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GCM_Sticky
06-14-2007, 02:28 AM
These comments about Comfort Corners have been collected from various past GD threads (or were threads themselves). Please note that each new section has an :arrow in front of it.

Also see this thread for more information about comfort corners: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=114302 .

And this thread about "Why not time outs?"
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=114884

To get this sticky started, here are some helpful quotes about comfort/cuddle corners by ArmsOfLove from the other sticky:

Basically, a comfort corner is any space that is in the living space but not central--I've seen them in corners, under stairs, at the end of a couch in a family room, in a room off of the main space, etc. Some people with little room will designate a chair or area to be the comfort space. In an actual comfort corner you can have your child(ren) help with interior design. Include things like pillows, child sized chairs, books, tapes and headphones, stuffed animals--the things that bring comfort to them and will help them relax.

When my kids get obnoxious or stuck in some negative behavior, uncooperative, etc., then I would say to them, 'Hey, take a break in the comfort corner.' If they resist then I use the Five Steps and helping means I go there with them--cuddle, read to them, sing to them, etc. The one big rule is that the poor behavior is never discussed in the comfort corner.

The child can come out when they think they are ready to rejoin the group and be cooperative/respectful/whatever. If they misjudge ;) then they get to go back until they are ready.The real purpose of the CC is to realize that people who are acting bad are doing so because they feel bad so when you give them a chance to pull themselves together in an environment that helps them feel better they can return to things and act better.Think of the CC as a child version of a coffee break. The CC is a life skill--it's taking a break and regaining your composure, recharging, changing your attitude--it's not time out :). . . if I come over and you've been having a bad day and not behaving well (maybe grousing or yelling at the kids, not doing your responsibilities around the house, etc) which would you prefer me to do:

1) 'I'm disgusted at the way you've been behaving today. Your children deserve better than this. What kind of a mother do you think you are? You need to go into your room for 30 minutes (1 minute per year ;) ) and really think about how bad you are. I will come and get you in 1/2 hour and then I will be nice to you.'

or

2) 'Wow, you're having a bad day. How about I watch the kids for a bit and you go get a cup of coffee and take a break :cup Come back when you're feeling better and if you want to talk about what's going on we can do it then.' :hugQuote by AOL from another thread:

The CC is different from a TO in a few important ways:

presence of comfort objects
child determines how long they stay
not isolated
goal to learn how to regroup, feel good, calm down

I'm not opposed to pure "take a break" times, but if there is a time limit or a "wait for me" or isolation then it's not teaching a true life skill

Here's a beautiful poem by GranolanRainbows about comfort corners:
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/showthread.php?t=356202

Comfort Corner
When I’m feeling Great Big Feelings and I need to get away,
I sit down in my Comfort Corner and take a break from play.
Sometimes I go alone or sometimes mama comes along,
To read a quiet story or sing a peaceful song.
I breathe in happy, helpful thoughts, and blow out all the mad,
God’s arms of love surrounding me, until I’m not so sad.
And when I’m feeling in control of what I’ll say or do,
I’ll say “Goodbye!” to my Comfort Corner and say “Hello!” to you.

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:arrow Title: It's Hard To Say (Comfort Corner)
Post by: Mom Of Two Girls on March 19, 2005, 09:55:29 AM
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Who loves the comfort corner more. Me or Rebecca.

We had a very hard, very out of control morning. I picked up Rebecca and sat in our chair. She asked to cuddle in it all by herself. :clap I gave her a pillow and afghan. She got snuggled up and we read books together. Between books, Rebecca told me she was feeling sad and why. I told her I was feeling sad, too and why. So sweet. She said "mommy, I'm feeling a little better now. But I'm still sad. I need to stay here for a little while longer." :hug

Our house is more settled now. This just so much more effective than a time out. :tu

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:arrow Title: I made one!! (CC)
Post by: phermion on March 21, 2005, 02:15:26 PM
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We have a Comfort Corner!! :highfive We decided to use my large upholstered rocking chair instead of the large fluffy palet I had been leaning toward....anyway - it has snuggly pillows and throw blankets - and it's tucked out of the way in the den. (And I don't have to worry about the dog laying on it :rolleyes) The perfect spot to cuddle up and have some comfort time. :heart
My oldest has been using it today - first he was sitting at his desk with his head down and his siblings wouldn't leave him alone. He told me loudly that he just needed to be alone and could I help him? He was desperate. I smiled SO BIG. I told him I had just the place for what he needed and led him to the chair and covered him with a blanket. He smiled and spent about 15 minutes there. Dh thought he was in time out or something and asked me if ds could get up yet?? I said - Sweetie, I didn't make him sit there. :P He is having some down time so he feels better. :) He can get up whenever he feels ready. Dh thought that was just a wonderful idea! :D I explained what it was, etc. and he was so impressed. I didn't tell him where I got the idea tho, cause he think's I'm involved with some kind of hippie cult. :laughtears :laughtears (Dh isn't on board yet with the whole GD thing yet, so I am showing by example as I learn. ;))
Later, I was getting frustrated and stated that I was and Ds said (quite sympathetically, I might add) that maybe I could use the Comfort Corner for a while.
I wish I hadn't waited so long to do this...it's wonderful! :hug

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:arrow Title: comfort corner success!
Post by: joyfulmomsie on September 05, 2005, 10:31:38 AM
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One day when my 4yo dd was in a good mood, we got around to making our "comfort corner". We chose the top bunk of her bunk beds, because she loves to climb up there. I explained that this is her own special place she can go when she's feeling sad or upset, or if she just needs to be by herself for awhile (esp if little brother is wrecking her stuff.)
The other night, supper was late and she hadn't had a nap that day, so the poor child was a mess. She was being mean to her little brother, and she was so cranky that she didn't want to go to her special place. She howled and cried. Before, I would have sent her to her room and told her that if she couldn't be quiet that I would have to shut the door :blush. This time, I got her favorite dolls, and I crawled up there with her and held her, kissed her, and talked softly to her. She calmed down quickly, and then she decided that she would read to her dolls until supper was ready. At supper, she was cheerful and well-behaved. What a difference! :smile

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:arrow Title: It Worked!
Post by: kklibrarian on March 24, 2005, 10:39:21 AM
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Ok, I'm sure this is going to give all of you a big chuckle at the naivete of a newbie, but I'm so happy that we've had a success with trying a gentler method of getting our dd to cooperate. I used to be a frequent user of face-in-the corner "time outs" with her. :blush I never felt like it worked out real well because of her personality -- very determined and quick tempered, like me -- and because I was using it as a punitive kind of thing because I was angry. Yesterday, she was having a lot of difficulties following repeated instructions and was using alot of argumentative talk when I would try and correct her, so instead of "time-out" I put her in a thoughtful spot until she could feel better and modify her behavior. Unlike with the time-outs, I didn't isolate her from me, and she got back in control much faster and offered me a genuine apology without prompting. :) I'm just so happy this worked, and how well it worked is truly amazing.

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:arrow Title: We did comfort corner right finally!!! Yeah!
Post by: LoveToReadMommy on April 15, 2005, 04:47:46 PM
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I've been trying to reconnect with my girls and really apply the concepts of GBD. With help of this forum (where would I be without you all?!) :eek it has come to my attention that we were using our comfort corner punatively. After getting the book "I Love You Rituals" by Becky Bailey I did one of the rituals/songs with the girls for the comfort corner. I adapted some of the words, but not many. They LOVED it. dd#2 (4yo on Monday) keeps asking me to sing it to her. She'll pretend to be angry so she can go there. :smile (I also placed a teddy bear there to hug) dd#1 (6yo in a few weeks) isn't as excited about the song, but really appreciates that I'll sit with her and talk or tell stories instead of lecturing her. She said, "Aren't you going to talk about it?" I said, "No, I am here to help comfort you." :)

I am finally accomplishing something, teaching them to comfort! It feels so good to make the connection!!! Praise God!!! :D

One more brag, dd#2 brought me a teddy bear today when I was a little ticked about something, and said, "I brought this to comfort you." Isn't that great? :D

GCM_Sticky
06-14-2007, 02:49 AM
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:arrow Title: How to introduce the comfort corner with a two year old?
Post by: purstrength on March 31, 2005, 09:19:49 PM
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My first question, I suppose is can I use a blanket...a moveable spot? I have a very small one bedroom apartment. :/

Secondly, if I feel Berkley needs some time to relax, should I just invite her to the blanket to read books and just mention something that we're on this blanket to help us calm down? She has an amazing vocabulary for her age and understands a lot as long as I use the correct language. (wording things correctly)

Thank you :heart


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Title: Re: How to introduce the comfort corner with a two year old?
Post by: godsgracegiven on April 01, 2005, 03:29:13 AM
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My lap was the comfort corner, when my kiddos were two. It was closer to three when I started using an actual spot.


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Title: Re: How to introduce the comfort corner with a two year old?
Post by: purstrength on April 01, 2005, 01:08:04 PM
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Thank you! I hadn't really thought of that! :tu


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Title: Re: How to introduce the comfort corner with a two year old?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 01, 2005, 07:14:24 PM
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Absolutely to everything :) You might want to have a blanket or a special huggy object that you can have with you while you cuddle and eventually she might want to have it for some time alone too :) but the wording is great--very positive and "tool" focused.


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:arrow Title: Wanna see my comfort corner? Pic is up!
Post by: JJsMom on April 07, 2005, 12:09:46 PM
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Hopefully, I can figure this out. This is my new comfort corner! I just set it up yesterday and JJ loves it! He wants to spend lots of time in there! :lol He keeps pulling me there! I have been looking for a way to get through this hitting phase, so when he hit me yesterday, I asked him if he needed a little break and he got excited and pulled me there! :lol We snuggled and read a book and he didn't hit me the rest of the day yesterday! He did hit me today, but I was in the middle of working with chicken, so I couldn't follow through. I'm really excited about this! Our comfort corner is in our room, that's our bathroom door in the pic.

http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y135/GentleMama2Mine/4349fa00.jpg



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:arrow Title: Comfort Corner Question
Post by: CJ on April 07, 2005, 09:19:16 PM
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Okay, I'm thinking of a hypothetical situation that could easily happen on any given day here. DS (5) is pestering DD (3) and after numerous atempts at redirection, modeling and teaching appropriate behavior, and he continues with the pestering, I tell him he needs to sit in the comfort corner. At first he says "no!" I give him the choice to go by himself or take him there myself.
Firstly, what if I can't stay there with him--baby needs me or DD needs me for something else--getting lunch, help with potty, nursing--not something that can't wait.

Secondly, how do you handle it when a child claims, "I'm ready!" before he/she goes to the comfort corner? It seems like a way to get out of going.

I have more questions but I'll start there.

Thanks

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Title: Re: Comfort Corner Question
Post by: Joanne on April 08, 2005, 05:19:05 AM
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Quote
I tell him he needs to sit in the comfort corner. At first he says "no!" I give him the choice to go by himself or take him there myself.
Firstly, what if I can't stay there with him--baby needs me or DD needs me for something else--getting lunch, help with potty, nursing--not something that can't wait.

First, I want to make sure you understand that the comfort corner is not a nice name for a time out. :)

With that clarified, the purpose of the comfort corner is to regroup, not to regret. Remember you are teaching him skills that will help him his whole life. The skill of how to move out of a space where he is acting out and into a space where he is social and cooperative. We don't punish adults when they are in a bad space. We (usually) ask them what's wrong and how can we help them. You are teaching him how to help himself.

You, and the baby and even a snack can go to the comfort corner. It's less a place than an event or process. As much as you can, you want to make the comfort corner something they want to do.

I realize the comfort corner is something that is difficult to embrace when a person comes from a punitive culture. It's not rewarding bad behavior. It's a place to positively and proactively change it.



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Title: Re: Comfort Corner Question
Post by: CJ on April 09, 2005, 07:30:35 AM
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I understand the idea behind comfort corners and the process and fully agree with their effectiveness. I used a similar concept in the classroom when I was teaching 1st and 2nd grade and it was wonderful! I'm just trouble-shooting while I await DH's response to Crystal's post about the comfort corner idea--hoping we can really put one in place soon. I just know that there are times when I am not available to go with one of my children at that moment. And in the previously mentioned situation, how does DD feel when I'm sitting in the CC, nursing baby and hanging out with the one who's been pestering her for the last however long? (BTW it's not always DS who's doing the pestering, it may be the reverse! ;)


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:arrow Title: Those with actual comfort corners...
Post by: milkmommy on April 18, 2005, 05:04:31 PM
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How do you keep them from being destroyed? We don't have an actual comfort corner (no room) its just the couch with her special blanket.. but the ones I've seen look nice but I'm thinking gosh my DD would have it picked apart with in a day. Do you make a comfort corner to have them go to when they destroy the first one. :lol So they really just leave it alone?

Deanna

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Title: Re: Those with actual comfort corners...
Post by: SingingPraise on April 18, 2005, 08:19:40 PM
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My daughter says i clean up faster then they can mess it up. lol
???
I do i guess
I clean all day long. They hit one room, i clean up the last one. they come back in, i clean up the room they just destroyed.
isn't that my job? lol


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Title: Re: Those with actual comfort corners...
Post by: milkmommy on April 18, 2005, 08:26:04 PM
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Well on a way yes cleaning is a nonstop thing,, I just wondered if the comfort corners to be used as a comfort spot when needed but when its needed its a mess what good it does,.. or does it stay neat. I mean yes clean but not ALL day and I'd rather be doing something with my DD or posting here :lol

Deanna


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Title: Re: Those with actual comfort corners...
Post by: DogwoodMama on April 19, 2005, 06:48:15 AM
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I'm wondering does it interfere with the actual function? ;) If not, I wouldn't worry about it, just clean it up at a set point or two during the day (we do before lunch, before dh comes home and before bed around here)... well, we don't have a comfort corner, actually, just a couch like the one you also have for Cecilia. I guess I'm still the comfort corner now. :lol


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Title: Re: Those with actual comfort corners...
Post by: LoveToReadMommy on April 19, 2005, 04:06:43 PM
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Mine is just a beanbag and a teddy bear on it. A basket with toys/books is nearby. My girls are older though. (just turned 4 and almost 6)

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:arrow Title: Creating a Comfort Corner
Post by: fourbygrace on March 20, 2005, 10:43:46 PM
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I am working on creating a comfort corner and though tof the idea to get a little sign that says "Comfort Corner". My house is sort of country style and I have a cute wooden sign in my bathroom that says "Bath". I was thinking that maybe I could find some crafter that would custom make me a sign that says " Comfort Corner".

Do you think this is hokey? over the top? or making into more than it should be?


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Title: Re: Creating a Comfort Corner
Post by: Radosny Matka on March 21, 2005, 10:57:42 AM
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Very cute idea, and what a great way to "open the door" to letting others know what it is and why it's there. That sign will definately prompt some questions.


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Title: Re: Creating a Comfort Corner
Post by: phermion on March 21, 2005, 12:53:31 PM
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My kids love to lable things, so they would think it was really cool! ;) And what a way to accent your decor! :mrgreen You could always take it down if you don't like it.


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Title: Re: Creating a Comfort Corner
Post by: Sara on March 21, 2005, 01:07:59 PM
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Oh, I love that idea! And I don't think it is hokey at all. :tu

GCM_Sticky
06-14-2007, 02:15 PM
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:arrow Title: Comfort corner--kind-of
Post by: CJ on April 19, 2005, 07:28:04 PM
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Okay, I'm mulling over the idea of a comfort corner and how to implement it in our home. I'm thinking of making it more of a portable thing--perhaps a basket with a few comfort things--stuffed Clifford (a dog who serves our family as a good reminder of kindness and politeness), a couple books, a soft blanket, etc. I'll have the kids help me decide what goes in it. Then encourage them to take the basket or something in it and find a good place to get comfortable.

What do you think?

Also, I will often say to one of my kids, after a few reminders and teaching about appropriate behavior, I think you need to go sit somewhere ( on the couch or something) until you're ready to _____. (use polite manners, act kindly, etc.) But they fight it, "NO! I'm ready now!" This mostly happens with my 5 yo. It bothers me because it feels like he isn't taking me seriously until I set this limit with a "time away". Sometimes, I let it go. Sometimes I insist that he go and at least sing a song and then decide if he's ready. I'm afraid this will happen too with Comfort corner approach--especially once the novelty has worn off. Sometimes the whole thing leads me to yelling "Leave now!" Which of course, turns the whole thing to a punitive and anger-driven thing. Although I hate the whole first-time obedience thing, I don't want to set things up such that they know that they don't really have to listen, follow instructions until I get to a certain point. Crystal, you talked about similar limit-setting with your son in a previous thread. How can I adjust this? How many reminders, instructions do you give before you require him to sit on the sofa until he's "ready"? Does he ever fight it?

My other big concern about the Comfort Corner is that I know that often I will not be able to go with them, if needed. How do you handle it when you can't go--nursing a baby, have to finish cooking dinner (lest it burn! :lol) need to attend to another child, etc? Do you ever insist that your child go to the comfort corner without you, if they really don't want to go without you?


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Title: Re: Comfort corner--kind-of
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 19, 2005, 07:32:04 PM
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Last question first I might take the baby with me, have them set up next to me or encourage them to go and I'd come join them as soon as I was done with X :)

With my 7 and 5 yo's it's a one reminder/try again when they start to lose it and then I send them to sit. They get one chance to correct themselves and then they take a break and come back when they are ready to. Now, I've taught them *how* to do what is expected of them and *what* that is but if they're losing it and melting down then they're not open to teaching or correction and they need to take a breather and come back when they're ready.

