How do I get her attention?

[SansSouci]

Alrighty... I'm REALLY trying to be such a good mom, and it's SO hard sometimes. Like today I was trying to tell 3 y/o dd (Emily) to not do something (I forget what it was - it's been a long day! - but it had something to do with hurting ds by doing something). She just laughed and made noises louder than me so that she couldn't hear me (while running all around the room). So I grabbed her and sat her on my lap to tell her, but she kept twisting (to try to get away), wouldn't look at me, and kept making all sorts of noises so as not to hear me. So, I pinched her armpit and it got her attention. But of course I felt horrible, because I know it hurt her (physically, but also her spirit). The only thing I keep telling myself is "at least I didn't hit her" (because it seems, sometimes, that that would be the only way to get through to her). I get tired of doing time-outs, so I was trying a different route... which backfired on me.

Yikes, I really feel like a horrible mom today.

[Then as I was BFing my 4 mo ds to put him to bed, I thought "Are you going to do this to me, too?" Babies are just so sweet... and then that wild spirit happens (which is sometimes fun, but often not) and I'm just going nuts with my dd.]

Okay, another example... we go to the duck pond, and we walk around it. Sometimes she gets too far ahead of me (walking) so I tell her to wait for me. Sometimes she listens and obeys, sometimes not. I don't want her to get too far ahead b/c I am slinging the baby so it's not so easy to run to catch up to her (plus she's FAST when she's running from me!), and also I worry about her falling into the water. When she doesn't obey me and just keeps walking/running, what can I do/say to get her to obey? Yes I could put her on a leash/harness, but that would take away the fun of the duck pond. Overall she really does a GREAT job (she really is a WONDERFUL dd), but it's the times when she's not listening and obeying that just totally drive me bonkers. What can I do to get her attention when it seems she's ignoring me?

Help! How do I get her attention when I need it?

-Elizabeth

[slingmamaof4]

Ah, yes. Getting their attention can certainly be tricky. Have you read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline? I strongly suggest that book. Your local library should have it I imagine. The library here has 2 copies and I live in a very small area.

Some things to get her attention:

1) Kneel/Get down to her leye level, so you and her can look straight into each others eyes.

2) Once you are at her level wait for her to notice you, then say either her name or "There you are."

3) Gently touch Emily's arm or back.

4) Then assertively tell her what you WANT her to do. Try to avoid telling her what you don't want her to do. i.e. Avoid saying something like "We are walking to walk to the duck pond now. Don't run on ahead." Instead say something like "We are walking to the duck pond now. I want you to stay with me. Do you want to hold my right hand or my left hand?" This lets her know what you want her to do and gives her a choice as well. And telling her what you expect from her before going to the pond may help. And then reinforce it when you arrive at the pond.

5) Use supporting gestures if possible. i.e. When you tell her you want her to stay with you and to choose a hand put your hands out. She will be more likely to pick one and be willing to hold your hand generally.

6) If she complies praise her. Use specifics instead of general phrases. Avoid "Good job." Definitely avoid "Good girl." In the case of the pond say something like "You did it! You stayed right next to me the whole way to the pond!" Describe instead of judge is the most helpful way to encourage her. i.e. "Emily, you shared your _________ with your brother. That was very thoughtful." "Look at you! You are _________."

There are other routes than time-out that work, so keep trying!!!!! :hug

[OpalsMom]

For the duck pond thing, staying with me is a condition of being allowed to run free. You can choose; stay with me voluntarily or wear a harness. It's a safety issue. So we would go, we would take the harness, and at the beginning I would explain the rules; you need to stay close enough to me so I can reach out and touch you. We would practice how far away that is, so that she really knew what the rule was. Then as soon as she got one step further away than that I'd remind her -- "You need to me close enough so I can touch you. You're too far, see?" The second time, I'd put the harness on her. I might take it off again halfway around the pond if she asked to try again convincingly, or she might get to try again next time. (And honestly, she might not ask; she's often OK with the harness, particularly if there are people around, which makes her want a connection to me.)

