GBD and other people's children?

[siberian]

I babysit a few children one afternoon a week, ranging in age from 3-6 years. They are not from Christian homes, and I'm pretty sure their parents use punitive punishment. My problem is that 2 of them are very disrespectful and have fresh mouths on them. The oldest torments her little sister, which I realize is not uncommon sibling behavior, but she has no interest in "being good", which baffles me because anyother kindergardener I have known will bend over backward for an adults praise! I have tried offering a treat which they could have when their moms pick them up, only if they treat each other kindly (by not hitting, teasing or name-calling) and obey me. The middle one sometimes acts up, but he will behave as soon as I remind him of his little reward (its usually just a lolipop). The older one though keeps on asking for her lolipop and I remind her of my rules and that if they are followed she may have a lolipop when her mother comes. She will persist on asking and then go torment her sister, come back, ask again and say she will be good if I give her a lolipop now! Yeah, right! I have never given in to that and just tell her "When your mom gets back you may tell her what I had to speak to you about several times today. If she says you may still have one after that, then you may." I have already discussed this with her mother, so she and I are on the same page. So, when her mother comes she tells her exactly what she did to get in trouble and then asks if she can have her lolipop now! Mom of course says no, but something tells me that in real life she DOES let her have something beforehand to "make her be good..."

Anyway, I am at my wits end and am starting to dread seeing these children because of the stuggle. I know I can't undo a whole week's worth of permissive parenting, coupled with punitive punishment, in my measly 3 hours with them, so do you have any suggestions? I play with them and keep them entertained, so its not like I just plop on the couch and let them run wild, causing them to look for attention. Help!

[Marmee]

I keep other people's children too. :popcorn

[AmyDoll]

She will persist on asking and then go torment her sister, come back, ask again and say she will be good if I give her a lolipop now!

You say, "go...come back" Where are you? I'd recommend more hands on care for these children. As in I would be actively engaged in their play. That should prevent torment and put an end to the need for artificial rewards (which aren't working anyway)

[siberian]

We all stay in the playroom all together (unless one goes to the bathroom), so she'll run across the room and either tease or kick her sister. I try to keep the younger sister by me mostly, but she's 3 and wants to play with the big kids, not me and my baby. I don't feel comfortable taking them outside to play because their yard isn't fenced in; plus if they can't obey while safely inside I doubt they will do any better outside where there are more chances for injury (ie. falling on pavement, running into the street). So, does duct-taping the older sister to the couch fall under the category of GBD :giggle?!

[Marmee]

Ha ha ha :giggle! :popcorn

[MarynMunchkins]

I have a kindergartener, and I HATE the days I can't send him outside to play after school. He torments his siblings 10 x's more. :td

Honestly, I'd take them outside. At least try it. I've found that giving them the option of getting out some energy physically eliminates most of the agression towards each other. I'd have some planned activities to *do* out there - even if it's just tag. :)

[Marmee]

Some planned activities rotated with free time helps us too. We just had 22 tons of sand dumped in our backyard for summer fun. It has made for a very involved play time and less irritation with the children that I keep too. (They are sister who sometimes fight alot.) Yes, you read correctly 22 tons of sand! It looks like a HUGE ant hill and my little ones are the ants! They are in heaven!

[OpalsMom]

In general, bribery isn't very effective as discipline strategy. Like punishment, it tends to send the message that there's a bargain; you can choose which you'd prefer, the lollipop or being mean. (Punishment says "Is this enough fun to be worth the smack?") That's not a message I want to send. So I would act to prevent the 6-year old from tormenting her sister. That comes in a "nice" part and a "mean" part. The "nice" part is working on activities that are incompatible with tormenting her sister (Ring-around-the-rosie? tug-of-war? playing catch?) and on decreasing her motivation to torment her sister (whatever that is -- as people have pointed out, an excess of energy and/or boredom are the most likely ones). The "mean" part is that I think tormenting your sister is unacceptable behavior and I won't accept it. "You hit, you sit". If you're not capable of playing nicely, you don't get to play. If that makes you violently unhappy, not my problem.

Now, I don't have a 6 year old, but I did babysit for one, and did manage to have a very different relationship with her and her brother than her (permissive) parents did. It took a few weeks which were not fun for anybody before they learned that whining, screaming, and tormenting each other did not work on me. After which they were, not angelic, but pleasant to be around.