Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

[canadiyank]

I just cannot recommend this book (http://www.amazon.com/Dealing-Disappointment-Helping-Things-Their/dp/1884734758/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-3989774-8089732?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1172905286&sr=8-1) enough - is it so fabulous and every time I read a section over I learn something new! :tu (There's also some great books and articles at the publishers site...they are against corporal punishment but not all of the things are totally non-punitive, just FYI. Still a helpful site. Parenting Press (http://www.parentingpress.com/index.html).) I bought it when Kiri was 2 at my local indie bookstore and read through it but a lot of it she was just too young for. Well, now she's not. :shifty And I'm in need of some new tools and to teach her some new tools so I'm rereading it.

I'm going to be posting a summary of each chapter as I read it. It has a built-in workbook so I'm also doing those exercises. Anyone who is interested, join in, comment, ask questions, etc. Since I know myself, it'll probably be pretty slow-going as far as the chapter posting but I'm a few chapters in, so at least I have *something* to post right now. :lol I'd really encourage you to buy this book since it's such a great reference and b/c doing the workbook adds another level of insight.

Thanks!

[canadiyank]

Chapter One - Who's Responsible For Happiness?

Wow, that was a big insight for me. I mean, I know I can't make my children happy, and that quote at the top of the board that pops up periodically about just b/c our kids are having a strong reaction to the boundaries doesn't mean it's punitive, has had a lasting impact on me as I've parented. To hear it from a difference source was so helpful to me...so here it is again, folks: My child is responsible for his or her own happiness. We can provide wonderful experiences, encouragement, etc. but ultimately we can't make them happy, nor is it our responsibility.

Although we can't "make" them happy, we can help them...

Parents' role: modeling ways to deal with feelings appropriately, teaching information and skills needed, backing out (when appropriate) and letting children be responsible for their own feelings;

Children's role: to notice their feelings, learn the skills to manage feelings and situations, experiement with what works for them.

This quote was especially pertinent to our situation:

"Recently parents have begun to acknowledge their children's feelings and are surprised that their children sometimes remain upset. Acknowledging feelings is very helpful, and children need more than that. They need information about feelings, concrete tools and strategies to deal with their feelings and the situation they face, and support as they experiement and find out what works for them." (p. 9)

What kids need to manage their feelings...

1. Information about feelings - a feelings vocaulary, to know that feelings change, and that feelings are different from actions.

2. Tools and strategies - to calm themselves instead of putting a lid on it or exploding.

3. Support - different levels of parental support depending on age and stage of learning. (She makes a big distinction about this, focusing on the fact that stage of learning of skills is more important than age. So many times we expect things b/c they're "x" age, but they lack the skills to deal with the situation.)

She then goes on to a self-test that talks about your "Parenting EQ (emotional quotient) Style," which is helpful for determining how you handle kids' feelings. There's the sensitve response, which acknowledges feelings and often tries to destract the child but not offer tools or strategies for dealing with the feelings (that would be me...). A Critical response dismisses or discounts the child's feelings, may blame child for situation, doesn't like display of feelings, offers no skills. A Fixing response tries to solve the child's problem or avoid the situation so the child won't be upset. Rarely acknowledges feelings, offer tools, or encourages the child to problem-solve for him/herself. The Coaching response acknowledges child's feelings, offers strategies to deal with feelings, reminds they have choices of strategies, and that they (the parents) are available as a resource.

Obviously the Coaching response would be the one they are teaching us how to do. I was suprised to find that while I was reflecting and acknowledging away I wasn't giving a whole lot of tools for dealing with the situations and feelings. And I'd already read the book but was still doing that. :doh

Anyways, there ya go. :phew

[ReedleBeetle]

:popcorn Hey, Meghan! I will be following :-)

[SouthPaw]

wow, how cool! thanks! :popcorn

[The Tickle Momster]

I just ordered this from amazon.  Should be here in a week or so.  I'll be following.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I have this on interlibrary for another two weeks. I'll be reading! :popcorn

[katiekind]

That sounds really good. I still need help like this! :yes

[doubleblessings]

:popcorn
I'll try and post some thoughts when I have more time.

[canadiyank]

Chapter Two - What To Do When Your Child is Upset

I love that this book is so practical. She admits there's tons to do and foundations to lay, but most people pick up the book wanting to know what to do *now* when a tantrum is happening. She says, "The good news is there are things you can do to help your child to deal with his feelings over time. The bad news is that nothing "works" in the moment of crisis. Once your child has "lost it," he can rarely learn anything until he is calm again. At the moment of crisis, the most effective approach is to give the child the support he needs, and then plan what you will teach he when he is calm" (p. 14) [italics mine].

Levels of support - depending on the child's age and skill level for dealing with emotions and situations, that parent's role changes as children grow in age and ability.

Comfortor - I will take care of you.
Teacher - You have choices.
Coach - You can think of choices.
Supporter - You are in charge. I'll support you.

She then illustrates these examples with stories from various ages and skill-levels of children, making it clear that just b/c a child is x-age doesn't mean they're able to deal with the emotions/situations successfully (jeepers - how many of us can't? Yet we skill have higher expectations of our, say, 3yo... :rolleyes). As the child grows and they learn they will be able to more successfully handle these situations and your role as a parent will change. I love that final stage of "supporter" - you are in charge; I'll support you. I can think of many parental relationship that either didn't have any of these roles or were stuck at one which led to many problems in their adult children's lives.

