DH and I are having a bit of a conflict WRT our routines... I need ideas

[Punkie]

:think I need help solving this problem, and I'm at a loss.

My normal routine is that I do my cleaning in the morning. My house is all pretty by lunch time, and then we play outside or run errands. After that I make dinner while the kids play and dh comes home. Then I have classes at night 2 nights a week (exercise classes), and the other nights we just chill. I don't like cleaning at night though. I like cleaning when I feel the most energetic - mid morning.

DH, OTOH, seems to be feeling... I don't know what, but something non positive... about the fact that his time at home is the least clean time in the home. It is not yucky or anything, but it is not as good as it is during the late morning/early afternoon. Also, I often start my projects (most of them having to do with decluttering and unpacking boxes) after I finish my cleaning, and so he sometimes sees those partially done.

So basically I function best if the house is the cleanest during the day, and I really don't care too much if there's a few dishes in the sink at night. I'd much rather do them in the morning. DH would feel more calm in the home if he was around during the more-perfectly-clean times. I really don't want to change my schedule though. After I get back from my classes, I am ready to relax and read or watch American Idol :P

Anyone had anything similar in their house? This really stinks :think

[Irene]

yeah. thats how I am. I would rather clean in the morning when I feel better, but then its messy again by the time he gets home, and of course there is the making dinner mess on top of that. If I cleaned in the morning, I also felt I was cleaning the entire day after myself :/

I have changed my routine. And, its a bonus because my dh is happier when he gets home ;) I now do work stuff/crafts/schooling etc in the morning when I feel more energetic ;) and those things make messes. So, after lunch and quiet time, I will do my cleaning. I will try to get dinner done and while its cooking, clean up most of the mess (if I can, depending on what Im making).

so, its working out :) I have also found in the afternoon, I only spend an hour a day cleaning, spending the rest of the day doing stuff I want to. It just seemed when I cleaned in the morning I would stress out at every mess all day and I wasted a lot of time :shifty whereas, I do try to pick up as I go, but I dont stress about little messes here and there because I know I will get to it at 4:00 :)

[righteous mama]

Um. I don't think he'd want to hear my response. I would tell dh to do the dishes if he was so bugged by it. :shifty

[Irene]

Um. I don't think he'd want to hear my response. I would tell dh to do the dishes if he was so bugged by it. :shifty
yeah, that was my first response :blush my dh does help ALOT around the house, so I cant complain. but I also know he needs a clean house to come home too, and I can appreciate that :)

[Punkie]

Um. I don't think he'd want to hear my response. I would tell dh to do the dishes if he was so bugged by it. :shifty
yeah, that was my first response :blush my dh does help ALOT around the house, so I cant complain. but I also know he needs a clean house to come home too, and I can appreciate that :)


Yeah, same here :lol That was definitely my first response. As a matter of fact, dh did the dishes last night because of that response :P He very rarely does dishes.

We actually talked about how much he hates it when I tell him the lawn needs to be mowed, and how it is probably something similar :P Even though I'd rather keep things my way, I can understand that the same way that a clean house during the day blesses me, a freshly cleaned house at night could bless our family as well. We both agreed that its all a matter of expectations. My mom cleaned in the morning. His mom cleaned at night. We expect different things :shrug When it comes to the lawn, I expect it mowed once a week and he thinks twice a month is fancy :P I offered to do the dishes every night if he mowed once a week, and he looked a little sheepish and said he'd have to think about it :lol

So even though we left the conversation fine, I'd still like to think of some other ways to meet both of our needs. Thank you for sharing your experience, Irene. That definitely helps :hug

[allisonintx]

for my husband, 'clean when he gets home' is about certain things. He needs the entry way clear, and the bathroom he uses to be clean. If those two things are done, he is a much happier person.

