SweetMelissa
08-06-2007, 01:32 PM
I don't even know where to start. I had a couple of really good days, where I felt like I was handling everything really well. We started doing a comfort corner, using the 5 steps often, correcting aggression, reflecting emotions, etc. My dh was a different story. He works long days on the weekends, and when he was home, he was very aggravated with the boys and reacting strongly to every negative behavior. When dh would raise his voice or start to use accusatory or shaming language, I would try to quickly offer an alternative way to handle the situation. I knew that I needed to talk with him about some of the GBD strategies I am trying to use and get him on board, but I have not had much time to talk about anything with him. I did talk to him a little here and there this weekend about the comfort corner and the 5 steps but just enough to introduce him to the concepts.
Anyway, this morning, I got very frazzled at breakfast time. DH had worked overnight and was about to go to bed, but I was having a moment of chaos as the baby was screaming, ds1 was climbing on the table and biting into unwashed fruit, and I was trying to prepare everyone's food. Dh came in and said a few things to ds1 and then said "I'm going to bed". I got visibly frustrated, and dh asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to tell him at first, and I just kept doing what I was doing, but then I spewed something about me dealing with a million things at once and him just going off to bed. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him I didn't exactly expect him to do anything, but it would have helped if he had just realized that the situation was stressful and offered some moral support or just hung around until things calmed down a bit. He felt very attacked, obviously, because he felt the need to attack me with "at least I'm not using condescending tones to tell you how to deal with the boys." I told him "if you want to address that, we need to address that, but it doesn't have anything to do with this." He pointed out that I was using harsh tones with ds1, which I had "gotten after" him for. I don't remember what else we said, but we raised our voices and went around for a bit. Ugh. He ended up staying up and feeding the baby his breakfast, and we apologized to ds1 for using loud voices and not very nice words in front of him, which had obviously affected him. :cry But we didn't really resolve anything between the two of us. I told him I needed some time to talk with him about some important things, but I never know when is a good time to bring them up.
The thing is, I know we could be a really good team if we could just both get on the same page. For a while, we were just kind of coasting and improvising as far as discipline, and we didn't fight about it because neither one of us knows what we are doing, but we try to support each others' decisions and present a united front. We tend to balance each other out; when one is not handling things well, the other one steps up and diffuses the situation or comes up with a different way of handling it. I had a whole week where I felt ineffective, out of control, and like I just wanted to run away. That week, dh was the "good guy". The next week, when I started reading more stuff on here and getting motivated to pull things together, our roles switched. I just really want to get to the place where we are working together to put GBD into practice and being effective as a team. I don't really know how to make that happen, though. I have a hard time getting dh to sit down and read parenting related stuff, and I can't relay it all to him verbally.
The other thing is, he gets really frustrated when he feels like I am making a family decision and "imposing" it on him (such as discipline or bedtime routines). He says he wants to be a part of making those decisions, but then he doesn't really take the initiative to research options and weigh pros and cons. I feel like he has areas where he knows more about the subject so he makes decisions regarding that subject and I don't expect to be a big part of that. Likewise, I know more about certain subjects, so I should have the freedom to make some decisions without going over every detail with him.
Ugh. I could go on and on, but I guess I just want to know how others work together with their husbands, and how you get on the same page with them regarding parenting stuff.
Anyway, this morning, I got very frazzled at breakfast time. DH had worked overnight and was about to go to bed, but I was having a moment of chaos as the baby was screaming, ds1 was climbing on the table and biting into unwashed fruit, and I was trying to prepare everyone's food. Dh came in and said a few things to ds1 and then said "I'm going to bed". I got visibly frustrated, and dh asked what was wrong. I didn't know what to tell him at first, and I just kept doing what I was doing, but then I spewed something about me dealing with a million things at once and him just going off to bed. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him I didn't exactly expect him to do anything, but it would have helped if he had just realized that the situation was stressful and offered some moral support or just hung around until things calmed down a bit. He felt very attacked, obviously, because he felt the need to attack me with "at least I'm not using condescending tones to tell you how to deal with the boys." I told him "if you want to address that, we need to address that, but it doesn't have anything to do with this." He pointed out that I was using harsh tones with ds1, which I had "gotten after" him for. I don't remember what else we said, but we raised our voices and went around for a bit. Ugh. He ended up staying up and feeding the baby his breakfast, and we apologized to ds1 for using loud voices and not very nice words in front of him, which had obviously affected him. :cry But we didn't really resolve anything between the two of us. I told him I needed some time to talk with him about some important things, but I never know when is a good time to bring them up.
The thing is, I know we could be a really good team if we could just both get on the same page. For a while, we were just kind of coasting and improvising as far as discipline, and we didn't fight about it because neither one of us knows what we are doing, but we try to support each others' decisions and present a united front. We tend to balance each other out; when one is not handling things well, the other one steps up and diffuses the situation or comes up with a different way of handling it. I had a whole week where I felt ineffective, out of control, and like I just wanted to run away. That week, dh was the "good guy". The next week, when I started reading more stuff on here and getting motivated to pull things together, our roles switched. I just really want to get to the place where we are working together to put GBD into practice and being effective as a team. I don't really know how to make that happen, though. I have a hard time getting dh to sit down and read parenting related stuff, and I can't relay it all to him verbally.
The other thing is, he gets really frustrated when he feels like I am making a family decision and "imposing" it on him (such as discipline or bedtime routines). He says he wants to be a part of making those decisions, but then he doesn't really take the initiative to research options and weigh pros and cons. I feel like he has areas where he knows more about the subject so he makes decisions regarding that subject and I don't expect to be a big part of that. Likewise, I know more about certain subjects, so I should have the freedom to make some decisions without going over every detail with him.
Ugh. I could go on and on, but I guess I just want to know how others work together with their husbands, and how you get on the same page with them regarding parenting stuff.