Only child depravation

[Linnis]

Are only children deprived? I have been told by several people(parents of many, parents of 1, only children) that a child with no siblings is missing something.

DH is also under this idea we cannot have just one child. :hunh

The nobody to play with, no one to grow up with, no cousins later on etc.


:shrug :/


What do you think?

[hey mommy]

Well, i can tell you that after 5 yrs of being an only child, mine is BORED and desperatly wants a sibling. I feel like he is being deprived of the sibling relationship and everything(good & bad) that goes w/it..

[MomTo7]

I don't know. I can tell you that every person I know that is a only child (but one) feels that they really missed out and are still missing out. The one I know that is happy to be an only child is a very spoiled and bratty person. I think she would have been like that no matter what.

I can't image not having a brother and a sister but everyone is different. :)

[Teribear]

Well...after nearly 40 years of being one and nearly 10 years of raising one I can tell you it all depends upon the child. My DD doesn't have any desire for siblings. It might have something to do with the fact that she's surrounded by my teenaged churchkids and that's filling that need for her I don't know. I went through phases of desperately wanting a sibling and phases of thanking God I was an only. I will say that as I head into the "sandwich generation" years its kinda daunting to think of my parents depending solely on me in their golden years...however in observing families with multiple kids it has been my observation that it still always comes down to one or two being the ones 'responsible' for the decisions regarding the parents. :shrug

The advantages for us far outweigh the disadvantages. We can do pretty much whatever we want to as a family, there are only the three of us to consider when making travel plans, we can afford to indulge her interests even when they're a bit more expensive. Its nice. As she once told one of her teachers "I'm an only child...and I think I LIKE IT that way." :giggle

[Carmen]

My DH and I are both only children. (Well, kind of. I have a brother that I didn't know I had until I was reunited with my birth parents a few years ago, but until then I was an only.) I don't know that I ever felt like I was missing anything, although it would have been nice to have someone to play with at times. I think we are both perfectly normal, well adjusted people.

That being said, I am so glad that my girls have each other. I hope they will grow up to be close.

[illinoismommy]

I'm an only child .... my half sister was born when I was 11 1/2 so I was alone until then, and although I recall playing hide and seek with her at about 13 and her almost 2, for the most part we didn't have much in common.... now she is 15 and we can do more but there is still quite a gulf.... that being said, I chose to make my first baby a sibling (or more probably) :heart

[allisonintx]

I was an only child for seven years. I remember introducing myself in school, "Hi, my name is Heather, and I'm an only child" I wanted a sibling so so so badly. I believe I prayed him into being :mrgreen

I watch my mother, whose only sibling died at 48 of a massive stroke care for her elderly and infirm parents with no one in her life who really really understands how she feels, and I ache for her. My MIL is doing the same thing as her own sister died at an early age of cancer. They are so alone, and yes, deprived of the company of a sibling.

Both of my grandparents on my mom's side were 'onlies' as well. They both have said over and over and over how they long for the comraderie and relationship of a sibling.

This is my experience in my family and in great part, the reason I wanted a large family. I know it is not the same for everyone, though. I know many families who, for one reason or another, are really really blessed to have the one child that they do. I know there are many advantages to having a singleton...shoot, there are many moms of singletons here at GCM who have taught me a thing or two about parenting my brood!

[Linnis]

My MIL is one of 7 and still is the only one to care for her Dad.


My only sibling disowned me when I became a Christian. :shrug



He may be the only baby I'm blessed with, after TTC, miscarriages, bed rest, the birth, breast feeding delay selective vax, delayed solids etc etc but that means nothing if he's an only child.... :hunh

[amanda1]

When I wasn't sure if I would be able to have a second child I read a book about having only children (unfortunately I cannot remember the name of the book) but afterwards I felt a lot better about it. Basically one of the things the book said was that in this generation there will be a lot more only children because of women statring their carreers and realizing at 40 they better get busy if they are going to have kids, then ultimaterly end up with one because they are unable to have a second due to their age, and because of a lot of marriages ending after just one child was born and by the time the mother might get remarried she's too old for another. Anyway it also pointed out lots of benefits on having an only, so I really think it is pretty much of the grass seeming greener. . . It is what you make of it. One of my best friends in an only, her mom was too and she can't imagine it any other way. You can't guarantee siblings will be there for you in the future anyway. I left it in the Lord's hands, He knows what's best for us.

