How to deal with DH who believes in spanking?

[logosnimby]

Dh and i had an extensive conversation about our current parenting methods and he is convinced that i have gone off the deep end. What did you do when your DH wasnt onboard with GBD? How has it affected your family?

[Close2MyHeart]

Dh wasn't on board w/ GBD when we first started. He believed that spanking was right for certain things. Over the past 2 years he's seen what a difference it makes and is understanding it more. He still isn't 100% on board, but hasn't spanked in a long time.

[MarynMunchkins]

My dh still spanks occasionally after 3+ years. :( But I'm not responsible for his behavior - I'm responsible for mine.

In general, I talk with him about what I do and why. I handle most of the discipline so my kids rarely get spanked. I tell him *every* time that I wish he hadn't spanked. (not in front of the kids though ;) ) And if I feel he's out of line in spanking, I step in and prevent it. That might not be an issue in your house, but it can be here.

BTW, I do have a bunch of books here. If you want to borrow anything, LMK and we can meet up. :)

[cheri]

I pray.

dh isn't totally on board with me as far as discipline is concerned. he has never spanked dd, but she's only 20 months, so he feels like she is still too young. he says that it's something we should do when she is older.

the good thing is that he seems to be coming around more and cannot give me an age that he would spank or a situation that would cause him to spank. i'm hoping that as dd gets older, he continues to open his mind and eventually sees that it's inappropriate at any age.

[Joanne]

Here is a starting point:

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=49848.0

Now, more specifically, there is a simple disagreement about spanking. And then there are many issues related to that. Does your DH have a realistic understanding of developmental and age issues? Do you have standards of behavior in common? Do you have a list of rules you both agree on? Does he believe that you should also spank? How does he communicate his disagreement? Is he respectful of your choices, even if he disagrees?

[kazoo]

I think this sort of thing is so hard b/c I've found that in our relationship, me telling him what to do, even in the form of "what I do is ___ because ___," doesn't help. I don't know about other DHs, but mine isn't particularly keen on educating himself w/ books and stuff like I am, so how else can he get this information other than me telling him? But you can convey it through example. Keep doing what you are doing as faithfully as possible. You can also use GD principles in your marriage relationship.

I have a friend who didn't join GCM :cry b/c she felt that some of us were not respecting our husband's biblical authority. She asked what I would do if DH wanted to spank or whatever, and I said "he cannot make me do something that is against my conscience." That is, as a PP mentioned, you can still GD, and he is the one who will have to deal with the consequences of his disciplinary choices.

My DH is actually very easy going though, so I've tried not to make an issue where none really exists. If I had asked and pressed the issue a lot, he might have felt more strongly opposed. :shrug For us, it worked out better that i didn't talk about it too much, but just did it. Since I'm with DS most of the day, DH follows my lead, I suppose -- I hear him using similar phrases that I use, etc. If anyone asks why we don't spank etc, I tell them that I stopped hating who I was when I started GDing, and no one presses the issue further.

From things my SIL's new husband has said, I can tell they will be at odds -- he thinks using belts is OK b/c he got it and turned out "fine" (which I disagree with, but that's another thread!).

That said, it would be incredibly frustrating to feel so divided on an issue central to raising your kids. :hugheart

[luvinmykidz]

I never actually let my DH do it :shifty I was adamant before we even had children that I am VERY against physical discipline and I made sure he knew how strongly I felt about that before we had kids. He has lost his temper at the kids more then once but he has never smacked them. He knows that I would go through the roof if he did. I try to handle most of the discipline stuff cuz I have a bad habit of overstepping him and I know I shouldn't but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I am trying hard to work on it and I appreciate that he respects me enough to not spank our kids.

[MississippiMama07]

DH and I have an understanding, he disciplines his way and leaves me to discipline mine. I figure he works 57 hours a week and I'm going to HS, so how many opportunities is he really going to get to spank our DS? If it becomes an issue later we'll discuss it more, but for now we're fine. :)

[Aisling]

Model your hiney off. :shifty Prattle about childhood development and age appropriate behavior nonchalantly whenever an opportunity presents itself, and be an active parent especially when your kiddos are tired or cranky. :hug

[ReedleBeetle]

My DH started out against GBD, then quickly came around to it being ok, but reserving apanking if he "needed it". He spanked him once after that, realized it was in anger and not deserved and has commited to learning more about GBD. He finally, this week, joined Gentle Discipline for Families. Hopefully it will help him. I am tired of doing all the teaching only to have him argue with me.