Making amends?

[dukeofhazzard]

I have a question about "you hit you sit" with regards to the making amends part. Do you *make* them say "I'm sorry"? What if they aren't? Do they sit until they are? How is that different from a time out?

If *amends* means something different, can you explain?

Sorry if I sound dense, I'm just trying to have a thorough understanding of all this :)

[Close2MyHeart]

I, personally, do NOT make my children say "I'm sorry" I cannot force them to feel sorry and I do not want them to say it if they don't mean it you know?

I do make sure they understand how much it hurt the other (feelings or physical) by either telling them myself or having the other tell them. (The second is much more effective, but sometimes the other doesn't want to.) Typically when they realize it they feel sorry and tell them so. Otherwise I let it go after the sitting and talking about it.

[marathonmom]

When I talk to mine about making amends, I give them choices of 3 things they could do. Of course, sometimes they will choose to do
nothing (I'd rather have that than "forced" amends).

However, if they choose to do nothing, and not to say they are sorry, I do ask the other person if they are ok with that. (Crystal gave me
that idea).

[ArmsOfLove]

yeah making amends may include saying I'm sorry--but it isn't about them feeling a certain way as much as them behaving a certain way. Even if I hate someone I'm not okay taking it out on them ;) I insist that my children take a break until they are ready to make up for what they did--and there is great leeway in what that is. Usually a gentle touch to replace a hurting touch; a kindness to replace a meanness; a kind word to replace a harsh one, etc

[The Tickle Momster]

We really struggle with this here. Often because the 'victim' isn't ready or willing to receive the amends or apology. What do I do then? :shrug Also, how long does it take for them to take the break and be ready to offer amends?

[ArmsOfLove]

It really depends on the issue.

As for the forgiving--that is sometimes a problem here and I do two things. I tell the one attempting to make amends that they have done what Jesus asks of them and they are not responsible for the continued feelings--BUT they need to understand that apologizing and even making amends doesn't really undo the hurt. You can make amends but hitting still hurts (or whatever). I also tell the unforgiving person that it's okay to not be ready to forgive *yet* and they can let their sibling know when they are--but they WILL forgive because that is what Jesus requires of us and it's for their benefit--that they are carrying around a burden that Jesus says to give to him. I then send them to take a break until they are ready to restore the relationship. they have a huge say in when and how, but not in whether.

[The Tickle Momster]

Crystal, thanks! It sounds great on paper, but how does it play out with a 4.5 boy? This approach will be somewhat new to them. We've talked about helping the wronged child feel better but not the spiritual aspect. I can see sending them to take a break until ready being a huge battle here. Would you, at a calm time, explain what your new expectations are (they aren't really new, just more firmed up)? This has been such an issue for us, I've kind of just let things drop. :blush How do I get us on a better track? What does it look like with a 2 year old?

[ArmsOfLove]

with a 2yo it's actually been pretty easy compared to a 4 yo ;) and, yes, at a neutral time I'd explain the new boundary. And your other post is encouraging :hug