my mother thinks spanking is neccesary

[Ellyane]

I was trying to explain to my mom how I don't want to spank my son, and she says that I might have to do it anyway, depending on his temperment. She says some kids just respond better to spanking than to other forms of discipline. I don't know how to answer her. Can you help?

Her most common form of discipline is 'go stand in the corner' Usually in the same room as everyone else, so it's not like the child is being banished, but I don't really like this method either.

Also, I'm trying to explain this Gentle Discipline thing to dh, and he's listening, but he's not really on board yet. He tells me that he remembers learning from being spanked, that if his parents hadn't spanked him he might not have changed his behavior. Any thoughts?

Thanks for your help!

[expatmom]

My goal with my kids when they err, is not so much to punish but to mold and shape their character so that they can make better choices in the future. I think that when molding/shaping is conducted by making them fearful of the repurcussions (ie. spanking), then their choices will also be motivated by fear and not out of good character or a heartfelt desire to do right. Spanking is so confusing to kids who can't understand why this person who says they love them is now hitting them & hurting them. Standing in a corner also promotes seperation in a parent-child relationship and this works in direct opposition to fostering a trusting relationship between parent and child.

True changed behaviour has to be heart motivated. Your dh might have behaved better after he was spanked, but where was his heart in all of this? How connected is he to his parents as an adult?

[mommy2abigail]

:popcorn I'm in your boat, only it's my MIL that thinks kids need to be spanked, and my dh agrees...though I think he is slowly changing...at least I hope and pray. Since he wass spanked, and since loyalty and honor to his parents no matter what was expected, he is reluctant to admit his parents may not have made good choices, ykwim? Lots of formaly spanked people will say that they derserved it, that they love their parents, that it works, that it made them respect and honor them. But I really do think that is part of the shame and loyalty aspect of punative parenting. For instance when I asked how my dh felt when he knew he was going to be spanked, he admitted her felt terrible. And once his dad cried while spanking him, saying this hurts me more than it hurts you...and dh felt so horrible. I asked if he wanted dd to feel that way, and it made him stop and think. I also asked if he thinks he should spank me or me spank him when we dont like what the other is doing (and this before I ever heard of domestic discipline!!!) Since he is the authority figure of our household, this would make it so he would/could spank whoever in the family, including me. He thinks that is a crazy thing, so I think that may have him thinking...HTH!

[Ellyane]

I also asked if he thinks he should spank me or me spank him when we dont like what the other is doing (and this before I ever heard of domestic discipline!!!) Since he is the authority figure of our household, this would make it so he would/could spank whoever in the family, including me. He thinks that is a crazy thing, so I think that may have him thinking...HTH!


I've never heard of domestic discipline. From what you're saying, it's pretty crazy though ?!?!

[ArmsOfLove]

the idea behind this is that some children have to experience pain in order to learn--but this isn't applied to educational things :shrug I mean, they won't spank phonics into them :shifty And if children don't have to be hurt to learn then they don't for anything.

[mwwr]

the idea behind this is that some children have to experience pain in order to learn--but this isn't applied to educational things :shrug I mean, they won't spank phonics into them :shifty And if children don't have to be hurt to learn then they don't for anything.

Good point-- thanks for bring it up. It might be enough to make some spankers question their reasoning. :tu

[Ellyane]

My goal with my kids when they err, is not so much to punish but to mold and shape their character so that they can make better choices in the future. I think that when molding/shaping is conducted by making them fearful of the repurcussions (ie. spanking), then their choices will also be motivated by fear and not out of good character or a heartfelt desire to do right. Spanking is so confusing to kids who can't understand why this person who says they love them is now hitting them & hurting them. Standing in a corner also promotes seperation in a parent-child relationship and this works in direct opposition to fostering a trusting relationship between parent and child.

True changed behaviour has to be heart motivated. Your dh might have behaved better after he was spanked, but where was his heart in all of this? How connected is he to his parents as an adult?


Actually, my dh has a great relationship with his parents. He says he always understood why he was being spanked, and felt it was fair. I was spanked as a kid too, and I thought it was normal. I don't think my relationship with my mom has suffered for it. But, I wonder if it's not some kind of conditioning. We grew up believing that spanking was just what happened, we didn't know there was any other way. I still feel that my desire not to spank my son is odd. Like, I know I want (not) to, but there's this nagging voice in my mind saying 'you want to do what?' But, I just discovered the whole GBD thing about a month ago, so I'm still puzzling through it.

[SouthPaw]

My first thought was, "So does mine!!"

:hug It's hard to figure out what you really believe, and how to explain it to others.

The one thing that really stands out to me about GBD though is that it's not about "not spanking", it's about what you do instead - the loving discipleship of your kids, learning by watching you and not by "do as i say, not as i do"...motivating them out of respect and love...applying the grace of the Gospel to them, and teaching them respect by showing them respect...

when I told my DH all that i WAS going to do, he realized that he agreed with a lot of it. for now i am letting him keep the idea of spanking "as a last resort" since he has this internal fear of his children becoming brats, that i don't think he is ready to deal with yet. but it really opened up so many possibilities of what to do instead...that the more we talk about it, the less likely i think it will ever be something he DOES "resort" to.

i have also explained everything to my mom, but she still relies on my dad's views more than mine, and he is very into "you prove authority through physical punishment"...she understands where i am coming from, but disagrees :bheart they have always relied on Dobson and I don't know if they will ever "convert", although I do have it on no uncertain terms that whatever she believes, it is MY choice how to raise my babies, and they will follow my rules when watching them.

