Need some advice and maybe a book recommendation- DS's perfectionism

[Sarai]

DS has just turned 4, but I've noticed the perfectionist traits since he was about 2. He wants to do things the right way the FIRST time or not at all. Looking back, I think his difficulty w/potty learning was because he had accidents- he decided he'd rather wear a pullup that risk an accident, even though there was absolutely no pressure from me (he's pottylearned now ;)).

Yesterday we visited our new family practitioner, and I could tell DS was nervous. When she asked him a question, he'd yell the response back (not typical for him). We had talked before and I'd explained that we'd be meeting a new doctor, etc., but of course he was still nervous around someone new. When we left, I asked him gently if he was nervous while talking w/the doctor, and he looked sad and said "yes".I asked if that was why he yelled (keep in mind I was truly asking in a gentle, loving tone, not scolding). I hugged & comforted him and told him it was OK; we talked about times I'd been nervous; etc. I praised him for standing on the scale when asked (something he doesn't always do) and for opening up wide to say "aaaah" (another problem occasionally). He replied "I didn't do good- I yelled". :(

How can I encourage him? Are there any books that might help on this subject? I feel bad for my little guy- he's putting too much pressure on himself for a 4 year old!!

[Praise]

:popcorn

My dd is 2 and a half and shows those same signs of perfectionism. (Which I also suspect is why she won't wear underwear--had two accidents when she had diarrhea.) The first time she was ever put to bed by someone other than myself, was about a month ago. My mom told me and dh that it went great. She cried for about 30 seconds, then lay quietly next to my mom while my mom sang songs. However, when we asked my dd how it went in the morning, she said: "Not good." So we asked her why and she said: "I cried, but didn't scream." She also thinks that crying equals some sort of failure, even though I *think* we've been trying to do everything we can to make crying be a normal part of every day life.

Needless to say, I'm interested in what others have to say too.

[Marsha]

me too

[allisonintx]

My 10yo is like this and I'm :popcorn because I've never figured out how to help him really deal with it well.

[Sarai]

bumpity-bump....

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? :P~

[KatieMae]

I wish I had a suggestion, but I just wanted to get some :popcorn too. DH & I both have very strong perfectionist traits & Lucas is such a little clone of us. Besides that he's also HIGHLY focused and those two combined are enough to tell me that I need to figure this out if we're going to be successful in homeschooling.

[lavender mom]

Many years ago when I was teaching, I ended up with a class full of 7 year old perfectionists. It was tough! (Especially since I have perfectionist tendencies myself!) I ended up meeting with the psychologist who was working with one of my students and she gave me some fantastic ideas. Unfortunately, at the moment, I can only remember 2 of them!

* Emphasize the process over the product. Example: Instead of: Your picture is really pretty. Say: You worked really hard on your picture. That way you're helping the child learn to find value in the work they've done to accomplish something rather than the quality of the final product. If we learn that the process has value too, then it's not a huge disaster when the final product is less than perfect.

* Praise mistakes. The year that I had the class full of perfectionists we instituted the "rule" that "everyone has to make at least 5 mistakes every day so that I would know they were learning." We all giggled about what a silly idea that was, but at the same time, I think it really showed the students just how important mistakes can be. We talked a lot about how we learn from our mistakes and that if you don't make mistakes you can't learn.

That's all I can remember at the moment. If any of the other suggestions come back to me, I'll post them.

[Marsha]

* Emphasize the process over the product. Example: Instead of: Your picture is really pretty. Say: You worked really hard on your picture. That way you're helping the child learn to find value in the work they've done to accomplish something rather than the quality of the final product. If we learn that the process has value too, then it's not a huge disaster when the final product is less than perfect.





That's an excellent idea! I wonder if I'll remember that.
I also read somewehre that children who were told they were smart got much more frustarted when something was the slightest bit difficult; whereas children who were told they were hard workers would buckle down and plow through it.
That made sense to me, because my whole life I was "smart". As a result, I never learned how to learn. The few college courses I did take were an eyeopener for me LOL. I had to get over the "oh I'm smart, so I should know all of this already" mentality.

[Sarai]

lavender mom, thanks! That is very insightful. :yes

Anymore suggestions out there? :popcorn

[schmamy]

well, I can't speak to helping your kids overcome perfectionism, but I can recommend a couple of books that have helped ME with perfectionism...not to say I don't still struggle, but these truth-filled and grace-saturated books have been good for me to read. it's at root a pride issue, so these really hit home for me:

When People are Big and God is Small - Ed Welch
The Cross Centered Life - CJ Mahaney
Humility - CJ Mahaney

maybe you can glean some good stuff from one or more of these that you can somehow apply to your kids...HTH!

[mle]

I find it helps me and our DC when anyone makes a mistake or isn't just perfect to take deep breaths and say "only Jesus is perfect" or "everyone makes mistakes" or both :heart

:nak2

[Marsha]

YOu can read "The Highly Sensitive Person" and "The Highly Sensitive Child". This is a trait of hsp and hsc's.
Here's a link for further reading.
http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1Feb05.htm

[Sarai]

YOu can read "The Highly Sensitive Person" and "The Highly Sensitive Child". This is a trait of hsp and hsc's.
Here's a link for further reading.
http://www.hsperson.com/pages/1Feb05.htm

Wow..thank you SO much for posting that link! I was only able to skim it quickly (am coming back later), but found myself nodding "yes, yes" at everything! I've always known I was sensitive....I'm quite sure DS is as well.

Thanks so much!

[Rea T]

I’m reading the posts and links with interest as ds #1 seems to have a lot of perfectionist tendencies. Not surprising, he is my carbon copy in so many ways. Because he also has some developmental delays the difficulty I have is in sorting out what things are the result of “can’t do it”, what are the result of “don’t want to do it just because I am 5 and feel like being independent” and what are the result of “don’t want to do it because I’m afraid I won’t do it right”. He is finally beginning to be able to express enough in words so that I can figure out the difference.

[jewelmcjem]

I don't know how much it would help, but my perfectionist daughter (8) is fascinated with "famous mistakes". I think it gives her hope that mistakes don't have to be a bad think. If you think about it, lots of inventions were actually mistakes on the way to trying to invent something else. The only one I can think of right now is Lifesavers, but I know there are many. Here's a book about them: [ulr=http://www.amazon.com/Mistakes-that-Worked-Charlotte-Jones/dp/0385320434]Mistakes That Worked[/url]