[ArmsOfLove]

i would ask if there are a few things that he'd appreciate being "touched up" right before he gets home. If it's about "totally clean" then maybe he can add some "get home routine" that touches up the house to his level of comfort since you've already cleaned the house for the day. How big of an issue are we really talking about? a little messy? he is feeling neglected because the "best" isn't when he walks in the door? Is it a minor issue or a major one?

[summertimeshine]

Granted I do not have little ones adding to my messes but I follow much of the same pattern as you do. I love to get my house work done in the morning and then it is out of the way and I can just enjoy the rest of the day. Dh would come home and my projects would be out and he felt like I was the only one who got to enjoy the clean/craft free house during the day. After a few weeks of going round and round I figured out that there were just certain areas that he really wanted to be clutter free - the coffee table and kitchen table and the kitchen counters clear. To me this was a fair trade. In our Dh does the dishes so :shrug thats his deal if he wants them done he can do them when he first gets home, but it takes me very little time to clean off those three spaces before he gets home and I have a much happier hubby.

[Punkie]

We talked about what was important last night. Earlier in our marriage he had said "that the candles are lit" :shrug Apparently that has changed though, lol. He said that he would love to see everything picked up. That is his idea of clean. He wouldn't notice if there was a toxic waste spill on the floor or if the toilets were green as long as there wasn't clutter :P

I make sure that the front living room/entryway and the family room are clean when he gets home, because I know I'd like that. ;) The kitchen is generally clean when he comes home, except that I'm cooking. From what I understand, it has more to do with after the kids go to bed rather than when he gets home. I just really don't feel like cleaning then!

As for your question, Crystal, it is never bad. It is maybe a few toys in the livingroom that the kids leave before bedtime... or our dinner dishes... or maybe some laundry that needs to be put away upstairs. Something like that.

We talked about including the kids in more of the dishwasher loading for the evening. I think part of the problem is that he doesn't see that they do those things all day, and so he feels like they aren't learning to do it. Does that make sense? He doesn't realize how much the kids clean up during the day. I really don't care if they leave a few toys at night since I know how much they do during the day. He feels differently because his experience is different.

[jghomeschooler]

We talked about including the kids in more of the dishwasher loading for the evening. I think part of the problem is that he doesn't see that they do those things all day, and so he feels like they aren't learning to do it. Does that make sense? He doesn't realize how much the kids clean up during the day. I really don't care if they leave a few toys at night since I know how much they do during the day. He feels differently because his experience is different.
Ah, so he is perceiving things differently than they *are*. Maybe make a list one day of what the kids did that day- that would give him something tangible showing how much work they've done, and he'll be able to "see" how much they've done all day.

[Irene]

He wouldn't notice if there was a toxic waste spill on the floor or if the toilets were green as long as there wasn't clutter razz :lol

Our problem is, the cleaner the house is, the more he notices. Like, I can have the house fairly spotless and he will notice the dust on a speaker. Same reaction to that as if the house was a complete disaster :rolleyes

yeah, I dont really clean after the kids are in bed either :no after dinner dishes, Im done. which is also why I found cleaning in the afternoon better, because its mostly clean anyway, ready to start the next day (mostly).

My dh is the same way about the kids. Course, he gets them tired and they dont like to pick up so tired (well, I dont either!) so its a fight with them and hes all "they need to learn to pick up!" but, he doesnt see them all fresh and helpful during the day.

eta: I just remembered one more thing that annoys him, its when it seems that a mess is there for several days. We dont have a play room really, but we have an unfinished room upstairs that they play in. I gave them the kitchen toys the other day, and while they have picked up several times between now and then, when I start making dinner, I send them upstairs and they play, so it appears that its the same mess we havent picked up. same with crafts and sewing projects. I try to at least fold up my sewing projects to make it looked "finished for the day". Not always though.

[allisonintx]

Yea, my husband's idea of clean is "nothing on the floor at all" He doesn't care if it is put away properly, and doesn't even care if it's all stacked on the counters or whatever, as long as the floor is clean, the room is clean :banghead For me, if it's not put away properly, then there's no point.