I think the basket is a great idea :tu

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:arrow Title: Am I doing the comfort corner right?
Post by: LoveToReadMommy on April 04, 2005, 01:10:59 PM
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I'm a little concerned that maybe I'm using it as time out! :blush

We got it all set up, with special toys, etc, I explained it to both dds. (almost 4 and almost 6 yo) They know they can come out when they are ready, and keep the door open if they want. (Before, they had a time limit and a buzzer, and sit on their beds, now it's in our bedroom, right off the main living area, it's on a bean bag, almost part of our living room)

But now, when they are stressing out, yelling at me, or being disruptive to the family, I say, calmly, "You need to take a break" (Instead of, "go to your room!" or "Time out!" not calmly) So I feel like I am banishing them away from us, and I don't want to make them feel bad, I want it to be different than a time out.

Is there a more gentle way I should be doing this? :shrug

I appreciate your help so much, this mothering thing is not easy! :/

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Title: Re: Am I doing the comfort corner right?
Post by: Joanne on April 04, 2005, 05:33:00 PM
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How about "Honey, I see that you are having a hard time controlling yourself. Let's go together and I can show you how to feel better so you can do better."

You have to teach them how to regroup before you can send them to regroup. Otherwise, it is a punitive time out.

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Title: Re: Am I doing the comfort corner right?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 04, 2005, 05:41:04 PM
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I think Joanne has a great idea. You can also ask them how they feel about it--if they feel good during their break, etc. If they feel banished maybe move the beanbag chair into the living room???

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:arrow Title: ?? about comfort corner--update
Post by: GodChick on April 19, 2005, 03:02:17 PM
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nak 2

?? about the cc--

1. how do i keep dd from carrying off everything in the cc?? :doh ie--she wants to read the books over here, she wants her stuffed kitty over there. not while needing the cc, just in the course of regular play. how do i reserve those things for her comfort space??

2. hoe do i keep it from seemiong punitive when dd says she doesn't want to go there? i read the thread where it was suggested i go there with her, but she doesn't want that either. when she's upset, she says no to everything, including me. she doesn't want cuddling, she doesn't want the cc, she doesn't want items from the cc taken elsewhere, she doesn't want anything. talking to her, hugging her, offering something else all make her more upset. whhaaaa?? :banghead an i the only one with a kid like this? (pls say no.) :crazy

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Title: Re: ?? about comfort corner
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 19, 2005, 03:19:22 PM
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I might make it just a spot with a blanket and you can even get the blanket when you take her there :)

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Title: Re: ?? about comfort corner
Post by: CJ on April 19, 2005, 07:04:59 PM
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My DD 3 is the same way. Usually I just have to leave her alone, let her know that I'm available when she wants me to help and go about my business until she says, "I want you to hold me!" She's been like that as long as I can remember.

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Title: Re: ?? about comfort corner
Post by: GodChick on April 20, 2005, 05:39:34 PM
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Thanks, ladies. CJ, it's nice to know my DD isn't the only one who does that!! Crystal, that's a good idea--when I read what you said, I decided to make a comfort bag instead of a comfort corner. I put a blanket and some books and some "lovies" in a tote bag that can be put away when not in use. :)

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Title: Re: ?? about comfort corner
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 20, 2005, 07:08:50 PM
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Please let us know how it works :)

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Title: Re: ?? about comfort corner
Post by: GodChick on May 04, 2005, 03:32:49 PM
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:nak

it's me, michele, with a new username. :)

just an update. i think it's working well! :tu at first she didn't want anything to do with the comfort bag while she was upset--but i got out the blanket and sat there myself and told her i needed to relax there a while because i was feeling frustrated too. so i turned on some nice music and sat there myself. aftershe calmed down on her own--which seems to be what she needs--she sat there w/ me. she didn't want the books or lovies at the time, but just kind of rolled arounf there for a few min. but i think it was a good introdction to the concept, because she felt better after being there than she did before. :cool

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Title: Re: ?? about comfort corner--update
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 04, 2005, 04:26:55 PM
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sounds great :tu and I think modelling for her what you wanted her to learn was great :highfive

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:arrow Title: What does a comfort corner look like for a two year old?
Post by: illinoismommy on June 07, 2006, 03:58:19 PM
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If I told my darling to go take a break on the couch until he feels better, it wouldn't work because he wouldn't go. So what do you do at this age? :scratch

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Title: Re: What does a comfort corner look like for a two year old?
Post by: AmyDoll on June 07, 2006, 06:23:57 PM
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You could sit with him and help him feel better. 2 is a young age to get those big feelings under control without assistance. :hug

Sam has a bean bag, with an Elmo blanket and a basket of books.

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Title: Re: What does a comfort corner look like for a two year old?
Post by: cklewis on June 07, 2006, 06:27:46 PM
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ours is a chair in the "library" (a nook right off the kitchen) with quiet toys and books and a fun fuzzy pillow. i pick him up and take him there. in the heat of frustration, he can't think to go. sometimes i stay. most times i stay. if i'm hot and bothered, i go in the kitchen (right there a few feet away) and cool off.

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Title: Re: What does a comfort corner look like for a two year old?
Post by: greenskittle on June 07, 2006, 07:06:57 PM
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Liv is only 19 months old, but it's the same age range, so I thought I'd go ahead and answer. :)

At the moment, I am her comfort corner. Whenever she gets upset or out of control we go sit in a quiet place together. As she gets older I will start taking her to a spot to calm down on her own. But right now I think she still needs me.

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Title: Re: What does a comfort corner look like for a two year old?
Post by: illinoismommy on June 07, 2006, 07:46:10 PM
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I was asking because today he was tired and he needed a comfort corner. I can't hold him at those times because he kicks and screams and throws himself to the floor. He hurts me at those times if I try to pick him up. I am never quite sure what to do. I think he is a good kid, but I am at a loss when he's like that.... I know it happened because he woke prematurely from his nap an so he was extra tired in the late afternoon.... so I was wondering..... :shrug

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Title: Re: What does a comfort corner look like for a two year old?
Post by: greenskittle on June 07, 2006, 07:59:48 PM
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Well, when Liv is like that I still act like a comfort corner, but I don't actually hold her. I just sit in a chair near her and let her :banghead :hissyfit until she gets her feelings out.

:) It's really hard for toddlers to keep those feelings under control, and it's best to just let them get it out. Of course you want to be right there to offer support, and to keep them from hurting themselves and others, but there's nothing much else I've found that can be done. :hugheart

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Title: Re: What does a comfort corner look like for a two
Post by: MarynMunchkins on June 07, 2006, 08:13:13 PM
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We don't have an actual corner since my older 2 broke the rocking chair that was in it. :rolleyes I use the couch or closest out of the way quiet spot. If Colin wants to be hugged, I'm more than willing to do it. If he's screaming and inconsolable, I just sit nearby until he calms down. If he's really lost it, I'll start reading a book or singing a song, which usually distracts him long enough to get in a hug.

Mostly, I'm his CC at this point. :)

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:arrow Title: what if they won't stay in the comfort corner?
Post by: GotMyHeartFull on May 13, 2005, 06:53:09 PM
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my son will stay there sometimes, but other times says he does not need to go there and still demonstrates the same behavior that I was sending him there for.

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Title: Re: what if they won't stay in the comfort corner?
Post by: MarynMunchkins on May 13, 2005, 07:05:35 PM
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I sit with them, and bear hug them if necessary. Usually offering to read them a book calms them done and makes the CC a nice place to be. :)

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Title: Re: what if they won't stay in the comfort corner?
Post by: SingingPraise on May 13, 2005, 07:07:57 PM
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nods. I usually don't send my kids to the comfort corner or its too much like time out.
I'll usually go in with... we lay on the floor a bit and maybe look at baby pictures in the scrapbook thats in there. Or sometimes i'll ask if they wanna have a snack to help relax. My little one always goes for that. He's 2. lol

Zoey is almost 5 and I ask her "do you want some time alone in the comfort corner for a few minutes to relax or would you like me to come with you and we can snuggle and feel better".
?

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:arrow Title: comfy corner question
Post by: messiahsmisfit on February 25, 2006, 05:55:05 PM
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We're moving and I'm going to need to pack the comfy corner away any suggestions on how to make this transistion as smooth as possible?

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Title: Re: comfy corner question
Post by: MarynMunchkins on February 25, 2006, 06:14:05 PM
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We don't have an official CC since my kids broke the rocking chair that was there. :rolleyes We use any quiet spot to take a break. :)

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Title: Re: comfy corner question
Post by: ArmsOfLove on February 26, 2006, 12:57:50 PM
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some people have mentioned using a "comfy corner bag" that contains some comfort objects that can be "broken out" anywhere at any time. That might be good for a transition :tu

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:arrow Title: Re: Pictures of your comfort corner?
Post by: boonpnutsmom on May 03, 2005, 06:15:33 PM
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We dont' have a comfort corner per say, but our bed is what we use. This is where we all come to refocus. There are approximately 40 pillows on our bed so they "build" walls to refocus seperately.

GCM_Sticky
06-14-2007, 02:53 PM
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:arrow Title: How About Another Comfort Corner Story?
Post by: Mom Of Two Girls on April 29, 2005, 09:55:50 AM
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Delighted.

Rebecca's teacher came for a visit today. We were talking about what to do when she got out of control. We talked about letting her stamp her feet and say "I'm mad!" to stop her from hitting. I told Gail that when Rebecca is out of control, she gets to sit in the recliner with a special pillow and blanket until she's settled down. Interesting. "That's not a time out, right?" I explained that it wasn't. It was a place for Rebecca to go and settle down in and that she's free to leave when she feels better.

Gail loved it. :) :dance It made me that much more comfortable with her being is school right now.

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:arrow Title: God designed the Comfort Corner!
Post by: MarynMunchkins on April 19, 2005, 05:54:18 PM
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Check this out!!  :praise  God was talking to Job, and mentioned a comfort corner!  ;)  A safe place to have a tantrum, with firm boundaries.  :cool



8And who took charge of the ocean

    when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?

    9That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,

    and tucked it in safely at night.

    10Then I made a playpen for it,

    a strong playpen so it couldn't run loose,

    11And said, "Stay here, this is your place.

    Your wild tantrums are confined to this place.'


Isn't that awesome?! :mrgreen It's from Job 38:8-11, from the Message.


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:arrow Title: Question about "time-ins"
Post by: CJ on April 21, 2005, 04:28:57 PM
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Okay, I have been trying to do the one reminder, then sit until you're ready to ______.  For example, DS (5) is teasing DD (3) as they color at the table.  We've talked about other conversation options, etc ad nauseum.  I remind him to encourage her instead of teasing (we've even established the sign for encourage).  He continues a moment later or completely ignores my reminder.  I tell him that he needs to go sit on the couch or somewhere until he is ready to use only encouraging words with his sister.  He says, "I AM ready" and refuses to go. 

I can honestly say that this is what he says EVERY time.  How would you handle this?  I find myself engaging in an argument or shouting or angrily insisting that he go to the couch, thus it becomes a controlling punitive thing.  I've even started insisting that he go and at least sing the ABC's and then decide if he's ready or not.  There usually is a change when he comes back.  But I'm tired of the argument EVERY time.  And I know that when I don't do something after one reminder, it gets worse, and then I get even more frustrated and I see him taking my words less seriously--like "I don't really have to listen to Mom.  She'll say it again 15 times."

Any suggestions?



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Title: Re: Question about "time-ins"
Post by: milkmommy on April 21, 2005, 04:41:23 PM
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Id drop the till you can do X hes smart and knows by saying "I'm ready" he can get outa it.  Instead I'd just say I heard you being mean to your sister (I'm being brief here you;d use more appropiate words) you need to go take a time in on the couch for a few mintues then you and I will talk about the big feeling your having. At first I'd assure him hes not being punished but you can't allow him to treat his sister that way. Have him go sit down JUST long enough to calm down and get a hold of him self (it could be seconds) then go over and talk about him having big feelings and how in the future he could better express them.

Deanna


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Title: Re: Question about "time-ins"
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2005, 08:02:13 PM
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I'd take the wind out of his sails . . . "You're having a hard time.  Let's go sit together until you feel better."  Then sit together, cuddle, do some rituals for connecting, sing, read a book--something to feel better.  And I would simply refuse to discuss it further,  I'd take him physically and move him to where we will sit together and he could verbally protest all he wanted--I'd still sing or read the book or whatever and he could take the time he needs to change his attitude.  If he got physically assaultive I'd walk away and tell him to let me know when he could stop himself from hurting me and then I'd love to sit with him for a bit again.


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Title: Re: Question about "time-ins"
Post by: Joanne on April 22, 2005, 06:48:43 AM
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He knows the rule.  So, after the first violation, I'd pick him up and move him.  "You've chosen not to play crayongs respectfully.  You can go do something else".  If he wants to continue with crayons, then he needs to make amends in similar fashion to how he made a mistake.  The amends for teasing, then, would be saying a kind or encouraging thing.  Anything less or any resistence is a choice to not play crayons.


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:arrow Title: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: blessed2mothr4 on January 17, 2007, 06:14:34 AM
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Do you still use yours?

I set one up when we first started GBDing, but was using it more as a 'time out' then a cuddle corner. :rolleyes2  It wasn't working and took up too much space, so I got rid of it.

Now we've re-arranged the living room and there is a PERFECT corner for a cuddle corner... I'm thinking of reinstating it for the right reasons this time... if I can remember how to use is properly.  :think  Just curious to know if you guys use yours?  And any suggestions on what to put in it?  So far we just have the bookshelf there.... 

I don't want it to become a "when you're naughty go there"... i want it to be comfortable and inviting, so any suggestions would be great! 

Thanks!  :mrgreen

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: MarynMunchkins on January 17, 2007, 06:44:23 AM
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I use their rooms because if my older kids are around other people, they don't calm down.  :shrug

Colin still uses me as his CC.  :giggle

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: Navae on January 17, 2007, 11:22:21 AM
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Where in his room do you have it?  Is it simply his room or is it a section?

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: MarynMunchkins on January 17, 2007, 12:08:31 PM
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Both are just in their rooms.  Ana has a canopy over her bed that she closes for "privacy".  ;)

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: hsgbdmama on January 17, 2007, 01:24:01 PM
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We don't have a CC either; however, sometimes the kids will build one in the entryway of the house with blankets and stuffed animals or at the bottom of the steps in the basement (small area) the same way and call it the CC. :giggle

For our CC I just put them someplace comfortable where they can calm down ... it can be our bed (king size), the chair in the LR (it is a very cushy chair), the couch in the basement (ours is finished off) or in a fort they have made -- the point of the CC is that they have a quiet place to calm down and regroup.  The CC may also be their bed if they want that quiet time alone, but it is a mutual decision (especially with ds1 ... it is not a punishment, it is a "you are wiggy and need to regroup" type thing).  In any case, I am readily available for them if they need me -- it is not a situation where I ignore them until *I'm* ready to deal with them again. :heart :heart

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: Heather Micaela on January 17, 2007, 02:07:51 PM
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I tried a specific one and really had no room for it.  DD likes to sit with me in the recliner.  Ds -wherever

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: mamaKristin on January 17, 2007, 08:44:13 PM
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I kind of *cuddle corner on the fly*  :cool  My older 2 will both go to their rooms to 'chill out' when they feel they need to - they both started doing that on their own.  Actually, my oldest would do it, and his sister copied.  If I need to have a cuddle with the kids, I generally do it in our living room in the rocking chair, but will do it in any place that is away enough from the 'action' to be calming.

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: Mama Piadosa on January 17, 2007, 08:56:13 PM
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well i'm beginning to resign myself to the fact that gbd looks different with a child with mental illness.  kevi tore up our comfort corner a couple times and it really upset shae- who helped set up the blankets and pillows.  so he uses his own bed in his own room.
shae and jess use our comfort corner - it is in my room- so they can get away from the hustle and bustle of the daycare, and big family- there is a basket of books- a bean bag and a rocking chair.  jess uses it to settle to sleep- shae uses it to escape kevi. 

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: Titus2Momof4 on January 18, 2007, 09:24:08 AM
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Now that my girls have real BEDS in their rooms (which has required some rearranging) I am thinking of buying them one of those recliner type chairs (child sized) for their bedroom to serve as a CC. Ds got the Cars squishy chair that converts into a car for him to "drive" for his birthday, and that is perfect for a CC for him in his room, though. I would like to set up a small book supply, next to the CC's though. We have never had a proper CC, if that's what you are asking...we have used me mostly, but also the recliner. But I feel like I want a CC that is in their *rooms* so that they have a place to go to, that is away from the "action".

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: blessed2mothr4 on January 18, 2007, 10:29:06 AM
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yah, we do the bedroom thing too..  they seem to calm down best there as well.  maybe I'll turn it into a reading corner :)

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: joyful mama on January 18, 2007, 11:03:04 AM
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we have a corner on the couch (we have a huge wraparound) with a bunch of care bears. I need to put a soft blanket back there  :think. but we don't use it very often. they both prefer me stroking there hair, rubbing their backs and rocking. Sometimes if my oldest reallly needs to chill she goes to her room for a minute or two...

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: GodChick on January 18, 2007, 11:15:46 AM
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We have a "portable cuddle corner."  It's a bunch of lovies and comforting things in a large tote bag.  When I tried to keep a CC set up, my DD1 kept walking off with all the items in there and carrying them all over the house, and it kind of lost its significance.  So we've got lovies and a cuddle blanket and quiet things they like to finger and play with in a tote bag.  When they need it, we get it out, turn on some nice music and DD can cuddle up with her cuddle blanket and lovies anywhere. 