:hug and welcome to the journey. oops, gotta go grab a baby who woke up...good thing i didn't go to sleep yet!

[Ellyane]

That's a good point -focusing on what you 'will' do. I just haven't peiced that part together yet.

I too have a fear of my kids becoming brats. For a long time I believed that those who were spanked turned out well, and those who weren't spanked were spoiled and obnoxious. I still have a fear that this is what will happen to my kids.

Last night dh and I watched 'a history of violence' While I wouldn't recommend it, it did have one scene I appreciated. ( I won't say liked) The teenage kid gets in trouble for fighting in school. Dad says something like 'in this family we don't resort to our fists to solve our problems' and then two seconds later smacks the kid across the face. I looked at dh and said 'SEE! See what a mixed message that sends!" Of course the smack was out of anger, not any kind of loving punishment, but it still made an impression on my husband.

[freshwaterfish]

OH wow... I have SO been there, done that... I've been a single mom since last July, and my dad has very lovingly taken us on as his "charity project". I know that sounds a bit bitter, but he means very well... He also thinks that I'm incapable of parenting my son without a man, and I agree that it takes a village to raise a child, especially when you have to work or study full time in order to provide a living and don't have any back up... I do digress though... Anyways, one day I borrowed my dad's van to run errands, and had Micah in and out of his carseat at least 15 times between 9 AM till 6 PM, without more than meal breaks. We were at my dad's house to drop off the van and Micah was "acting out", tormenting the animals, touching the computer and VCR... basically just going from one thing to the next destroying, and I sat him in time out to cool down... I knew he was WAY over tired and needed to go home and go to bed... He started screaming and throwing his shoes and my dad grabbed one of the shoes and literally WHIPPED it at my son... ! I came UNGLUED... The only reason Micah was in cool down time was for my dad's benefit in the first place, but to WHIP a shoe at my son when he was obviously at the end of his rope was beyond comprehension... I was mother bear and my claws came out!!! I grabbed my son, told my dad I did NOT appreciate him treating my 2 year old son in such a manner and left... The reason I tell this story is because this incident opened the floodgates... and for the first time in my LIFE, my dad and I had the biggest fight of our life... My stepmom got involved... it was VERY ugly... I ended up sitting down and writing a 15-20 page letter to them both, explaining my parenting style and asking that they respect my ways, and understand that YES, I'm a single mom, but I reserve final say in how Micah is parented... It was very stressful and difficult to do, but in the end, they respect my parenting and we're best friends again... All I can say is YOU are the parent... your parents can have an opinion, but ultimately you have the final say, and they MUST respect that... They had their chance to parent when you were born... now it's your chance to parent YOUR way... HTH in some small way... even if it's just to know you're not alone...

April

[raisa]

I agree with everyone else . . . as far as what I'd actually SAY in these situations though, might be something like this:

When mom says: "You'll have to spank him someday!"
I'd say: "We'll see. Did you plant your tomatoes in full sun? I'm thinking of putting mine by the garage."

When DH says: "I was spanked and I turned out fine!"

I'd say: "I know! Your parents are so great, it's tempting to just do exactly what they did, and hope our kids turn out as good as you, honey! But, you know how I am, I need to think things through and be true to who I am, even if that's different from people I really love and respect. I'm learning these great ideas that sound like they help families spank less and still have obedient, happy kids. It's really speaking to my heart."

The best thing I did with DH was talk through specific memories of our childhood -- what did our parents do, and how it felt for us. Then I'd talk through a GBD solution to it. This really helped us shift the paradigm in our family.

[Amber]

My dh has the mentality of "I was spanked, and so was everyone else I know and we turned out just fine." But he is also a very gentle man. He does many GBD things as a matter of instinct. My dh takes things better if someone other than me says them, so I recommend books for him to read or I give him something I have printed off of here and we talk about it afterward. He is slowly changing and seeing things more and more like I do.

He is also worried that if I tell our kids that spanking is wrong that they will draw a connection that people who do/did spank (like our parents) are bad people.

[Thankful]

Wow, April, your story totally speaks to me!! I can't believe that happened..... We had a similar situation a few weeks ago w/ my FIL. He didn't throw anything, but he did yell at James and tell him to shut-up.... James was sitting on my lap, so I was in the line of fire, and it gives me a WHOLE new perspective of how he feels when I yell at him. Although it's been a LONG time since I went off on him the way FIL did. It was SO shocking and horrible, but we managed to work it out somehow. I still have hard feelings, but I hope they'll subside as I see him be loving and normal again.....

But to the OP, about standing in the corner, I think that it is WORSE when the child is repremanded in front of an audience and then made to stand in a corner where everyone can see. How embarrassing!

And honestly, I don't care how my parents or ILs feel about how I raise my kids. It's none of their business, and we don't see any of them often enough for it to be an issue. I don't think any of them feel its appropriate to hit their grandchildren. My parents have been left w/ "wisdom maker" sticks (or whatever they're called--spanking devices...) when caring for their other grandkids and never used them. So I'm not worried. Although my dad did smack James' hand when he was little.....hmmm.....I wasn't impressed w/ that, but don't think it would happen again.

Ok, sorry for rambling! What a tough family situation. ((((hugs))))
Emily