"You need to..."

[COTK]

So I was "practicing" on my dh the other day....

I was nursing Lucy to bed for the night. He was in the next room watching movie trailers on the internet with the volume on. I kept waiting for him to stop, as he knew I was putting her to bed. Well, he didn't. So I thought, "here is where a 'you need to' line could be used." But as I thought about saying to him, "you need to do something else." it seemed very disrespectful, like I was commanding him or ordering him. I ended up not saying that, but instead saying, "will you do something else please?"

Did it sound rude because he's an adult, and those lines don't work with adults? How is it not perceived we are rudely ordering our kids around? I still don't really understand the whole not saying "please" thing...

:shrug

[SouthPaw]

Well, it is a little different because the relationship is different. Still, i may tell my DH "Honey, I need you to grab me some bread today". Or (with kids or adults) "It's time to turn the volume down, baby is trying to sleep!" Just make your tone of voice non-confrontational. I only say please if it is optional :shifty

[MarynMunchkins]

I use please frequently because I want to model it to my children. :) But that doesn't make the request optional. :no

But I don't treat my dh and my children the same because our relationship is different. :shrug Just because I'm respectful and kind to all of them (at least most of the time :shifty) doesn't mean they get treated in the same manner.

[SouthPaw]

It really depends on your relationship, too. My DH sees "please" as useless and insulting because it is "manipulative". He wants me to tell him things straight up.

[hey mommy]

I just tell my dh "can you please turn that down now?" and he usually does. Or I'll just be mean and say "IT"S TOO LOUD!" or make some sarcastic remark about how I can't think straight b/c his game is too loud. lol..

[loveberry]

I don't particularly care for the "you need to" phrasing unless the person you are applying it to actually has a need. In the situation you describe, the baby needs quiet. The dh needs polite interaction. You could say, "Honey, the baby needs quiet to sleep, please keep the volume down." If the baby was say, running in the street, getting her to safety and then saying, "Baby, you need to stay with Mommy to be safe," is appropriate and true. Baby *does* need to stay with Mom for safety.

I also usually say please. It doesn't imply a request, so much as reinforces decent manners. I think it depends on implementation and tone. If I say, "Alex, empty the dishwasher, please," in a nice but firm tone, there's no question that it's a direction, not a optional request. If I say, "Ali, empty the dishwasher for Mommy, please?" Sounding like a question, maybe a little bit of a cajoling tone, and suddenly it's a request and he's turned me down. In which case I can say, "Oops, I asked when I meant to tell you that it's time to empty the dishwasher. Sorry I wasn't clear. Please let me know when you are finished so I can get the dishes done."

[canadiyank]

I actually have kind of a moving scale of what I say. :think :lol Like loveberry said, I use, "You need to" only when they really do need to. "You need to clean up the toys before you go outside." If it's a true request, I phrase it as so, "Could you get that for your sister, please?"

My in-between is usually, "Please x." Models politeness but is also non-optional, i.e., I don't make please into a question, whether it's at the beginning or end of the phrase. See the difference between, "Pick up your toys, please," and, "Could you pick up your toys, please?" Very different. :yes

Also, I tend to get firmer if I get no response. I have no probs pulling out, "You need to 'x'" if there's no response.

I do agree with you about it sounding rude to an adult. I use it sparingly for either things that truly are needed, or as a firming up response. With dh, most of the stuff I say is optional to him, since he's an adult, lol, so I either truly ask, or I do the, "Please turn down the TV" in a pleasant voice thing.

[Nightingale]

when I was seeing our counselor last year, he told me that we shouldn't say "you need to"--to each other or the kids. Because really will they think THEY "need to"? That instead it should be, "I need you to ____". I don't know :shrug

[milkmommy]

I still don't really understand the whole not saying "please" thing...

don't know
:shrug was it suggested? For something like that I'd step out and say. Honey I'm trying to put the baby to sleep and the volumes loud would you please turn it down. As two adults its VERY unlikely my DH would then say no. :shrug. I tell my child please all the time but I also enforce need boundries. Honey mommy's on the phone could you please play quietly so I can hear.... If needed mommy can not hear you need to go play in your room so I can hear.

