Parenting the neighborhood children?

[JavaMama]

Eek.. I'm SO not the mom for this. :shifty Anyway, my 6yo and 4yo are only allowed to play in our yard, however there are neighborhood children ages 6-8yo who have been playing in the street and playing unattended- they essentially have run of two blocks (and it was the same way last year when they were a year younger :(). In fact, some of these kids, I only recently figured out where the one boy lives because the he is biracial and I've only seen one african american parent in the neighborhood. :doh

Anyway, in the past those children played in other yards but now that my kids are outside nearly all day, off and on, the other children are ending up in our yard to play. Most of these kids are a bit bigger so of course my kids tend to idolize them a bit and these kids are also more prone to doing things I don't like because they think no one is watching. Yesterday, two of the boys were egging ds on and then coming to knock on the door and tattle on him. :mad I ended up spying out the door and figuring out what was going on, but really. :sigh I don't want to parent these other kids, but I guess I'm going to have to either do that or send them away. Yesterday worked itself out because one boy ended up spotting me and they went somewhere else to play.

This feels awkward to me, because it's not like my dear AP friend who has a nearly identicle parenting philosophy, these are parents I know only by sight. I hope you guys aren't going to tell me to go meet the parents, I think I should but I keep wimping out. :shifty

[Rabbit]

I hope you guys aren't going to tell me to go meet the parents, I think I should but I keep wimping out. :shifty

:grin

[JavaMama]

I hope you guys aren't going to tell me to go meet the parents, I think I should but I keep wimping out. :shifty

:grin


Doggonit Natalie! :P~

[hey mommy]

Yep, agreeing w/Natalie.. :)

I wish I had that problem. The neighborhood kids here don't play together in the neighborhood. Well, the older ones do(10+) but none of the other kids do.. And the parents never meet out in the street to watch the kids play.. That would be really nice..

[Katherine]

We have nearly identical situation here... same ages, etc.

I have met the guardians of the 2 boys who come the most often, so that helps. :)

But even aside from that, I have simply had to gain confidence in the fact that this is MY house, and I can and will enforce my boundaries and expectations where it pertains to my property and children. I have asked the boys not to bring certain toys. I have sent them home when it was not a good time. I have made them stop playing a certain way. I have refused to take responsibility for things they wanted me to do. I have said, "My boys are doing X. It's quiet activity time, and you may do X with them, but you may not do other things right now." I have brought them all in and made them sit around the table with playdoh b/c they were getting too rough. I have asked them to sit down and draw a picture for another child they've hurt. I don't punish or time out them at all--if a situation is beyond my comfort level, I send them away. That is the firmest and most effective boundary I can set. I have been kind at times, firm at times, and frustrated at times. :shrug I'm pretty real with them.

I still sort of feel like something needs to change b/c they just "show up" here at will on a daily basis. dh doesn't like them getting our mail. I don't like them walking into our home unannounced or ringing the doorbell during naptime. And these are issues I will address going forward. ;) The other boys moved away for about 8 months and just came back, so they're (the others and mine) all really happy and excited to be together again.

I know it's a little overwhelming, and I sometimes find myself planning ways to avoid them. :O But I just remind myself that kids having friends is part of the parenting experience. I need to guide, help, direct, and limit in a way that teaches. :)

[Godiva Girl]

Our house is the neighborhood hub and although it's hard, I prefer it. Just like the OP said... If it's not a good day, send them home.

Ultimately, I think the Lord would have us nurture them and pour into them when we can... and then send them home. If they are going to be children your kids are interacting with on a regular basis, you want to have a relationship with them. That's the only way you can speak into a situation that gets touchy. I've been able to defuse situations because of the relationship. At your house, you can have your finger on the pulse. Sometimes I think, "Why don't they raise their own children?"... but that's my selfish response, not the Lord's. I'll call a parent if I need to, but usually I handle the situation myself.

Getting to know the parents is nice, but quite frankly I had a mother say to me, "Why would I want my kids to come home if I knew they could be playing somewhere else." :hunh

We are truly a fatherless nation... :(

[The Tickle Momster]

:popcorn because I struggle with being a neighborhood parent too. The neighbor girls are 6 & 8, our kiddos are 4 and 5 and 2. Some days it seems like the only time the others are out is when I'm out with our kids. It is a quiet cul de sac, but mom is rarely outside with the girls. I'm starting to feel used. When things start to sound like they are going a weird direction I take my kids to the back yard and make the excuse that I need to start dinner.

I know I need to work on building relationships with these girls, but I'm not very good at it.

[JavaMama]

It's funny... since I posted, other kids are hardly coming around, except the 2-3 year from next door and I know his grandparents. In fact, the neighborhood has been really quiet the last week or so. :scratch Eventually I'll make my way down the street to the one house where I think some of the kids come from and try to meet the parents. ;)

THanks for the help/commiseration!