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: calmom on January 18, 2007, 11:55:03 AM
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When Cutie is really upset, she runs to her room and feels better calming down in there.  Otherwise she sits near us or with us until she calms down.
My older dd escapes to her bed.  It's up and away from her sister so she doesn't get bugged.

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Title: Re: For those who are not new at GBD (cuddle corner ??)
Post by: hakujin on January 21, 2007, 12:08:53 AM
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we have a big Love Sac bean bag thing that we use.  Its big so we fit comfortably and we cuddle with a blanket and talk.

GCM_Sticky
06-14-2007, 08:00 PM
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:arrow Title: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 13, 2005, 08:58:04 PM
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My oldest dd is the one that needs the CC. She has big emotions, and we have an antagonistic relationship. Usually when I tell her to go cool off in the CC, I know that the best thing for her to calm down would be for me to go with her. Even though I know this, I don't want to go. I guess I am still in the punitive mindset. I want her to be punished. Actually it's mostly that I don't want to look at her or be around her because I am so angry with her. We have been dealing with behavior and attitude problems since she was old enough to have them! I am in such a negative pattern of relating to her that I don't know how to break out of it. As soon as she starts, I get this "here we go again" feeling and I just don't want to deal with her. I am tired. I am so tired of the whining, crying, fighting, fussing, tantruming, etc. It's always something. Some days I do really good. And some days I just don't want to be in the same room with her. I need to find away to re-attach to her. How do I accompish this when I am going out of my way to avoid her all day? Obviously I need to get a grip, act like the adult, and love her uncondionally.

This didn't end up really being about the Comfort Corner. Oh well. I needed to get it out. If you have any kind words, I would appreciate them very much.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 13, 2005, 09:00:49 PM
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:hugheart  sounds like a case of like mother like daughter ;)

Have you tried just out loud reflecting your own feelings.  "I'm so angry.  I'm frustrated that I'm trying to help you understand and you are yelling at me."  (or whatever)  It will help you and model for her how to handle big feelings.  And I think going with her to the CC would be good for both of you!  You can't come out until you are both getting along ;)


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: mama2mad on May 13, 2005, 09:04:33 PM
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:hug

I could write this exact post too some days  :(

we're working on it though, trying to figure out how to address her big feelings but not get her going even more over the edge

:bheart :hug


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: MarynMunchkins on May 13, 2005, 09:08:17 PM
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My dd makes me feel the same way a lot of the time too.  She's my drama queen. :D

Reflecting my own feelings helps a lot.  "I'm really angry right now.  I don't want to deal with this."  Honestly, I've found that saying "I'm going to go sit in the CC because I'm angry" and moving makes her more likely to want to come sit too.  :)  That and keeping chocolate around for both of us. ;)


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 14, 2005, 09:23:03 AM
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What if you can't go to the CC? It seems like most often this happens while I'm cooking, nursing, and driving. I'm also just really bad at switching gears. If my mind is going one direction, I have trouble moving to something else. I am not a multi-tasker.

:nak


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 15, 2005, 08:22:11 AM
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Sounds like maybe you are going to need to be more proactive at those difficult times.  And it sounds like she might want your attention when she feels it's the most  absent.  How can you include her in those times?  And can you give a specific example from one or all of those times of what the conflict is so we can offer some more specific help?


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 15, 2005, 07:31:18 PM
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Quote
And can you give a specific example from one or all of those times of what the conflict is so we can offer some more specific help?

The worst is when she and her brother start fighting while I'm trying to make dinner. She'll get frustrated with some situation (like sharing a toy or he won't do what she says) and start crying. I will tell her that she is frustrated (she usually agrees). Most of the time I can get them to find a solution. But sometimes she is just in a bad mood and then I will tell her to go chill out in the CC until she can handle playing again. But she wants me to go with her. I'm up to my elbows in dinner prep. The baby is fussing, the toddler is demanding something to eat NOW! I just have very limited patience in this situation. I don't want to stop dinner, ignore the baby and the toddler so I can go read her a book. I mean, if the meal prep is so important that I'm letting the baby fuss, then I certainly am not going to stop what I'm doing to sit with a 5 yo. (BTW usually this is a situation where I am dealing with raw meat, or having to constantly stir something. Nothing I make for any meal requires that I be totally unavailable for huge amounts of time. We're talking 5-10 minutes.)

I think I have made the mistake of trying to talk her out of her "fits." We just go round and round and I end up getting more and more frustrated. I do try to reflect my own feelings, but I think it comes out more like, "You are making me mad" rather than "I am getting angry."

You hit the nail on the head when you said "Like mother, like daughter." It really scares me sometimes. And shames me. Every negative character trait she has, comes directly from observing me.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ChibiBug on May 15, 2005, 10:19:08 PM
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It is a huge learning curve for most of us Desiree...It's having to re-learn how to be a parent.  Most of us in our generation were spanked...we were raised in a punitive environment, so that is all we know.  You have to throw everything your momma taught you out the window and gain a new perspective on how to parent.  I know, it is soooooo much easier said than done.  Can I share a personal testimony with you???

Tonight Alex did not want to go into his bed. I had to physically pick him up with him grabbing the walls and having a fit like you would not believe. In the past this would have made me angry and it would have been a battle of the wills to get him in bed and keep him there. Before I would have yelled, spanked, yelled, held him down in bed...you name it...but most of all I would have been MAD!  Tonight was a breakthrough for us.  Instead of getting upset, I took a look at WHY he was acting as he was....he was tired, he has been sick and he has just as strong of desires as I do...if I don't want to go to bed I don't..but because he is little and can't make that choice on his own, I made it for him. I took him to his bed, laid him down (with him fighting and kicking). I gently stroked his head and began singing "Awesome God", which is his favorite song. I didn't even get the 3rd word out of my mouth before his little body relaxed and the screaming stopped and he cuddled up in my arms and went to sleep in less than 5 minutes. I knew he was having a hard time, so I laid with him until he was sound asleep.

Will this set a precedence and will he expect mommy to lay with him every night...NO...but what it did was put my child's needs above anything else and that is what we are called to do as mommas and pappas. I know that if I was having a bad day and I didn't want to go to bed, that Jesus would stop what he was doing and cuddle me until I went to sleep.

Grace Based Discipline is about stepping back, looking at your child through THEIR eyes and asking WHY are they acting out and then meeting their needs. You just have to stop the anger, and stop the stress.  Don't take things that your child does as a personal attack or insult (this has been a HUGE struggle for me to accomplish).  Talk to you child like YOU want to be talked to...touch your child like YOU want to be touched...treat your child like the Lord would treat your child. When you don't want to even look at your child...do it anyway, go to her and love her...it will make your momma's heart feel soooo much better and it will get easier to love her THROUGH the tough times.  It's not easy to change our selves, but it IS a quick transformation once we allow the Lord to change us.

I am new to GBD, only about a 1.5 months into putting it into practice...but there has been a radical transformation...the past week has been the greatest for us because of the help I have been getting here in learning how to re-think and how to stop taking things personal.  I hope some of what I have posted might help in some way.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 16, 2005, 10:22:17 AM
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Can you engage her in helping with dinner?  Can she help stir?  Can you ask her to tell you a story while she waits for you to finish what you're doing in the kitchen?  Will she accept you setting the timer for 5 or 10 minutes until you can go to the CC with her? If she's extremely extroverted then she probably doesn't want to be alone.

And as you find solutions to help her deal with her big feelings you will probalby find healing not only for how to handle your own feelings--but for how they've been mishandled before :(


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 16, 2005, 07:16:04 PM
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Quote from: ArmsOfLove on May 16, 2005, 10:22:17 AM
Can you engage her in helping with dinner? Can she help stir? Can you ask her to tell you a story while she waits for you to finish what you're doing in the kitchen? Will she accept you setting the timer for 5 or 10 minutes until you can go to the CC with her? If she's extremely extroverted then she probably doesn't want to be alone.


She loves to help with dinner, usually. She is hard to redirect though if she REALLY wants something. She hangs on for dear life. The timer might also help. But like ChibiBug said, I have to make myself do it, even when I don't want to.

You are right, she is extremely extroverted. And part of the problem is that I am extremely introverted. By dinnertime, I just need to be alone. I can't stand one more noise, one more problem, one more "helper", anything. My husband will come home in the middle of all this, get out his guitar and start playing, and it sends me overboard. I just can't seem to handle the levels of stimulation in my house. Especially when I am tired at the end of the day.

Thanks for the suggestions. I am going to try the timer one. Today was not a good day either. I am not spanking, but I am still yelling. Today, when we had another episode in the car, all I could think was that if I spanked her, I could get her to stop. I didn't do it though. I just turned up the praise and worship music and tried to make it home without losing my mind.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 16, 2005, 07:20:41 PM
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Desiree--is your dh willing to engage dd in his guitar playing?  Does he step in and help at all?


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner...ended up being more about my difficult relationship with dd
Post by: heartofjoy on May 16, 2005, 07:29:06 PM
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The example of the guitar playing is just what I use to demonstrate my inability to cope with lots of stimuli. He does not do this all the time.

Yes, he helps redirect the kids when he knows I am stressing. But he works an ever-changing shift, so nothing is ever regular. He is also involved in many things that take him away at unforseen times. So, I can't really depend on him to help at dinnertime on any regular basis.

I was thinking that maybe if I make more of an effort to plan my meals, then I will be less stressed at this time. Then, maybe I can set aside some afternoon time, right before dinnner prep, to "be with" the kids on their level. Maybe play a game, read books, draw, or play with the blocks. Then when it comes time to make dinner, they will have their fill of me and will play together more contentedly.

(Oh, and btw, whenever that guitar comes out, all three of the kids start dancing, jumping, laughing, and just generally acting CRAZY. They love it, but it is a huge ruckus. I don't mind this if they are in the other room, but when their getting in my way in the kitchen, I get a bit grumpy.)



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:arrow Title: Happy ~ Happy! Comfort Corner!
Post by: TulipMama on May 26, 2005, 09:26:53 AM
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I'm going back to read the Help Me With My Comfort Corne (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=499.0)r sticky because in our new house I have a place for Comfort Corners! 

The Comfort Corner for the boys is in an alcove in the living room.  My 6 y/o immediately gravitated to it and moved the child rocker there. *grin*  Right now, that's all that's there, but we'll develop it.  Already we've been able to use the rocking chair there for some quiet moments.

And, in the master bedroom, I have a window and a big space to turn into my very own Comfort Corner.  Hubby didn't even roll his eyes (as he's apt to do about girly stuff sometimes.  *L*  Then again, he has his own office with a door now, that he's planning on fixing up for his own retreat space.  So, I think he understands.)  Nothing is there except piles of stuff that still needs to be unpacked and put away, but still.  I'm excited and feel happy just having it.

Today I hung a mobile my mother made from copper and beach glass in my kitchen window.  It reminds me to breathe and pray and be peaceful admist the business of the day and work.

*grin*  Just had to share my comfort corner excitement!

GCM_Sticky
06-14-2007, 10:42 PM
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:arrow Title: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 07:47:42 AM
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I read in another thread about if a child hits someone, to have them sit on the couch(or wherever) until they can behave nicely toward their sibling/whoever they hit.

What do you do when they WILL NOT sit?  Do you hold them there? Sit on them?(only half-kidding--my ds is very hard for me to physically control with my pg belly. He's very strong and gets away if I don't use all I have to hold him)


And a similar question on the Comfort Corner--say a child is just generally not acting nice(picking at his brother, intentionally running trucks into the walls when asked not to, etc). Is that when I 'should' send him to the Comfort corner?  And what if he WON'T go?  How do you "make" him go there and have it not be punitive?

And kinda along these lines again...what is your response when you ask your dc to do something/not to do something and they say "NO! I WON'T do that!"?

BTW, I am asking these questions in reference to my 4yo ds. I also have a 2yo ds and am due anyday with bb3.  I realize that the coming changes are most likely adding to the stress/misbehavior, but I am looking for ways to deal with all this BEFORE my time is more limited at the computer to do 'research'.


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM
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I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right?


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 08:02:55 AM
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Quote from: BetsyPage on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM
I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right?


:think I guess my quandry is what to do with the other child when sitting with the child in the comfort corner.  I am afraid that if when ds1 is acting out and then gets to sit in the Comfort Corner with Mommy, that it would be perceived as a reward for his misbehavior and then he would act out more in order for me to sit alone with him.

Does that even make sense?




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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 08:13:09 AM
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That does make sense. I'll be interested to hear "btdt" responses to your questions. :)


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 30, 2005, 10:18:41 AM
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Well you're coming at these tools from a punitive perspective.  There is no power struggle attached to them--no *forcing* them to sit or having to deal with defiant *NO* :shrug When we instituted the You hit, you sit rule I sat my children down at a time everyone was getting along.  I explained that there was too much aggression, which I understood because of all the changes we'd gone through, but the hitting and hurting needed to stop.  I told them that they weren't thinking right *in the moment* and they needed to take a break and collect themselves so they could make better choices.  So, from now on, when you're being aggressive--hitting or hurting in any way--I will tell you it's time to sit on the couch and take a break.  The first day or two I had to move them a few times to the couch, and even sit with them a couple of times, but after that they went on their own.  If they protested I assured them I would listen to them after they had taken a break and calmed down--that they weren't making any sense when they were that upset.  And I did listen to them--sometimes helping them resolve the issue, sometimes helping them rethink it, sometimes stepping in and changing something that was not working well.

When you're on the same side it's a totally different dynamic.


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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: greenemama on May 31, 2005, 05:38:19 AM
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i had the same problem -- taking henry (3) to the comfort corner after hitting jude (almost 1) but having jude needing comfort and henry still batting at him and jude crying more.  so.  i did something similar to what crystal does.  i told him at a calm time that if he hits or hurts he will need to go and "take a break."  normally this is by himself so that i can attend to the baby.  if henry has hit me then i sit with him, normally, and it's more like the comfort corner.  i guess i use the comfort corner more for meltdowns and freak-outs rather than for hitting.  you hit you sit is more instant -- there's a chair here, a couch, a bench, a step, whatever is close so that he is instantly taking a break so that i can help the baby.  he does tell me now, "i don't want to take a break!" and i tell him, "you need to take a break, i will help you" and help him over there.  he's not obstinate about sitting normally -- sometimes he'll stand up and look at me like, "i'm standing now!" and i move towards him and he sits down so that he doesn't have to have help.   :rolleyes  i don't know what i'd do if he were stressing out and refusing to sit.  i guess i'd be thinking it wasn't about the hitting anymore, more of a meltdown, and may move to try things like the bear hug. 

:hugheart  it's hard!


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:arrow Title: I used "comfort corner" for the first time yesterday....
Post by: garrettsmommy on June 15, 2005, 08:19:16 AM
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It worked wonderfully. I had just picked ds up from day-care and we had arrived home. When I went to get out he asked me "you be right back". I said "no, we are going inside now." He freaked. For some unknown reason he did not want to get out of his carseat. I tried talking to him and tried figuring out what was wrong. Finally I just asked him "do you want to go to our comfort corner?" He stopped crying immediately and said "yeah". So we went in and got a cookie (I'm sure the reason for the meltdown was hunger) and went to our bed and cuddled then we ate dinner and he was perfectly fine the rest of the night. I was just amazed at how great it worked and resolved everything without any bad feelings.


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:arrow Title: CC problem:
Post by: amytug on June 21, 2005, 06:47:56 AM
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Do you let your children go to the cc all day, or is it just a special place for them to go when they are angry, etc?  I am having a hard time figuring that one out. I made dd a special cc corner today, but now I find she just wants to stay there all day.. lol  she got out to get a drink and went right back. the reason I ask, is because I'm afraid that she is going to start to get bored w/ it, ya know?  then it wont be so special, etc..

anyway, whattya think?

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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 21, 2005, 09:07:28 AM
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I think a couple of things are going on--one, it's new ;)  She's testing it out, getting comfortable in it, seeing how it feels *on*.  Also, I suspect she's appreciating this because she does have big feelings and this is going to be her place to sort them out--maybe she's already sorting :heart


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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: amytug on June 21, 2005, 10:15:09 AM
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Do i just let her go there all day to play, etc, or is it only a " cool down time" place?


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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: mama2mad on June 21, 2005, 10:21:08 AM
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I let mine all they want  :shrug it's been a few months and she still likes going to it, in fact, i had some stuff sitting in her way and she got onto me about it because she wanted to go read over there lol!!

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Title: Re: CC problem:
Post by: ArmsOfLove on June 21, 2005, 06:28:24 PM
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I'd never keep my child out, I might direct them to go.

IOW, I'd let her spend as much time as she wants there :)  Unless, of course, it's interfering with somewhere else she needs to be :)


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Title: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: greenemama on July 03, 2005, 04:44:43 PM
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oh my gosh!  i'm so excited about this book! (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0761521755/qid=1120434164/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_ur_1/104-7542818-8647120?v=glance&s=books&n=507846)  i got it this afternoon and i'm about half-way through.  the thing is so practical and detailed and i think that dh will read it and be *into* it. 

for those who have no idea, buy the thing!  it's basically the comfort corner expanded -- so much more information in there than i could have asked for.  :)  the idea "if he feels good, he acts good" is foundational in the book. 

anyway, i'm really inspired to be a better mama today after reading and being encouraged.  :hearts


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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: SunnyMeee on July 03, 2005, 06:19:23 PM
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Thanks for the review! 