As far as the crisis of "in the moment," she clarifies that while it's important to deal with the crisis, very little learning occurs as this time. In fact, if that's the only time you deal with feelings, your child will probably continue to have emotional meltdowns b/c although acknowledging feelings is helpful, it does not teach the child *how* to deal with the emotions.

First, the steps for dealing with a crisis:

1. Check for safety. Move anyone or anything being hurt.
2. Acknowledge feelings. "It's ok to feel ____." (Identifying feelings gives them a feelings vocabulary, that feelings are acceptable, and that their feelings are different from actions. It's ok to "guess" at their feelings and be wrong...they're still learning and if they can tell you're wrong, great!)
3. Set limits. "And I will not let you _____." (Notice use of "and" here instead of "but," which can negate or minimize their feelings you idenitified in step 2.)
4. Offer choices. "You may ____ or _____ instead." (These are the skills you've introduced at other times.)
5. Offer support. "Would you like me to ___?" ("Offering support may be tricky. Some children want to be left alone, others feel abandoned if you leave. You can ask what the child wants, but remember that she may really not know. You may need to experiment to see what works best." p. 17.)

Between crises is when the main teaching takes place and that's the focus of the future chapters. To start off, though, these three actions are important:

1. Teach new strategies and skills for coping.
2. Ackowledge effort. Teachings skills is a gradual effort and learning them may takes weeks or months versus hours or days.
3. Reduce stress. (Too many activities, triggers, dealing with your own stress, etc.)

[ReedleBeetle]

Ahhhhh! Ok, so right now I need to be more the comforter as he has no skills with which to work through this on his own (not that I really expect him to at this age), but I should be moving into the teacher phase as I teahc him how to cope and then use those skills to cope during crisis. I think due to the trauma of adoption though, we are definitely still at the comforter stage. Add that we were punitive and are in the process to no longer be, he is still learning to trust us for comfort. Does this basically mean that he can't truly utilize or learn skills to cope on his own until he is secure in the fact that we are there to comfort and help if needed, do you think? Very interesting!!! Also makes me realize that if I can't comfort him in public the same way I do at home, then I probably don't need to go there :shrug Like, for instance, I oftentimes nurse him for comfort, if we are some place I am not comfortable doing that, then I don't need to be there huh? Consistency for the trust factor :shrug All kinds of things opening up in my mind :yes

[canadiyank]

:yes I think you're exactly right, RiAnnon. The comfort phase is so important right now, especially b/c of the adoption and punitive background. And you will be able to teach him skills but realize that especially in the moment right now he's just not able to use them. Add into that that technically your child is 1 and he only needs one skill per year of age...and you've got it, nursing. :mrgreen :heart ;) Good insights into your particular situation.

:hug


edited for spelling

[ReedleBeetle]

WOOHOOO!!!! I feel like jumping on the roof!!! :jawdrop :lol It is SOOOOO wonderful when light bulbs start going off! I love it! Ok, now feeling much LESS frustrated! Let's see how tomorrow goes, I feel more equipped already! :giggle

[canadiyank]

:rockon :hug

[mamma2allen]

Add into that that technically your child is 1 and he only needs one skill per year of age

This is an intresting idea to me. Where does this idea come from? What other kinds of skills can you have besides nursing?
Stephanie

[canadiyank]

Well, that is the premise the author has...one skill per year of age. (I was mostly teasing about the nursing...that's not one she mentions but it *is* a self-calming tool. ;) )

There are six main types of self-calming tools, and that's in ch. 4, so stay tuned, lol, but some other examples would be comfort corner, watching swaying trees, large-body mvt's such as jumping or running, repetitve tactile things things like stringing beads or playing play-dough, drinking tea, warm bath, etc.

[mamma2allen]

OK that makes more sense. Thank you for jumping ahead for me. I can tell I am going to need to look for this book but no money or time this month so for now I will just keep up with your summary.
Stephanie

[DogwoodMama]

Thanks for the great summaries since I can't read the book right now! :)

[canadiyank]

Glad people are finding this helpful...I'm am learning so much from having to think how to summarize, too. :tu

[GrumpyMom]

Wow! I'm loving this thread! I'm going to have to get this book. I appreciate all of your info.

[GrumpyMom]

from the book description it sounds like the book is just about dealing with disappointment, but your quotes lead me to believe this is about all emotions. which is it? that "pick up your socks...." book looks good, too.

[canadiyank]

Very much definitely all emotions. :tu The loud negative ones are just the ones most of us are concerned about. :lol In the next chapter she actually talks about how most of us, when we reflect feelings, mainly do the negative ones. Interesting.

[ReedleBeetle]

Very much definitely all emotions. :tu The loud negative ones are just the ones most of us are concerned about. :lol In the next chapter she actually talks about how most of us, when we reflect feelings, mainly do the negative ones. Interesting.


I was actually thinking about this earlier today, and I am making more of an effort to reflect those happy, joyful emotions also. I am also making sure that I dientify my own feelings to him such as "I am sad right now" or "Mommy is SOOOO happy!!" I am also being careful not to reflect my feelings into what he is doing (ie. "Mommy is so happy because you ____________".)