Deanna

[canadiyank]

That instead it should be, "I need you to ____". I don't know :shrug


I do that, when I need them to. But as a general rule, I don't like saying, "I need you to pick up your toys," b/c it suggests that it's what *I* need (when really, we all need it) and also, I feel it can be a bit manipulative. :think (The reason I say that is a couple years back I read this book called Nonviolent Communication and he was really big on the "I need you to..." and I ending up feeling sooooo manipulative when I said that to everyone. The premise of NVC is if others hear your true needs they will respond but I just ended up feeling icky to me).

[kazoo]

With DH, I used to think "how can he be so oblivious?" I've heard other wives say similar, so maybe it's a "guy thing"? So if that were me, I wouldn't be surprised at all that he didn't turn the volume. For us, it's all about tone of voice. I could care less about using the word "please." So if it were me in that situation, i'd probably just say "hey, can you turn it down a little?" and it would be all about tone of voice.

[OpalsMom]

DH is pretty good at logical reasoning, but doesn't always notice the same things I do, so I'd start with "The noise is keeping the baby awake." This idea of starting from the idea that maybe they just don't have the information comes from "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk". It works well among adults in our house, and occasionally with DD, who can't always follow the line from here to there...

[COTK]

See the difference between, "Pick up your toys, please," and, "Could you pick up your toys, please?" Very different. :yes


This makes sense to me.

I also agree that "I need you to" sounds self-centered. :no Don't like that one at all.

[hey mommy]

See the difference between, "Pick up your toys, please," and, "Could you pick up your toys, please?" Very different. :yes


This makes sense to me.

I also agree that "I need you to" sounds self-centered. :no Don't like that one at all.


I agree.. I've been 'experimenting' w/C this week. LOL. "Could you pick up the car please" resulted in a 'I don't want tooooooo", but "please pick up the car" resulted in a picked up car. Interesting.....

[canadiyank]

I agree.. I've been 'experimenting' w/C this week. LOL. "Could you pick up the car please" resulted in a 'I don't want tooooooo", but "please pick up the car" resulted in a picked up car. Interesting.....


:tu

[WanderingJuniper]

I use "you need to ..." if it is not an option. usually when we are getting ready to go somewhere. "You need to get your shoes and sit on your butterfly." I do not use that phrase with my husband. If the volume needs to be turned down i'll just say "Can you turn the volume down please?" It gets done. i have no desire to be my husband's mother so I do not speak to him like he is my child.

[MamaCare]

Hmmm.... I use both "please" and "I need you to..." w/the kids and DH. And it works much better (particularly w/my oldest) than "YOU need to..." because, honestly, when we're talking picking up around the house, it's MY need, not theirs. They are fine living with a bunch of clutter and chaos, it doesn't bother them. I, otoh, get all anxious and irritable. So yesterday, when B helped me pick up the living room and I expressed my thanks, he said "It only was a couple things, Mom!" I answered "I know, but I feel so much better when things are picked up, and it really helps me to have you pitch in!" He then, without being asked, moved into the dining room and picked up there! :heart
Whereas, earlier I had told him he "needed" to pick up the TV room (before his friend brought over his Wii for them to play) he disagreed, and it turned into a big problem. :shrug

[ArmsOfLove]

I use "you need to" with my dh--and it's not treating him like a child because when I use it with the children I consider that treating them like people worthy of respect. It's words of boundaries. I would have said, "Honey, you need to come get the children to bed. They are exhausted." That's not bossy, doesn't tell him "now" or indicate that what he is doing is wrong. It's actually manipulative when I say "I need you to" because it's making him responsible for me in a way that he really isn't. It also tends to come out whiny ;)

[Linnis]

Please at the end makes it a question, please in the middle means it's an order without being rude.


"Could you turn down the tv, please?" or "Would you please turn down the TV." One is clearly not a question. Although I take a different tone with my nephew than with my DH because well for one, my husband is not a child and while both should be respected there are different ways of showing that respect.

Like saying "Would you please do..." and a thank you when it's done is much more polite and respected the child as a person than "Turn the TV down, or else." or something.