[HuggaBuggaMommy]

Mt ds is an only. He thinks a sibling will solve *all* his problems :giggle He basically wants someone to play with, so he doesn't want me to actually have a baby, but for us to adopt one about his age. I understand, especially when all the families at our church - and most of the families we know - have 4+ kids.

I agree with Terribear - there are advantages and disadvantages. We can do a lot more, even if it's just going out for ice cream or mini-golf, because there's only one to pay for, and we can just get in the car and go places, if we feel like it, because there aren't four kids that have to be four different places that day. :shrug Of course, there are thing's he's missing, too. But, that's how God intends it for now, so :praise .

[loveberry]

Alex is an only and I have no plans to change that. I think it's like anything else. There are trade-offs. Onlies miss out on siblings. Multi-kid families miss out on all the stuff that comes with having or being an only. I don't think one situation is inherently superior to the other.

I generally think that family is a lot wider than what's defined by blood. Alex and I have some great people around who show us a lot of love and care, none of whom we are blood related to.

[Ali]

Alex is an only and I have no plans to change that. I think it's like anything else. There are trade-offs. Onlies miss out on siblings. Multi-kid families miss out on all the stuff that comes with having or being an only. I don't think one situation is inherently superior to the other.

I generally think that family is a lot wider than what's defined by blood. Alex and I have some great people around who show us a lot of love and care, none of whom we are blood related to.

:yes Exactly!

The onlies I know who are now adults are all the most kind, generous, responsible people! So I don't think that plays into how we are as adults.

[hey mommy]

The only 'only child' i know (irl) commited suicide in 2000.. :(

[Linnis]

The only child I know, just got siblings at the age of 26 and says she's glad to have been an only.

[Ima LeShalosh]

I am an only child and I liked it when I was younger, but now that I am an adult, I feel like I miss out on a lot. I will never be an aunt, so I will never know the excitement of that. When mom and dad die, I will be the only one there to take care of matters and have no one other than my hubby and children to be there for me...etc

[mindyeva7]

My ds is an only. (Mostly, his 17 & 19 yr old brother and sister don't live with us) He has never said he wants another sibling his age. He is happy but I AM his biggest entertainer. At times that has me wishing he had siblings his age, but I am happy with the one.
As for me, I have a sister who lives on the other side of the country. We fought almost all of our lives. She is 22 months younger. We hardly talk at all now and to be truthful, I would have rather been an only..... :shrug

[3PeasInAPod]

Well, I keep getting questions from family about when I'm going to have another one, b/c "ds needs a big brother/big sister" .

Anyhow, one of my friends has only daughter. She's already 7 now & they're not planning on anymore. I think one thing that always helped her dd was being involved & making lots of friends. She always has a sleepover or get-together every weekend & is involved in dance & sports. She's pretty well-rounded & seems to have done really well as an only child. I do see her get spoiled with material things a lot.. She always has the latest, greatest item.. but her parents can afford it...

[Auroras mom]

I guess I know so many adults who have strained or no relationship or even bad relationships with their siblings that I don't believe the old "well, you have to give them siblings so they can have that relationsip." I believe we, as the parents, need to do what WE can handle. The child will have good/bad come to them in their life, and God will help them through the bad. It is our place, in my opinion, to do what makes us the best parents. For me and my husband, that means having only one child.

For the record, I am kind of an only child. I was an only until I was 14, and then my dad and stepmom (with whom I did not live - or even live near) had my sister and a son two years later. I never met those children for about 8 years. So, while I love them dearly, and spea to them occasionally, I still really consider myself an only child, as that is how I was raised. I liked being an only, and would not change anything about how I grew up. There were (and are) pros and cons, but for me, the pros outweighed the cons by a long shot.

[Rabbit]

My brother and I are not on speaking terms, and mostly just battled as children. My mother and her twin are somewhat close, but her other two sisters moved to opposite coasts to get away from each other, and the rest of their family. My father is somewhat close to his brother, but again, his sister took off to another state and makes contact only once every few years, and his brother took off to another state as well. My DH's family has a son they do not acknowledge, who is in jail, they don't list my husband in the family Christmas letter, and only treat the two sisters like family. Siblings made nothing better in our families, and only contributed to negative patterns.

Having no siblings don't mean anything. It's who and how you are as a family. It's about -why- there is only one child. How the parents treat just one child. Same is it doesn't mean diddly that there are lots of siblings. It's about the whole family's dynamic.