He has started comforting me. He wants me to pick him up so he can hug me and hold me back, then points to our "Comfie Chair" and wants me to sit in it. Then he snuggles me good, flips sideways and nurses with this look like, "THIS always makes ME feel better, so it must you too." :) And of course it does, just because he is being so sweet :yes

[canadiyank]

That is fantastic and so sweet. :heart

[marathonmom]

I don't have this book, but I want to come back to this bec. this is such a great discussion! :rockon

[Radosny Matka]

He has started comforting me. He wants me to pick him up so he can hug me and hold me back, then points to our "Comfie Chair" and wants me to sit in it. Then he snuggles me good, flips sideways and nurses with this look like, "THIS always makes ME feel better, so it must you too." :) And of course it does, just because he is being so sweet :yes


:hearts That just melts my heart! :melting

[canadiyank]

Chapter Three - What Kids Need to Know About Feelings

Everyone has feelings, expressed or suppressed - before people can cope effectively with feelings it's helpful to understand their nature.

Kids need to know:

1. How to identify feelings.
2. The nature of feelings.
3. How to cope with feelings.

How to identify feelings through:

Vocabulary You can do this through labelling your own feelings, observing the feelings of others, labelling children's feelings, using books/videos to introduce feelings (talking about what the character is feeling, asking child to identify character's feeling, telling of a time you felt that way, etc).
Variety Label both comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. Most people only comment on feelings when they are negative..."reflecting only uncomfortable feelings can encourage children to notice and feel more uncomfortable feelings at the expense of comfortable ones" (p. 23).
Gradations There are a wide variety of feelings (for example, pleased/happy/excited are gradations of similar comfortable feelings, while worried/scared/terrified are gradations of similar uncomfortable ones) and children need to be able to discern and identify the difference. Also, if you as a parent notice a mild upset you can offer coping strategies they are likely to reject if they were more upset.
Internal signs of feelings Physical signs such a tenseness, relaxation, hotness, etc. can give insight into what's happening so they are better able to understand what's happening and then deal with it.

The nature of feelings:

Feelings are okay All feelings are acceptable. They can be expressed in helpful or harmful ways.
Feelings change Since most children live in the present they have difficulty thinking they can be *so upset* right now, but that feeling can change. You can be sad now and happy later.
Feelings are different from actions "It's ok to be angry, and it's not ok to hurt someone or something."
Feelings can be expressed in many ways "Young children often express their feelings by crying, screaming, pushing, biting, or hitting. Over time they can learn that there are other ways to demonstrate their feelings. One way you can teach alternatives is to model constructive behaviour and verbalize what you are doing." (p. 27) "I feel really upset! I'm taking three calming breaths...do I feel better?" etc.
Feelings vary from person to person While children can see that feelings vary, they generally assume other people feel exactly as they do. People feel differently about things!
Everyone has feelings Feelings are not tangible, so children can conclude others don't have them...you can teach them about other people's feelings by commenting on them, having the child label them, talking about your own comfortable and uncomfortable feelings, etc.

How to cope with feelings:

"When children are upset there are two aspects - the feeling itself and the situation or event that preceded the feeling. Children need tools or strategies to deal with both these aspects." (p. 29).

You can teach these concepts through:

Modeling
Observations
Stories
Activities
(the future chapters deal with the teaching of these concepts in greater detail)

It is possible for parents to unknowingly discount feelings through denying, reducing, dismissing, and/or solving them.

Denying says you are wrong, you don't feel that way.
Reducing says you are overreacting, you shouldn't feel that strongly.
Dismissing says it is not reasonable for you to feel that way.
Solving discounts the feeling by fixing it rather than accepting it.

Instead of blocking of dismissing the feelings, you can acknowledge you can respond by simply listening (using oh, umm, really? when appropriate), acknowledging the feelings, and/or offering help. This tells the child it's ok to have these feelings and also leaves the responsibility for dealing with the feeling to the child.

[ellies mom]

Thank you so much for doing this. I've got the book on reserve at the library but this is really helping to tide me over. I can't wait to sit down and read the book for myself.

[canadiyank]

Chapter Four - Self-Calming Tools

Here they are, folks, the chapter on self-calming tool! :woohoo She suggests children have one tool per year of age. When they are younger, physical activities such as running or jumping are often more helpful, although they need to learn more and different ones as they grow older. There are six groups of tools: physical, auditory/verbal, visual, creative, self-comforting, and humor.

Physical Tools Using large muscles can reduce restless energy and help a person feel calmer. These are activities such as running, dancing, swimming, jumping, etc. Small repetitive mv'ts like hitting a pillow can actually increase stress, but it is better than hitting a person, and can be used as an intermediate step to other tools. I.e., start with hitting a pillow, then shake out feelings, then calming breaths. For some children mv't excites them further, so you can use a technique called "Putting them together" (put your hands on the sides of their shoulders or hips and firmly press together. Eventually the child will learn to do this by hugging themselves. I think this is very similar to the bear hug).
Auditory/Verbal Tools Crying or screaming comes naturally. :) As they mature and develop language and a feelings vocabulary, they can begin to communicate what they need more clearly. Talking about what upsets them may help some children calm down, or other tools such as soothing music or rousing music to reflect their inner turmoil, or starting with dramatic music and gradually changing to calm music.
Visual Tools Watching swaying trees, reading a book, reflecting inward or outward. Some children can do this in the presence of others and some need to be alone. (This is a primary tool for me - I need to be alone and I can calm by reading a book, resting, journalling, etc.)
Creative Tools Usually involves repetitive hand mvt's such a stringing beads, knitting, mashing play-do, drawing their feelings, etc. The child needs to have some skill in the activity so doing it doesn't add more frustration.
Self-comforting Tools Sucking is a self-comforting tool (Ah! I was right, although I missed it the first time. :) Nursing. :D She says a pacifier...). Oral activities such as chewing pencils/hair etc. are self-comforting but there are many other ways such as getting a hug or back run, bubble bath, curling up with a good book (here I am again, lol), lounging outside, drinking a cup of tea, eating a bowl of chicken soup or a piece of chocolate.
Food can help people calm down in two ways...1) When people are hungry, they are often more easily upset (so true around here...using the HALT acronym - hungry, angry, lonely, tired, can help a parent help the child), and 2) carbs increase the serotonin level in the brain, which enhances mood. Some parents object to using food for comfort, but you can model healthy habits such as a piece of fresh fruit, tea with honey, or sipping a bowl of soup.
Humor Tools Books and videos can be used to introduce humor. Exaggerating the situation to the point of ridiculousness can help (a la Playful Parenting, I'm thinking)...you should model this first in your own frustrations so the child understands what is happening and doesn't think you are making fun of him/her.