I'm going to add this book to my need-it-right-away-wish-list.  Would you be willing to explain what you mean about it being "the comfort corner expanded"...Do you mean literally?  Or do you mean that whenever parent and child are together, it's like being in the comfort corner?  Or do you mean something else entirely?  :O

My Dh and I are currently reading Elizabeth Pantley's Kid Cooperation. :)  Actually this is a re-read for me, but my Dh wanted to read it together and I'm all for it!  Edited to add that my Dh hadn't read this book, but decided he wanted to and asked me to join him. 

Hope you don't mind me asking and thanks again for the  :tu  on this book!

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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: greenemama on July 03, 2005, 06:31:46 PM
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i guess what i mean is that the general idea of the comfort corner was fairly easy for me to grasp.  but the book gives you all kinds of ideas as to how to make it really work for your child (and for you). before i started reading i felt like i was not using the tool (comfort corner) as effectively as possible, but i didn't even know how to ask :O what i was doing *wrong* that was making the thing just silly and not working for us very much at all.  but the book *expands* on the basics of the comfort corner (she suggest assigning your own name, she calls it "positive time out," some high school class called theirs "hawaii."  :) )  and really explores the how and why more than i was able to articulate my need for knowing, kwim?

:grin

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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: SunnyMeee on July 03, 2005, 08:09:32 PM
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  :woohoo

Yes!  I KWYM!!!

In the back of my mind I knew I wasn't doing something right, but couldn't put what felt wrong into coherent thought until I read your message.  Your description of not using the cc as effectively as possible and not knowing how to ask and exploring the how and why clicked with me and helped me pinpoint some of the areas in which I am lacking.  I'm certain there are more I don't recognize yet.

I'm sure reading the book will be of help to me. :)

Thanks again for sharing...

:ty

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Title: Re: positive time out -- nelsen
Post by: Joanne on July 04, 2005, 01:21:59 PM
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The title doesn't really do the book justice.  It's a great book to explain positive discipline in general.  Great book, I agree!

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:arrow Title: Comfort Corner
Post by: Can Dance on August 18, 2005, 09:44:26 PM
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okay, just went through the thread and didn't see an actual age in which I could start using this tool. dd is having melt downs and screeching at me when she is not getting her way. how long can I reasonably expect these melt downs, I know until age 3, but what about helping her? is the only thing I can do at this point is ignore them? does she have to be at an age where we can solidly communicate why she needs to chill for a bit? maybe she is to young... :think so trying to get this GBD stuff on a more practical level.
C


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner
Post by: milkmommy on August 18, 2005, 11:08:20 PM
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We've done the concept of the comfort corner since our DD threw her first tantrum ;) Its just changed over time...
At first her comfort corner was her room with mommy, I'd take her to her room telling her she was having big feeling and that was okay but that she also needed to calm down. I'd sit down with her and allow her to fuss and when she calmed a bit would hold her and nurse her.. As she grew we eventually madea more formal comfort corner (before it was just too much trying to limit her to one place) Now its a little toddler couch, our method is still simliar to how I first started except I expect her to help herself just a wee bit more. So now I'll sit her down and valadate her feelings but also state expecations and that when she's ready to calm herself (just enough that I can become part of her life again if you KWIM) I'll be here for her. I think soo far the hardest times were between about 2-2.5 its been weeks since I've had to officially use the comfort corner.

Deanna


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner
Post by: ellies mom on August 19, 2005, 02:09:11 AM
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Here is the link to this topic on Jane Nelsen's website. The part I wanted to mention is about halfway down where she is talking about how one mother of an 18mo handled a version of the comfort corner. It is very similar to what the PP mentioned.

http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/Time_Out_for_Children.html


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner
Post by: mrsramjet on August 19, 2005, 03:26:49 AM
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love this from that link

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to help children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?

GCM_Sticky
06-15-2007, 03:00 AM
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:arrow Title: how to switch from timeout/spanking to cc
Post by: FROGmama on August 12, 2005, 02:18:42 PM
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Just a question- my 3 yo son is having a really hard time or maybe I am with switching from TO to Comfortcorner- When he needs to take a break now I made a nice comfy spot in the chair for him or us both to sit- when I tell him he is not in control and needs to take a break- he starts screaming that he doesnt want a time out- so If I then go with him I have to physicially hold him screaming till he calms down- is this right? any tips from moms who have done this?
thanks!
Lorene


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Title: Re: how to switch from timeout/spanking to cc
Post by: Aerynne on August 14, 2005, 03:33:42 PM
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I would suggest using times when he is not upset as a teaching moment. Especially with you and dh, like maybe if you are upset you can go to the comfort corner yourself, or ask dh if he needs to go if he is upset. Or make up a story about a stuffed animal, friend, or fictional character needing to go to a comfort corner. Or put a stuffed animal who had something bad happen in comfort corner, go with it and give it hugs, and when it's done ask it if it feels better and wants to play. I think 3 yo's learn a lot through make-believe play, and the time to do it is when he is feeling fine. Maybe when his sister is falls and gets hurt, or is upset for some other reason, take her there with you and comfort her there- make it a happy place. I think the key is that it is for anyone who is sad or hurt, not just those who are misbehaving. Does that give you any ideas that might work?

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Title: Re: how to switch from timeout/spanking to cc
Post by: FROGmama on August 14, 2005, 04:56:27 PM
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yes thanks!

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Title: Re: how to switch from timeout/spanking to cc
Post by: palil on August 14, 2005, 07:34:49 PM
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I love those ideas, Aerynne! :tu I may try that with my 3yo, too.. he's never been a "comfort corner" kind of guy, but I think he might take to it better now that he's getting older.

You could also try approaching it as "I see you need to switch activities" and sit him at a spot with papers/markers or playdoh.... encourage him to draw how he feels or pound his frustration out on the playdoh.


If I then go with him I have to physicially hold him screaming till he calms down- is this right?

This: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=20975.0

is a fairly short thread about the bear hug. You can go with him and interact with him in many different ways... talking, reflecting, saying nothing, hugs and snuggles, playing a game or reading a book.. whatever helps him calm down and regain some composure.. thus the name "comfort" corner. The bear hug, I think, is mainly for helping kids not to hurt themselves or others if they are being destructive. I think for some kids it can also be a reassuring, strong "presence" to help them regain composure. Other kids respond to it with increased panic and fury.. so it really depends on the child.


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Title: Re: how to switch from timeout/spanking to cc
Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 15, 2005, 06:58:42 PM
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definately use the CC yourself! :tu In fact, when he's upset it's probably stressful so you can go there yourself and invite him to join you for some cuddles :heart

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:arrow Title: comfort corner vs. needing "space" during an intense emotional/crying spell
Post by: frances on August 10, 2005, 10:51:30 PM
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SO, ds has been having some big emotions lately, especially when I have set a limit or boundary for him (We just returned from a long vacation with my family and he really bonded with my brother and sister, neither are married or have children so they gave him tons of love and affection, and I think he really misses them). He reacts physically by throwing down whatever is in his hands but then he just starts to wail. And he doesn't necessarily want me to pick him up and take him to our comfort corner - he gives clear signals that he wants space but not to be left alone. My question is do I move him to the comfort corner and then give him some space or do I just sit near him and try to reflect his feelings and help him through it? It feels more natural to remain where we are but maybe, if he were in his comfort corner, he would start to use some of the tools there to help him through his emotions.
Actually, this leads to another question - ds just turned 2 and honestly, does the reflecting of feelings, or anything that I am saying/doing really get through? I don't think he can even hear me or register what I am saying!

I almost feel as I did when ds was a newborn - he's wailing away but I'm not quite sure what he needs at this point! It was so much easier then - all he needed was my boob! If only all of life's problems could be solved by nursing!


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Title: Re: comfort corner vs. needing "space" during an intense emotional/crying spell
Post by: milkmommy on August 10, 2005, 11:06:41 PM
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Quote
ds just turned 2 and honestly, does the reflecting of feelings, or anything that I am saying/doing really get through? I don't think he can even hear me or register what I am saying!

YES! it soo does, my DD 2.5 but has a severe language delay and fo ever it felt like talking to a wall, but now that were starting to have small language breakthroughs I'm clearly seeing the results of reflecting all this time...
Or the comfort corner, honestly I think a big part will depend on your child. When our DD was younger from about 15-30 months her comfort corner was basically her room. The "comfort corner" felt too confining and it became to time outish. She needed to be able to walk and roll and vent her big feelings (she was never a big tantrum thrower but she needs to make big body movements) Now that she's learned to controll her "anger area" more the comfort corner is a great place.
Now IF she gets where she needs to calm down and regroup I DO physically take her to the comfort area, and make it quite clear that shes having Big feelings and thats okay but she has to do them here..I als require her to take the first calming steps. I tell her I'm here when shes calmer and ready to allow me to help but I wont be a victum to her screaming.
It ussually takes her just a few seconds to calm down (I don't expect her to totally stop just calm enough I can aid).. I've also seen her run to her couch and cuddle with her blanket and doll just whenever shes gotton upset.

Deanna


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Title: Re: comfort corner vs. needing "space" during an intense emotional/crying spell
Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 11, 2005, 11:40:19 AM
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He's really too young to expect to see results from what you're doing--but keep doing it and as he ages and matures you'll see the fruit of your efforts. :heart It might also help to read Ames and Ilg's "Your Two Year Old"


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Title: Re: comfort corner vs. needing "space" during an intense emotional/crying spell
Post by: frances on August 11, 2005, 12:02:17 PM
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Thanks for reassuring me that what I'm doing really will affect him - it is difficult to see that far down the road at times.
I think it's a good idea also to reevaluate how our comfort corner works - I'll have to keep that in mind as ds gets older but also now - maybe I just haven't found the "right" spot for it or need to change the stuff we have in it. I've let ds put what he wants there but since he doesn't grasp the idea yet I think it's a little hard for him to figure out what he needs there.
Also, I'll have to reread "your two year old"...

Thank you for your suggestions.
Robin

GCM_Sticky
06-16-2007, 09:07 AM
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:arrow Title: Transitioning from negative time outs to a CC
Post by: NayneeNoo on March 17, 2006, 01:41:07 PM
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First of all, is 18 months old too young to start a comfort corner?

Second, how do you suggest transitioning from using negative time outs to using a comfort corner (and make sure it's a POSITIVE thing)?? We've used time outs before, but see now that it's not a...well,
grace-ful thing to do. We're jumping into this whole-heartedly, but don't want to start implementing tools too early. TIA


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Title: Re: Transitioning from negative time outs to a CC
Post by: OpalsMom on March 17, 2006, 02:25:29 PM
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I have a just-turned two year old who is neither the easiest nor the hardest child in the universe, and the only time she's ever had anything like a time-out was when another mother said to her 7-year old "Do you need a break?" and DD tugged on her shirt and said "Excuse me, I need a break." So I picked her up and we went into the other room and had a break... In that situation, both the 7-year old and DD were getting pretty hyped up and a breather really worked (although I think DD only asked because she likes to be in on whatever's being offered around and didn't understand the phrase and thought maybe chocolate would be involved).

Now, I don't do time-out on purpose, but I'd be perfectly happy to have a comfort corner, but somehow it's just never arisen. I have sometimes needed to separate her from something she couldn't deal with, but that's different. Part of it has to do with DD's personality, undoubtedly (she does melt down, but not for very long at a time and not aggressively; if you reflect feelings calmly while doing something else until the worst of it has passed and then hug her, it's all over with in a minute or two). But most of the time I see people talking about doing time-outs with their toddlers, they don't need a comfort corner, they need to stop some behavior and then move on. I don't think 18 months is too young if a comfort corner is really the right answer, and there's one kid at daycare for whom it is, but I think it's really only the right answer for feelings that are too big too deal with. Other things have better answers.


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Title: Re: Transitioning from negative time outs to a CC
Post by: Atarah on March 17, 2006, 11:25:22 PM
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Quote from: OpalsMom on March 17, 2006, 02:25:29 PM
but I think it's really only the right answer for feelings that are too big too deal with. Other things have better answers.


:yes

on what occasions had you tried using a time-out? if you post specifics it would help the ladies here to make suggestions that are more likely to be helpful for you and your dd.  :)

I, too, have an 18 month old, and the only 'comfort corner' we have is my arms and lap.  We also are still nursing (which I read you aren't), but sometimes we're on the couch with ds nursing.....

I do model 'taking a break'.  Sometimes I just say, "I'm frustrated, I need to take a break." and stop whatever I'm doing and go to my comfort corner, which right now is the comfy chair on the back patio.  We have a fenced yard so ds is safe playing in the yard by himself while I sit for a few minutes to regroup.  He usually wants to be near me, but that's o.k. 

The biggests things for us to have successful days (thanks to the ladies here) are:
1)routine - not a strict schedule - ds is much more even keeled when he knows what is going to happen next during our day.
2)involving him in what I'm doing, so long as he can be safe doing it - even if it means something takes longer when he's helping - e.g. putting the clothes from the dryer into a laundry basket, helping me sweep the floor with a small broom, carrying the dishes one by one from the dishwasher and handing them to me to put on the shelves (allowing for the occasional broken glass ;) ).  Today he surprised me - we recently moved, and i was unpacking book and putting them up on shelves. Before we moved all he wanted to do was empty out the shelves.  Today he wanted to help put them up.....
3)making the redirect as interesting (within reason) as the original desired item.
4)staying connected - we giggle a lot - generally from little 'i love you rituals' interspersed throughout the day.  the one's i do every day lead to more giggles than the one's done less consistantly.
5)telling him what he CAN do - it's o.k. to throw balls outside, it's o.k. to hit pillows, it's o.k. to climb and stand on chairs as long as the back is pushed up against a counter or the wall, etc.....

hth

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Title: Re: Transitioning from negative time outs to a CC
Post by: NayneeNoo on March 18, 2006, 06:50:06 AM
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To be perfectly honest, I was using it for EVERYTHING. Like I said in my lightbulb post, I was making big deals out of stupid issues. If she kept pulling DVDs off the shelf, time out, if she told me no and hit me, time out, if she was throwing toys against the wall, time out, dumping her cereal on the floor, time out, I think you get the point.......I was giving her time out for things that I could've avoided in the first place. I was the one who needed time out!

The reason why I ask about the comfort corner now is because DD isn't cuddly when she's got big feelings. She wants to be left alone, but she's still too young to work it out that way. I tried the whole bear hug thing....ha...watch out! It made her more angry, so we don't do that anymore.

I think right now the big deal is we're cooped up in the house all day long b/c it's so chilly outside & very, very windy. She's a very social baby, so to only see mommy all day long is a travesty. LOL. She'll go from having tantrums all day long (no matter how much attention I do/don't give her) to happy as a clam when we go visit her little friend who is a month older than she is. When she goes into the church nursery, she's in heaven. We've gone in there to pick her up a few times and she's generally sitting next to a bigger kid trying to copy what he/she is doing. Luckily we have a nursery that, when they get too much to handle (big feelings, needing redirection, etc), they DO call the parent's number so that we can go get them. Yay!

I think perhaps I will try to see if she enjoys helping me out a little more perhaps a wet paper towel to help wash the windows today......

Now my brain is working. Things for getting it jumpstarted, ladies.


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Title: Re: Transitioning from negative time outs to a CC
Post by: mommy2abigail on March 18, 2006, 07:50:04 PM
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Yeah definately get her involved in helping you. Baby wipes are great! They dont ruin anything, and are safe for little hands and mouths. The little girl I watched wiped the whole house down every day with wipes! I got her a spray bottle with water too for her to spray and wipe. I agree with the pp that a "time out" may look like a "time in" on your lap, or just sitting near you. Maybe a little chair with some books/puzzles/coloring that you can invite her to when she is overwhelmed?

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:arrow Title: Comfort Corner ?
Post by: Amythestmama on January 23, 2007, 04:04:01 PM
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I was using this without knowing it! :lol  I read a few of the threads but did not really know what a comfort corner is. I decided today to see what it was. So yes, I've been usuing it w/o knowing it. :)
So, here's the question: Dd loves to go to her bedroom and sit on her bed with her special red light on and her music. I give her a stack of books and a fresh cup of water. But, her room is upstairs and I am usually downstairs. I do have the baby monitor on so I can hear her just fine. Sometimes I'm up there with ds in our room. She generally does better when she's alone probably b/c I get upset and she senses my frustration. She plays, reads, whatever for awhile and then either I go get her, or she starts asking "What mama doin'?" and I know she's ready to come back. The seperation works good for me b/c then *I* can calm down. :O I think I need a comfort corner too!
So, is it ok that I take her up to her room and tell her to play, read, or rest for a bit? Or should I be keeping her on the main floor w/me?
Oh yeah, She was pulling out my crocheting today and I yelled at her to get out of my chair and leave my stuff alone. :blush :no2 I was just so frustrated that she had gotten back into the chair after I had helped her down and told her it was not the place for her. She looked at me and said "Mama loud, noisy!"  :blush She wasn't getting anything except that mama was being loud. :doh

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Title: Re: Comfort Corner ?
Post by: blessed2mothr4 on January 24, 2007, 11:48:29 AM
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I would leave her alone in her room.  If she's more comfortable there, then why not?

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Title: Re: Comfort Corner ?
Post by: canadiyank on January 24, 2007, 03:02:16 PM
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Our comfort corner for dd1 is her room...it's right off the living room, where we usually are, so not too far away. If she seems to do fine with that, I'd be ok with it - as long as she's not being "banished," kwim? A cc is usually in a public place, but it's worked for us to be in a nearby room. Also, remember it's to teach skills for calming down (which is sound like you're doing great with - music, books, etc :tu ) and if she needs you I'd stay with her.

