What do I do when... (BIG list of situations...)

[poleidopy]

I feel like I am a GBD failure. I always think of what I should have done, after the fact, and in the moment I screw up and act too permissive or look like a fool *trying* to do something, but it ends up being the wrong thing. Like today, we stopped to visit a friend who is closing her store. The whole place was empty except for a computer desk and a few things on the floor and a fridge. DS was running around like crazy, and kept getting into things after she told him not to. How do I keep him from doing that? Things we couldn't just put up or move (like getting in the fridge into her food & stuff.) So...

What do I do when 3yo DS:

hurts his brother? (usually picking him up to move him and accidently but sometimes on purpose knocking him down)

runs from me (I always try to keep a hand on him, but sometimes he breaks away. Today he tried to run out of a store & there is a busy street in front of it. )

does something I have told him NOT to do (opening the fridge, getting into something (like today it was cake - he is allergic to it. We have fridge locks, I had a gate up and he still got int.)

tells me"But I WANT to_____________(whatever I've told him not to do, like "I want to hit! I want to kick! I want to hurt people!"

tells me "NO!"

interrupts? (I tell him to say excuse me and wait, but he just says EXCUSE ME louder and louder until I can't hear whoever is speaking to me and have to address him.)

tries to get something from me I have told him not to (like I took a toy away earlier and sat on it. I couldn't get up to put it away b/c I was nursing & on the phon, and he kept trying to pull it away from me.)

Being persistent when I have told him "no" about something.

DOes something I don't want him doing (though not necessarily "bad") like pushing a chair over or throwing clean laundry on the floor or spilling something then splashing in it.)

The biggest one is not doing what I have told him to do, or doing what I have told him NOT to do.

[Joanne]

hurts his brother? (usually picking him up to move him and accidently but sometimes on purpose knocking him down)

Impose a "no touch" rule until he's able to control himself. Kids often have very mixed emotions towards new and younger siblings. Combine that with age expected immaturity and not understanding how much they can hurt others and you have a potential for issues.

runs from me (I always try to keep a hand on him, but sometimes he breaks away. Today he tried to run out of a store & there is a busy street in front of it. )

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=18

Also make "staying safe" a condition of going to places he enjoys. If he doesn't stay safe (with clearly defined and communicated rules), you leave.


does something I have told him NOT to do (opening the fridge, getting into something (like today it was cake - he is allergic to it. We have fridge locks, I had a gate up and he still got int.)

Supervision. Assistance with cleaning up any mess he made. Proactively decide what's the attraction and supply *that* appropriately. If it's a certain food trigger, figure out what he needs to minimize the trigger. If it's sensory issues he craves, supply those. If it's mystery, make a mystery box. If it's climbing, make a climbing place.

tells me"But I WANT to_____________(whatever I've told him not to do, like "I want to hit! I want to kick! I want to hurt people!"

"Yes, I know. It's ok that you want to ________. But _________ is not acceptable. I will help you not _____ until you can stop yourself."


tells me "NO!"

Assist him in compliance. Often ignore the "no" challenge and help him comply anyway. However, take a look at your commands/must dos. Make sure the ones you offer are those you really need.

interrupts? (I tell him to say excuse me and wait, but he just says EXCUSE ME louder and louder until I can't hear whoever is speaking to me and have to address him.)

"Ask once for a turn. I will hold your hand until I am ready. When I am ready, I will say your name and it will be your turn." Practice many times with him. At first, address him very quickly after he takes your hand. Add more time, slowly, as he gets better. Thank him "for waiting while I finished my conversation with Mrs. _________"

I'd also tell him that if he can't wait quietly, he will wait slightly removed from you.

tries to get something from me I have told him not to (like I took a toy away earlier and sat on it. I couldn't get up to put it away b/c I was nursing & on the phon, and he kept trying to pull it away from me.)

Get off the phone, and stop nursing temporarily to show him that your words mean business. Parenting 2 young ones means that someone has to wait, at times.

Being persistent when I have told him "no" about something.