(That's the end of this section - there's more to the chapter that I will post at another time).

[ReedleBeetle]

Thank you, Meghan, for all the effort you are putting into this for us :-) I look forward to reading the next section! :heart

[MaiMama]

Wow, thanks so much for doing this! I am starting to work on my discipline again, and this really helps.

I got way off track after Jackson was born. I know I need to work on dealing with my own emotions first of all, but I need to help Trin as well. She has outbursts multiple times a day (as do I :shifty). Nursing was always the main method of comfort, but I have cut that back a lot in the past few months and haven't been able to figure out what to replace it with. Okay, actually, we put her in front of Dora :blush. Sometimes I carry her like a sack of taters to the backyard or room with lots of toys, and the change of environment seems to help. I know a lot of times HALT is an issue. Okay, I'm Tired, so I'll take go care of that. :grin

[canadiyank]

lol - glad you took care of Tired, mama2train...I have that issue, too. :shifty

[canadiyank]

Continuation of Chapter Four..

How to Teach Self-Calming Tools

"Teaching kids to deal with feelings is different from telling them what to do. Teaching involves introducing the skill, linking the skill to the feeling of calmness, practicing the skill in pretend, then reminding the child that he has a choice when he is upset. The last step involves backing out and letting the child remember that he has choices himself" (38).

Introduce the tool. This is more than just telling them what to do, s/he needs to practice it when life is calm. Of course, the action of the tools (i.e., take three calming breaths) is important, but they need the rest of the teaching to be able to use it successfully by themselves. For introducing tools you can use ones they already do, notice things they do where they feel especially peaceful (coloring, laying under a tree etc.) and introduce those as tools, or gather ideas from books, etc.
Link the tool to feeling calm. Once the child is successful with the action of the tool you can start linking it to feeling calm, "When I lay under this tree I feel so calm and peacefull. I'm going to soak up this calmness to use later when I need it." "When I take these calming breaths I feel the stress start to leave my body," etc.
Practice using the tool. Start by practicing the tool in pretend. "Remember when "x" happened and I felt so upset? I'm going to pretend that happened and I'll stay calm by using my calming breaths." After modelling the tool you can invite the child to remember a time, join in yours, make up a story and act it out, etc.
Prompt the child to use the tool. Once the child can use the tool in pretend, you can prompt him/her shen upset. It is helpful to offer a choice between two tools and also before the child has totally melted down.
Back out and let a child cope. When youre child can choose to calm him/herself when prompted, it is time to back out and let your child remember without prompting. Your prompting will decrease gradually until the child is able to remember without your help.

[ReedleBeetle]

Meghan,
Does it give approximate ages or developemental milestones that indicate when these steps should be able to be reached by? I just wondered so that I know when these steps become age/developmentally appropriate :)

[canadiyank]

It really doesn't, RiAnnon. :think I think she avoids it, actually. She makes a big distinction about "skill level" - that just b/c a child is x-age doesn't mean s/he'll be able to do the various things if s/he hasn't been taught and internalized them. The closest it's come is that there's one skill per year of age and that this is a very gradual process. I think she's more concerned about skill development rather than age. The examples in the book are a wide variety of ages and sometimes the child just has a name and no age.

For me, I'm finding having read the book when she was age 2 kind of laid the foundation in my mind but she was still too young for many of skills except the most easy and physical ones. Reading it again I'm picking up more of the philosophy and plan to follow the teaching (like in the post I did just above) more thoroughly, practicing, etc. Before I just mostly told her choices. :think

[canadiyank]

End of Chapter Four

Four Levels of Support for Kids' Feelings

This section shows how the parents' level of support changes depending on the situation, as the child grows and matures, and as s/he learns new skills. These levels are not dependent on the age of the child, necessarily (IOW, you wouldn't abandon comforting or teaching as the child grows, but realize they will need new and different levels of support depending on their situation, age, etc.).

Parent as Comforter - this is a big part of parenting as AP parents. Often I feel stuck here, not knowing what else to do besides comfort. (Obviously, comforting is essential, but sometimes it feels like more is needed when she's melting down). The author recommends showing different ways of comforting such as a hug, a song, gentle rocking, etc, so the child can experience many different ways of being comforted.

Parent as Teacher - the parent offers the child choices of how s/he could calm him/herself. This would be choices of things that have calmed him/her in the past or have been taught as a calming tool (see previous post on teaching calming tools). "Would you like to 'x' or 'y'?"

