Help me validate my daughter's feelings

[Jillian]

My dd (8) will come to me, upset about something and I try to validate her feelings. I'll say things like "And that made you angry?" because she certainly looks angry to me! Well, I might as well have said "And that made you a butterfly?" because no matter what I say, I'm wrong and then she's angry at me. It's like she just wants to fight. It reminds me of that saying "If Mama/Papa ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". I'll sometimes, instead, ask her how she feels (to be on the safe side) and she'll say something like I don't listen to her, etc.

I try very hard to just hear what she's saying and state it back to her, or relate to her how I'd feel in the same situation. But it seems like she's just upset/angry and no matter what I say, she argues. And then I catch myself getting frustrated and realize it's because we're going around in circles. Lots of times when this happens, I tell her she isn't in a good place to deal with it, so she needs to take a break and go relax, splash water on her face, whatever. Because what I really want to tell her is she is being impossible and I can't help her! :shifty I have told her flat out that I don't want to talk about it anymore because it doesn't seem like she wants help, she just wants to argue and I will not continue to argue with her.

I don't want her to feel banished or abandoned, but when it gets to that point, its really best for us to disengage because I have a hard time dealing with it and I don't want to yell at her to stop being so dramatic! :shifty

p.s. It's not the age, she's been like this so she can talk...which makes me nervous, because its only getting worse! :/

[ArmsOfLove]

does she have that reaction no matter what emotion you offer? anger is a secondary emotion--it only arises when you ignore a primary emotion--something like frustration, disappointment, etc. I would try to figure out the underlying emotion.

Also, that she corrects you and tells you what emotion it is is a great thing! One hope with reflecting feelings is that she will gain power over her emotions and it sounds like she knows how she feels. It's for opening up dialogue also--if you can keep active listening then you may be able to help her work *through* the emotion.

Also, i'd avoid "made" in connection with feelings. No one can make someone feel something and she may be reacting to that wording.

hth

[Jillian]

Wow, thanks for the quick reply. :)

Usually it starts out as anger. Then she'll tell me the story and I can see she was frustrated, or whatever. Although, it usually is anger because she has three brothers that...how do I put this...are not driven by the same standards she is. (She is a very meticulous, particular person - with time, property, food, etc. and she has a hard time understanding why other people are not the same way.)

And you're right, about me saying she was being "made" to feel a certain way. I had thought I was aware of what words I was using, because we (everyone) talks about how we own our feelings, but I guess I hadn't put it into action in the moment. She was getting conflicting messages... :think

[ArmsOfLove]

I think I would jump in with frustration--you are seeing the anger but the real feeling is frustration :) It's frustration that is motivating the anger.