unloading the cart onto the belt so he'd just get upset then that he couldn't have the tractor and he'd get more attached to it being able to hold it. Once he says "want tractor" and you say "no tractors today" and you try to be silly and it doesn't work and he keeps asking I'd just say "asked and answered! so want to help me find the milk?" (I got asked and answered from crystal :giggle )



He has also been repetitively asking for impossible things like "go see firetruck" or "go up in sky" (to that I finally said "we can't- how would we get up in the sky? to which he answered "fly in plane" !) I try telling him there is no firetruck to see but he just keeps saying it over and over and ends up getting whinier and whinier. Sometimes if I tell him maybe we will see one, you never know, it helps.


try this... "you would like to see a firetruck! me too! what would you do if you saw one?" .... try to live it out with him, be silly.... not logical .... "I am going into the sky right now" *stick out arms* "flying like a bird! do you want to fly like a bird too?"

[klpmommy]

Janet- I love seeing the playful parenting responses from you!!!! :rockon