Parent as Coach - parent provides structure for the child rather than outright offering a choice. "How do you want to calm yourself?" If s/he can't think of a way, you can ask how s/he calmed him/herself in a different situation.

Parent as Consultant - at this stage the parent offers support without offering ideas or asking questions...the purpose is to let the child know s/he can ask you for help without encouraging him/her to remain dependent on you for calming themselves. She shows a few examples of this, typically with teens or more skilled children, where you can just be present but not "fix" their problems.

:)

[Elena]

This is great! Thanks for sending me over here! This is all sounding vaugely familiar, maybe I checked this out from the library before and skimmed over it. I tend to do that a lot with books. It sounds like I need to give it another look.

I am wondering about the four levels of support and where I need to be with dd. :think In most ways I would place us in the Parent as Teacher Level, but I think I failed miserably at the Parent as Comforter stage when she was younger and I had her brothers 15 months apart. I felt I didn't have anything left of myself to give to her not to mention I think I expected much more out of her than I should have at the time added to the fact that I never learned these skills myself growing up............ I think I have guilt about that and is why I'm having trouble knowing when to draw the line with her emotional reactions now. Hmmm. Will have to consider this a bit more. Maybe we're on both levels- me offering a quick moment of comfort but then moving on to teaching her how to self- calm.

I have tried giving her appropriate ways to self calm before but some of them make her even angrier. Deep breathing does wonders for me in the heat of the moment but if I ask her to take a deep breath she starts yelling, that makes me more mad!!!! She even told me once that hearing me take a deep breath makes her more angry. :rolleyes Anyway, two things I realized while reading this: I need to talk to her about different methods of calming herself BEFORE she gets angry! :doh And, there are a lot of ways I hadn't thought of! I'm even thinking of making a list so she or I can quickly get an idea in a moment of crisis.

Thanks again. I will keep checkin in on this. :)

[canadiyank]

Glad you're finding it helpful! :rockon That was a big revelation to me, too...teaching the tools *before* the meltdown happens. :doh I am working on that right now, thinking of tools and ways to introduce them. :tu

[MaiMama]

i haven't had internet for a couple of days, so i'm glad to get back. She's been screaming recently, and I've taken her outside to do that, but I know we need to work on it when she's in a good mood (and me, too). We've tried the angry dance, but these hadn't really worked until today. We were both upset, so we both went outside & ran around the car, screaming and yelling, and then we both laughed and felt better. :tu I guess I've needed the angry dance myself. So I'm expecting to do more car laps in the days to come. Maybe we should do it in the backyard, though. :shifty

I need to work more on being a comforter again, instead of just telling her what to do. Like I said, I stopped nursing & she really didn't have anything left. :( I'm not sure what else to introduce. I may need to go back to nursing ( I have sometimes), and then add the next thing on to that. Hmm. Glad to see this thread again, because I need to think about these things some more.

Thanks Meghan.

I need ta pay mroe attention to what she does to relax herself

[phermion]

:heart I couldn't have found this thread at a better time. Thank you, Meghan. :heart I'll keep following this and put the book on the top of my "to get" list. :yes

[canadiyank]

Thanks guys. :grouphug I needed the encouragement today. Glad it's proving helpful. :)

[ReedleBeetle]

Loving this thread still Meghan! I get so excited when I see an update on it! :heart

[illinoismommy]

Okay okay I'll buy this.... subscribing to this thread to come back later

[Chris3jam]

:popcorn

(following along)

[euromom]

Subbing to find this later. I looked for the book in our library and they don't have it :( So I checked at Borders and they don't have it there either, not only that but they said the can't even order it for me :hissyfit So it looks like I will have to order it online sometime but not sure when I can do that just yet.

[Heather Micaela]

:popcorn

[GrowingInGrace]

Thank you so so much for taking the time to summarize. I am crying here knowing how ineffective we've been to handle my very emotional 3.5 year olds upsets, with very little to go on for providing us and her with tools she can use to help herself as she grows. She and I have talked about her feelings very briefly - only to the point that we are both in agreement that we don't know why she gets so upset, she just does.

At first, when I saw this book recommended to me, I thought, "great, another book I have to get/read and not know how to implement". But I love the summarizing you are doing, because it lays out the important parts so I really understand that I DO NEED this book. Probably more than any other at this point, because it's the only one with the specific tools to help her learn to manage her emotions. This is our biggest obstacle between us. It's not enough to be just reflecting and sympathetic to her, but also to be able to provide her with the skills to manage them. And honestly, it probably will teach me to manage my own.

Thank you so so so much again....I've felt so helpless with regards to her. And now I see there are real tools to help her.

[canadiyank]

(((Casey))) It really is so practical. :yes The tough part is practicing the examples at a neutral time, and that's when it matters most. And you're absolutely right, it's a helpful book for *anyone* - most of us have inadequate skills for dealing with disappointment. :hug

[canadiyank]

Chapter Five: Problem Solving Tools

The author has developed a "problem solving summary" known as STAR. There are a variety of things that upset children and many ways to solve problems...the STAR method is a general summary of the problem-solving method.

Stop and focus.
Think of ideas.
Act effectively.
Review and revise.

Stop and focus - there are two parts to this. The first is looking at yourself (calming yourself, perhaps using the self-calming tools from the previous chapters) and the next is defining the problem (what is really the issue here? How do you feel? etc.)

Think of ideas - brainstorm many ideas (this is not the time for evaluating the ideas, so just write them all down). Aim for one idea per year until age 12. If having difficulties, think of what a wise person you know might suggest, or what you'd do if you were a magician or had a million dollars.

