Am I GBD? I thought so. . .

[Marmee]

I haven't read a lot on this forum, but after reading a few things, I got to wondering. . . Am I GBD? I mean, I want to be and I try to be. But maybe I do some things that aren't??? For instance, my children do have a bed time (7:30 for 2 yr. old and 8:00 for 7 year old). I think I am firm on some things. I don't spank, I don't punish, but I do expect certain behaviour. I do have them do chores and while our house is very free and everyone's opinion matters - the parents do have the final say and set the pace. I am wondering, would others consider this too many rules? I guess it doesn't matter anyway if it is working and everyone is happy - but I am wondering if I am more strict than the average AP/GBD or not. Just wondering. . .

[Aerynne]

That sounds pretty GBD to me. In fact, that sounds exactly like it. We don't let our kids walk all over us around here, we're just kind to them.

[milkmommy]

I don't think your very diffrent from many here. Some of us may give certain things more importance but still set firm boundries and standards with our little ones. My DD has a set naptime and bedtime will little 'flexiablity" we have rules on eatting table manners how we behave in school in restraunts in church ect.. Doing fun things is congident on proper behavior and coperation. We work a a famiily to make the home function that means cleaning up our own toys and not scattering them everywhere. We set our standards high and work with her on achieving success. I think what your doing is very much GBD. Lately I'm leaning this more and more.
Deanna

[DogwoodMama]

Following a routine and having high standards is NOT incompatable with GBD at ALL! I think we all strive for high standards (which will look different dependant upon the age of the child, etc.) and while some of us are more or less routine-oriented most of us do implement a good degree of routine, I would imagine. Every day life is a bit repetitious and I find a routine very helpful! I don't think of it as a strict "schedule" but there are parts of it that are quite consistent (wake-up, lunch, nap-time, etc.)

Also, I have a 2 yo. She DEFINITELY does not get the "final say" as a rule. I do listen to her thoughts, but they are not always practical, logical, or the best thing. But I do listen to her, and take into consideration some of what she says. :grin

[Marmee]

:phew Feeling better already, guys. I was hoping I wasn't the "GBD Nazi Mom" :giggle. My 2 year old always falls apart on days when the routine gets too out of whack. Actually, even my seven year old does better when things are pretty much predictable. She has more flexibility, of course, than my little ds. I have a routine, but not a schedule per say. I have to be organized to run this zoo! I have a dh who is sick a lot, a ds with celiac disease and major food allergies, a dd with kidney troubles, we homeschool, I keep a 6 month old two days a week and two sisters who are 4 and 6 on 4 afternoons a week. You can see how a routine is a must! My family is gluten/nut (peanut and tree nut)/shellfish and seafood/and dairy free. Needless to say, I can't even call out for pizza! Tonight bedtime was extended 30 min. to watch a movie together - so there, I am not inflexible! :grin (Actually I had all five kids today and my dh is gone for the night, so I had to collapse on the bed and watch a movie with my two before bed!) Anyway, I was just sort of "wigging" and needed a reality check! Thanks! :yawn

[ArmsOfLove]

The thing about GBD is that there is no formula--so your home will look like you and my home will look like me. The things I value will be the rules and bounadries for my home and same for yours. I have a general bedtime but not really a routine, and I have INCREDIBLY high expectations for behavior--higher than most spankers.

Often when someone posts a problem or an issue those who do differently may challenge them on why they do it---especially if it isn't working for them ;)--but if that is the line in the sand that they choose to draw then there are GBD ways to make it happen. The thing is, once you've considered *why* you do something it's easier to back up your words with action because you are invested in the choice :tu

[Marmee]

I am interested to know what are some examples of your incredibly high standards for behaviour? Just curious - you don't have to share if you don't want to.
I love what you said about the why and being invested in your choice. This is very much what I believe. I really think most people do a lot of things on auto pilot - just stopping to think about your choices and making them deliberate can be a very eye-opening thing.

[ArmsOfLove]

Well, let's see :think My older children are absolutely not allowed to talk back to me. I work very hard with them when they are younger as far as how I want to be spoken to and offer reminders as needed, but they speak with gentleness and respect to me and I try to do the same to them (when they get gluten sometimes the only way to get their attention is to yell and I hate that :( ). When we go out somewhere I insist that children who are prone to wander hold onto the stroller or else we leave (they get one warning). If the older children begin to wander they have to hold the stroller and the same one warning then we leave applies after that. If they can't stay with me then I can't chase them all down :shrug Just today I realized that as we've been having the van all the time and the older three are the in the backseat and one isn't in a car seat anymore and the other two are in booster seats (which provide more freedom) and they all have to be in the backseat they have begun being absolutely out of control. I told them tonight that I'm now dreading being trapped in the car with them and most of what we do is for them so from now on, the way they behave *today* in the van is going to determine whether we go to the next thing for them. I expect my drive to be pleasant or it's not worth it for me to go. That is how we ended up with "leaving successfully is part of coming again next time" as one of our family standards. Because I believe that God put us in the family we are in so that we can learn how to get along with one another and I didn't like my children fighting with each other and then being nice to other people I started "family gets your best or no one gets the rest". Once that was in place I realized that if we can't be nice to each other it's usually because of some reason that means we shouldn't be around other people anyway :shifty

then there are things like room cleaning which drive me crazy but I'm not in a position to stay on top of it right now so I don't make a big deal about it, and I work on age appropriate behaviors but certainly don't get upset when they happen, etc. And I'm really really laid back as a person and about most things. But I determined when I started having children that I was going to raise children who I enjoy being around and so far have done that :grin

[Marmee]

I like you. :tu Sounds like our kids would have fun together. Sounds like we operate a lot alike.
I think that we (my family) treat each other very kindly. We do have very high standards. I have found that people will generally rise to the expectations you have of them. :highfive

[Marmee]

Oh yeah, we have the gluten thing too! :rolleyes

[OpalsMom]

There's one other child in DH's family close to DD's age. His parents are punitive. They also have MUCH lower standards about everything except bedtime than we do. We have a flexible and later bedtime than they do, but much more restrictive rules about appropriate behavior with food, toys, etc. etc. But when DD doesn't meet those standards, we don't call her names or threaten to hit her. I probably look meaner than a lot of moms around here, partly because I have a child that really works with. She likes her boundaries clearly defined. But she doesn't need much scheduling, so we're looser on timing than a lot of people. (And, frankly, she is more fun to be with than the other kid in DH's family, so we're not as desperate to put her to bed.)