:hug


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner ?
Post by: Susan K on January 24, 2007, 06:16:21 PM
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My oldest ds at times will only calm down in his room. He can come down when he is calmed down .
                       Susan


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner ?
Post by: mamaKristin on January 24, 2007, 07:18:27 PM
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If it's working, it sounds good.  :yes  As long as you don't turn it into 'sending her to her room', it can totally work that way.


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Title: Re: Comfort Corner ?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on January 24, 2007, 07:51:36 PM
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that's fine :)  because you are keeping it a positive thing and she enjoys going in there and finds comfort, it's not something isolating or scaring her :hug

I'm working (thanks to Palil's wonderful suggestion) on a Comfort Corner in a bag :grin  I'm so excited!

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:arrow Title: sibling hurting other sibling and comfort corner?
Post by: LauraK on December 21, 2005, 01:57:13 PM
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My three year old sometimes hurts my one year old.  She is generally not aggressive but at times she can be.  What do you do in that moment?  I am reading Crystals Biblical Parenting book about the comfort corner and saying "you need to take a break, do you want me to come with you?"  Well I am actually not willing to go with her because I want to focus on the hurt child not the child who hurt her.  Anyway...how do you handle these moments? 

Most of my parenting problems involve me feeling like both my children need me at the same moment.  YOu all with big families impress me so much as I struggle so hard with what I call "the juggle" and "mommy triage".


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Title: Re: sibling hurting other sibling and comfort corner?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on December 21, 2005, 02:00:18 PM
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I would pick up the hurt child and take the older child with me and we'd all go to the Cuddle Corner :tu 

Also, what is the reason she is usually hurting?  My guess is it has to do with little one getting into big one's stuff???  Does she have a baby free zone where she can be alone and protected with her toys?

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:arrow Title: Meltdown 95,452,123
Post by: blessed2mothr4 on April 28, 2006, 05:37:17 AM
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NJ again... It seems he gets REALLY angry when I calmly handle a situation versus when I get really angry.

This morning I caught him coloring in a school book that belongs to my Mom. It's an old curious george book that we make copies out of for the kids to color, but don't actually let them color in the book. I calmly told him that wasn't a book to color in, but he could have this copy (of the exact page he was coloring). That about about 8 minutes ago and he is still throwing a fit about it. I asked him if he'd like to sit w/ me to calm down or go to his bed to calm down (he has made his bed his cuddle corner...) he opted for his bed, but still isn't calming down. I know if I go in there, it'll make things worse tho (btdt too many times)

Any reason why he would act like this?? If I had gotten angry w/ him he would be fine right now... but since I didn't he's throwing a fit. :doh :shrug

I just don't understand that boy. :doh


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Title: Re: Meltdown 95,452,123
Post by: MarynMunchkins on April 28, 2006, 06:12:41 AM
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I'd guess that when you're calm he feels safe enough to have big feelings about it. :)


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Title: Re: Meltdown 95,452,123
Post by: hsgbdmama on April 28, 2006, 06:31:14 AM
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At this point he might need some help moving forward. Would he be receptive to you going in by him and saying something like "I know you are upset that you cannot color directly in the Curious George book, but I have made some more copies, and we all miss you! Would you like to color some of those or should we find a coloring book for you to color in? Or would you like a little more time in your comfort corner?"

GCM_Sticky
06-16-2007, 04:00 PM
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:arrow Title: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: butterflymommy on February 12, 2006, 07:02:31 PM
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Hi,
I am very new to this board. I came from a Pearlish-training mentality. (I posted on the untraining message board a few times.) I came to GCM to be encouraged to parent my children with the Joy of The Lord! Though I believe that spanking isn't the answer, I believe that training is vital. When I read the verse, "Train Up a Child The Way They Should Go, And When They Are Old They will Not Depart From It," I think that this is a COMMAND to follow with grave seriousness.The Pearls were not very good about explaining that training can be positive. It was sprinkled throughout their materials, but not very well. Basically, training IS a POSITIVE thing. It cheers up your child and makes them feel good. This is what you are hoping the Comfy Corner will do, but you are forgetting that your children need to learn from their mistakes. They need to one day be mature adults that can reason how to follow God and flee from sin. That is what we are training them for, right? In our home, training is positive. I don't think we need to swing the pendulum all the way to the other side and neglect training all together! Our children DO NOT need to be put aside when they are needing to learn how to self-correct. Comfy Corner seems like a fancy, fluffy time-out, IMOP.

I quoted this from ArmsOfLove, regarding Comfy Corner:

But if I come over and you've been having a bad day and not behaving well (maybe grousing or yelling at the kids, not doing your responsibilities around the house, etc) which would you prefer me to do:

1) "I'm disgusted at the way you've been behaving today. Your children deserve better than this. What kind of a mother do you think you are? You need to go into your room for 30 minutes (1 minute per year ;) ) and really think about how bad you are. I will come and get you in 1/2 hour and then I will be nice to you."

or

2) "Wow, you're having a bad day. How about I watch the kids for a bit and you go get a cup of coffee and take a break :cup Come back when you're feeling better and if you want to talk about what's going on we can do it then." :hug


Of course, we adults all choose #2 scenario. Goodness! But, that is because we are adults, with mature reasoning skills. We can make choices to change our behavior much better than our little children can. I really don't understand how this analogy has anything to do with our children? This decision-making is not what our children are capable of, yet.

We are adults, that can reason like adults. Children haven't reached this stage of moral accountibility. When my child is not behaving, he cannot reason, calm himself down, use proper self control to change his behavior. Ignoring it won't work, but making him happy, instead of teaching him to behave better, is worse. Why are we so concerned about making them happy when they are the ones that need to learn that their unhappiness is from making poor choices? It is good they are sour, mean, nasty. That means that we are needing to train them better in those areas where they are not cheerful, joyful, honoring God. Or, maybe that is a reflection on us not properly trianing them? Shouldn't we train them instead of putting stuffed animals, books, and a sweet hugging mama by their side? I train my child, and I am still sweet. But, I will NEVER let them get rewarded for their bad behavior. Changing their mood isn't helping or solving their problem. Now, I would never say, "I'm disgusted w/ you!" Or use time-out to let them feel bad longer. I also don't talk rudely to my child and use shaming to motivate him to do better. I tell my child he was wrong and he needs to learn that acting wrong will not benefit him. He will experience something contrary to his current mood/behavior. That doesn't mean I need to spank him like the Pearls teach, but something that will qualify as proper discipline must happen, otherwise I am setting him up to become foolish. (Isn't that what using the "ROD" means? To teach our children how to flee from sin (foolishness) and honor God?) ! I think that making him comfortable by ignoring his bad behavior and then never correct him is a bad idea. Why not train him to change his bad mood/behavior into a good one? Why not discuss his poor behavior? OK, let's say that discussion can be by action, not just a "lecture?" If he was hitting a child and not stopping, then teach him that his hands were meant to love by learning how to serve the family with his hands for a week: set the table, fold the laundry, wash dishes, share his toys, brush the cat, etc. Praise, praise, praise his efforts and explain how his hands are loving, serving, and pleasing to God. To reward his hitting by making him feel good is crazy to me??? I think time out is wrong, and comfy corner sounds just like that??? I cuddle, hug, love my children all day long! A child needs to be STOPPED and corrected when they are acting poorly. That is what true training is like. it won't be fun to do this at times, but having warm-fuzzy moments in not what life is all about. My children are all smiles 30 seconds into the correction/discipline. I think CC is the way extreme opposite of punitive discipline. I'm sure the children in Comfy Corner are smiling...they got away with their bad behavior.

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: greenemama on February 12, 2006, 07:31:18 PM
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:hug i had my own struggles with the comfort corner. it seemed to me to be just what you describe: rewarding of unwanted behavior and way too much fun to teach anything.

first of all, why do you think that your children are unable to appreciate taking a break to regroup and "feel better" so that they can act better? at what age would you expect them to be mature enough to have #2 be a positive learning experience for them? my 3.5 year old understands what we're doing because we've discussed what the comfy chair is for when he's in a positive mood. when he is overstimulated or just out of control and he goes to the chair to read or whatever it's a time to calm down so that when he is calm we can discuss what he needs to learn. learning anything is best done when we are calm, no? when i'm angry and irrational it doesn't really matter what someone says in an effort to enlighten me about something. after i've taken a walk or cleaned the kitchen :shifty and have calmed down i'm better able to be rebuked and not be a "fool" about it. it's the same way for children -- when they're angry or just extremely emotional they're not as able to learn -- they need to calm down.

the comfort corner does not take the place of instruction and rebuke, it precludes training and teaching when emotions are too high to be receptive.

edited to add that the comfort corner *is* teaching something to our children -- it's teaching them to regroup and calm down before reacting in anger! it teaches them the ability to calm themselves. :)

does that help at all? i'm sure crystal or joanne can answer better. :O

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: mamaKristin on February 12, 2006, 07:37:33 PM
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Just a quick comment...

part of how we use the comfort corner is to help model how to handle ourselves - how to deal with big emotions, how to recognize when we have hurt others, how to gain control of ourselves when we are feeling out of control. Through modelling proper behaviour when not feeling good or acting good is part of 'training'. To be honest, I was a child who was put in time outs...and I have to really work at this too - I didn't learn how to deal with my emotions well, I learned how to stuff them down, but not how to calm myself. My kids don't get away with bad behaviour, we address it and move forwards. I don't make them go away to their rooms when I don't like what they've done.

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on February 12, 2006, 07:53:00 PM
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Oh goodness--you are making so many assumptions and reading so much into the Comfort Corner. Where to start :scratch

Quote
This is what you are hoping the Comfy Corner will do, but you are forgetting that your children need to learn from their mistakes.
I'm not forgetting this :shrug

Quote
They need to one day be mature adults that can reason how to follow God and flee from sin. That is what we are training them for, right?
Well, the Hebrew for "train" means to immerse and dedicate. It is not a momentary thing, it's a lifestyle. The way to do it is according to Deuteronomy where we're instructed to teach them God's ways when we walk along the way, sit in our house, rise up and lay down. This Proverb is referring to doing that instruction.

I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not my children are happy. Happy is not the only acceptable emotion and ime parents who desire their children to always be happy get tripped up with permissiveness because negative emotions are perceived as a sign of parental failure. I'm glad when my children are happy, but that's about them, not me. So the Comfort Corner is not about getting them to be happy, and it's not a reward for negative behavior. It's a self regulating tool. It's a place to go and regroup and collect yourself. I mean, when a child is in the full blown heat of a situation and experiencing all of their very big feelings they are simply not in a place to hear, receive, and personalize correction. In the moment is never going to be the best time to discuss what has happened. Defenses are up, feelings are heated, and everything is taken way more intensely than it needs to be. Having a child go to the Comfort Corner teaches them that when feelings are high and conflict is imminent it's time to take a break and collect yourself--come back when you are ready to deal with it. Most children, very quickly, learn to retreat to the Comfort Corner *before* there is a problem--when they perceive that they aren't handling things well. And while we don't talk about what happened *in* the Comfort Corner, you can bet we talk about it at other times. Now, sometimes they come out and resolve the situation and there's nothing to talk about--I consider the situation resolved if the child comes out and fixes the situation or makes amends for a wrong. Not everything needs my commentary and often my commentary falls into the category of "piggybacking" which gives the child the message that they can't learn from life's lessons and actually serves to take away from the lessons they did learn.

Typically when a child is done taking a break we'll sit down and talk and I'll start by asking them what their thoughts are about things. If they've figured it out then great :) If they need some guidance or other perspective or some Scriptural instruction then we do it when we're both in a calm and connected place. If things are common problems then we do character training as we walk down the road, sit in our house, lay down and rise up :grin Another thing we do after the Comfort Corner is talk about ways to prevent a similar situation from happening next time--including going to the CC first and coming back when they feel better.

Please don't read it as the "Comfortable Corner", as in helping them feel comfortable about what they've done. That is not what it is. It is the *Comfort* Corner and it's a place to go when you feel out of sorts in order to Comfort yourself and get back on your game. That's a wonderful tool to equip a child with imo!

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: UltraMother on February 12, 2006, 07:54:35 PM
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The cc is meant to calm the child down and give him some space, just not in a punitive way. It is not meant to be the correction itself.

But there are several assumptions going on here that you may want to reevaluate from a gbd position.

It is good they are sour, mean, nasty...
Why? Do you learn best when you are unhappy/upset?

To reward his hitting by making him feel good is crazy to me???

The cc is not a reward, nor punishment, it is just neutral.

I'm sure the children in Comfy Corner are smiling...they got away with their bad behavior.

This is a very adversarial POV. The behavior was stopped- what makes you say they "got away" with it?

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: AmyDoll on February 12, 2006, 08:10:38 PM
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Can I give you an example of how we used it yesterday?

Sam (age 27 mos) is excited - snow is falling, he's up a bit late, Gma and Gpa are over. He's running and getting a bit out of control. He hits Gma with a toy hammer - he thinks he's funny. Gma gets loud - not mean or anything, my mom is just a loud person. So, I scoop Sam and we go to the comfort corner and he sits with me. We talk about hitting and Gma and running really briefly - and I tell him we're taking a little break and offer to read him a bit of a story or let him color. He chooses a story and we read it.
We sit for about 5 minutes and he rejoins the group calmer and asks Gma if she needs a bandaid and gives her a kiss. (all of his own accord - no prompting)

Crystal, of course, explained it best :tu but I thought I'd share a "practical" application.

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: butterflymommy on February 12, 2006, 08:22:01 PM
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:tu VERY COOL comments (thank you ALL, especially ArmsOfLove)...I am so glad I was brave enough to share my doubts/concerns! WOW...you received me so well...I feel LOVED and vert inspired!

So, CC is meant as a "cool down time?" Or, a time to take a step back/ re-group? I totally love that.

This doesn't mean you won't revisit those areas where your children need training? Training is valued, just not when your children are not in their right space?

So, we adjust their attitude in order to reach them when they are at their best? I get that.

I love that "training is a lifestyle." Man...I wish I wrote that first! :highfive

I am STUCK on ONLY having happy children. Pray, for me...I am weak here. I guess that is what the Pearls' influence did for me. :think I really DO think that happiness = Godliness.

:cry I am soooo new with this...tell me HOW to make this a real thing. (I am crying right now!) :shrug

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: butterflymommy on February 12, 2006, 08:27:12 PM
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I scoop Sam and we go to the comfort corner and he sits with me. We talk about hitting and Gma and running really briefly - and I tell him we're taking a little break and offer to read him a bit of a story or let him color. He chooses a story and we read it.
We sit for about 5 minutes and he rejoins the group calmer and asks Gma if she needs a bandaid and gives her a kiss. (all of his own accord - no prompting)

beautiful, absolutley beautiful...thank you....

Now...how does a newbie, even start this???

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on February 12, 2006, 08:28:16 PM
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well now I"m :happytears because you are totally getting it and I can tell it's reaching you deep in your heart :hug

It might help you to do some checking in Scripture of all the emotions attributed to God besides happy. He is angry, and grieved, and so many things that the Pearls would say are negative and unGodly. Jesus was angry, grieved, sweat blood and cried. In fact, the shortest verse in the Bible is one of my favorite, "Jesus cried."

It can also help to stop and take a moment to watch them when they are having negative emotions and ask the Lord to show you their heart. With His wisdom and discernment you can see to the real heart of things :heart This is a huge part of connecting and relationship. And it can really help to think about how you'd want dh or anyone to react when you are having negative feelings. What would show you the most love?

GCM_Sticky
06-16-2007, 04:00 PM
continued...

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: TulipMama on February 12, 2006, 08:28:25 PM
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*huuuuug*

butterflymommy, I totally get where you are coming from. *hug* This is all a big shift. And I think for you (as it was for me) there are great big yellow warning flags in the back of our minds saying, "Hey! Don't become permissive! Don't be walked all over and neglect to train our children in reaction to our mistakes!" And I think those warning flags we have are important.

For our family, it took awhile to institute a comfort corner. We have one now, but are still slowly getting used to using it as a training tool. My first response in situations that need specific attention is to hug and pray. Pulling my child on my lap and praying silently or outloud seems to be an internal "comfort corner" for myself. Gives me time to be calm, reconnect with my child, pray for wisdom, and then deal with whatever the situation at hand may be.

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: milkmommy on February 12, 2006, 08:30:17 PM
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Quote
I think that making him comfortable by ignoring his bad behavior and then never correct him is a bad idea. Why not train him to change his bad mood/behavior into a good one? Why not discuss his poor behavior? OK, let's say that discussion can be by action, not just a "lecture?" If he was hitting a child and not stopping, then teach him that his hands were meant to love by learning how to serve the family with his hands for a week: set the table, fold the laundry, wash dishes, share his toys, brush the cat, etc. Praise, praise, praise his efforts and explain how his hands are loving, serving, and pleasing to God. To reward his hitting by making him feel good is crazy to me???

You are completely missing what a comfort corner us I'd suggest sticking around doing some more reading and asking questions from an open mind to gain a bater understanding. I do get where your comming from I didn't get it at first but now I can say it actually has a much better "training" result than a more traditional punitive timeout. First off the comfort corner isn't to ingnore the bad behavior and innapropiate behavior is 'corrected", the comfort corner does provide a place for discussion.