Act effectively - evaluate the ideas. Select the best one or two and plan to implement it/them. Is it realistic and respectful? Work immediately and long term? Adapt and change as needed. When can you implement the idea? Who will be involved? When will you review how it worked? Think of potential road-blocks you might need to overcome.

Review and revise - how did it go? Was it successful? Consider why. If not, why did it fail? Sometimes it takes more than one approach to solve a long-standing problem.

You can help introduce this tool by modelling it yourself. The example the author gave was a repairman calling that a dryer part wouldn't be availble and how the mom brainstormed ideas (hang dry, go through clothes and see if they are clean enough to wear, laundromat, etc).

This process can be used for problems with "people" and with "things," the main difference would be the type of solutions you come up with. I will summarize the differences between this methods and the rest of the chapter soon. :hug

[phermion]

This is looking like a great book for my oldest ds and I to work through together - in a team effort. We both react similarly when we are frustrated and feeling on the verge of exploding.
So, now, I can HALT and/or STAR. :giggle

[canadiyank]

So, now, I can HALT and/or STAR. :giggle

[WI Mama05]

:blah :no3 :pout That book isn't available in our library system, so I'll be reading the summaries here :rockon

[GrowingInGrace]

I just got my copy from the bookstore yesterday. I've only read 2 pages, but so far I'm loving this book.

[canadiyank]

Thanks for reviving this! I can't believe it's been since May that I've updated. :blush Life keeps getting in the way, I guess. But I need the tools and reminders more than ever!

Chapter 5 continued....Strategies to Deal With Things (dealing with people is the next section)

Younger and older children both can be frustrated by learning how the physical world works (untangling something, pouring into a glass, kicking a soccer ball, etc). The frustration can come from either a) lack of understanding of how the world works, or b) a lack of skill or ability to do the activity.

Lack of Understanding: Crary says we're often tempted to tell the child why what they're doing isn't working. She gives the example of a child building a block tower on a wrinkled carpet and it keeps falling down. It would be easy for us to say, "It's falling down b/c it's on a wrinkle. Build it over there." She says, "While that is the quickest way to give information, it may not be the most effective way for the child to learn the information. Usually children learn best discovering things themselves" (46).
Our job in these sorts of situations is to ask questions, make observations, help them try things out (e.g., building a tower on a stable part and asking what the difference is) until they discover the solution. This teaches the child to think about the problem: defining the problem, creating alternatives, testing the ideas, etc. This is a skill they can then use to reduce frustration in the future.

Lack of Skill: Many children get frustrated b/c they want to do something (e.g., play piano, play basketball, read a book) but they simply lack the skill. Learning the skill takes time and practice and sometimes the progress is not easily seen so they become upset. (This is the *biggest* thing in my dd1's life right now..."giving up" b/c she can't do it right away and getting overly frustrated if I suggest something). Following are seven ways we can help the child stay focused on their goal.

1) Get a teacher or a mentor. Find a person who knows the skill or one who also has experience teaching the skill; this will make it easier to learn and they can help you/the child avoid common problems encountered while mastering the skill.

2) Divide the task into small pieces. This is pretty self-explanatory but something I often forget. I find for myself if I do this the task becomes more manageable almost immediately. We help our children think of the small steps, not just tell them what they are.

3) Make practice fun. She suggests using rewards after several times of trying the skill.

4) Chart your progress. Find some way to record effort and success, keeping track on a calendar, in a notebook, etc.

5) Take breaks. Whenever you find yourself getting upset, take a break. Plan for that, say, taking a water break. You can also use the self-calming tools from the previous chapters.

6) Make a committment. It could be in terms of "effort" or "results." For example, effort could be in terms of x-am't of time or x-am't of tries, whereas results would be x-am't of right tries no matter how long it takes.

7) Imagine yourself as successful. Put lots of detail into the imagination...what you hear, see, feel, etc.

The strategies can be used for any skill a child wants to learn. You can also incorporate them when you're learning a new skill and talk about what you're doing, ask the child for another idea to help you learn your new skill, etc.

Next will be "Strategies to deal with people." :)

[GrowingInGrace]

Thank you. I really need it. It will be what I give dh while I'm reading the book. We need help fast.

[Spanish Rose]

Bummpity bump-bump. :)

[Serafine]

:popcorn

[canadiyank]

Chapter Five continued....Strategies to Deal With People

Conflicts are the inevitable result of clashing individual needs or the result of teasing or malicious intent. These strategies help children deal with other people. Bullying, however, is a problem in need of grown-up help - it only happens in settings where the adults ignore it or accept it as normal behaviour. (There's an appendix I'll summarize later that has resources for dealing with bullying). Each of the following ten strategies are useful for some situations and not others, so we need to help our children brainstorm ideas for the pertinent situation.

1. Clarify the situation. The child can use a clear, firm tone to clarifying the situation and state expectations. E.g., "That is my hat. Please give it to me." This tool can also be used to collect information, in a friendly, curious way. "You have snatched my hat every day this week. What is so compelling about my hat?"

2. Negotiate differences. Find out what the other person wants and talk about how both peoples' needs can be met. (This will be discussed further in the next segment).

3. Ignore the problem. This can be a difficult tool to use, especially if the other child wants bystanders' attention at well, but it is the classic "ignore them" advice.

4. Reframe the situation. The child tries to find a positive element in the problem or finds a way to discount the negative element to the problem no longer upsets him/her. "Paul's my friend...he'll return the hat, so I'll let him play with it now if he wants."