[illinoismommy]

I have two cousins that are only children and they seem just like anyone else to me :shrug

[HomeWithMyBabies]

From a family systems perspective, you can have a beautifully functioning system of two or three people and a toxic, dysfunctional system of ten people, and vice versa. It's not the numbers that matter. :shrug

I think there are advantages and disadvantages either way. We decided to have a second child because we felt our family wasn't complete yet. My SIL feels done with one. Maybe my niece is "deprived" of constant companionship, but maybe my kids don't get as much individual parental attention as they would like either.

And I know there is the issue of caring for elder parents, but Terribear is right, it's most often one sibling more than another anyway and when there *is* equal help it's very difficult to come to a consensus about certain issues.

[Allison]

It depends on the situation. I have three siblings who are much older. I raised as a only child. I desperately wanted siblings closer to my age. I think many of my negative traits stem from the fact that I didn't have siblings my age and my time with children my age was limited. I never had to learn to share my things or my time.

My husband is an only child, but always had cousins around. The aunts took turns caring for 3-4 cousins at a time. He had people his age to play with daily and learn social skills with.

My reason for having my children two years apart is so that they could play together and relate to each other and have someone around besides parents.

Only children who get enough time with people their age will likely be fine. They will have to deal with the burden of aging or dying parents alone, though. I think about that for my dh all the time and it breaks my heart. I may not be close to my siblings, but at least they are there when we'll have to deal with the difficult things in the future.

[deena]

He may be the only baby I'm blessed with, after TTC, miscarriages, bed rest, the birth, breast feeding delay selective vax, delayed solids etc etc but that means nothing if he's an only child.... :hunh


A little defensive? No one is suggesting all that.

[liamum]

From a family systems perspective, you can have a beautifully functioning system of two or three people and a toxic, dysfunctional system of ten people, and vice versa. It's not the numbers that matter. don't know

I think there are advantages and disadvantages either way.

ITA. I was never close with my sister at all. But DH is very close with his brother. I think it just varies soooo much, depending on so many factors. I think often we romanticize sibling relationships. I think people who are super-close with their siblings stand out to me because more often, I meet people who aren't best friends with their siblings by any means. Again, I hate to say even that because I am probably generalizing too much.

We think DS will be an only child. Though I am leaving myself open to change at some point - but right now we are leaning toward having only DS.

But there are a lot of myths about only children:

http://utopia.utexas.edu/articles/opa/only_children.html

[Wonder Woman]

He may be the only baby I'm blessed with, after TTC, miscarriages, bed rest, the birth, breast feeding delay selective vax, delayed solids etc etc but that means nothing if he's an only child.... :hunh


A little defensive? No one is suggesting all that.


I imagine someone IRL is, hence the reason for the OP :shrug

[Wonder Woman]

we have an only. :shrug He will probably always be an only.

Not my ideal choice, but to be honest, he's a miracle. After all we went through to have him, I can't see us having any more. I can't see making the *choice* to have more when it looks as if I'd be hospitalized through most of any subsequent pregnancies :/

:sigh It is what it is....he seems pretty happy!

[4monkeysmama]

My best friend in high school was an only child and felt the same way Teri's daughter did....she liked it.

[flowermama]

I haven't read everyone's replies :O but I personally thought being an only child was fine.  I'm an introvert, though, so that may be part of it. :shrug  I loved doing things with my parents, and my mom is my best friend.  :heart 

There are things I know I missed out on, but I think there were good things, too, and I really was/am okay with being an only child.  My dad was an only child and hated it -- but his birth mother was very distant (and his father left) and he was a foster child part of the time when he was growing up, so his situation was very different from mine.

btw, I feel like I should mention that I had a brother for a very short while when I was ten :heart ; he was a premie, though, and never came home from the hospital. 

[dukeofhazzard]

I wasn't an only child.. but my brother wasn't born until I was 6 1/2. I very much enjoyed being an only for the short time that I was -- I *did* pray for a baby brother ;) - but I remember really enjoying being an only.

[hey mommy]

So, what if your only is begging you often for a sibling? my heart breaks every timehe asks..... and im in tears just writing it.. he stares at babies longingly more than i do!

[dukeofhazzard]

So, what if your only is begging you often for a sibling? my heart breaks every timehe asks..... and im in tears just writing it.. he stares at babies longingly more than i do!


I apologize, I don't know your exact situation? If having another child is not an option for you, I suppose I would try to make sure he was able to be around other children? My older DS ADORES babies, but I'm not really keen on giving him one ;), so I try to hang out with people who have babies as much as I can.