I know close enough to touch is probably closer than you're OK with, but it means that you still can get to her immediately after she breaks the rules. And it's easy to explain. I don't know how I'd explain my real boundaries to DD -- I don't think she can calculate "close enough so I could grab you if I absolutely HAD to".

[SansSouci]

I never call her "good girl" (that's what I say to my dogs!), but I often say "good job doing ______".

I am working on getting down on her level more.

It's really hard to define exactly how far she can be from me... maybe just practice? But, okay, I will try those suggestions.

Yes, I bought ETLDTD, but haven't read it yet. I guess maybe I should stick my nose in that book instead of sticking my nose here so much! I've been really trying to gleam info here... but I know that book is awesome so I'll get hopping on it! I checked it out at my library (to see if it was something I'd like), and it was so good I HAD to return it early b/c I just wanted to attack it with my highlighter!!!!

Thanks for the suggestions! I really appreciate it.

-Elizabeth

[slingmamaof4]

Yes, I bought ETLDTD, but haven't read it yet. I guess maybe I should stick my nose in that book instead of sticking my nose here so much! I've been really trying to gleam info here... but I know that book is awesome so I'll get hopping on it! I checked it out at my library (to see if it was something I'd like), and it was so good I HAD to return it early b/c I just wanted to attack it with my highlighter!!!!



:giggle I think you and are much alike. Hehe...I had a copy of ETLDTD from the library and when I started writing in the margins (with pencil) I decided I better stop that and get my own copy. Rebecca, jadensmom, gave me a copy of that for my b-day. And I actually haven't finished the book quite yet. BECAUSE I SHOULD STICK MY NOSE in that book INSTEAD OF STICKING MY NOSE ON HERE so much!!!!!! :P So I can totally relate. Now that I have my own copy it is highlighted, underlined, and has a lot of comments in the margins. It is a wonderful book!

[raisa]

A few more ideas -- a little playfulness might go a long way. Pretend to be mama duck/ baby duck or sing a song. This can help her follow directions "baby duck quack toward mama duck!" And if it's fun, she'll want to stay close to keep playing with you -- instead of getting scared and running away when you yell.

It's frustrating when they can understand, respond and communicate like big kids. But a 3yo isn't ready to be responsible for their own safety, especially around water. With that much distraction and excitement, your voice can fade into the background. It's too much to expect her to keep her body under control with nothing more than your instructions.

[Then as I was BFing my 4 mo ds to put him to bed, I thought "Are you going to do this to me, too?" Babies are just so sweet... and then that wild spirit happens (which is sometimes fun, but often not) and I'm just going nuts with my dd.]

That wild spirit is all about wanting to see ducks -- it's not about wanting to hurt mommy. As frustrating as it is, she's not doing it to you. She is not capable of understanding how hard it is for you. Even if she could, she wouldn't want you to feel bad. You're on the same team :hug even when it's hard.

[freshwaterfish]

I love the eye level suggestions. I do that with my 2.5 year old, and it really works well with him. I have to get up and go to him when he's not listening, but it's worth it, cause I really hate talking to him from across the room and being ignored. BIG pet peeve of mine. I also make sure I always use a low calm voice which amazingly (you wouldn't think) is much more effective than trying to talk over him.

I also believe that until your child is able to readily listen to you in safety issue situations like the duck pond, they should be in a harness, sling, backpack or stroller until they're ready... Toddlers just do not understand the gravity of how important it is to listen in situations like that, and I just couldn't risk an accident happening... I tend to be of the camp that tries to eliminate as many opportunities for melt downs as possible, and if it's just stressing us both out, I eliminate the situation completely. Not to say I wouldn't go to the duck pond. I would just make sure he was either holding my hand, on a harness or in a stroller (you can still feed a duck from a stroller!).

April