5. Change or move. The child moves to a safe or protected place.

6. Distract or divert. Draw the other child's attention to something else...in the hat situation the child could distract the other and grab her hat back while he's not looking. We could also use this step for teaching our children the "bean-dip method." (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=1988.0)

7. Use humour. Exaggerating the situation to the point of ridiculous in your mine can help you to maintain control of the situation and deal with your feelings.

8. Do something unexpected. This can be used for a situation that often comes up, so the child can try something unexpected, either giving the child exactly what he wants (but maybe having a whole bunch of hats to toss at him one at a time) or prevent it in an unusual way (strapping the hat to her coat).

9. Get help. When a child has tried unsuccessfully to handle a situation, it's appropriate for the child to get help from a friend or adult. The author recommends the book Telling Isn't Tattling (http://www.amazon.com/Telling-Isnt-Tattling-Kathryn-Hammerseng/dp/1884734065/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-3036796-2407169?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1193249995&sr=8-1) to help the child differentiate between "telling" and "tattling."

10. Use force. Another option is to use force to get the hat back.

Next I'll summarize the section on helping children negotiate.

[Spanish Rose]

Wow, that was really helpful! Thank you!

[canadiyank]

Yeah, I wrote this out yesterday afternoon and after school my kindergartner comes home to say someone bullied her on the school bus, so it was very pertinent. :/ :blah :sad2

[canadiyank]

Chapter Five continued...Help Children Negotiate

Negotiation is an excellent skill, and similar to the problem-solving process. Kids do need these skills before they are able to negotiate:

Prerequisite skills:

1. Ability to listen and pay attention. "It is impossible to negotiate if you do not understand what the other person wants" (50).
2. They needs some basic language concepts such as same-different, if-then, why-because, to be able to discuss ideas presented.
3. To understand feelings as presented in Chapter 3 (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php?topic=102617.msg1001583#msg1001583).

I love how once again she doesn't give an age for the above skills, but just that they should be present. Her focus on "skills" and not age is very encouraging to me.

Steps to facilitate negotiation:

It's important to remember our job as parents is not to tell them what to do or offer ideas or suggestions, but to help them find a solution.

Step 1: Gather data. Find out why they're upset by asking open-ended questions; don't be surprised if their explanations differ, you're just trying to get enough info to identify the problem.

Step 2: State the problem clearly. It's easier for children to negotiate if they know what the problem is. State the problem in terms of both children's needs. You can say something like, "We have two children who want the same toy. What can we do so they will both be happy?" She says it's important to include the "be happy" part so they will be feel satisfied that their need is met.

Step 3: Generate ideas. Encourage many ideas; write them down if you can't remember all of them b/c if you forget the child may feel like you didn't like it. Silly ideas should be encouraged. Aim for one suggestion per year of age until age 12. Separate generating ideas from evaluating them; if a child gets upset at the other's idea, remind that, "Right now we are thinking of ideas. Later we will choose an idea" (52).

Step 4: Evaluate the ideas. With older children you can go through the ideas and evaluate each of them to see if they're reasonable, respectful, or realistic. With youngers you can say, "Do you think any of the ideas will work for both of you?" Have them think of ideas the other kid would like, and then an idea that could work for both. They can negotiate with other toys, chores, timing of things, etc.

Step 5: Ask for a decision and help the children plan. If there are several ideas that are acceptable, have them choose one. If there's only one, ask if it will work for both. Then plan how to implement it and build in a time to review how it worked. Praise them when the problem is resolved.

Helping children negotiate is a time-consuming process in the short term, but it saves energy and the parent works him/herself out of a job as the children learn to resolve their own problems.

Supporting kids' problem solving

As children grow, parents' roles change.

Parent as comforter. When a baby or toddler wants something the parent often distracts the child with something else or asks the older child to let the baby play with the toy. In these examples the parent is comforting the child by solving the problem. During this stage you can describe what you're doing and different alternatives you're using (wait, trade, take turns, etc.) so the child can see different skills and tools in use.

Parent as teacher. As children grow, they need to take a more active part in their happiness (54). At this stage the parent offers choices and lets the child decide what to do. If the child has no ideas, ask questions about what they think they'd like. After suggesting two or three ideas, back out and let the child come up with some more.

Parent as coach. Children need to practice thinking of ideas themselves before they can be effective in solving their problems. As a coach you can provide structure to help them identify the problem and come up with ideas or recall skills they have, i.e., "You really want the fire engine Simon has. What are you going to do?" If they sayd, "I don't know," you can say, "I remember you wanted the police car he was using this morning...what did you do then?" This is reminding him of information he already has.

Parent of consultant. At this stage you are a sounding board for the child's ideas rather than offering ideas or structure. Let the child know you are listening by reflecting back what you hear him/her saying. Let him/her know you're available to help if they want it, then drop the subject completely unless s/he asks for your help.

[CakeLady]

:popcorn I'm thinking about getting this book.

[Spanish Rose]

Chapter Five: Problem Solving Tools

The author has developed a "problem solving summary" known as STAR. There are a variety of things that upset children and many ways to solve problems...the STAR method is a general summary of the problem-solving method.

Stop and focus.
Think of ideas.
Act effectively.
Review and revise.

Stop and focus - there are two parts to this. The first is looking at yourself (calming yourself, perhaps using the self-calming tools from the previous chapters) and the next is defining the problem (what is really the issue here? How do you feel? etc.)