Be more persisent than he is.
Make sure your no it worth it.
See if there is a way to say "yes" to the underlying issue.
The Five Steps.
GOYBP

DOes something I don't want him doing (though not necessarily "bad") like pushing a chair over or throwing clean laundry on the floor or spilling something then splashing in it.)

See the above. Also, he needs to fix and clean up.

The biggest one is not doing what I have told him to do, or doing what I have told him NOT to do.

Get up and make him.

[FoxDenLane]

Thanks so much for this! :clap

I thirst for real-life applications of GBD for little boys! I'm off to check out your links...

[poleidopy]

so when he knocks over a chair or throws something, making him pick it up is the consequence? I don't have to *punish* him beyond that? (Not that I am always wanting to dole out punishments, it's just so hard when everyone I know IRL looks at me like I have two heads if he doesn't get a time out or a swat or something.) :blush

[klpmommy]

Also, remember that people (esp little kids ;) ) don't hear the words "no", "not", "don't" , etc. Think of the movies where the people are up high & someone says "don't look down"- what is the first thing that happens? Without fail, someone looks down. It is really hard to NOT look down after being told not to. Or the "don't look now" comment from someone- our first instinct is to look now! So as much as possible tell him what TO do rather than what NOT TO do. It is hard & sometimes requires really creative thinking on the adult's part. (And sometimes seems so obvious when someone else tells you what to say instead that you want to :doh BTDT!)

If he is a runner in general (some kids just are more likely to run than others :shrug ) a harness is a great help. You can get them pretty cheap at WalMart, BRU, etc. This is very similar to the one I have, but they also make really cute ones.
http://www.amazon.com/Mommys-Helper-Kid-Keeper/dp/B00081L2SU/ref=pd_bbs_4/102-5124390-6850552?ie=UTF8&s=baby-products&qid=1186078372&sr=8-4
http://www.amazon.com/Eddie-Bauer-Harness-Buddy/dp/B000EBITU8/ref=pd_bbs_2/102-5124390-6850552?ie=UTF8&s=baby-products&qid=1186078372&sr=8-2

I never used a harness in place of my hand, but it was a great back up plan, kwim? I would put the harness on P, hold his hand & if he got away from me he couldn't get far. *I* was the real harness, the blue one was just in case. I never had to use one with velcro E. :smile

I also used P's curiousity "against" him. He wouldn't want to come to me so I would grab something & hide it behind my back and start playing "I have something behind my back- do you want to see it?" and w/o fail he would fall for it & come to see what I had. It might be one of his toys, something from my purse, whatever I could find. Then when he got to me I would show it to him & then play with him (light tickles, raspberries, piggy back ride, etc) as a "reward" for coming. Now hiding things behind my back no longer works, but having a secret is great! :giggle Like my dad likes to say "old age & treachery will overcome youth any time". :lol

Another thing I really try to remember is that the traits at this age that make me :banghead are traits that I *want* my kids to have when they are teens & adults. Like persistence. Persistence is a great thing, I really want to encourage it in my kids so that they don't give up easily when the going gets tough. But right now that makes my job tougher. It doesn't change much to remember that persistence is a good thing, but it does help *my* attitude about it, kwim?

And at 3 y/o Playful Parenting (Cohen) was a sanity saver for me. Seriously some days being playful to get compliance was the only thing that kept me from pulling out all of my hair.

[klpmommy]

so when he knocks over a chair or throws something, making him pick it up is the consequence? I don't have to *punish* him beyond that? (Not that I am always wanting to dole out punishments, it's just so hard when everyone I know IRL looks at me like I have two heads if he doesn't get a time out or a swat or something.) :blush


Logical consequence is picking up the chair. It might also involve for us that P has to sit next to me until he is fully calm, that he isn't allowed in that room or that I move the chair to a safer place (easier in my large house than your apt, I know). It depends on why he knocked down the chair, kwim? Punishment is not going to teach him any quicker.