Quote
If he was hitting a child and not stopping, then teach him that his hands were meant to love by learning how to serve the family with his hands for a week: set the table, fold the laundry, wash dishes, share his toys, brush the cat, etc. Praise, praise, praise his efforts and explain how his hands are loving, serving, and pleasing to God.
Many here advocate this idea I do here if my DD hurts or uses her bdy in an inappropiate way we talk about why its wrong and discuss how she can make ammends by giving a way she can use the offensive "part' in a positive way. We also look at the developmental reasons like does she have enough tacticle play to get those "hits" out. There is not begining or end to these types of teaching, my three year old rountinuly helps in all (except we don't have a cat :giggle) you talk about because of the reasons you state and because its what makes our family tick and function. We do not make these things into punishments or rewards. It makes it a lot easier to open the discussion on the rare occasion she does get aggressive.

Quote
To reward his hitting by making him feel good is crazy to me???[
The comfort corner is not a reward its a netural place providing a calm atphmosphere so child can collect him/herself and a solution and discussion can take place. A child does not need to feel bad to understand a lesson. You completely miss the point stay and learn you may be suprised

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: milkmommy on February 12, 2006, 08:31:29 PM
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opps posted before I read your update
:tu :tu :highfive :hug

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: butterflymommy on February 12, 2006, 08:45:43 PM
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milkmommy... :hug..I ned the BOLD, the truth, the love...Your post was A+! . :amen

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-C
Post by: Irene on February 12, 2006, 08:50:21 PM
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(((((((((((butterflymommy))))))))) Im so glad you are here, learning :heart
Quote
.tell me HOW to make this a real thing. (I am crying right now!)
Im all teared up watching you grow, and its only been a few days! :happytears

Quote
Pulling my child on my lap and praying silently or outloud seems to be an internal "comfort corner" for myself. Gives me time to be calm, reconnect with my child, pray for wisdom, and then deal with whatever the situation at hand may be.
I have been doing this the last couple days and what a difference its been making in my attitude toward the kids (especially my dd :O ) and how much she calms down and then starts acting better :tu :happytears

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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: milkmommy on February 12, 2006, 08:50:44 PM
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Quote from: butterflymommy on February 12, 2006, 08:45:43 PM
milkmommy... :hug..I ned the BOLD, the truth, the love...Your post was A+! . :amen



:hug glad you understood :hug Again feel free to ask ask ask. Not everyone approaches the comfort corner totally the same I for ecample just couldn't get past the name for the longest time :blush :jawdrop :hiding it sounded permissive and way too out their for me :giggle
But them I figured out I needed one as in for me not my child she has her own :giggle Get one for yourself you'll be shocked how much it does change your outlook.. ;)

Deanna


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: canadiyank on February 13, 2006, 12:21:45 AM
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Quote from: butterflymommy on February 12, 2006, 08:22:01 PM
I am STUCK on ONLY having happy children. Pray, for me...I am weak here. I guess that is what the Pearls' influence did for me. :think I really DO think that happiness = Godliness.


:hug This is a hard thing for a lot of us! Negative feelings are often uncomfortable, and honestly, happy kids are a lot easier to be around! But we are trying to teach them ways to manage those "big feelings" in an appropriate way...this is a lesson even *I* need to learn, and I have my own "comfort corner." :mrgreen


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: mommy2abigail on February 13, 2006, 05:36:48 PM
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:heart Butterflymommy, I hope that you feel :grouphug here. I'm glad you posted your real concerns, hopefully, (like me!) you'll get some good answers to your questions and concerns. It's very (VERY!) difficult when you come from a punitive mindset to regulate the permissiveness. I am trying very hard to maintain a balance- I have A LOT to learn! Anyway, just wanted to second what Crystal said, she is a great source of wisdom when it comes to this Grace Based Parenting stuff! Anyway, just wanted to offer up a :pray and a :hug to you!


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: Rbonmom on February 13, 2006, 11:42:35 PM
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I just wanted to add another perspective too. I was reading Clay Clarkson's "heartfelt discipline" and he discusses how in the church parent's are taught to cling to Prov. 22:6 as though its a command with a promise, when actually it's not. It's in Prov. which is a book of Wisdom. Clarkson was writing about how many people believe if they "train up their child" then they are guaranteed a Godly child, and that is a false believe in "formulaic parenting" that Pearls and many others are big proponents of. We have to get away from always relying on a formula as the solution, and rather lean on the Holy Spirit for wisdom and direction.
Also, keep in mind that this passage is referring to the same "naar" of Prov. 23 and is directed/referring to a young man. Clarkson gives this layman's translation based on the meaning of the Hebrew "dedicate a young man to following God's way of wisdom. Even when he is a grown man, he will not turn aside from that way". To quote "The passage actually describes a young man who has left childhood behind and who is ready to follow God on his own and prepare to enter the adult world- but his parents need to dedicate him to that path. In the same way we dedicate a church building to God's use when it has been completed, according to this passage, we should dedicate our youth to God's purposes once their childhood has been completed."


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: wombmate3 on February 14, 2006, 01:59:10 PM
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:tu

It took me nearly two whole years to get into balance as far as punitive vs. permissive goes. I am still not perfect (as indeed I will never be), and we have days when I am more punitive, and days when I am too permissive. There is a LOT less yelling, big feelings, and hitting. And I am just talking about ME! :laughtears

I am inspired and heartened to see that this is touching you! GBD was THE BEST thing I ever did for our family. Coming here made a world of difference on 'getting it'. :highfive :heart


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: bylerbunch on February 15, 2006, 05:05:38 AM
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Butterflymommy, I am not a brand new newbie, as I've only been here since last summer, but I've come from a Ezzo/Pearl background as well. :td And, it IS hard to change that mentality -- but with God's help, it can be done! :tu Keep hanging out here and you will learn so much!! What helped me also is to read over the fruits of the spirit in Galatians -- I had to ask myself, am I exhibiting these fruits when I discipline my children? Sadly, the answer was no. I have learned that there are so many more Scriptures that have to do with parenting that the Proverbs 22:6 verse. And, people here have shown me that that verse is often misinterpreted.

I learn something everytime I come to this board, and this thread on the "comfort corner" has been awesome! Thanks everyone for continuing to teach me and help me to become a better mom!! :heart

Butterflymommy, I hope you have an awesome day in the Lord today!!! :hug


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: TulipMama on February 22, 2006, 06:42:46 PM
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Quote
What helped me also is to read over the fruits of the spirit in Galatians -- I had to ask myself, am I exhibiting these fruits when I discipline my children?

Beth, this has been so important to me as well. Early on in my GBD journey (right around the time I joined GCM, actually) I started doing a personal Bible study, spending time studying each attribute mentioned in Gal 5:22-23. And as I studied, I prayed that the Holy Spirit would develop these things in me, especially as I related to my husband and children. God used that time of study and meditation to change my attitudes greatly. I'm still slow to bear fruit, but the Lord is being faithful, even in that.

*huuuuug*


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: AandNsMom on February 22, 2006, 06:48:28 PM
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Quote from: wombmate3 on February 14, 2006, 01:59:10 PM
There is a LOT less yelling, big feelings, and hitting. And I am just talking about ME! :laughtears


This really, really made me smile!
It really is more about us, I think,
This has been a great thread.
Butterflymommy, welcome and I am glad you are here.


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: Marmee on February 22, 2006, 07:48:39 PM
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Okay, I am a non-punitive parent, but fairly new to this board and all of the terminology. Could someone explain - What exactly is a "comfy-corner" - and I mean physically - not the benefits of - which are clear and obvious to me from this post.
Is it a chair? A literal corner? Do you have it in the main room of the house? Do you put pillows?books?dolls and stuffed animals?
Do you suggest it to the child, send them there, is it voluntary only? Do you go with them? Send them alone?
I am curious. But also trying to help my DH with some techniques. He does not want to spank (it was originally his idea to do otherwise, as we both come from spanking homes). I jumped on board after seeing that spanking was a waste of time and energy for everybody. I am embarressed now to admit we did spank for a time :blush (but it was years ago and we have moved on!) I do not do time out either, but he still uses it (I think because he gets frustrated and doesn't know what else to do.) He called me today while I was out on an errand having trouble with our 2 year old. He had put him in time out. I tried to suggest (calmly and nicely) that maybe he should try something else instead. He snapped at me and the conversation pretty much ended there - my bad, who in their right mind tries to offer advice to a frustrated adult in the middle of a showdown with a two year old? :giggle Of course, when I got home he apologized for his snippish response and said he really was interested in doing something else, but he didn't want to raise an aggressive brat (his words). Two year old kept hitting older sister and visiting cousin. At any rate - it was pretty much a frustrating morning for all of them (except for me - I was at Starbucks :rockon)! So, after all of that rambling, what is a comfy corner and where can I get one!? :jump


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Title: Re: A newbie having a SERIOUS problem with Comfy-Corner!
Post by: Marmee on February 22, 2006, 08:54:47 PM
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:hiding
oops! I just saw the thread that answers my question! Duh.

GCM_Sticky
07-07-2007, 02:27 AM
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:arrow Title: Question about Comfort Corner
Post by: AttachedMamma on April 01, 2005, 06:55:21 AM
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I've recently made it known*(see below) to a mom's bible study group that we practice Attachment parenting. So, now it's possible I have set myself up for questioning/debates, etc. :wow I suspect that one mom will really try to corner me on some issues. Let's take the Comfort Corner alternative for starters. (I'm sure the spanking stuff will eventually come too.) How do I explain that this approach is not considered isolating? How would I illustrate that it differs from TO regarding "being separated from the family"? Your thoughts?
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*We were discussing Agape love and I said that we have a glimpse of God's unconditional love working through us when we love our children in an altruistic way. The group disagreed w/me and said that only God is capable of Agape love. This one mom responded to my statement w/something like, "If we're totally honest w/ourselves, (felt like she was saying I wasn't being honest w/myself :rolleyes), we see that we can't be that way w/our kids." She then gave an example of her child's "temper tantrum" (I hate that description!) and told how she was screaming in her room until she threw up. I could not help myself :blush and said, "Not everyone is doing that--leaving their child in a room to cry." It took off from there.... :rolleyes

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Title: Re: Question about Comfort Corner
Post by: MarynMunchkins on April 01, 2005, 09:00:01 AM
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:wow I can't believe she used that line! :rolleyes So I guess since we can't be exactly like God, we shouldn't even try? Whatever!

Here's honestly how I would answer her...

(Romans 5:1 - 14)

1So what do we do? Keep on sinning so God can keep on forgiving? 2I should hope not! If we've left the country where sin is sovereign, how can we still live in our old house there? 3Or didn't you realize we packed up and left there for good? That is what happened in baptism. When we went under the water, we left the old country of sin behind; when we came up out of the water, we entered into the new country of grace--a new life in a new land!
That's what baptism into the life of Jesus means. 4When we are lowered into the water, it is like the burial of Jesus; when we are raised up out of the water, it is like the resurrection of Jesus. 5Each of us is raised into a light-filled world by our Father so that we can see where we're going in our new grace-sovereign country.
8If we get included in Christ's sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. 9We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. 10When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. 11From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That's what Jesus did.
12That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. 13Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time--remember, you've been raised from the dead!-into God's way of doing things. 14Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer. You're living in the freedom of God.

We are told to love our neighbor as ourselves. (Lev. 19:18, Micah 6:8, Zec. 7:9, Matthew 19:19) It's pretty plain. Here's the definition of neighbor - friend, companion, fellow, another person
friend, intimate
fellow, fellow-citizen, another person (weaker sense)
other, another (reciprocal phrase)

Since it specifically speaks of other people who are weaker than us, it definitely includes children! They count as our neighbors, and we're to love them as God does. We're to be that reflection of God to them.

What is love?

4Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
5Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
6Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
7Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

I think "doesn't force itself on others" pretty much covers locking a child in their room while they scream until they vomit. :(

GL! :hug I'm in a Bible studay at church, and I've opened myself up for the same kind of questioning. It's a little overwhelming and extremely frustrating. But someone took the time to explain it to me, and it changed my life! :heart I want to give someone else the same opportunity.

Oh, :doh I forgot to answer how you explain the difference between TO and the CC, even if the kids are separated. TO is designed to make a child feel guilty about the misbehavior (think about what you did) and to make being alone miserable enough that they don't want to repeat it. The CC is designed to help a child calm down and get a handle on their emotions. The parent can and will go with the child if they need help calming down, and there is no set time limit on being in there.

One is about external control, and the other is about regaining internal control, with help if necessary. :)

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Title: Re: Question about Comfort Corner
Post by: palil on April 01, 2005, 11:11:09 AM
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Great Responses, Mary... I'll have to bookmark that scripture to use if I ever need to reply to something like this! :highfive

Just wanted to add that I think the CC is also about teaching kids an effective way to respond to their OWN stress and upset, so that as they get older, they learn to recognize their own big feelings, and have a pattern in place for how to deal with them. I've seen a lot of Moms here who say that their kids will voluntarily go and *comfort themselves* in the CC b/c they've learned it's a place of safety or a way to let others know they need a break or some encouragement.

I am always amazed at how these kids are learning to identify and cope with overwhelming emotions at such a young age. Many adults who grew up in punitive homes and were not allowed to express emotion are still struggling with how to manage them. I hope when my children leave our home, they will have learned to be honest about their feelings and will be equipped to deal with them in a healthy manner... not stuffing them to please others, exploding b/c they haven't learned to step back from a tense situation, or being overly dependent on others b/c they don't know how to cope with their own feelings.

And what Mary said about a parent being willing to go WITH the child and *help* them calm down is really important. TO is a reactive tool that can easily be abused by a tired or frustrated parent who just wants the kids out of their hair. It typically doesn't have a lot of teaching involved with it either... the kid is just supposed to KNOW what they did wrong. Parents think they will make the connection between doing X and receiving Y (the time out). Problem is the parents are doling out TOs for a bunch of different offenses and at different "levels" of frustration, so the child perceives it as just an angry parent being a bully (and oftentimes that's exactly what it is!)


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:arrow Title: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: harmonyfarms on September 13, 2006, 07:52:27 PM
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I saw the sticky on HOW to make a comfort corner, but I'm still confused on WHAT a comfort corner is? And how to use it?


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: milkmommy on September 13, 2006, 08:02:20 PM
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here a comfort corner is just a comfortable safe place to take a "time out" not a punitive go think about why your a bad person for 10 mintues time but a place to take time and breath relax feel safe and good again so we can talk and regroup. How its used I think can differ a bit from family to family here we no longer have a specific place its the couch and a doll blanket or stuffed animal ( or combo).

Deanna


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: BlessedBlue on September 13, 2006, 09:49:56 PM
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I explained it to my sister as a "coffee break" for kids. You know when you're feeling overwhelmed, and starting to act poorly as a result, the best thing to do is take a break. It's a safe place to go to regroup. You can have someone come with you or you can go there on your own, and while you're there you can regroup emotionally. Of course, then she wanted a comfort corner of her own! :lol

My spirited daughter goes to sit on her little couch whenever she needs a quiet moment. I'm so glad she's learning to calm herself down! Sometimes she asks me to go sit in the rocking chair with her so she can "take a break."


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: canadiyank on September 13, 2006, 10:47:59 PM
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Oh, I like the "coffee break" explanation! :tu Yep, it's a place for them to refocus and calm down and gather their thoughts. You are teaching them skills to effectively handle their emotions - one of the best skills is to learn how to calm yourself, take a step back from the situation, etc.
It's not a punishment, and you can go there with them to help them calm.

For us, it's my dd's room (next door to living room, so still very "public")...I'll say, "Honey, you need to take a break in your room," and she'll go, screaming, throw herself on the bed, kick and flail, scream in the pillow, etc. then come out calm and refreshed a few minutes later. I have no time on it, she comes out when she's ready, and now she goes there of her own accord. Sometimes she needs me, other times she needs to be alone.

Does that make more sense?


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: harmonyfarms on September 14, 2006, 05:29:20 AM
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Yes this makes more sense but how do I get my almost 3yo DS to DO this? We have a chair that he really likes and when he was melting down I would ask if he would like to take a 'break' and he would go there. That stage passed. Now he says no and once of the only things that helps is either I walk away until the tantrum is finished and then I come back and pick him up and he cuddles. Sometimes I can pick him up right away but not if he's too upset. Thoughts?


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: joyful mama on September 14, 2006, 06:04:06 AM
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welll... sometimes I don't make it an option :shifty. " you need to calm down... .. you need to go sit on the couch for a bit." on the couch,(we hav ea big wraparound) I have a huge care bear and a couple of very soft blankets. so, now when normally a person would give a time out... i let her know its time to head there. my 2 yo is very good at this usually. if she's not and she really needs to chill a bit, we do the five steps. bear hugs almost always work. maybe it sounds punitive, but really, i'm not punishing her, i'm getting her to calm down before she hurst someone or herslef. I don't use a timer, make her sit in a corner, etc. and she loves the care bear... the other day she was getting really rough w/her sister, whenthe babysitter was here and her babysitter asked her to go sit down for a while, but didn't know where we 'do time outs' (I explained our methods to her but she still calls it time outs.) and dd headed right for her care bears until she was ready to use gentle hands...


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: blossomnatalia on September 14, 2006, 06:36:21 AM
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So you bring dc there....and then what ? my dd will NOT stay anywhere when she is melting down, like if I bring her to her room and give her books (she loooves books) she will scream and run out right away even so she is obviously not calm yet...Same with the couch and such other places....I have not been able to use this effectively yet. And the bear hug.....she HATES it passionably....she does not even want me to hold her when she is upset so... :rolleyes

I would like to use this but something is missing... :scratch



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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: LisaM on September 14, 2006, 06:53:06 AM
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Natalia--I'm there, too, with Gracie. When she's upset about something, she's UPSET--banging her head, screaming. She's 2 1/2, and I've been attributing this to her age and praying she'll outgrow it soon and become a little more rational in 6 months or so. Part of the problem is that if Simon needs me at the same time, it's really hard to meet both their needs because she has hurt him in the past (not on purpose--he was just in the way).

