Teaching an almost 3 year old honesty

[TrinMama]

So my oldest dd, who is on the advanced side of smart (probably not "gifted" per se, but definitely ahead of other kids her age), has started to make up stories about what she's done and is blaming her sister for her own actions. Example, yesterday, she dumped a huge bucket of foamies on the floor, and I said, "Trin! Those stay in the bucket!" She immediately turned to her one year old sister and said, "Madelyn!" with a scolding tone of voice. Another example, one that bothers me a whole lot more, because she does it almost daily: Madelyn approaches her with hands out, probably touches her/brushes her face/pats her arm...Trinity goes to HIT her back. I say, "Don't hit your sister" she says "Madelyn don't hit me!" or "But she hit me!" Or, there's a mess and I know M wasn't even near what happened because I was HOLDING HER, and I say, "Trin what happened" "I think Madelyn made a mess" She can't find something she misplaced, and again, I know M had nothing to do with putting it in a strange place, and I hear "Madelyn lost xyz".

So, how do we teach her honesty? How do we teach her to stop blaming her sister for her own slip-ups? How do we teach her to 'fess up?

[MarynMunchkins]

, there's a mess and I know M wasn't even near what happened because I was HOLDING HER

Don't ask for an answer you already know. ;) Just say, "Oh, I see you made a mess. We need to clean it up."

Remember that a *lot* of dishonesty starts because of fear of punishment. If you are able to discipline without it, lying becomes less of an issue. I remind all of mine (well, not the baby :giggle) that I need to truth so I can help them, not so they get in trouble. :)

[TrinMama]

We rarely have any punishment in our house...I'm very big on positive discipline and GBD when I can. Admittedly, DH is less into GBD, but he has never been punitive when it comes to dd doing things wrong (just when he's over the edge aggravated at bedtime...'nother story). We have always encouraged her to tell us the truth, and have thanked her for telling us when she's made a mess or broken something. Prior to the last few weeks, really, she's been upfront and honest. :shrug

[Allison]

If you know what happened, don't ask her. Don't give her the opportunity to lie. If you're not sure what happened and you aren't sure that what she is telling is true then ask her if that is what really happened or if that is what she wished happened. Ack, those aren't the right words, though, I don't think.
Somewhere between 3-5 you deal with "words are magic" (I learned this here, so there are many other moms here that can explain this better). They are telling you what they want to have happened as if their words might change what happened.

[Joanne]

I have to admit I was heartily :giggle :giggle :giggle at the subject line.

You don't teach a 3 year old honesty. Only *time* and *maturity* teaches it.

Developmentally, smart or not, she's 3! 3 year olds are wild, creative and age expectedly flexible with their powerful words.

Ignore the "truth" issue and focus on the actual presenting issue. "Your sister is hurt. I need to comfort her." "The blocks are dumped. Clean them up."

[marathonmom]

I agree with all pp's. Don't give her the opportunity to lie. Just state the facts.

FWIW, my now 11 year old did something similar at 18 months. She knew she wasn't supposed to touch the
buttons on the stereo. She was doing it with her dolly. I asked her to stop, and she said "Dolly." IOW - Mama,
Dolly is the one doing it here, I'm not really to blame. :giggle

[Whisperlily]

It sounds like your tone is being reflected in what she's saying to her sister...

You might try using a teaching method with T instead words that sound like scolding? Could you put the sponges back in the bucket please? And offer help if necessary... that way, if she does project your tone onto her sister, it will be in a helpful way.... M, let me help you put the sponges in the bucket.

If she loses something, and you answer with, "I'm sorry, I'll help you find it... next time put it right here so we can find it." Then she will be much more likely to come to you for help instead of trying to pass off your disappointment to her sister. And she'll be more willing to help her sister if she does lose something. :heart

[canadiyank]

Yep, at that young of age she's firmly in the "words are magic" stage, which means she thinks b/c she says something, it's real. Now, of course you want to teach and expect honesty, but to understand the age-expected behaviour will help you immensely. Remember, she's two, still a baby, really. :yes Knowing that she thinks by saying something that it's real, and addressing the behaviour instead of the "lying" or the stuff she's saying, you'll be well on your way to helping her. This article on lying (http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/lying.html) might be helpful, too!

:hug

[TrinMama]

thanks, ladies, that's all very helpful! :yes

[kochh2]

:yes aaaaa-hhaaa, it makes sense when you say it like that!! words are magic!!!