Also, I have to remind myself of this OFTEN- P *needs* big movement time. And if for some reason he isn't getting it in a positive manner, he will get it in a negative one. Our best days are the ones where we play outside or go to an indoor climbing area or set up a way for him to play "big" here inside. He has a lot of energy in a little body & it *has* to come out. For example, yesterday morning P was all over the place and he was being borderline destructive inside. DH took him outside & had him race around the yard & when P came back inside he was much calmer. So right now I am trying to make my first response to some of P's misbehavior "let's go outside & play". A far cry from punishment, *but* it is getting to the root cause, kwim? Punishment isn't going to get to the root cause so it isn't going to solve the problems.

[poleidopy]

Thanks, it's hard to remember sometimes *why* they are acting the way they are, instead of just wanting to MAKE IT STOP. NOW. :shifty I definitely understand the outside play thing. If we're inside for too long, I turn my back for one second and every cushion is off the couch and loveseat, piled on the floor to make a slide/landing pad/fort, etc. That literally takes up the WHOLE living room. Then I know we need to get outside before someone jumps wrong and busts their head open on the bookshelf. :doh

Playful Parenting is one of the books I am taking with me to read while I'm at the beach. :rockon

[AmyDoll]

I feel like I am a GBD failure. I always think of what I should have done, after the fact, and in the moment I screw up and act too permissive or look like a fool *trying* to do something, but it ends up being the wrong thing. Like today, we stopped to visit a friend who is closing her store. The whole place was empty except for a computer desk and a few things on the floor and a fridge. DS was running around like crazy, and kept getting into things after she told him not to. How do I keep him from doing that? Things we couldn't just put up or move (like getting in the fridge into her food & stuff.) So... I would have left. Also, how was your timing? Sam is a totally different kid when he's well rested & has food in his belly. I keep crackers & granola bars in my bag.

I think I'll have some half-decent insight here - we are in the same spot :)

What do I do when 3yo DS:

hurts his brother? (usually picking him up to move him and accidently but sometimes on purpose knocking him down) We're learning empathy :) "Stop. Look at your brother. Nicholas is sad. You ran him over. Can you make it better?" :yes Sam usually responds with a kiss and an, "Are you alright?" If not, then I help him with words and actions.

runs from me (I always try to keep a hand on him, but sometimes he breaks away. Today he tried to run out of a store & there is a busy street in front of it. ) Runners have to ride in our family. I don't mess around - Sam is still in the cart or on the back of the stroller.

does something I have told him NOT to do (opening the fridge, getting into something (like today it was cake - he is allergic to it. We have fridge locks, I had a gate up and he still got int.) Fridge lock? He can't be responsible for himself. I'd babyproof to his standard.

tells me"But I WANT to_____________(whatever I've told him not to do, like "I want to hit! I want to kick! I want to hurt people!" We ALL feel like that sometimes. Reflect his feelings & give him an appropriate way to express his anger/frustration

tells me "NO!" In response to a directive, like "get your shoes we're leaving?" and then you get a great big "NO!" I'd 5 step him.

interrupts? (I tell him to say excuse me and wait, but he just says EXCUSE ME louder and louder until I can't hear whoever is speaking to me and have to address him.) We have this problem sometimes too. I put up one finger as a reminder. And if I need to I will stop and remind Sam of the rule about excuse me (you have to wait for a pause in the conversation to say, "excuse me")

tries to get something from me I have told him not to (like I took a toy away earlier and sat on it. I couldn't get up to put it away b/c I was nursing & on the phon, and he kept trying to pull it away from me.) probably I would hang up the phone and give him some attention. We like to read books while I'm nursing.

Being persistent when I have told him "no" about something. "Asked and Answered" and then redirect "It's time for..."

DOes something I don't want him doing (though not necessarily "bad") like pushing a chair over or throwing clean laundry on the floor or spilling something then splashing in it.) I just have Sam fix the problem

The biggest one is not doing what I have told him to do, or doing what I have told him NOT to do. 5 step :)


HTH :)