Sorry :hug2 it sounds like you're really hurting, and I don't know what to do but give you :hug2.

[Elora]

hey mommy :hugheart :hugheart :hugheart :hugheart

[hey mommy]

So, what if your only is begging you often for a sibling? my heart breaks every timehe asks..... and im in tears just writing it.. he stares at babies longingly more than i do!


I apologize, I don't know your exact situation? If having another child is not an option for you, I suppose I would try to make sure he was able to be around other children? My older DS ADORES babies, but I'm not really keen on giving him one ;), so I try to hang out with people who have babies as much as I can.

Sorry :hug2 it sounds like you're really hurting, and I don't know what to do but give you :hug2.


click on my myspace icon and read my blog....

[dukeofhazzard]

Oh goodness heymommy! :hug2 :hug2 :hug2

I will not say that I can imagine how you must feel, because I can't. :hug2 You'll be in my prayers.

[Linnis]

He may be the only baby I'm blessed with, after TTC, miscarriages, bed rest, the birth, breast feeding delay selective vax, delayed solids etc etc but that means nothing if he's an only child.... :hunh


A little defensive? No one is suggesting all that.


Many people IRL are. I can barely go to a family event or church without the "You have to have another baby." oh and it has to be a girl in case I only have two.

So, what if your only is begging you often for a sibling? my heart breaks every time he asks..... and im in tears just writing it.. he stares at babies longingly more than i do!

DS is my miracle baby, after years of TTC and miscarriages. I got pregnant the month after I was told by the specialist my ovaries were almost non-functioning and I'd never get pregnant without extraordinary means.

:hug2
I'm sorry, heymommy, I think from your posts you long for another baby. I want another baby and before we actively start TTC it's like I've already let my son down...

[Rabbit]

So, what if your only is begging you often for a sibling? my heart breaks every timehe asks..... and im in tears just writing it.. he stares at babies longingly more than i do!


We always share our children's pain, but so much more so when the pain was ours first. :bheart You both have to grieve, and learn together what happens after grieving.

[kazoo]

I'm coming to this post late -- I searched for "only child" on the forums and it was the first to come up.

I'm an only child and DS will probably be an only child. DH was the oldest of 3. I struggled with this, because we are happy with our family dynamic, and really neither DH or I desires to stress our lives by adding another baby. Let me say at this point that I'm *not* one of those people who thinks people with 3+ kids have "too many" -- I'm only saying that for us, for our family, it would be more stressful. I love reading articles about people who love having babies and appreciate that joy.

I beat myself up about DS being an only child for quite some time, asking myself: am i selfish? Am i scared? Will he feel alone in life? etc. -- all those questions that everyone's already mentioned. Then my dad said to me: "Never have a child because someone else thinks you should." And likewise, never have a child because you think someone else thinks you should, which was part of my problem.

It's funny to me when people ask if we're having more. My cousin just had baby #6; people have been asking them when they're going to stop 2 babies ago. It's all relative to what people perceive as the "norm," and whether they perceive that "norm" as being "right," which is silly, because as a PP mentioned, it's all about family dynamics.

As an only child, I can say that my ideas of having a sibling were unrealistic. I thought that if I had a sibling, he/she would be doing all the nasty yardwork with me -- that's when I felt alone, doing ugly yardwork all day Saturday by myself. (DH says that having sibs doesn't mean they'll help you, LOL.) The only other thing I remember is that I wanted my parents to play games with me all the time. So I would say that if a child is an only child and feeling lonely, they need lots of time with friends and it's good if you can do stuff with them, whether it's games or including them in your hobbies, etc.

I don't feel like I'm missing out. My family has always lived distances apart, so our church and friends was our family -- indeed, "friends that stick closer than brothers." My mom is 1 of 4 sibs, but only my aunt is able to care for my grandmother, so as far as that's concerned, she might as well be an only child. :shrug My mom is able to send $$ to help but my bachelor uncle and other aunt living in Africa are comparatively disconnected.

[Freetobeme24]

Hello everyone,

I too am coming to this post late, but I had to post since this is right up my ally.