[Punkie]

Our problem is, the cleaner the house is, the more he notices.

Oh man, that would be so tough! That's almost an incentive to leave it a little dirtier :P

My dh is normally super easy going about this kind of stuff. In the 7 years we've been married, this is the first time he has ever mentioned anything about the house. He is so chill about it. That is part of why I want to try to make a few small changes if I can. It just needs to be something that works for everyone though, because I'm not the 24 hour maid :lol

Now that I think about it, he seemed a lot more focused on what the kids were doing... like he said that if he and the kids helped with dishes at night then we could all do it in 10 minutes. He said something similar about their toys. Maybe what he is looking for is just to see more of what I see during the day. :think I'll have to talk to him about that tonight. Maybe I could help the kids move their routine around a little :think Like you said though, who wants to clean when they're tired?!

[jamilyian]

I do what I call "the 5 o'clock shuffle" before dh gets home. I just go through the house and pick up stuff, clear the counters. It only takes a few mins. Maybe you could have baskets in the house at various places where you can quickly deposit loose toys and things to put away the next day during your morning cleaning.

This way the house will be cleared up for dh w/o taking too much time or effort.

[Thia]

:popcorn

[Quietspirit]

I do what I call "the 5 o'clock shuffle" before dh gets home. I just go through the house and pick up stuff, clear the counters. It only takes a few mins. Maybe you could have baskets in the house at various places where you can quickly deposit loose toys and things to put away the next day during your morning cleaning.

We do this in our home as well. BUT, I have my children do it (I help the 3 year old). While they are straightening up, I quickly give the kitchen a once over. :)

[mom2threegirls]

I 2nd the "5 o'clock shuffle". I do my main cleaning early in the day too- it just works better for me. But in the evening while I'm getting dinner ready and DH is on his way home the kids and I all work together to pick up toys and clutter and wipe the kitchen counters and dining room table. It takes maybe 15 minutes at the most, with my two older daughter's helping (and my youngest trying to help ;)) and then it's "clean". Even though I do this for Dh I've found that it has really blessed me too- I don't get stressed out by the state of the house in the evening and the kids seem more at peace (probably because Mama is ;)).

[Strumbelina]

Now that I think about it, he seemed a lot more focused on what the kids were doing... like he said that if he and the kids helped with dishes at night then we could all do it in 10 minutes. He said something similar about their toys. Maybe what he is looking for is just to see more of what I see during the day. :think I'll have to talk to him about that tonight. Maybe I could help the kids move their routine around a little :think Like you said though, who wants to clean when they're tired?!
[/quote]

Amanda, this makes a lot of sense to me. That is, if in fact he is mostly concerned about the kids picking up and things being in order once they are in bed. It sounds like he is willing to participate in having this kind of 7:00 "shuffle" or whatever time it would happen....maybe while you are doing dinner dishes before the kids bedtime routine, there could be 10 minutes of getting everything in it's place. You could even sort of make it fun by setting a timer for 10 minutes and you could shout encouragements from the kitchen. I dunno, maybe that is not the kind of idea you are looking for. However, I know for myself, that I need to have at least a couple and usually three times a day where we do cleaning/picking up. That is my ideal, and I honestly can think more clearly and function better when I take various times throughout the day to "freshen" things up. The reason three works so well is because they can be kept relatively short...well at least two of them can be.
I like to get things cleaned in the am as well, because (obviously) I like to work and school and live in a clean house. I love leaving the house clean and going out all day or playing all day and coming home to it being all fresh and clean.
Ok, I am rambling now. Sorry. :O
Let us know what you work out.

[Sarai]

Um. I don't think he'd want to hear my response. I would tell dh to do the dishes if he was so bugged by it. :shifty


Me too.....if I'm doing it, then I'll do it when I have the energy to. :shifty Although I will concede that Irene said she changed and it seems to be working well... :yes