Right now, I'm focusing on prevention by making sure she always has healthy food available and trying my best to help her nap every day, though sometimes that doesn't happen.


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: joyful mama on September 14, 2006, 08:03:37 AM
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:think my dd gets over stuff very, very quickly. i think i'm lucky in t hat regard. She'll get upset, b ut is easily distracted. We move onto something else very quickly if needed. and we reach a lot of compromises....

Mine doesn't always like the bear hug either, but only occassionally needs it. Its a means of restricting her from hurting herslef and others, not always just a means of 'comfort' kwim? Its done with firmness and compassion at the same time.




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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: pneumaphile on September 14, 2006, 08:10:16 AM
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I went with and offered nursies until they were old enough to want to seek that comfort by themselves. It's not a comforting place because of anything that's there, it's a comforting place because they began, over time, to associate that place with a calming, comforting effect they got while snuggling with me, nursing, rocking.


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: canadiyank on September 14, 2006, 09:53:50 AM
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Hmmm, my dd never ran away or ran out, so I can't help much there. I remember taking her by the hand and taking her there. I have a friend who picks her ds up and holds him in the room on her lap. If she were escpaing the room I would stay there with her and read books if that's what she liked. I've heard of people who just walk away, too, b/c they need the break themselves. :think


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Title: Re: Please explain comfort corner to me
Post by: BlessedBlue on September 14, 2006, 10:10:33 AM
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I have put DD in her room on the bed, and sat outside of the door in the hall (door is closed, but not shut) until we've both had a chance to calm down, before. That way she knows I'm not far away, but I get to take a break too...

GCM_Sticky
07-07-2007, 02:58 AM
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:arrow Title: What do you think?
Post by: emmasmomshana on April 21, 2006, 03:47:43 PM
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Yesterday I was setting Emma up to do some finger painting (Color Wonder brand, she's 18 months) and she got very frustrated and started to throw everything on the floor and get aggressive (she had THAT LOOK in her eye). I told her, "let's go to our comfort corner (the guest bed) and try to calm down". We went in and I did the hug and just held her telling her it was ok to feel angry and frustrated and that mommy was here and let's calm down. Well, it really really escalated in terms of the tantrum and I was sitting there holding my baby girl while she screamed and kicked and I was wondering, "am I helping her by doing this?" I'm really new to GBD and although I agree so far with the principles, I'm not sure what I'm doing is right. Does it sound like I did the right thing?

Also, I had the thought of, how is this different from letting her CIO and will she not associate my hugging her with her emotional bad times? I hug her a lot throughout the day though so it's not like the only time I hug her is when we do CC.

Please tell me what you more experienced GBD'ers think.

Thanks so much!



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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: mamaKristin on April 21, 2006, 04:05:11 PM
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I'm not sure if she may of even been tantruming in the first place. :scratch If that were my DD, I probably would have said "you are showing me that you are finished with the finger paint, let's put them away and wash our hands", removed the paint and led her to wash her hands. Sometimes distraction is all they really need if they are getting frustrated.

In our home, the CC is more of a full-on-meltdown thing at that age. I find that if I work with my kids (not saying you weren't, but that's just the best way I can describe it), we can head off a lot of tantrums...either by reflecting feelings, distraction or being playful in our transitions.


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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: Amber on April 21, 2006, 04:13:42 PM
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My ds is 22 months and I don't use a formal comfort corner with him. Many times when my ds does something like you described it is because he is frustrated with something that is happening...maybe he wanted to sit in a different chair, or he wanted a different color play-doh, etc. My ds doesn't have many words, and none that really help in these situations. But if I have an idea of what he wants I will calmly say his name to get his attention then "do you want to sit in the other chair" while pointing, and he will sign please if that is what he wants.

I'm not sure if any of this would apply to your situation or not...but that is want tends to help when my ds does similar things. I have also noticed that we are more likely to have these types of problems if it is getting close to snack or nap time.


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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: Mamatoto on April 21, 2006, 04:23:30 PM
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At 18 months she was telling you she was finished most likely. My children both threw things at that age when they were done. Or if she was upset by something that didn't seem right to her she could have acted like that, too. Or if it was close to naptime. I would have just gotten her down and met her need. No CC necessary. At that tender age a CC and being held like that would be quite confusing I think. :scratch

:hugheart


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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2006, 04:31:35 PM
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Quote from: emmasmomshana on April 21, 2006, 03:47:43 PM
Yesterday I was setting Emma up to do some finger painting (Color Wonder brand, she's 18 months) and she got very frustrated and started to throw everything on the floor and get aggressive (she had THAT LOOK in her eye). I told her, "let's go to our comfort corner (the guest bed) and try to calm down". We went in and I did the hug and just held her telling her it was ok to feel angry and frustrated and that mommy was here and let's calm down. Well, it really really escalated in terms of the tantrum and I was sitting there holding my baby girl while she screamed and kicked and I was wondering, "am I helping her by doing this?" I'm really new to GBD and although I agree so far with the principles, I'm not sure what I'm doing is right. Does it sound like I did the right thing?
At 18 months I think it might be more helpful to try and encourage her to "use her words" whether that be words or signs or "show me" because it sounds like she was trying to express something she didn't know how to express--whether she was done or wanted something else or was wanting something to be one way and it was another. Usually at that age I say something like, "You are upset! Show me what is wrong. Help me understand so I can help you." If they can't communicate and are just "done" then I'd go to what you did. I suspect it escalated because she wanted to be *heard*, not calmed down.


Quote
Also, I had the thought of, how is this different from letting her CIO and will she not associate my hugging her with her emotional bad times? I hug her a lot throughout the day though so it's not like the only time I hug her is when we do CC.
It's very different from CIO because you are there with her and you are helping her feel understood and comforted. I don't worry about them associating my hugs with emotional bad times because I believe they will make the association that I'm there to comfort them even when they aren't able to be comforted.




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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: loveberry on April 21, 2006, 04:44:58 PM
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Quote from: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2006, 04:31:35 PM
I don't worry about them associating my hugs with emotional bad times because I believe they will make the association that I'm there to comfort them even when they aren't able to be comforted.


I really agree with this. Especially considering how I feel when I am really upset. When someone I love and trust walks away from me and leaves me alone with my feelings, I feel abondoned and betrayed. When someone I love and trust holds me, I feel comforted and supported. I might cry harder or longer in the second situation, but it feels so much better. In the first I might calm down much faster, but it's a calm of suppressed anger and sadness, not resolution.


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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2006, 06:45:10 PM
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Quote from: loveberry on April 21, 2006, 04:44:58 PM
Quote from: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2006, 04:31:35 PM
I don't worry about them associating my hugs with emotional bad times because I believe they will make the association that I'm there to comfort them even when they aren't able to be comforted.


I really agree with this. Especially considering how I feel when I am really upset. When someone I love and trust walks away from me and leaves me alone with my feelings, I feel abondoned and betrayed. When someone I love and trust holds me, I feel comforted and supported. I might cry harder or longer in the second situation, but it feels so much better. In the first I might calm down much faster, but it's a calm of suppressed anger and sadness, not resolution.

:yes very very true!


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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: AmyDoll on April 21, 2006, 07:05:44 PM
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Just as a kind of side note, Sam doesn't get the "delay" of the Color Wonder finger paints and they drive him INSANE! The fact that they are clear and show up later - he's never been successful at them.
He makes great pics with "real" finger paints.

Color Wonder is cool (in concept) - but I'm not getting them back out until he's like 4.


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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: emmasmomshana on April 21, 2006, 07:42:39 PM
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Thank you all so very much! It helps so much to have different points of view on things like this for me. What you said about having someone there to comfort you when you are upset is so true! I can see that now.

I think I will be putting the Color Wonder paints away for now too. I could see how the delay would be frustrating for her and hadn't thought about it like that before. As a side note, I did get her a paintbrush and we "painted" on the sidewalk with water and she loved that! The cement turned a different color and instead of having to clean it up, it just evaporated and she loved it. Much less frustrating for her.

Now that you mention it, she was tired because after she had her crying done she did lay down with me and take a nap.

This is still hard for me to know just what to do. Luckily she very rarely escalates to full blown tantrum mode, but I need to figure out how to handle it in a consistant manner. That's why I'm here! :D

I have to say though that since I have learned about GBD and also was rededicated, I have had so much more patience and can really be more calm with her (and dh :mrgreen). I truly feel God's presence in my life and I am so thankful! :amen

Thank you for your responses and I welcome any more!


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Title: Re: What do you think?
Post by: ArmsOfLove on April 21, 2006, 07:44:21 PM
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:hug2 I'm so glad you're being blessed. The Lord is teaching you now and that's great :tu

GCM_Sticky
07-10-2007, 01:31 AM
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:arrow Title: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: ELTAZ on March 13, 2006, 09:38:42 PM
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Okay, so I read the Time Outs sticky, and I understand why some are against them. And I read the Comfort Corner sticky, and I understand how that could be so totally awesome. But I can't quite get my brain wrapped all the way around it. Could you please help me?

I started doing Time Outs as a replacement for spankings. So, yes, it's a punishment. BUT it's also a time period for her to cool off, be distracted, regain herself, and realize I'm serious when I say no (ie: hitting me or a friend, etc. - really bad behavior). Sometimes I do have to threaten a Time Out if she won't listen to me and stop a behavior (ie: kicking me while I'm changing her diaper)... often the threat works and she'll stop the behavior, and sometimes it doesn't so we have to do the TO. After the TO, things are really good and it seems like it works very well. But I do agree with what is said in the Time Out sticky, so I'm wondering if maybe I should try to do a comfort corner.

The only thing about a Comfort Corner that would be different from my TO (as far as I can tell) is that the TO is currently her going to her room, and I lock the door so she can't come out - and we do that for 2 minutes, by which time she has normally calmed down. B/c the TO is in her room, she has all her toys, her blankie, her teddy bears, etc. Sometimes she'll just play after she throws a small fit, sometimes she doesn't throw a fit at all, sometimes she throws a fit for most of the time.

Anyways, if I were to do a Comfort Corner, how would I get my strong-willed spirited almost-3-y/o to actually stay in it? I don't mind if she just goes there to calm down and just for however long she needs to calm down... but knowing my kiddo, I can't imagine how I could get her to go to it willingly when she needs the break and to get her to stay in it while she throws an initial fit over the discipline.

Any thoughts to share with me? I could definitely use the wisdom.

Sometimes I do remove myself from the situation - and I tell her I'm taking "a break". I was telling her that I was taking a "time out", but DH pointed out that she was thinking that *I* had misbehaved and was being punished (which isn't what I want her thinking when I give myself a time out!). Also, DH suggested we do the TO in a more punitive place (the laundry room), so she realizes she's being punished. He doesn't "get" the comfort corner aspect of my TO's.

So... any advice?

Thanks in advance! And I'm so sorry to ask this, as I'm sure it's something you get A LOT!

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: Fern on March 13, 2006, 09:47:32 PM
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I don't have any very good advice, but I did want to share that I was SHOCKED the first time I told my dd to sit somewhere, and she did. My dd is very spirited and has a wild temper when she's very upset, but most of the time if we tell her to sit somewhere she will stay there -- she might cry but she does stay.

Also, I did find that if she is very upset I have to employ the "Bear Hug" technique. That actually works better for both of us than a time out (and we haven't come up with a formal comfort corner because she finds nothing comforting about being told to stay somewhere). It takes longer than the one minute per age time out rule, but we end it loving each other and I feel very compassionate toward her and she is calm, whereas sometimes time outs don't feel like that, especially if she is very angry. Or if I am.

We still do punitive time outs sometimes, like if she has stolen a toy, refuses to give it back, is asked to go cool down, and then throws the toy at one of her brothers on the way to her cool down. Then she goes to her room. But really, in most cases a quick cool down on the steps does the job. I'm sure someone else will have much better ideas for you.

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: DogwoodMama on March 14, 2006, 07:38:22 AM
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Why couldn't you sit in the comfort corner with your dd? If you are thinking about how to get her to *stay* there I'm not sure how it is much different than a TO.

Also, I'm curious why she is kicking you during a diaper change? Do you change her standing up or laying down? I used to have issues with my dd struggling with changes, but now that she gets to choose whether to stand up or lay down, and where to do it, etc. she doesn't fight it and is very cooperative. I'm just wondering if some of the battles you are experiencing could be dealt with in other ways... if my dd was fighting diaper changes, I wouldn't think about the CC, etc., more about, OK, what isn't working with how we are approaching this.

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: MarynMunchkins on March 14, 2006, 07:50:25 AM
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You go with them to the CC. Reading a book usually works to get mine to calm down. :)

When you make it a time and place that she can go and gain control of her emotions without fear of punishment, she'll want to go there. :) It will take a while, but eventually they choose to go on their own. :tu

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: palil on March 15, 2006, 11:38:27 PM
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I started doing Time Outs as a replacement for spankings. So, yes, it's a punishment. BUT it's also a time period for her to cool off, be distracted, regain herself, and realize I'm serious when I say no

My initial thought is that you're trying to mix 2 completely different mindframes. :think Punishment involves trying to "make a point", show her that you're serious, "teach her a lesson", etc. by offering an unpleasant experience in return for undesirable behavior--thus your dh's point about putting her in a less fun room. If you go that route, you'll have to up the ante (e.g. make the punishment more miserable) as many times as she does... plus one. (and if you have a very spirited youngster on your hands, that can get pretty extreme. :blush I've been there, done that)

The CC is more about teaching them a productive and proactive way to deal with their big feelings.. Think of it as "coaching" them and *comforting* them through the cascade of upset until they calm down enough to come back to the problem and handle it more constructively. It's not only about the moment at hand, but also about teaching them to identify and address their emotions before they project them onto other people or situations.

TBH, I had a really hard time making CC "work" for me for a long, long time. (I just recently re-instated one for my 4 and 2yo). I was coming from such an extremely punitive paradigm, and I couldn't seem to use it without making it a punishment or feeling it was ineffective. It helped me to just think in terms of helping my boys "take a break" from the upsetting situation by transferring them to a totally different activity (preferrably something soothing). They often refused and protested at first, but within a few minutes they were calmed down and we could communicate about whatever was causing a problem. :tu

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: ELTAZ on March 16, 2006, 12:15:09 AM
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Okay... so how would the comfort corner differ from this?:

When my dd is just out of control and I can tell that a big hug and some comforting will help her calm down, so I do that instead of punishing for the misbehavior. For example, I'll pick her up, give her a hug, go to the couch and rock with her, and in a calming voice say something like "I can tell that you're upset right now. [insert some other reflecting things] I'm right here for you. Calm down, it's okay." (or something along that line) And the breather really helps her know that I'm understanding her, and it helps her calm down and get a grip.

So, is that the same thing as a comfort corner, but the CC just allows her to do the self-calming?

P.S. You just never need to punish??? :think (This isn't the best example, but just one I could think of quickly) What if you NEED to change that diaper RIGHT now and you've been chasing her around for 10 minutes trying to get it done, and now you seriously do need to do it b/c you're going to be late to her dr appt, so you give her the choice of where to lay down (bedroom or living room), and she chooses, and you're in the middle of it and she's kicking you and wont' stop? I mean, a comfort corner wouldn't really work then, would it? She's doing the kicking and smiling b/c she knows it's "teasing" me. How would going to somewhere to cool down really work for that situation?

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: MarynMunchkins on March 16, 2006, 05:45:00 AM
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Yes, it's the same thing. In that case, you just choose to be the CC for her. ;) Which, frankly, is what I do almost all the time for my 2 yo.

In the diaper example, I'd put my feet on their shoulders and change their diaper. :shrug I'm bigger and diapers changes aren't negotiable. I'd make every effort to be as playful and goofy as possible to distract them, but the diaper would get changed. I don't need my kids to be happy and compliant abotu everything. ;) They can be as mad as they want - life still happens.

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: palil on March 16, 2006, 06:07:43 AM
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I'll pick her up, give her a hug, go to the couch and rock with her, and in a calming voice say something like "I can tell that you're upset right now. [insert some other reflecting things] I'm right here for you. Calm down, it's okay." (or something along that line) And the breather really helps her know that I'm understanding her, and it helps her calm down and get a grip.

That's the basic idea. :tu

So, is that the same thing as a comfort corner, but the CC just allows her to do the self-calming?

the CC doesn't *have* to be "self" calmimg. As has been mentioned, a lot of moms go there with their kids. :) But, yes, kids can start to identify it as a place they can safely go when they need to regroup, and learn to make it their own tool for calming down and such. ( just remembered... my FIL got upset about something this weekend and ds asked if he needed to go to the CC :giggle)

P.S. You just never need to punish???

Punishing assumes that kids have to suffer (by our hand) in order to learn. If it's possible to learn without suffering, then.... no, there is never a *need* to punish. There is always a different way to approach a situation... we just have to find the creativity, patience, and perspective that we need to pursue it. (and it took me a long time and many "but what about this?" posts to come to that conclusion, so I understand where you're coming from. :O :hug )

She's doing the kicking and smiling b/c she knows it's "teasing" me.

