jujubnme
03-28-2006, 02:03 PM
The posts on defiance and some others that I've read in another forum have prompted me to think of a couple of chapters from the book Scattered by Gabor Mate on counterwill that turned on a lot of light bulbs for me. The book is about ADD, but the concept of counterwill is something that applies to some extent to all of us. One of the chapters is online; the other I'll summarize. I'd love to hear your comments...
The Defiant Ones: Oppositionality
...Children with attention deficit disorder are often characterized as stubborn, oppositional, cheeky, insolent, spoiled. "Wilful" is a description almost universally applied to them. Parents worry that the difficulty is rooted in some deeply embedded negative trait in their child’s personality that will impede her future success in life. The truth is more complicated than that, and it leaves more ground for optimism. Oppositionality cannot arise on its own. By definition, it has to develop in response to something. It is not an isolated trait of the child but an aspect of the child’s relationship with the adult world. Adults can change the relationship by changing their own role in it.
ADD children can hardly be said to have a will at all, if by that is meant a capacity which enables a person to know what he wants and to hold to that goal regardless of setbacks, difficulties, or distracting impulses. "But my child is strong-willed," many parents insist. "When he decides that he wants something he just keeps at it until I cannot say no, or until I get very angry". What is really being described here is not will, but a rigid, obsessive clinging to this or that desire. An obsession may resemble will in its persistence, but has nothing in common with it. Its power comes from the unconscious and it rules the individual, whereas a person with true will is in command of his intentions.
The child’s oppositionality is not an expression of will. What it denotes is the absence of will which ... only allows a person to react, but not to act from a free and conscious process of decision making.
Read the rest of the chapter here: http://www.scatteredminds.com/ch20.htm
Defusing Counterwill
1. Keep attachment foremost
...Counterwill is greatly increased when the child's attachment to the parent diminishes, and decreases as the attachment bond improves...
2. Do not mistake acquiescence with voluntary "good behavior"
We can create the appearance of close attachment by threatening the child or treating him harshly but what really happens is that the child clings to the parent for fear of rejection or punishment. Counterwill will roil underground to surface later...
3. Do not take the child's recalcitrance personally
Parents who do not take the child's opposition as a personal challenge to their authority will avoid the contests of power that make everyone a loser...
4. Make room for some resistance in the relationship
Sometimes opposition must just be anticipated... This does not mean that the child must get her way, only that the parent does not react with rage or helplessness that add to the conflict. There is room for the child to express her resistance without the relationship being threatened.
5. Engage only in those fights that parents must win
...
6. Encourage verbal expression
Instead of trying to overcome the child's counterwill, help him find more acceptable ways of expressing resistance...
7. Parents recognized that they, too, can be recalcitrant at times
...When a parent feels controlled by a child, it's her own automatic resistancve she is experiencing instead of conscious choice. Many parents will respond irritably to a demanding child, which is not at all the same as making a conscious and loving decision not to give in to some unacceptable request. Faced with a parent's resistance, a child becomes even more anxious and demanding.
8. Mend fences after the fact
...The parent can state what happened, draw out the child's fears, show we understand how she would have felt, saying what happened to us, acknowledging that it was we, the parent, who lost control. The message is that the child's impulsiveness and the parent's reactions are not the substance of the relationship; neither will cause a rupture...
9. Encourage self-discipline instead of controlling the child
...The issue is not how to control the child but how best to promote the child's development... One prevents having to control by maintaining the relationship and defusing dounterwill. In the end, of course, the resolution of counterwill-driven oppositionality comes from the development of the child's core self. As a sense of an independent self gains strength, the child is able to accept the advice of the parent without feeling controlled...
Hope this is helpful!
The Defiant Ones: Oppositionality
...Children with attention deficit disorder are often characterized as stubborn, oppositional, cheeky, insolent, spoiled. "Wilful" is a description almost universally applied to them. Parents worry that the difficulty is rooted in some deeply embedded negative trait in their child’s personality that will impede her future success in life. The truth is more complicated than that, and it leaves more ground for optimism. Oppositionality cannot arise on its own. By definition, it has to develop in response to something. It is not an isolated trait of the child but an aspect of the child’s relationship with the adult world. Adults can change the relationship by changing their own role in it.
ADD children can hardly be said to have a will at all, if by that is meant a capacity which enables a person to know what he wants and to hold to that goal regardless of setbacks, difficulties, or distracting impulses. "But my child is strong-willed," many parents insist. "When he decides that he wants something he just keeps at it until I cannot say no, or until I get very angry". What is really being described here is not will, but a rigid, obsessive clinging to this or that desire. An obsession may resemble will in its persistence, but has nothing in common with it. Its power comes from the unconscious and it rules the individual, whereas a person with true will is in command of his intentions.
The child’s oppositionality is not an expression of will. What it denotes is the absence of will which ... only allows a person to react, but not to act from a free and conscious process of decision making.
Read the rest of the chapter here: http://www.scatteredminds.com/ch20.htm
Defusing Counterwill
1. Keep attachment foremost
...Counterwill is greatly increased when the child's attachment to the parent diminishes, and decreases as the attachment bond improves...
2. Do not mistake acquiescence with voluntary "good behavior"
We can create the appearance of close attachment by threatening the child or treating him harshly but what really happens is that the child clings to the parent for fear of rejection or punishment. Counterwill will roil underground to surface later...
3. Do not take the child's recalcitrance personally
Parents who do not take the child's opposition as a personal challenge to their authority will avoid the contests of power that make everyone a loser...
4. Make room for some resistance in the relationship
Sometimes opposition must just be anticipated... This does not mean that the child must get her way, only that the parent does not react with rage or helplessness that add to the conflict. There is room for the child to express her resistance without the relationship being threatened.
5. Engage only in those fights that parents must win
...
6. Encourage verbal expression
Instead of trying to overcome the child's counterwill, help him find more acceptable ways of expressing resistance...
7. Parents recognized that they, too, can be recalcitrant at times
...When a parent feels controlled by a child, it's her own automatic resistancve she is experiencing instead of conscious choice. Many parents will respond irritably to a demanding child, which is not at all the same as making a conscious and loving decision not to give in to some unacceptable request. Faced with a parent's resistance, a child becomes even more anxious and demanding.
8. Mend fences after the fact
...The parent can state what happened, draw out the child's fears, show we understand how she would have felt, saying what happened to us, acknowledging that it was we, the parent, who lost control. The message is that the child's impulsiveness and the parent's reactions are not the substance of the relationship; neither will cause a rupture...
9. Encourage self-discipline instead of controlling the child
...The issue is not how to control the child but how best to promote the child's development... One prevents having to control by maintaining the relationship and defusing dounterwill. In the end, of course, the resolution of counterwill-driven oppositionality comes from the development of the child's core self. As a sense of an independent self gains strength, the child is able to accept the advice of the parent without feeling controlled...
Hope this is helpful!