What age should I start expecting DS to understand and respond to discipline?

[hink4687]

My son just turned one and he is a VERY active, strong willed, little BOY. I love it personally, I wouldn't have him any other way. And his boyish ways don't bother me but I'm worried I might be becoming too permissive about some things. At home we play rough and he throws things and squeals, etc. To me, I see it as his personality. He's been this way since in the womb! But I'm starting to worry when we are at playgroups or with other people that they see him as more of this out of control child that I can't handle.

For example, today we were at a play group and he took a toy from another boy and I didn't say anything, I should have but I was talking and it didn't even cross my mind to. Neither of the boys were upset by it, they just kept playing. Well the other mom saw the exchange and thought her son took it from mine (her son is 18 months) and yelled at her son and went to slap his hand (which she had already done once that afternoon :no2) so I jumped in quickly and told her my son had actually taken the toy from him. I personally didn't see the problem because they were playing together happily. Is it really going to do any good for me to tell him, "share nicely please" and move him to another part of the room? I typically just watch him and let him play as he likes unless he's doing something to actually physically harm another child or if it actually makes the other child upset. Am I being too permissive with him? Can I really expect him to understand sharing? To me he is still a baby and I can't imagine him understanding the concept but I may be underestimating him.

Any future advise on how to handle rough little boys? Sorry for the thousand questions, I'm FTM here and not sure the best way to teach my child to respect other kids while still allowing him to stay himself.

[MarynMunchkins]

Personally, I *want* my kids to be able to resolve their differences. So if they aren't asking for intervention (by crying or words), I don't intervene. :)

If the other child was crying, I would have helped him give it back. I have taught all my kids to trade one toy for another. It really helps with sharing until they are old enough to understand the concept well.

[AmyDoll]

1st - Do you have the Ames and Ilg Your One Year Old book? It's a wonderful book that talks about the developmental issues and milestones for a One Year Old. You can buy it on Amazon for cheap.

I usually let the kids work it out themselves unless someone is getting upset and I need to intervene. I very specifically never grab or force anything out of my child's hand bc I don't want to model snatching or grabbing. (Ok So, I might be really quick about taking something if it was scarily dangerous)
If "sharing" is really an issue, "Johnny is playing with X, here let's look at Y." If a melt down ensues, I'd reassure him that Johnny will give him a turn with X in a minute and continue to distract.
I also don't allow any sort of violence around my child. If other people are hitting we have to leave. That's upsetting.
My mom laughs at me because Sam has certain things in the house that he's allowed to throw - soft footballs and plastic golf balls. At grandma's house, there's a "no throwing" rule. He hasn't been confused (really) yet. If he looks like he's going to throw I just remind him. If he tosses something he's not supposed to - then the toy takes a break.

Hope that Helps! :tu

[hink4687]

Thanks for your responses! I will definitely check out that book. I've got to start reading again anyways...I went on such a reading kick when DS was first born and then I slacked off...

I really felt like it isn't always necessary to jump in and intervene constantly but I was starting to feel like maybe I'm wrong about that b/c it seems like other moms do and they look at me funny when I don't. I guess I definitely don't want to be like the mom who slaps her childs hand (which I was very saddened to see btw b/c she is a friend from LLL :sad2 ) so I should stop worrying and comparing myself to other moms and trust my gut. I just now my little guy is so spirited and I don't want it to be mistaken for misbehaved. kwim?

[Tengokujin]

You know, the first thing I thought was --one year olds are barely playing parallel to other children. They have no idea yet about property ownership--they certainly don't "share".

I guess I have a different take--I like to intervene earlier with kids before there is violence. I usually position myself so I can talk with other moms but really be aware of what is happening. Distract with other toys, etc. Especially if there is a mom who is going to hit--I try to do other behaviors to keep things from getting to that point, plus "talk" the kids through turn taking, etc. IMO, they really need that kind of coaching for a couple years.

[raisa]

I'm with Rebecca -- I often sit on the floor in the midst of the kids. I don't get to drink a hot cup of coffee with the moms that way, and I get tired of it after awhile so that just limits our play time which is probably okay anyway :) My DS is big and has a strong throwing arm, so I consider it my job to keep him from bulldozing over other kids or throwing toys at them. But ITA that kids at that age often take toys away from each other and don't really care -- I'd see if it was important to them and then say "it's Daisy's turn," gently give the toy back while distracting with something else.

I also would consider leaving if I saw hitting, but it's so hard. Especially if they are friends or family who you love and/or don't see often. I'd rather leave than stick around and be part of the drama -- there's nothing worse than getting in the middle of it, when the parent says "did MY son do that?" and you know if you tell the truth, he'll get hit :(

[Amber]

When I am with ds around other kids I do tend to stay on the floor with him...mostly because he has a farily large personal space bubble and he doesn't like it when other kids come and take his toys or interupt the "task" he is doing. So I stick close by to help ds work through it if he needs help. But I don't step in unless it looks like one of the kids is going to be upset by what is happening.

We also have some toys that ds is allowed to throw in the house (nothing hard that could hurt or break another item). When we are at someone else's house where there is a no throwing rule the I stop him before he can throw and if he continues to do it then we put the toy up for a while.