Is she being malicious, or just trying to play? What you described sounded like a (very familiar to me :shifty ) scenario where mom is rushing and maybe getting stressed and the child is feeling the tension and trying to release it by engaging mom in play--even if it's not an "approved" type of play. :neutral :lol The best ways I've found to deal with resistance to diaper changes (or turning every change into a game a chase) are:

Stay calm and matter-of-fact. Work as quickly as possible.
Change dipes while child is standing if possible--give them freedom where possible (like you mentioned with giving choices) but skip the choices if circumstances don't allow for it.
Talk cheerfully about something (anything) to keep their attention diverted
If you know you have a runner, have a hand on them before you announce your plan to change. :mrgreen
Like Mary said... just get it done. It's a fact of life. :shrug

Both of my older boys went through a stage where they didn't like to have dipes changed. :shrug It's very normal and won't last forever, although with some kids it is more intense. My oldest started taking his dirty dipes off and "running away" (crawling) when he was 7 months old! :jawdrop He has always been a runner... it took me a long time to learn that he is emotional VERY sensitive, extremely extroverted, and that he does those things to engage with people. Negative attention is better than no attention. Unfortunately, we treated it as a matter of discipline, let ourselves become frustrated/offended by it, punished ds, and it became a miserable, ongoing affair. :( With my 2nd ds, we just dealt with it calmly, did our best to distract him, and let the stage pass on by... and it did--very quickly. :)

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: DogwoodMama on March 16, 2006, 07:45:46 AM
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I agree- I would not add "punishment" to address resisting the diaper change. We had a period of time a couple of months ago where my dd REALLY fought diaper changes, and it was just driving me batty and really upset me- I called my dh in tears several times that week. The dynamic was we were "testing the waters" for potty-training, and she was ambivalent about it. She wanted to be naked and have "potty time" where she could sit on the potty but then she would get upset and ask for a diaper... and then right after she asked for a diaper she would literally FIGHT me to try to get it on her. I was really upset b/c I didn't actually *want* a diaper on it unless she wanted it- I didn't *want* to force a diaper on her, kwim? This went on for a few frustrating days until she decided to "take control" of the situation and developed an elaborate diaper-changing routine that included her wetting the wipes herself (we use cloth wipes), choosing whether to stand or lay down, or what diaper, etc. If I had "punished" her I would have likely deprived her of opportunity to take more control over diaper-changing, which is sort of our in-between step to potty training.

But if I had punished her, it would likely still be a battle going on today. There were a few times where I had to "make it happen," get a diaper on her against her will, but I basically did what Mary described above, just held her down and distracted her. But this didn't happen very often, honestly.

I wanted to add, I haven't started using a CC at all with my dd... she is so young (28 months) that I just pick her up and basically do what you do. But I will be interested to see how things change as we add a sibling and that dynamic to our family as she matures... she might come to appreciate a "place" where she can visit with me to regroup and deal with those big feelings she will likely have.

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Title: Re: Time Outs vs Comfort Corner vs. ?
Post by: ELTAZ on April 01, 2006, 11:56:43 PM
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I just wanted to thank you all for your comments. If I don't reply, it's probably b/c I'm cogitating!!!

I've been mulling this over in my head a lot lately. And I'm feeling like I have a better grasp on it. We haven't done a time-out in a week or so (knock on wood)... so I think I'm doing a better job of handling things. I have REALLY been reminding myself of this:

the child is feeling the tension and trying to release it by engaging mom in play--even if it's not an "approved" type of play.

That has really been helping me keep a perspective... though it doesn't always ease my stress!

I am working on Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline, and have bought some other fun books that have been recommended (Playful Parenting, Your 3 Year Old, etc., etc., etc.). So, I think they will help me fully grasp all of this gentle, non-punitive "stuff" I'm not wrapping my brain around yet.

Thank you all, so much!!

GCM_Sticky
07-10-2007, 01:32 AM
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:arrow Title: Question regarding comfort corner
Post by: kiloyd on December 30, 2005, 08:44:34 PM
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I just re-read some on the comfort corner sticky. I think I really need to do this for my 4 1/2 yr old. There are times when he is being obnoxious or is being too rough with DD (14 mo) and I say he needs to go to his room and he may come back when he is ready to be kind or stop yelling or whatever. He then insists (before going to his room) that he is ready.

I'm thinking that what I need to be doing is saying, lets cuddle for a minute. It is hard to not see that as rewarding bad behavior.

Do I need to get in the mindset of disciplineing myself to stop what I'm trying to do in order to help him through whatever he is having a tough time over? does that make sense?

Thanks

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Title: Re: Question regarding comfort corner
Post by: Heather Micaela on December 31, 2005, 03:02:15 AM
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Ok I may be a bit tired but I didn't quite get that last sentence.

Sending him to his room until he is ready to be kind still sounds punitve. IF you say instead, "It seems like you are playing really rough right now and dd is too little for that - maybe you need to (Insert acceptable wild activitiy here) for a while by yourself." "yelling is an outside noise - go outside if you want to yell."

If he is out of control then you can walk with him to the comfort corner rather than send him there. It is not rewarding the behavior. I am a grown-up who has anxiety/anger issues and after 7 1/2 yeares of marriage dh now knows yelling "get a grip" does me no good. But grabbing me, hugging me and allowing me to leave the situation does wonders. Then I can calm down and come back and handle it.

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Title: Re: Question regarding comfort corner
Post by: ArmsOfLove on December 31, 2005, 03:58:13 PM
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I'm thinking that what I need to be doing is saying, lets cuddle for a minute. It is hard to not see that as rewarding bad behavior.

Yeah, that's a hard one to get over. The thing is . . . if you are stopping the bad behavior, you're not rewarding it :)

Do I need to get in the mindset of disciplineing myself to stop what I'm trying to do in order to help him through whatever he is having a tough time over? does that make sense?

Yes--makes sense; and yes :)

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Title: Re: Question regarding comfort corner
Post by: kiloyd on January 01, 2006, 06:16:10 AM
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Thanks for your replies. It's so hard sometimes to get in a different mind set. I think, "I want to keep talking on the phone, I dont want to stop". I guess I need to realize he is still little and needs me to help him through things.

I will try and be aware of it this week and see how it goes. Guess it is from the old mindset about thinking he is acting bad so why should I be with him, when that is exactly what he needs.

Thanks

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:arrow Title: I've hit a snag...HELP!
Post by: staceysue22 on August 11, 2005, 03:16:50 PM
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I've only been using the comfort corner for about a week, my 2 yo loves it, and calms down pretty quickly, and stays there for awhile just looking at her books, or just kinda space's out for a few minutes. My 5 yo hasn't even needed to use it yet, but my 4 yo is a whole different story. She refuses to go. I pick her up, and tell her that its okay to be angry, but that she needs to take a little break and calm down a bit. When she gets to her little area, she throws all of her stuff out, hits me and yells and screams even more. What do I do? It takes every ounce of self control for me to not just start screaming back, and pick her up and shut her in her room for a few minutes. My 3 mo old ds really hates screaming, so when she starts, he gets upset and starts screaming too. Ugh! :banghead She also walks around glaring at everyone, and will scream at or hit anyone she thinks is looking at her. (only at home though) And if she is walking somewhere, and someone is in her way, instead of just walking around them, or saying excuse me, she starts kicking and yelling at whoever it is, to get out of her way.

DD really has a problem with hitting and name calling. How do I handle those little issues. I'd like to work on the hitting first, since it causes the most problems. Also, she's been having headaches and we went to the dr about it, and she thinks that maybe its allergies. (I've never even seen a hint of evidence that she has allergies, but I'm not a dr..what do I know?) So we are trying claritin syrup, and she goes back in 2 weeks to reevaluate.

My 5 yo. is also starting kindergarten in a week, and dd is upset that she isn't going to school also, so I think that her behavior also has something to do with that...combined with having a new little brother, I think maybe she's a little overwhelmed. I'd put her in pre-school, but we can't afford it, and I'm not sure she'd handle it too well, but it might do her some good to get away from us all and do her own thing KWIM? The only thing I know to do for sure, is to just tell her I love her every chance I get, and give hertons of hugs and kisses...which she just eats up.

I really need help, I am lost and clueless. :shrug

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Title: Re: I've hit a snag...HELP!
Post by: LauraK on August 12, 2005, 06:05:12 PM
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Have you tracked her diet, her behavior and the headaches? Maybe you will see a pattern? I thought Clariten was only for seasonal allergies? Is this new behavior?

Hope someone has some good advice for you. My oldest is 2.5 so I can't offer much. Hang in there.

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Title: Re: I've hit a snag...HELP!
Post by: iplsmama on August 12, 2005, 08:35:06 PM
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I'm going to say that "4" is a super hard age for emotions, or at least it has been for my girls. Maybe there is a hormone surge or something... that being said, I don't have a lot of great advice but just endure because she will grow out of it. You have listed several reasons for her to be going through a lot right now so I would do some serious feelings reflecting. Maybe try to spend some time one on one with her at other times. If the comfort corner doesn't work maybe her room is a better solution but go with her if possible. You have to make it clear to her and everyone around that you will protect her from hurting people and that may mean she has to be somewhere else. You can do that with compassion and empathy without being punitive. :hug2

Hope you get some great advice--it is such a hard time for her.

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Title: Re: I've hit a snag...HELP!
Post by: ArmsOfLove on August 15, 2005, 06:46:31 PM
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She does sound like my dd at 4--and especially when she had too much corn :( Traditional allergy testing may not reveal the problem so you might want to start a food journal and look for patterns to her behavior. With the Comfort Corner I think for how I'd say, "Hey, if you don't want to go to the CC then that's fine with me. But a choice to not go is a choice to get yourself under control without going. If you can't do that then you need to offer an alternative solution." IOW, make the CC optional, but not the getting herself under control.

I also found with my 4yo that two things were vitally important--playful parenting and pursuing her when she got all prickly. She was really asking me with her behavior, "Will you still love me even if I do THIS?" My answer had to be yes--while I set standards.

For the hitting I used "You hit, You sit" and I made a big emphasis on making amends. Look at these times as opportunities to teach social skills and relationship skills. She needs some extra guidance there :)

GCM_Sticky
07-10-2007, 01:52 AM
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Title: My toddler has given *herself* a comfort corner!
Post by: arwen_tiw on June 28, 2006, 04:04:21 AM
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And here was Mummy still protesting that we don't have the space to have a "proper" one. :laughtears

She has had this massive (really ratty looking) cardboard box in the corner for a little while now, since our friends had to come to stay and all the comic books got unpacked ;) - well she loved playing in it for a week or so and then for no good reason it stayed. Well I noticed the other day that she has started taking herself into her box and shutting the "doors" to get some alone time when she's sad or stressed out and isn't ready to come for cuddles yet. :giggle We have a comfort corner!

She uses it for naps too, she likes to drag all the blankets she can find inside it and make a nest. So it's her universal chill-out space. :-) Isn't that cool? Teaches me to stop saying that something isn't possible - even my two year old can work it out. :O


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Title: Re: My toddler has given *herself* a comfort corner!
Post by: kosmom on June 28, 2006, 06:32:24 AM
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:tu That is so cute! I remember when I was little and how cardboard boxes were just THE BOMB. My Kindergarten teacher had a huge one set up full of pillows and books and a light bulb hanging through the roof ( :shifty okay that would be a serious infraction with the fire marshal nowadays) but we LOVED it!! :think I wonder if she was really using it for those of us who just couldn't calm down...or as a stealthy "time-out" place. Anyway, we loved it.

I think it's so neat that your dd did that for herself! :highfive Kids are so smart. :heart


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Title: Re: My toddler has given *herself* a comfort corner!
Post by: Danette on June 28, 2006, 06:50:09 AM
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That is really cute.... you need to take a picture of it. :tu


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Title: Re: My toddler has given *herself* a comfort corner!
Post by: kazoo on June 28, 2006, 07:59:20 AM
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Hey, I just noticed yesterday that my DS, almost 3, made his own comfort corner as well! I'd noticed it before, but yesterday it was very obvious. He was upset about something and ran to the space that's between the couch and big chair. Stayed in there for a few mins, and then came out and was OK. It made me happy that he is developing good coping skills. That is a space that we have sometimes made into a fort for him and had fun with, so it definitely has a positive connotation. At first I was going to go after him, and then it dawned on me that he *wanted* to be by himself in there for a little bit. So I did something nearby and waited until he came out to give him hugs and go on to the next thing. We've never talked about comfort corner or anything like that, so I thought it was awesome to see that he would do this own his own, like your dd also did. :clap


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Title: Re: My toddler has given *herself* a comfort corner!
Post by: arwen_tiw on June 28, 2006, 09:35:09 AM
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It's funny how they seem to instinctively come out with the same things that take us months of learning and reading to find out. :giggle I love that she knows when she wants space and marks out her territory like that - I tried to go in there to talk to her after I shouted earlier and she said, "No Mumma, door close! Door close!" I had to wait to apologise until she was done calming down, silly me for not taking the hint eh?

I love cardboard boxes, they're amongst the best best toys. I remember when I was little we had a new fridge and the massive box it came in stayed out in the garden for nearly two weeks of our summer holidays until it got rained on. :mrgreen

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Title: at what age do you use a comfort corner?
Post by: joyful mama on September 02, 2005, 08:50:15 PM
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is my dd, at 20 months, too young to understand this? I've tried it a couple of times, but she doesn't want to stay there... do I make her stay there, or is she supposed to of her own will?

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Title: Re: at what age do you use a comfort corner?
Post by: milkmommy on September 02, 2005, 08:54:57 PM
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It wasn't untill after two that a "real" comfort "corner" was used, we use a little toddler couch but before trying to get her to stay was too much. So we'd have comfort rooms :giggle meanning her bedroom she did better if she could really move her big feeling out, now shes older and does fine with a smaller space.

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Title: Re: at what age do you use a comfort corner?
Post by: sadie on September 02, 2005, 08:57:48 PM
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Well, it's not supposed to be a forced thing unless they are totally out of control and hurting themselves or others. :shrug Ideally, it should be a comforting and calming place to go when they need to 'get away'...so I personally would not force a child to go there, or determine how long she has to stay, etc. It's not a time out. It should be a tool that is in 'her control,' KWIM? So that she can get familiar with recognizing her own moods and limits and go there to calm down herself someday. :)

I think, at 20 mo, that it is appropriate to offer to go there with her to cuddle when she is upset or acting out. Also, I would just go there frequently with her to do pleasant and quiet play, so that she starts to associate it with love and nurturing, and is willing to go there to calm down when she is upset. She is too young right now to really get it and start owning it as her own tool to self-discipline, but you can lay the foundation for her by introducing it as a safe place. :heart

ETA, Deanna, good point. :tu At younger ages, children usually need more space than a corner provides to get their feelings out. :)

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Title: Re: at what age do you use a comfort corner?
Post by: joyful mama on September 03, 2005, 10:05:31 AM
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Makes sense... fortunately, she gets over her frustrations pretty quickly (most of the time) and cuddles in the glider or my bed works... I thought maybe she was too young to really 'get it', but wasn't sure.. guess it also depends on the child... hmmmm :shrug. I learn something new everyday!!

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Title: Re: at what age do you use a comfort corner?
Post by: milkmommy on September 03, 2005, 10:13:59 AM
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She'll "get it" at an age appropiate level. :) She might get that this is where mommy and I come to make me feel better... and thats a great step. An older child can eventually learn to stop them selfs and find the corner them selfs. Mine does this I haven't had to "tell" her to use the comfort corner in months she just goes when she's sad. We've recently been able to dialouge more also after.. Honestly its gets better and better.

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:arrow using the comfort corner for dd with special needs
Post by: krista1966 05-11-2005 04:14 PM
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I am trying the comfort corner with my daughter who has special needs. Would you recommend any thing to be done differently with a special needs children?
thanks
Krista

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ArmsOfLove 05-11-2005 04:39 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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Only that you will probably need to be willing to go with her more and make sure that she is calming down--help facilitate it more.

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krista1966 05-11-2005 04:42 PM
Re: The Five Steps
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thanks for the quick response Crystal. I will start doing that more part more.
thanks again
Krista

GCM_Sticky
07-10-2007, 02:21 AM
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:arrow Title: Speaking of "Cuddle Corner"
Post by: godsgracegiven on March 24, 2005, 07:55:32 PM
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Please forgive me if this has been talked about already. I miss so much sometimes, just when I get caught up, something happens and then I am behind again. :O :O Any ways, how do you pharse to your child that they need a break? I need help with pharses lately, I dunno why. :shrug

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Title: Re: Speaking of "Cuddle Corner"
Post by: Quietspirit on March 25, 2005, 06:45:06 AM
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It depends on the age of my child. For my 7-10 year olds, I say something like "Your behavior is showing me that you need a break alone. Please go to your room to get yourself together." For my 5 year old I say "You need a cool-down. Are you going to your room by yourself or do you need my help?" Or "You need some cool-down time. Do you want Mommy to hold you on my lap or do you want to sit quietly on the couch by yourself?" It depends on what has happened where he needs to go.

For a toddler, "You are overwhelmed. Let Mommy cuddle you here."

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Title: Re: Speaking of "Cuddle Corner"
Post by: blessed2mothr4 on March 25, 2005, 06:47:22 AM
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I often says "Sounds like you need some cuddles" or "I think you need some cuddle time' (bascially the same thing... :) )

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Title: Re: Speaking of "Cuddle Corner"
Post by: ArmsOfLove on March 25, 2005, 11:04:24 AM
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for my older children I just tell them, "You need to take a break. You are (what they're doing) and that tells me you need time alone/a chance to stop your body/some cuddles from mommy/whatever depending on the child"