Troubles with my oldest son and my behavior

[Michelle-Lea]

Clay is a very sensitive child and it pains me the way I act tword him sometimes. I'm working so hard at being gentle, but I really think that my personality is working against me. I know I'm going to sound like an awful mother and I'm really sorry for feeling this way. But, sometimes, Clay cries for the littlest things. He can't tie his shoe, he lost on a video game, he can't figure out a puzzle, he wrote a letter wrong..etc. Well, to me they are little things. I just don't know how to act when this happens. My first thought is "why is he crying over this?" followed by me telling him something like "stop acting like a baby, I have 3 and I don't need another one". :jawdrop :cry It comes out of my mouth before I even think about it. I'm so ashamed by that behavior. I know it's not right and I'm not dealing with it right. But, when I have 3 other little ones that cry at the littlest thing and and older one I think should be maturing, it just frustrates me. Does this make sense? I feel so ashamed just writing it, but I want to learn how to change my behavior and to help DS in those times, not make it worse.

[Joanne]

:heart :hugheart

We expect so much of our firstborns! And when they are male, we expect so much more in terms of certain kinds of maturity.

I'd start first with a program of connection and attachment. This will help heal and improve your relationship. It will make him feel (and act) better and help you not "go there" with him when he frustrates you. I'd play, wrestle, tickle, play board games, make up silly songs, kiss him. *Connect* frequently throughout the day; deliberately. You're the adult and mom and it's up to you to heal the rift; he's not able.


I'd be honest with him, he's old enough. "Son, I've been impatient and inappropriate with my words. I'm sorry. Together we are going to work this out."

While happy is not the only acceptable emotion, over emotion is something that can and should be addressed. Some kids need a lot of coaching and even imposed boundaries. "That situation is a 4 and you are reacting with an 8. This is what a 4 looks like" and do something more mild.

BTW, I used to be against "telling kids how to feel" until I had a kid who needed - desparately - scale coaching.

Practice what 1-10 looks like. Make it fun. When a real life situation happens, give him information, perspective and scale and help him stop the over emotion.

At his age, you can also tie things to appropriate playing. If losing a game creates a poor loser (some with poor winners), the game goes away.

[AdrienneQW]

Ditto Joanne (as usual!).

I used scale coaching with my SED kids in a group home where I worked and it was such a wonderful tool for them - it gave them something concrete to consider when their emotions bubbled up and started to take control. I used to actually have them look at the inside of their wrist - like where robot or superhero might have some kind of action panel :giggle - and visualize a meter of sorts where the low numbers were green, the middle numbers yellow, and the top numbers red. Very few of them were fluent in identifying/discussing their feelings, but every single one of them learned to recognize and report "I'm moving to red!" :tu

With that said, I have a sensitive boy. Granted he's five, but still his reactions are sometimes more what one would expect from a 2-3 year old instead of a boy who is almost 5½. I know it can be difficult - sometimes I just look at him like this: :hunh Why are you flipping out over this? And I've gotten frustrated and snappish, and then I just hate myself for it. So I absolutely know where you're coming from. :hug2 Show yourself some grace, mama.

[Michelle-Lea]

Thank you for the idea of scale coaching, I will definetly give it a try with him.

We have a very loving relationship...hug, kiss, wrestle, play, talk, read..etc, so that's not a problem. I just don't understand the overreactions he has. I pray daily for patience and I know the only way to achieve patience is to practice and God sure does give me situations to practice it in. :lol:

[Marsha]

My oldest does it too, and it sets up a panic response in me that in turn I respond with anger because it panicked me for a minute.
She catastrophizes if that's a word. But then when I watch my reactions, I know where she got it. ;)

[Joanne]

I just don't understand the overreactions he has.

I am quite stoic myself. Emotion and particularly over-emotion baffles me.

He is of an age where you might also consider talking to him about our cultural expectations on boys and men. I have finally got to where I think sensitive boys are wonderful. But I think we do our sensitive boys a disservice if we aren't honest with them that there IS a different standard in operation for them and they are likely to be teased and mis-percieved if they are sensitive. Don't have the discussion with the intention of changing him or with judgement, but offering factual information. Even homeschooled kids will soon get exposure to someone who will utter "sissy" or "baby" or "mama's boy" to a sensitive young male.

[puah]

i really like Joanne's scale...how old does a child need to be for it to work. my 5yo tends to be very emotional and i'm quite stoic and baffled by her wails.

[marathonmom]

My middle child (Hairdo) just turned 9 and we have had this same thing. In fact, I told her we needed to look at her bedtime, bec. I wonder if she is getting enough sleep. Just yesterday, I remember saying to her - this is the third time today that you have burst into
tears, and I wonder if you need more sleep? Not very nice words :blush

Joanne has already given you very good advice. Meghan (canadiyank) did a thread a while ago on dealing with disappointment (the book)
If you search it up, you may have some ideas there as well.

I don't have a lot to add, but I wanted to just let you know you are not the only one dealing with tears in a 9 year old. :hug

ETA: Please don't be too hard on yourself. Of course you don't want those words to pop out - but sometimes they just do. Grace
is there for mamas too. :heart