how do I convince my DH to downsize?

[3PeasInAPod]

We're moving from our 4 bedroom - 1700sq ft house, to a 2 bedroom townhouse (Dh is transferring soon & we're selling our house). Anyhow - In order for it to work, we need to get rid of some things...
Most of which DH wants to keep... I don't know what he's thinking,but he wants to keep everything & try to make it work :rolleyes2
For instance, he has a nice 100gallon fish tank,with a nice oak stand that has been sitting empty in our house for over a year. Then we have an elyptical machine that we've used a handful of times, a huge extra tv he uses maybe 1x a month for video glame playing, and old rusted out vintage motorcycle that he wants to restore (yet we've had it for 3 years sitting in our shed), all these computer books -TONS of computer books & manuals that I know are outdated & he's never used once in the 4 yrs we've been married.. Ugh :phew
I downsize my things all the time to de-clutter, so must of the things that are left are more "his" stuff.

I've tried so many different ways to explain this to him about if we don't use something in 3 years, why do we keep hauling it around from one duty station to the next?

Anyone have some tactful, yet peaceful suggestions to try? He's been getting annoyed with mine. :/

[mom2threegirls]

Oh goodness, if anyone has the answer to this I would love to know it too! :yes :popcorn

It has helped me SOME to talk to DH about how much the square footage of our house costs per dollar (like real estate agents do- such and such house is $200/square foot versus the other is $180/square foot, KWIM?) and how we are essentially wasting all of this space with junk and how that all adds up in $$$ of wasted space in our house. :shrug It's a logical way for it to make sense to him. Also, I weed through his stuff for him. If it's something that is junk (3 year old catalogs, 5 year old magazines, etc.) that I KNOW isn't a problem but he may have a hard time tossing it, I toss it for him and he's never asked :shrug :shifty. If it's something I would REALLY love to have gone that he may have an attachment to I wait for a good time and then bring it up- "Hey, honey, you know those computer books for your certification that you got 5 years ago? Were you planning on reading them again?". If the answer is no then they go. Totally out of date computer stuff/manuals/books go away when they become useless :shrug. The smaller stuff he wants to keep that is junk goes in his closet and he knows it's time to get rid of stuff when he has a hard time finding his clothes :giggle.

We had a 30 gallon tank that we gave to someone else several years ago when DH got sick of taking care of it ;). I remember how that thing bugged me and it was less than a third the size of the empty one your DH has! :hunh Is there someone you guys know that your DH would considering giving it to? Gosh our DH's sound similar in their interests and "stuff"! My DH has a motorcycle too, but it is working (but it still bugs me because it takes up most of the shed!).

It's tough, isn't it? Is there at least a garage on your townhouse for his stuff? We have a 2 car garage that is DH's domain and he can't use it for woodworking and tinkering and all the other things he wants to use it for if it is filled with all his stuff :shifty :lol.

[J3K]

I didn't read the responses...

Money. Tell him he can get a ton of money for those things.

Ask him to donate those things that are out of date. (Like the computer books)

[Ali]

My DH likes to keep all manner of random things too.  I've been able to talk him out of a few things by asking him directly *when* exactly in the future is he going to use it?  If it's books/documents, I ask if he can find the same info on the internet - if so, we don't need to keep a library of old text books.  Some stuff, I know he won't miss and I go ahead and toss it when he's not around :shifty and he's yet to ask about anything I've tossed.  I'm very conservative when I try to consider what he might miss and what I know he won't.  

I've had to count on divine intervention to get rid of some stuff.  DH accidentally left a few boxes of his old textbooks and random useless things out in the rain, never dried them off so they molded.  He even tried to keep it then, but I told him about breathing mold being dangerous, so we tossed most of it and cleaned a few things that we could.  

Our last move, there were three boxes of books, army manuals etc that sat unopened for 2 years.  When I told DH he hasn't even opened the boxes in 2 years and never needed anything out of them, he almost let me just throw them out.  We went ahead and went through them and he kept about half of it and took it to work, promising it won't be in our next move.  

And I tell him how someone else could be really enjoying X, while we just have it gathering dust for who knows how long. And if we do decide we need X in the future, we can always find another then. Things like aquariums and bikes are in the classifieds all the time. ;)

Our next move will be from a 3 bedroom house with an attic and garage to probably a 2-3 bedroom apartment. That's going to be hard and I'm already thinking about what we can downsize. It's tough!

I'm :popcorn for more!

[3PeasInAPod]

oh I love the idea of tossing the things he won't even miss or think about (like the old manuals) :giggle although..he does have a sharp memory,so I hope that doesn't backfire on me :/ Maybe I'll just toss a few.

And J3K - I have explained the $ issue,which is more than enough reason for me..but he doesn't budge on that one :doh He thinks it's valuable stuff that he doesn't want to have to buy again...
which ALI - that is good about certain things always being up for sale in newspapers & we can always look into getting another "whatever" in the future - I think that would work the best on him. Thanks.

I'm going to go thru my closets again & show him how I'm giving up stuff too that I don't use, so it's not all about him...

This thing with the old motorcycle though really bugs me b/c he was going to restore it 2yrs ago,but said our garage wasn't big enough..then we bought this house that only has a carport & he said he could do it under that..then changed his mind & now says..well our townhouse will have a garage & I'll do it in there (but it's the same size as our first garage)..ugh. I just want to sell it to someone who will actually restore it in a reasonable amount of time.