Kazoo, you had a great explanation..very well spoken! You could be a journalist! :P~

Right now we have one son and he is an only as well. We are content for now being a family of 3. To me there are advantages and disadvantages to ANYTHING in life. Just think about some of the forums on GCM. There is homeschooling. In that realm, you have so many types of ways to homeschool. Then you have public school. That has so many different ways, including stuff like, private vs. public. Another example could be vegetarians and non-vegetarians. When you look at vegetarians there are even sub categories within that dynamic. I said all that to say that no matter what you choose in life, things always tend to look greener on either side of the fence. Just like some people (who I know IRL) who are single, say that once they get married, they will finally 'be happy.' Then I have a family member who says that what if she never got married or never had children? She thinks that would have been 'better' for her.

In the case of having an only child, some may think that some of the 'negative' characteristics associated with being an only (which are often myths) will vanish if they have a sibling. I do not think that is true at all. To me, there are SO many characteristics within a family unit that none of us can ever say with certainty that choosing to have one child or having more than one will make things smoother on the other side. I like what several of the posters in this forum said about the family systems perspective.

Family isn't just about the titles that people are given. Family could be your neighborhood, your church, places that you volunteer, places that you work, great places like GCM :heart

I am okay, knowing my own personal life and family dynamics, with having an only child whether that is true now or 10 years from now. Either way we will try our best to do what is the right fit for our family.

[liamum]

Thank you, Kazoo and Gregory's Mom for your well-thought-out replies. Along with everyone else, you've given me some great insights.

Although officially the jury is still out on whether we'll have more, I still am leaning toward DS being an only child. And all of these posts give me lots to consider :)

[Granola_mom]

Are only children deprived?
What do you think?


I am an only child...the apple of my parents eyes! No spotlight to steal...I already had it. I had huge Christmas's, birthday's were gigantic!!. Undivided attention...all the time.
Deprived....NOT by a long shot!!
However I did fantisize as a child, of having a sibling....that came and went. I always wanted my parents to adopt from another country...maybe they had spoken about it once or twice and I caught on... :shrug...

I was very very happy and satisfied.....never bored, and always had a ton a friends... I guess being the one and only pushed me to be a more social person and I'm grateful for that..... Not a bad deal. Dh is an only child too.....
:giggle One small issue....we both want it OUR own way!

[Ali]

:giggle  I am one of 4 and DH is one of 5 siblings and we still both want it our own way! 
I think everyone had some good points. 

:hugheart to those who long for more and are facing difficulty.

[ArmsOfLove]

do onlies miss out on things? Yes--everything that comes with having siblings. I missed out on having a sister. My only dd will not have a birth sister. She has 4 brothers who on good days drive her crazy ;) and 3 of my children will never have the experience of being multiples--of speaking twinese and of sharing a womb with someone as close as a brother can be. My twins will never know what it's like to not be two ;)

I think it's ridiculous, quite honestly, to make parenting choices based on the idea that a child might miss out on something if you don't do . . . because your child will always miss out on something. Their life is their life and it has to be whole with what it is. If you grieve the absence of another child then they will likely do the same. If you are confident with them and your family is, afayc, complete then they will likely feel the same.

There is no guarantee that when you get old, have an old parent, need help or anything, you will have someone you're related to or who cares about you and is alive. You may be the only one left :shrug That doesn't mean you didn't have a rich life :heart

[kazoo]

Crystal thank you so much -- it's taken me a long time to get to realizing that, that there's always something to "miss out" on.

My mother was looked down on by other mothers with 3 children. :mad Now I realize that my cousin with her 6 children could have looked down on those mothers with "only" three. :giggle

What's important is the health of the family as a whole. Seeing it that way helps me immensely -- instead of looking at it as a decision for myself, I feel I'm better able to make decisions (when afforded the choice) when I think about how different things will affect our family as a whole, which takes into account not only my personal issues, but how my physical/mental/etc well-being affects the family dynamic, and so on.

[Freetobeme24]

Great thread, very insightful! :tu :tu

[Mother of Sons]

I used to be pretty envious of the parents of onlies. It seemed to me that parenting must be WAAAAAAY easier for them. No sibling rivalry, no "he did it" No having to choose which kid gets to have you at his soccer game. Less cooking, easier homeschooling, less clutter, Less noise, less noise, less noise. I'm glad I have 4 kids and I wouldn't change it but I used to really think about that stuff and sometimes I still do. Then I had just one with me all week (like this week actually) and he wanted my attention all day and then having an onlie didn't seem as great lol.

My sister and I basically hated each other all growing up. She was forced to come to my wedding (I didn't care if she was there or not) she didn't invite me to hers. I think it was more of a parenting problem than anything else. Weirdly we are best friends now!

I don't think there is a guaranteed formula. Don't make any decision based on what other people say, do what you want to do.