[JavaMama]

Ha, last post musta jinxed me. :giggle Last night we had eight kids in and out of the house/yard but it went pretty well (especially considering that I had baked a cheesecake for MIL's birthday and we had some family over, once the company arrived we sent the kids back outside). I think I've met all the parents but two sets but my neighbor across the street knows everyone so that helps.

And we hosted our first sleepover last night, the boy across the street spent the night. It was interesting, it went well, I just didn't really expect to start this sort of thing so soon. :kiss I'm going to start another thread about co-ed sleepovers if anyone wants to come throw in their :twocents

[4monkeysmama]

Coming in late to the party, but here goes :)
We have a couple of boys who constantly come over, and my kids are only allowed to play in the yard as well. My personal rule is that they are to go by our house rules at our house, and they usually comply willingly. Sometimes they don't want to play nicely and they do go home (they're each 5 and allowed to do whatever they want in the neighborhood; I don't really get it but that's another post)
My parents are quite punitive and they watched our children for a few days this summer. It took a couple of weeks for M&N to come over, but they did, eventually. I am torn between trying to be a minister to them, as they're the kids of families who are really just not very attentive, and feeling frustrated that they're always here. I try to always give the kids time to play together and offer that constructive attention that they need, as long as we don't have to physically be somewhere else. I tend to bump up lunch an hour or so due to this, because it seems they're always here right about the time I'm getting ready to make lunch and pack it all in :)

[Katherine]

Ultimately, I think the Lord would have us nurture them and pour into them when we can... and then send them home. If they are going to be children your kids are interacting with on a regular basis, you want to have a relationship with them. That's the only way you can speak into a situation that gets touchy. I've been able to defuse situations because of the relationship. At your house, you can have your finger on the pulse. Sometimes I think, "Why don't they raise their own children?"... but that's my selfish response, not the Lord's. I'll call a parent if I need to, but usually I handle the situation myself.

There are some really wonderful points in this, such as needing to have real relationships with the kids our children are friends with :yes
There are also some ideas--or maybe implications--that give me pause. :think

I think if the Lord lays in on your heart to nurture or minister to a particular child/family or to your community at large via hospitality and and open home, that's great. :rockon :heart I believe that He will equip and inspire those whom He has called to minister in this capacity.

I don't think that feeding and/or supervising every child who happens to pop into my home, or having an open-door policy is the obligation of all Christian families, or even necessarily a "Christian" thing to do. :shrug Yes, it can be a calling or a tool for ministering to others... or it can be just a life-style choice. :shrug It can be a generous act for some families, and an unhealthy or problematic choice for others.

My highest responsibility is to my own family. If I see that having other kids here a lot is causing anxiety for my "shy/sensitive" child, or over-stimulation for my oldest child... If they are picking up unsavory words/habits/attitudes from the kids who are coming here (I can only supervise so much when there are 7 or 8 kids running around)... If dh or I simply need a little more quiet/space.... if having frequent unannounced visits from kids who want to play is interrupting the flow of our days or distracting my kids from other things they need to do.... (insert any number of other problems) then I need to set boundaries to keep myself and my family as healthy as possible. I am *more* responsible to identify these problems in my own family and address them than I am to host all the kids on our street.

Maybe I'm reacting a little bit to the idea that *not* wanting to raise other people's kids is a "selfish" response... :scratch :/ Maybe my feeling is a reflection of the fact that I was raised to give and serve and sacrifice for others in the name of Christianity *well* past the point of compromising my own well-being and without balancing that compassion with clear boundaries... and I've seen how destructive and unhealthy a mindset that can be.... :(

I've learned through some very painful experience that you can't effectively *give* to others from a place of unhealthiness and imbalance... sometimes in order to *have* that balance you have to spend resources on yourself (Or your family) instead of others. (and even typing that statement, it "sounds" selfish to me, b/c I was NOT raised to think way). I think that situations with neighborhood families are just like relationships in other circles... They must be governed by love -and- boundaries.... that we should love our neighbor as ourselves -- meaning that we keep ourselves healthy AND we give healthy things to others from that position of health and balance. :)

Maybe I'm saying exactly what you meant ;), or maybe not. In either case I hope I haven't offended. :hug2 This has been in the back of my mind ever since I read it, and I finally sort of put my finger on what was bothering me about it. :O

[JavaMama]

This has been in the back of my mind ever since I read it, and I finally sort of put my finger on what was bothering me about it. :O


I'm still mulling over exactly how much is okay for our family and such. Sometimes I do just send everyone but my toddler outside or I just tell my kids it's time to come and play quietly, or if there are any neighborhood kids in the house, I'll send them home.

I have my limits since I'm a bit of an introvert IRL- and since dh is working a lot and I'm the solo parent for about 12-14 hours a day, sometimes more... on some days just dealing with my own PMS and children is as much as I can handle. :P~