Think of ideas - brainstorm many ideas (this is not the time for evaluating the ideas, so just write them all down). Aim for one idea per year until age 12. If having difficulties, think of what a wise person you know might suggest, or what you'd do if you were a magician or had a million dollars.

Act effectively - evaluate the ideas. Select the best one or two and plan to implement it/them. Is it realistic and respectful? Work immediately and long term? Adapt and change as needed. When can you implement the idea? Who will be involved? When will you review how it worked? Think of potential road-blocks you might need to overcome.

Review and revise - how did it go? Was it successful? Consider why. If not, why did it fail? Sometimes it takes more than one approach to solve a long-standing problem.

You can help introduce this tool by modelling it yourself. The example the author gave was a repairman calling that a dryer part wouldn't be availble and how the mom brainstormed ideas (hang dry, go through clothes and see if they are clean enough to wear, laundromat, etc).

This process can be used for problems with "people" and with "things," the main difference would be the type of solutions you come up with. I will summarize the differences between this methods and the rest of the chapter soon. :hug


:doh

Snapdragon is making real progress in problem solving--it's quite amazing, actually. He goes through a process similar to this. I think I'll print this out and show it to him, so that when he gets stuck on a part I can remind him what to do. "good job. You've identified the problem. What can we do about it?"

Thank you!

[canadiyank]

Great! :tu

[April G]

Hi canadiyank... Thanks for referring me over here... Both dh and I are feeling frustrated in particular with ds' constant unhappiness about being "lonely". I have to admit I'm having a little difficulty coming up with solutions for sadness over loneliness... :think He already has a very full social life, and we can't provide any more social outlets at this point. So basically we need to be able to comfort, teach, coach and support without changing the situation... that's the hard part... I'm open to any suggestions...

1. Check for safety. Move anyone or anything being hurt.
2. Acknowledge feelings. "It's ok to feel ____." (Identifying feelings gives them a feelings vocabulary, that feelings are acceptable, and that their feelings are different from actions. It's ok to "guess" at their feelings and be wrong...they're still learning and if they can tell you're wrong, great!)
3. Set limits. "And I will not let you _____." (Notice use of "and" here instead of "but," which can negate or minimize their feelings you idenitified in step 2.)
4. Offer choices. "You may ____ or _____ instead." (These are the skills you've introduced at other times.)
5. Offer support. "Would you like me to ___?" ("Offering support may be tricky. Some children want to be left alone, others feel abandoned if you leave. You can ask what the child wants, but remember that she may really not know. You may need to experiment to see what works best." p. 17.)

1. Not an issue
2. acknowledge the loneliness. "It's okay to feel lonely"
3. set limits "And I will not let you.... " what? I don't know how to set limits on this excessive crying, whining and upset over feeling lonely... :scratch
4. offer choices... I do this constantly... you can either watch a movie or visit dad in the hair salon... he isn't interested in either, and continues to engage in talking to me about how miserable he is or sits there crying. :sigh
5. offer support "Would you like me to put a movie on or get you a book to look at in the hair salon?" When I do this he says no and continues complaining and crying?

I'm really not trying to be difficult or argumentative... I'm just really having a hard time with seeing how this would play out. Am I missing something here?

[canadiyank]

That is specific protocol for a "crisis" (i.e., temper tantrums), i.e., #3 would be something like, "And I won't let you hurt your brother."

I haven't finished reviewing the book - I'd highly recommend buying it or borrowing it from the library. There's lots of exercises in it that I don't describe here.

Did you read the part about the self-comforting tools and how to teach them? That is a lot more relevant to your issues, I think.

(Sorry if I sound short...I'm feeling absolutely horrid right now.)

[HummusDip]

The nature of feelings:

Feelings are okay All feelings are acceptable. They can be expressed in helpful or harmful ways.


Can you explain this more? How is something like whining acceptable? :think

[Chris3jam]

The nature of feelings:

Feelings are okay All feelings are acceptable. They can be expressed in helpful or harmful ways.


Can you explain this more? How is something like whining acceptable? :think

Yes, please. Just yesterday I had to tell my 12 yo to go outside and take a walk to cool off. He was out of control and not listening, and I sent him upstairs, and he went up, pounding on the walls and doors (he's old enough to cause holes). I sent him out to walk and cool off.

[Jeanette598]

The nature of feelings:

Feelings are okay All feelings are acceptable. They can be expressed in helpful or harmful ways.


Can you explain this more? How is something like whining acceptable? :think


Not canadiyank, but ... whining is not a feeling, it's a behavior. The idea is that we should validate emotions but work with the child to figure out more appropriate ways of expressing those emotions. So if my child is whining, the emotion behind it might be frustration or disappointment. It's okay for her to feel those things, but not helpful to express them through whining.

[canadiyank]

Not canadiyank, but ... whining is not a feeling, it's a behavior. The idea is that we should validate emotions but work with the child to figure out more appropriate ways of expressing those emotions. So if my child is whining, the emotion behind it might be frustration or disappointment. It's okay for her to feel those things, but not helpful to express them through whining.


:yes Right. The whole point of this is to redirect the unacceptable expressions into ones that are self-calming, helpful, etc. for dealing with the feelings *behind* the behaviour.

So Chris, you did exactly the right thing - helping him find a physical outlet (outdoor exercise) that was helpful, that replaced an unacceptable one (beating on things).

[BlissfullyEsther]

I'm so here. Must read.