I just need some support and encouragement :cry

[SweetMelissa]

I have had such a hard week with my ds-2.5. It seems he has suddenly turned into a different child. He recently dove into potty learning, and has become very independent in many ways. He has also become very defiant and is testing me at every turn, as well as being aggressive with his 7 month old brother, which has never been a problem before. I am well aware that this is all normal 2 year old behavior, but I am not handling it well. I feel like I just can't get through to him without yelling or being very physically firm with him right now. We have been doing a lot of time outs, which usually just serve to make us both more mad. The other day, as I was fighting to get his diaper on him so he could take a much needed nap, I smacked him on his bare bottom out of frustration and desperation. I know I just needed to take a time out and let us both calm down, but I didn't, and I hurt my baby, and I feel terrible.

So, this morning, I was talking to my mom about it. She is a daycare provider who has gotten her CDA and is very knowledgable about caring for children, but she still believes that spanking is OK and sometimes a necessary part of establishing your authority and providing consequences. When I talk to her about my struggles, she always tells me I need to find my "authoritative voice" and let him know I am in charge. Today she told me "you may just have to shut him in the bedroom and let him cry for a while" and "don't feel too bad about spanking him, he'll remember that next time" and that if I give him a few swats to get my point across, then I can use that as a warning, and he'll listen to me better. I have talked to my mom about my beliefs about discipline over and over, and she knows I don't want to spank. I just feel so frustrated and beaten down.

I know I'm missing something here. I know part of it is he's needing more structure, more attention, and more outdoor activity, but I just have so little energy due to not getting much sleep, and I'm feeling spread very thin. I'm just feeling like I don't know what my alternatives are when it gets to the boiling point. Ugh. I don't know. Any words of wisdom? Pleeeeeaaasssse? :pray4

[Joanne]

First, have you read this?

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=1988.0

sometimes a necessary part of establishing your authority and providing consequences. When I talk to her about my struggles, she always tells me I need to find my "authoritative voice" and let him know I am in charge. Today she told me "you may just have to shut him in the bedroom and let him cry for a while" and "don't feel too bad about spanking him, he'll remember that next time" and that if I give him a few swats to get my point across, then I can use that as a warning, and he'll listen to me better. I have talked to my mom about my beliefs about discipline over and over, and she knows I don't want to spank.

Although I completely agree with being comfortable with a firm voice and commands, my advice to you is:

Stop talking to her about it. Don't "go there". Find like minded moms to talk to.

I know part of it is he's needing more structure, more attention, and more outdoor activity, but I just have so little energy due to not getting much sleep, and I'm feeling spread very thin. I'm just feeling like I don't know what my alternatives are when it gets to the boiling point. Ugh. I don't know. Any words of wisdom? Pleeeeeaaasssse?

This will be brutally honest. You need to follow through on the above regardless of yoru energy drain. It's what your child needs and will actually help you instead of hurt you.

Is is possible you are depressed clinically?

[Eowyn]

:hugheart

Come on over. The backyard is kid-friendly again, and it's not too terribly hot, plus, we recently acquired a patio set perfect for mommies to sit at and sip iced tea.

It was so hard for me when Ian and Henry were those ages. I think that was the hardest stretch of all--that was the one where Ian would randomly reach over and claw his brother's face for no apparent reason. It was awful. :shiver

I found things better on the days I did a lot of getting off my butt, and lots and lots and lots of physical redirection (like picking him up and moving him to the opposite end of the room from his brother). It would have been awesome just to be able to go over to somebody else's childproof house and sit and not have to worry while having a little bit of adult interaction. 2.5 was brought a lot of fresh childproofing for our house.

So please, come on over and sit in my messy living room. The boys can squabble over cars and blocks while you take a break and refresh yourself. :hug

[SweetMelissa]

First, have you read this?

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=1988.0


Yes, I have, but it's always a hard thing for me to remember. My mom is super supportive in most areas of my parenting, and I basically talk to her about everything. She has been my advocate through two homebirths, extended nursing and tandem nursing, and it is just second nature to turn to her for support, especially because she deals with kids all day too.