[J3K]

Personally .... as "right" as he may be...if my hubby threw things away that I insisted on keeping , I'd feel violated. I would encourage you not to throw away your hubby's things. that could create more strife in a marriage then keeping some old things would.

I usually pile the things that I need dh to get rid of in a corner and ask him to sift thru it before I take it to Goodwill. Sometimes the whole pile is put away , other times , the whole pile goes to Goodwill. Would that work ?

[Havilah]

Personally .... as "right" as he may be...if my hubby threw things away that I insisted on keeping , I'd feel violated. I would encourage you not to throw away your hubby's things. that could create more strife in a marriage then keeping some old things would.


I agree. That seems awfully disrespectful.

My DH also responds fairly well to a pile of stuff to sort through. My aunt and uncle agree to a deadline, and if the pile hasn't been sorted and put away by xx date then my aunt has license to trash it. It's a mutual agreement, though.

My FIL is hopelessly attached to all sorts of bulky and useless stuff. I know my MIL really feels you pain! I'm paranoid that DH will grow more like him as he grows older, even though he insists that he won't. Perhaps I should get a signed document. :giggle

Maybe if you actually cut out classifieds of aquariums... or bookmark Craigslist offerings... he'll come around on that one. That'd be awesome even if it were your only victory! :tu

[Ali]

Ok, I most definitely need to explain better throwing my DH's stuff away with out him. :shifty I am really really careful when I do that. I know him pretty well after all these years. :) I wouldn't toss anything that mattered to him, even if everyone else in the world would call it junk. :heart

There are things that he has, just because he hasn't gotten around to going through them and I know he never will - just not any sort of priority to him ever. He just wouldn't care if we moved unopened boxes of stuff from home to home until we're in our 90's. For example, he's not sentimental at all about clothes, but he will continue to wash and use really old socks, t-shirts etc. If he buys more, he just crams the new in with the old. If I am doing laundry, I will often toss the old ones into the rag box as I fold. I imagine there are some DH's who would be upset by that, but I just know mine is not. He honestly doesn't even notice. That idea applies to very few things and maybe very few DH's, so I maybe shouldn't have even suggested it. I guess you could ask you DH in advance about certain things like "Can I go through all your toiletries/medication and get rid of the stuff that's expired?" (another thing I just do without asking that he never notices) to see if he doesn't mind you doing something regularily without him being there. I wouldn't want my DH to throw my old socks away for me, but he knows how I am with my clothes, so we've got eachother in mind. :couple

I am not at all suggesting the OP get rid of the fish tank when her DH is not home. I'd try to come to some agreement or compromise on things like that. I would not go through and toss anything remotely sentimental or anything I had an inkling might be important to him. That's what I meant when I said: Some stuff, I know he won't miss and I go ahead and toss it when he's not around and he's yet to ask about anything I've tossed. I'm very conservative when I try to consider what he might miss and what I know he won't.

HTH to clarify! :O

[3PeasInAPod]

Personally .... as "right" as he may be...if my hubby threw things away that I insisted on keeping , I'd feel violated. I would encourage you not to throw away your hubby's things. that could create more strife in a marriage then keeping some old things would.

I usually pile the things that I need dh to get rid of in a corner and ask him to sift thru it before I take it to Goodwill. Sometimes the whole pile is put away , other times , the whole pile goes to Goodwill. Would that work ?


yeah, I can do that! :-) I wasn't planning on throwing out major things or something I know he would be upset about. I think we'll go thru each room together, as we're trying to fix up the place together to sell it. I told him tonight a few things talked about here on the thread & he agreed,like the fish tank, that we can always get another one in the future & we can sell it for at least $250 bucks! He was fine with that :phew

[SouthPaw]

yeah, definitely show him on craigslist that if you can sell it for this much, you will get that cash now and then it will cost about that much to buy again in the future if he ever wants it again, so no money lost.

my DH makes me throw things away :shifty i'm the hoarder :O it is REALLY hard for me to get rid of stuff but i honestly can't think of anything i really miss right now, except for some stuffed animals from my childhood i put in a trash bag to store once and someone accidentally threw away. and a couple of psych textbooks that in retrospect i should have kept, they're pretty 'spensive.

[BHope]

Like Katherine, I tend to be the one in our family that hoards things. I have four boxes of stuff in the garage that have moved with us FIVE times and left unopened. College text books, jewelery from when I was a kid, stuffed animals. I did so much better this last move, but still have room for purging.

It helps me to know that I have X amount of room for Y amount of stuff. So I will weedle down until I get there. I really am changing, and actually am enjoying living with less stuff. But it's still hard for me to get rid of a perfectly good "whatchamacallit" because one day I'm CERTAIN I'll need it again.

One thing I would suggest is making HIM accountable for sorting and unpacking the items he insists on bringing. He may decide after a day and a half of sorting and packing that he's ready to start getting rid of un-necessaries.

[mom2threePKs]

Investigate what a small storage unit would cost. Maybe if he realized that it would cost him additional $$$$$ to keep his stuff he'd be willing to get rid of the big stuff.

[J3K]

HTH to clarify!

:tu