This will be brutally honest. You need to follow through on the above regardless of yoru energy drain. It's what your child needs and will actually help you instead of hurt you.

Is is possible you are depressed clinically?


I know you're right. I know so much of this is exacerbated by my laziness and excuse making. I have never had a problem with depression before, but I feel pretty down lately. I think it mostly boils down to a lack of good sleep and severe lack of "me time".

Lindsay, thanks. Maybe I could come by tomorrow. It would be good for both me and Finnegan. We tried to make it to the LLL playdate today, but Finnegan was not cooperating when it was time to get dressed, and I was afraid he'd give me a hard time while we were out. I'll give you a call.

[Susan K]

When my oldest was2.5 my youngest was born. My oldest is very high energy .What I did was go out to the back yard. I would sit on the grass with the baby while ds 2.5 ran around. I got out trucks,balls hippty hops to help get out the energy.
Susan

[Eowyn]

Lindsay, thanks. Maybe I could come by tomorrow. It would be good for both me and Finnegan. We tried to make it to the LLL playdate today, but Finnegan was not cooperating when it was time to get dressed, and I was afraid he'd give me a hard time while we were out. I'll give you a call.

I'll have the phone on me. :-)

I remember not going places a lot when Ian was that age. I couldn't successfully keep up with him and juggle Henry at the same time.

It really does get easier in that department as they get older.

[canadiyank]

That's such a tough time...both kids need so *much* of you, and especially if you have a tendency toward depression and aren't getting enough sleep or "me" time. Ask me how I know. :shifty :hug

But yep, following through is soooo essential at that age. What I do, when I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed, is to draw the "circle" closer around me. For example, if you get frustrated at x behaviour, after repeatedly telling him to do something, draw that closer to you and act *before* you are frustrated. That is key. For my family, that means I say it twice (some people do once) and then I act. That way I can respond before my frustration rises to where I lash out verbally or physically.

Oh gotta go...I'll try to come back later...

[Amber]

:hug2

But yep, following through is soooo essential at that age. What I do, when I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed, is to draw the "circle" closer around me. For example, if you get frustrated at x behaviour, after repeatedly telling him to do something, draw that closer to you and act *before* you are frustrated. That is key. For my family, that means I say it twice (some people do once) and then I act. That way I can respond before my frustration rises to where I lash out verbally or physically.

This is such great advice. I try to do this too. Although for some reason today I didn't, too bad, it probably would have prevented a couple of mommy-meltdowns at our house :blush

My kids are about the same spacing as yours, 2yr apart. The 2.5/7mo thing was really hard. My exhaustion was at it's highest and my patience was at it's lowest. When Cole was 2.5 I came to the realization that I just needed to expect that he would need me to get off my butt and help him comply with my directions every time. So I would give him directions as I was moving towards him to help him (like if he was standing on his little table). I also like to get down to his level and make eye contact before talking to him. If I don't there is a greater chance that he won't hear me because he is too absorbed in whatever he is doing. The 5 steps have also worked wonders for us, especially when Cole is feeling really independent.

[SweetMelissa]

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies and let you know that things have been much better. I had really gotten away from so much of the stuff that I had learned here and in some of my other reading, and had started parenting in really punitive ways without even realizing it. I think (well, I know) that my attitude and my responses to ds's behavior were making it worse, and I am doing much better in this area now. I still have a LOT to work on, and I need to get dh on board too. He agrees with me that we shouldn't spank, but he still says things like "If ever a kid needed a spanking..." or makes jokes about it, and he tends to parent in pretty adversarial ways when ds is misbehaving. I am trying to mostly model appropriate responses, the 5 steps, and reflecting emotions and gently reminding him that ds's behaviors are age appropriate. One major thing we are dealing with lately is bedtime issues, which have been a source of contention for us since ds1 was very young. I probably need to make a separate post about that, but it will have to be another time, as I need to get to bed myself. :yawn

Anyway, I have been spending some time here refreshing my memory, and I feel so much better equipped to handle the challenges of the day. I am sure I will have lots of questions and new challenges, so you'll be seeing much more of me around here. Anyway, thanks again! :heart

[canadiyank]

Thanks for the update! :hug